Kindergarten Graduation

I stink at parenting. More specifically I stink as the parent who goes on field trips. The extremely weird and ironic thing is that Laurel loves that I go.

Or maybe I just hate the zoo. Now that I think about it, all of the field trips I've been on are at nature trails or places where animals are confined to one area. I don't like seeing animals stuck in captivity for our viewing pleasure. It really bothers me.

And I'm not a hard-core animal advocate or even an environmentalist in the slightest. I like to take care of our earth, but I am horribly American in my efforts. It has to be convenient. I'm willing to drive if it's in an area I am in most often.

Lately I've been fighting with what my priorities are as a parent. I put Laurel into T-Ball this year and I am looking into a dance class for Dar. I want to give opportunities to my girls that play on their strengths. So they don't look back and regret the fact that mom was too blind to see what they were interested in. But there is the monetary issue that plays a key part in my decisions. I really don't like to put a price on my girls learning.

And partly I feel like I don't have any skills that benefit me or anyone else. When I was fairly young my mom bought me a pair of ballet slippers because I told her I wanted to be a dancer. I'm not sure if she signed me up for classes or if she couldn't afford them but I've always felt like that it was a huge loss because I didn't even get a chance to try ballet. Thinking back on it, I'm not sure if I would have been any good at it, considering how klutzy I am, and really, I don't have the personality for it as I am not a perfectionist in that sense. My body just doesn't move simultaneously with other people. Graceful is not one word to use to describe me.

I felt like a klutzy ballerina today at the zoo today. I did not move simultaneously with other people. In fact we moved opposite of other people. The ‘group’ moved from the front of the park towards the back and rushed back to the meeting place which was in front. I however figured if we went straight for the back and made our way towards the front, that it would be more efficient. We got to see everything we wanted to see. Except for the other people because they were still in the front of the park.

Oh well. The zoo doesn’t hold those kinds of animals. Something about human rights…

Star Wars

My girls really like Star Wars. We have a Lego Star Wars game that they love to play, so Josh and I decided to watch the original trilogy which made our house explode with Star Wars terminology. There is always one Princess Leia and usually a Luke running around. Cassie will run to get her light saber to fight monsters and pose and fight like boys do at that age. Cassie calls Darth Vader, Ubadaber, and will teach you to say it just like she does.

Josh is usually Ubadaber. He calls Cassie, Ubadaughter. Somehow, it fits.

Right.

It never ceases to amaze me how we are made into the people we are. How one thing or one person can shape our entire lives, and lead us into a whole new direction that no one would have thought possible.

I can think of many instances of which I could have taken a different path and turned out as someone totally different.

It's interesting to me how everything works so we can be in a place to serve other people whole-heartedly.

It took me a while to realize that just as much as I could never live to be like my mom, she could never live to be like me. If my mom wasn't the way that she is, then I wouldn't be who I am. Just as her parents before her, and her grandparents before that and so on and so forth. All things come together for a purpose and although we never know what that purpose is, we can trust that it's the right one. It's always the right one. Bad times don't happen because they are wrong, (they may be evil and unfair, but it doesn't make the situation wrong) they happen so we can step up and keep fighting for what is right. Somehow we just keep trying to do what's right.

God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle.

The textbook answer

Right now I'm waiting for Josh to get home so I can go up to the hospital and sweet talk the nurses to treat my mom right. I think the last nurse I saw last night was getting pretty annoyed with me, but she kept forgetting to do things, so I would remind her. Poor woman. She had a lot on her mind, I'm sure.

I'm really asking for prayer, for not just our family but especially for my mom.

We actually went to church last weekend. Josh wants to join in counseling engaged couples for marriage. We had a really awesome couple for our marriage prep and I want to turn around and be able to give that to someone else. We'll see. There is an application process; which we have to apply and interview before we can counsel other people. Who knows. I shouldn't be afraid, but I am. I'm afraid that the people who see my application are going to reject me because of my age or the fact that we haven't been going to church for a few months like that makes me a weak christian or something. I don't want to be going for the wrong reasons. I guess it's their problem if they want to judge me and if I'm not suppose to be involved there then I won't be.

So says the textbook answer.

You'd think that at 24 years old, married, and with 3 kids; that I would feel more like an adult. Honestly, I feel more like a kid each day, as I discover how big this world really is and how minuscule I am in it. I keep realizing how much that I just don't know and could never possibly understand. As if I lost control as a teenager when thought I had the world wrapped around my fingers and had it all figured out.

I think I just don't like being at the mercy of people who are older than me. I have to hope they have have the grace to understand my naivete, and have no way to protect myself from it.

St. Matthews

So I wrote these people back and I've gotten a worthless book, a purple ribbon to put under my pillow, and two cents.

Yes. Two pennies. I put them in our change jar.

Oh and more forbidden prophesies!

Josh wants the free prayer coin that you have to send in for.

Hey. What do I know about God's kingdom anyways. How can a religion about God who is all about what's right; feel so wrong???

Bombarded

I've really been having a tough week. Josh has said that it feels like it's been a week long each day. Yeah, that's exactly how I feel.

Keep (or please put) our family in your prayers, especially this week coming up.

I've always hated drama. I don't like conflict. I used to think that I liked to fight and argue, even though I knew I sucked at it (and thought that if I practiced enough that I'd get better at it). I just liked the fact that I got everything out in my fights in my head, and when it came to the real thing, I realized I didn't get anything out at all. Arguments are like that.

What it comes down to is that I really don't want to hurt anyone with whatever words I'm thinking of spitting out.

That's not why I've been having a tough week. Not really. We've just been bombarded with a lot of really sucky stuff. I don't even like the word sucky and I've used two forms of it in this post alone.

I can't help but think of how many people re-read the post to find all the times I used the word. Actually, it amuses me.

Done

Sometimes life tosses up a deck of cards and says, now it's time to play 52 pick-up.

We haven't been going to church for a quite a while now. I can't quite pin the reason why exactly, I think I'm just done with religion. That's not to say I'm done with God, and I don't care if you throw into my face that God asks us to be in community with other believers. I could be absolutely wrong about this right now. But I'm just not accepting the fact that we went to church and tried to connect with people and came out worse than when we went in. A church will never be perfect since it is lined with imperfect people. It just seems like the wrong reason to be going to church. I mean you go to learn about God, but you also go to connect with other people who believe like you do. I think I was just looking for one person just to sit down with for coffee every once in a while and just be comforted with the fact that you believe the same ideas. Someone else to bounce ideas off of and put your head back on your shoulders again. I'm currently getting more of a sense of community from a pair of Jehovah's Witnesses that keep stopping by my door.

I think put too much faith into people. I keep hoping that there just might be someone else out there who wants to do the right thing all the time, no matter what. It feels like everyone has a motive. Me included.

We went to this Ben Folds concert last week and it was really cool. I wish he wouldn't feel the need to swear all the time but everybody has their thing, I guess. Ever since then I've been listening to a few of his songs like they were a religion or something. Sorry Mr. Ben Folds, but I'm not going to be head priestess of the Foldites.

I guess I just like the free style he has. Something I wish I could get a hold of. Seems like I can't let go and just be free. Always captive to something. I'm sure he is captive to something else.

Isn't that the way it is with human beings?

I'm fervently religious when things come crashing down around my ears, but when it comes to the calms in my life God is a trinket on a charm bracelet. How's that for honesty? I hate feeling like I'm just like an Israelite in the desert for 40 years. Human characteristics don't change over thousands upon thousands of years. I'm just as likely to turn my back on God when there is nothing better to do, but when something happens, I'm first to start praying. The story's the same, only the time and place is different.

And at this point in my life, I still believe in God and His Word. I still believe that things happen for a reason and that He knows what's going on. I trust in that. That's not my ultimate truth or anything, but everything else right now just seems to be up for interpretation.

Georgia

So I decided on a whim that I was driving with the girls for a weekend in Georgia. I have some relatives there that I haven't seen since I got married, and I knew they would be excited to see the girls. And they were.

I also found out a lot about my dad's side of the family and got some photos of him when he was younger that I value very much. I don't have much of my dad's things, so I really enjoy the things that I have that were once his.

Plus I got to soak in the Georgia weather, and come back to an equally beautiful day here in Michigan. That was awesome.

The girls were fun traveling companions, although I was worn out when I got back. They are a lot of work, but those amazing times when the wonder and awe of a different world reaches their eyes. Priceless. Laurel was amazed with the mountains, we first encountered the mountains at night, so I told her that the rock face on either side was just a small part of the mountain, she couldn't comprehend how huge they really are until we saw them on the way back. Then the amazement really set in.

We went through Chattanooga at night time, and if you ever go, go on I-24 from the North to the South. It goes around Chattanooga and night seems so black, until it opens up suddenly to the twinkling lights of the city, cascading up the mountainside. It is truly amazing to see the city lights and know just how many people are living in one area. I could imagine the horror that people felt in ancient times when invading armies of thousands upon thousands start to crawl down the mountain each with a torch in their hand. It was an awestruck kind of a moment.

The girls and I had an impromptu picnic on the way back through Kentucky. Cassie was having a meltdown, and it was about time to stop anyways. I had packed food for the trip, so we wouldn't have to stop fast food style. So I grabbed out the plates and cups and we sat on the lawn of a hotel part way up the mountainside. The girls had a lot of fun and it seemed to be perfect timing; since we made really good time after that.

So now I'm planning a trip with my mom for a weekend, not sure where or when yet.

Just browsing

The scientific view of God: (by www.doesgodexist.org)

The purpose of this brief study is to offer a logical, practical, pragmatic proof of the existence of God from a purely scientific perspective. To do this, we are assuming that we exist, that there is reality, and that the matter of which we are made is real. If you do not believe that you exist, you have bigger problems than this study will entail and you will have to look elsewhere.

How very appropriate.

Chain mail for God.

We as humans are so alike in so many ways; we are all trying to survive to some end. All of us have some sort of desperation, an idea we cling to, just to make it through. For some its work, others family, religion, music, books, food, even death, there’s a spark of an idea in everyone. A desperation. And on that note, there are products and materials in this world for every desperation, to appeal to each person and their cravings or desires.

So yesterday I received a letter in the mail to appeal to the desperation of life and financial need.

Another credit card offer anyone?

Imagine my confusion as I pull out a beige and pink piece of paper made to look like it was embroidered. Embroidered stationary? I thought. Then I found as I unfolded several pictures of Anglo-Saxon Jesus, that it was meant to be a prayer handkerchief, which you were to place your name and a name of someone you want to pray for on the handkerchief and send it back to the church it originated. Which I'm all for people praying for me.

What I’m not for as I read on, was the testimonials of people, like O.C. and Anonymous, who sent it back and received large amounts of financial blessings, all attributed to this pink hanky. What would make me want to send it back and add yet another name to their list? The money! Forget prayer. Oh, I’m glad we have that cleared up.

Money: the Deity of Desperation.

As if that weren’t good enough. Enclosed is the sealed magic prophesies that you aren't suppose to open until you send off the handkerchief back to the church, within days of receiving the letter, that is specifically written for you.

I confess, I can’t help but open forbidden prophesies.

I just can’t imagine a church believing, trying to get people to believe in this idea of magic and charm of what seems like a jaded Christianity to me. People see this kind of letter and think, what are those stupid Christians doing this time, as if we are all the same? How far from Christ do we have to get to get people to believe in Him? Does this church not believe that the Bible is full of prophecy? It’s completely and fully open to everyone, not hidden just for Christians to read! How many Christians do YOU see hiding in corners and reading their "Magic" bibles? The point is it’s not magic, it doesn’t change, doesn’t need to be printed on pink embroidered handkerchiefs.

I just feel this plays on human desperation and that actually makes me pretty angry. Makes me almost want to drive out to Oklahoma or wherever they sent this from to tell them how a chain letter full of prophecies isn't really the way to go.

I'm thinking about sending it back. Free postage.