Protecting yourself from disappointments

I tried explaining to my mom about setting yourself up so you aren't disappointed when you get to whatever you've prepared for. I do that. It's a defense mechanism, I am trying to protect myself from people. Even people who love me and wouldn't want to hurt me at all.

For example: When I used to play the piano for church, I would practice and practice, which is obviously the best thing to do, but in my mind I would have to vision that I did it perfectly. My defense mechanism is that I always mess up at least once when I perform, usually it's something small like style. But because I have the mind-set that I will mess up at least once, I always mess up. Once my mistake is past, I have a flawless performance. But it doesn't hurt so bad because I know I make mistakes, and I prepared to make a mistake instead of being perfect and disappointing myself when I fail.

The problem with this is that I am expecting less than I'm worth. I already know by how much I've practiced that I can have a flawless performance. I don't want to regret the fact that when it counts I am supposed to be perfect. I just end up beating myself over it.

It's much worse when I expect other people to perform to my standards (and I don't mean perform in the music sense). I tell myself that they have faults, and can let me down. So when they are less than perfect, I am not surprised or disappointed because I prepared for it.

I used to think that my boyfriends would always break up with me, way before any of them even thought of it. Looking back on it, I see that I probably led them to break up with me, because I didn't have the motivation to cultivate the relationship. I was too busy focusing on protecting my poor excuse of pride and self-worth, and breaking down relationships that had potential to be really great. And I don't mean in a love relationship either, because I am not even friends with these people, I didn't give them a chance to be my friend (because I was hurting myself,) after they figured out the relationship was less than desirable.

When I went to coffee the night before last, I realized that I have changed this perception. I know even if my sister-in-law gets angry with anything I say, she still loves me enough that she isn't going to knowingly try to hurt me. And vice-versa. But that's a trust that she has earned from me. I've known her for 3 years now, and to think that I've taken that long to come around, is amazing to me. And she hasn't just discarded me after lack of interest.

The same goes with Josh, he could have easily walked out on me, because I am a very hard person to live with. I expect too much out of him. And that motivates him in some ways to be a better person, but in other ways it's set him off because he can't reach my high standards.

But I guess I'm worth it. And any relationship my family and friends choose to stick out with me is greatly appreciated. I hope I can successfully live up to everyone else's character and stubbornness to see the relationship through.