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I've got to be honest. I started this blog with a promise to myself with 4 ideas in mind; 1) that I would be honest and tell the truth, 2) that I don't intentionally try to hurt anybody,(this is tough, since sometimes it involves things that need to be said) 3) that it glorifies God, and 4) it helps to make a better world. I try my hardest to be as upbeat as possible, but sometimes I hit some pretty hard stuff.

I hope this helps out someone else going through the same stuff, or gives a new perspective.

Although I know some people who like themselves way too much, I think I'm in the majority of people who want to change to become a better person. I know I could blame so many factors to why I am the way I am. But I refuse to. I want to be a part of the end result, and the blame shifting is a part of the past me, the one I left behind for a better person. I like the person now, a lot better. She's not perfect, but at least now she is a forward work in progress.

Yeah I'll try to keep it shorter, but uh, no guarantees, okay?

I've been fighting with being taken care of this week. (as if you couldn't tell. This is the point of the blog where I say, I wish I were perfect, or some other inane saying that isn't realistic, just unreachably extreme. Because the extremist in me has to say these things...) Most of the time I am fighting with everything alone, and I don't bother involving anyone else. It's just easier. I know I get over my head, and I still am stubborn in my efforts to keep my head above water. So to simply say I am letting someone take care of me all the time, would be lies.

I can remember finally giving in and letting Josh take the girls at night. I wasn't sleeping because I felt as though I was on watch, I felt guilty that because I was the woman, I should be taking care of them. My girls wake up constantly, so even if I could sleep, I didn't have the chance. Each encounter throughout the night just got worse, I kept get angrier and started to just not care at all. And I want more than that for my girls. So I let go. I let Josh take care of it. And in turn he is taking care of me as well. The girls still get up several times a night.

Josh so readily accepts situations like these. I could never be that good of a wife to him.

I would never be good in the military. If I am short on sleep, (unless I'm running on adrenaline) I just don't function. I am angry, bitter, everything that I worked so hard to get rid of about me. It's still me, it's just a lot less portion. I just turn totally ugly, when I am tired. Someone wasn't kidding when they named it beauty sleep. And no, I'm not fishing for a compliment. Thanks though.

My subconsciousness always knows when something like this is bugging me, it starts showing up in my dreams. I was taking care of a group of kids and everyone picked up their kid except for one dad, and for some obscure reason, when he came in to pick him up, he tucked his kid into my arms and picked both of us up. Literally. And if you know anything about picking up a grown adult, that is no easy feat, but he just, as if I was as small as the child I was holding, picked me up with ease. And the weirdest thing came over me, like I was totally taken care of, and nothing could or ever would hurt me. I wanted to be carried like that forever. I just let go of everything, and let him take care of it. It was a relief, like no one could ever experience. Complete peace.

Try waking up after that dream without groaning.

What next

Rough day today. The girls were super active. Cassie climbed all over everything, including Mt. Everest. Dar was picking on Laurel. And when Dar picked on Cassie, Cass hit her. It's been a fun day in the timeout chair.

I think I was mostly overwhelmed. I mainly wanted to avoid any responsibility that I cast upon myself today. Not that it's a bad thing to want, it just means I'm breaking a mold here. Giving myself a little more freedom. It's funny what can hold you back from doing things. Like I don't do anything I really enjoy until my dishes are done. Like play computer games.

Today I got really mad at just about everything. The kids were doing fine, so thankfully I didn't take it out on them. I almost broke a few dishes, which would mean less dishes for me to wash, (have to give that one some more thought next time) and screamed my head off after dumping water on the floor. That pretty much ended my dishwashing ideas for today.

I get to frustrated sometimes with who I am and where I am at that I can't help but scream. Thankfully I have changed the person into who I am today, because in the past, I would have broken many things and maimed a couple people with my anger alone. I was pretty close today to that. I seriously need help.

And maybe that's just it. I don't know where to turn. I really don't have that many close friends, family just doesn't understand my frustrations, and in most cases don't take me seriously. I hate my doctor. That really frustrates me because I know he wouldn't take me seriously either. I really don't have anybody who I can just drop off the kids to, especially when I get this way, just so I can cool off and get my head back. That steeps into my mind more than anything, that I am fighting with myself while trying to be a decent mother and keep things as normal as possible for my kids. So really that leaves everything to me, alone; just between me and God. I know I've come a long ways, and I hope in the future I will never have to worry about it.

Of course God, you could just save everybody the trouble and come back now...

Somehow I don't think He'll do it just for that reason.

Dear God...

Josh and I haven't always prayed with our girls before dinner. In fact we started praying out loud before meals this year. Last night though, while Josh and I were getting dinner ready, we usually get the girls settled at the table, with food on their plates so they don't have to wait for us to get the rest all done. I walked out of the kitchen, to see them holding hands and hear them bless the food. It was so cute!!!

Conversation Psychologist

I can't believe the time already. My days have been going by so fast. Especially this week. Tonight we are planning on going out with Barney and Melissa. Should be good.

Although I've noticed I'm not very talkative today. Doesn't bode well, maybe I'll reform myself before then.

Does anyone else get those days, when you just have nothing to say? I couldn't make conversation today even if my life depended on it. Maybe that makes me more unique than most days, because then I start talking about pot holders and other random things. I'm just not a conversationalist. I'm one of those people who stands there and nods their head, almost like I am jamming to the music going on in my head. Then if I get really desperate, I start talking about nonsense, or things I know are going on in their lives. Turn the focus off from me. Limelight, elsewhere. Good. Someone else can be responsible for conversation, for a little while anyways.

Until I remember something really interesting. That usually breaks the ice. Suddenly everyone gets comfortable because I am obviously comfortable talking to them.

I start lighting up room, you know. Okay so that part is in my head. But hey, when you find something interesting for everyone to talk about, it seems like you can't stop talking. Once you pop, you just can't stop. So says the Pringles guy.

I'm the walking talking conversation psychologist.

That's an official term.

Extra! Extra! Read all about it.

I'm in such a rock and roll mood today. I keep listening to songs with heavy bass, and I am not the type that turns up the bass in my car so you can feel the ground vibrating for miles away. No I like a proportionate amount of bass and treble.

Anyways, some days are like that. I like mellow songs that turn into rock. And I need to find new songs, I've been too lazy to look is all. Or listen. I have too many other things to do. Like nurturing my kids. Big surprise there, right?

Oh this was awesome. Jeff's friend Tina came over last night, and we played card games until fairly late. It was such a good time. Odd that cards can be so fun, but you get to talk and tease while you play.

And shock of my life, Josh's brother Barney called us to go out to dinner for our anniversaries. Theirs was yesterday, ours is today. Yes. Today is our 5th anniversary. We aren't doing anything. Like our previous anniversaries, one of us was sick, (me, this time) it wouldn't seem like an anniversary if one of us wasn't sick. Not only that but Cassie was sick, and threw up all over me at 2am this morning. Being I was sick, I almost lost it myself. You've never smelled anything more rotten than thrown up milk. Yuck. Plus Josh didn't take today off of work. It wouldn't be an anniversary if he did. And I'm not disappointed. I just find it halirious.

Anyways Barn called us, to go out, I think I could handle this being a tradition. I love my brother and sister in law. They are great on so many levels. Sometimes I hate them, but really they are just being them. I don't expect any less. I guess what is so great is because we can argue with them, and nobody gets hurt. We don't do the name-calling bit or blame or whatever, we just argue rather honestly and its out and over with. I guess we just understand each other. It's weird and fun all at the same time.

So I'm not sure what is so great about our relationship. I'm clueless about relationships once again. Oh well. It really doesn't matter.

Although they came out to see Josh get baptized, the only family that showed up. And that was a really cool stand. Like Melissa said, "We wanted to come because we are family." I hope I am as awesome as that, there for them when they have things going on. Which reminds me. Please pray for Melissa today.

Sorry about the newsy post. You can't blame me for one, every once in a while.

Guess who fell asleep.....climbing.


I hope she has 9 lives.

Cassie has been climbing everywhere.

She ended up on the dining room table several times, playing with the chandelier.

The kitchen table needless to say was no match, she easily climbed up there and played on the lazy susan on top of the table.

Then we have this lovely view of our front yard out our bay window, with Cassie sitting right in the middle of it.

I always knew she was a climber. She just showed her skill today.

So Jeff wrapped her up tight in a towel and she hasn't climbed since. 

I can't help it.

I was going to post on how crazy I am, but then I looked through my previous posts, and realized for the first time ever I'm actually happy with what I have written. I used to go back and read my life (before I blogged) and end up in this really crappy mood. Amazing, some people do change.

I guess that's the reality of it all. Even when I want to give up, I don't just sit there and wallow in it anymore. I do my best to pick myself up off the floor right away and try walking on. Half the time I fight through standing up, but hey, everyone struggles. Fact of life.

If I were amazingly perfect, everyone would hate me. For different reasons, I'm sure. Because nothing ever bad happened to me or I always had the perfect hair, you know. I would probably wish that something bad would happen just so something happened, just so I could be like everyone else. If I were perfect that is.

Somehow I don't ever want to be like anyone else. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be them, then I manage to find all the drawbacks and realize, yeah, I like being me. It's much more fun.

What would I do if I didn't have my kids and didn't get to stay at home with them. I'd be the same as everyone else. Stressed, felt like I was over-worked and I deserved more, and really an overall less of a person than I am today.

I like the fact that I have time right now, to figure out who I am. That's my bonus paycheck.

Mom and me days

Today is my brother-in-laws birthday, surprisingly enough. Happy Birthday Barn!

We went to church and Laurel decided she didn't want to play with kids in her class today, she wanted to sit with me in church. So I took her with me and she was super good. Maybe she is growing up after all. Maybe she just wanted Mom and Laurel time.

My mom and I used to have little shopping sprees of mom and me time. She'd pull me from school, which I was usually frustrated with anyways, and we'd have lunch and went shopping. They were really fun days.

Not that I learned much on those days, except that sometimes we need just a day to relax and get our heads screwed on right. I miss those days of freedom. But I hope to have days with my girls just like my mom did. Just me and my mom.

Everyone needs those days to relax. Just get away from the dull and ordinary. To make life more interesting again. I never told anyone the day I came back that I took a day off to spend it with my mom. First, I was suppose to be sick, since that's what I told the office and figured they had cameras that if they caught me in my lie, I would be in huge trouble. (Okay, not really about the camera part, but I was afraid of what teachers would have told the office if they heard me say I wasn't sick and was shopping instead. My teachers were pretty prudish) Second, who wants to hang out with their mom as a teenager. I mean really, if I would have admitted to that, what would the other kids think of me? Now I look back and know they thought of me as lower than dirt, but hey we are all made up of compounds of dirt.

Maybe skipping school was the wrong thing to do, but there is more to life than academics. I was learning life lessons such as taking care of myself even when I hated everything about me and the things around me. That even for a day, relaxing and getting out of the norm, getting to see glimpses of my mom that I would have never seen if I had stayed in school those days. Not having to share my mom with my overbearing, annoying brother (and trust me, he was. There is a reason we called him Bear). For one day imagining that mom was mine. Selfish, maybe, but you have to think she was the only stable person I had in my life. The only person who wouldn't leave, and the only person who loved me even when I treated her horribly. Mostly treating her bad for reasons such as hating myself, hating my life, and most of all struggling through being a teenager.

I truly had the coolest mom. Ever.

Thanks.