You deserve it.

It always surprises me how I have this standard to uphold, and someone else will have a different standard, much higher than mine. I always thought that my standards were pretty hard to reach because they are usually set pretty high, but there are times when someone knocks me off my pedestal and revamps my way of thinking.

For example, if I start thinking it's time for us to build a deck onto our house, and someone else has already drawn up the plans and has built it two times the size I would have gone with.

I'm not sure whether to be pleased or annoyed. I'm pleased because someone took the time and effort to build something way better than I could have hoped for. But I'm annoyed because in my line of thought, bigger is not always better, and there probably is a reason I would of built my deck that size and shape to accommodate my family and our lifestyle. I would have left the whole backyard intact, whereas the other person took up half my yard with wooden posts and planks, that I'd liked to have left for the girls to play in. But then I toy with the idea that maybe for some fate like reason I was meant to let someone give me something that could be better, and they feel good each and every time they look at it saying, "I helped built that deck."

I'm not building a deck here people. Not yet anyways, maybe next summer.

I don't really struggle with accepting people's gifts, usually I'm in the process of accepting gifts and something always comes up that the people giving the gift either need it more than I do or someone else needs that same gift so I end up touching it for 2 seconds before I pass it on to someone else. Isn't that called re-gifting?

No, I think the point is that I think I deserve something and then I remind myself, no I really don't "deserve" anything. Why is it that we demand our rights and think, "Finally! I can use the break in my income taxes to buy something for me!" When we've just spent ourselves into debt a week ago saying the same exact thing for a bonus we received from our jobs. Don't get me wrong. I like to spend money on things I will never take into the afterlife with me. But I think our perspective is a little screwed up when we are buying prestige and class trying to impress someone with how much we can put ourselves farther into debt. Yes, the debt owed to buy back your life is very impressive!!!

My point is, although I get a certain thrill when we cut anything out of our budget that we don't need, what makes us think that we deserve anything we keep? Why do we deserve the jobs we work at? Sweat and blood right? Maybe you got lucky that the only resume out of the pile that got picked was yours. But who's to say you aren't going to lose your job tomorrow. Are you going to be pounding at the door yelling, "I was unfairly treated!" What makes you think you "deserved" that job?

I guess it all comes down to whos standards you really live by. I mean I may think that the deck I would build would be right for my family, but maybe the bigger deck is the better option and I don't know it yet. Maybe gifts I receive that I turn right around and give to someone else will be used for better things than I would have used them for. Maybe I'm just the middleman. Maybe that's why I don't think I deserve anything, because I know that things can change in a heartbeat, that anything I think I deserve, can be ripped right out beneath me. Either I'm blind and afraid to believe I deserve anything or maybe my standards are based on the fact I believe God will put me where He needs me to be and it will be right. That's not deserving anything, that's just being where I'm planted to be. Knowing that whatever I could possibly need, some other middleman will pass it to me.

I wasted too many years on pity parties over what I thought I deserved.

Cassie girl.

Thought this was cute.

She's really getting too big. I found a picture that I thought was Cassie but it turned out to be Laurel when she was 3. I didn't realize how much Cassie looks like Laurel until that moment.

Randomology

We have been mowed over this past week and a half.

Someone or several someones in our house have been sick for the last ten days, except Laurel, who has an immune system like steel, she finally got a little stuffy last night and still managed to wake up beautiful and sick-free. I should be so happy for her.

And we're still fighting. I have this theory that with all the time Josh and I have been getting up for whichever girl is sick for the past week and then some that we just aren't getting the needed rest we should be to be healthy again. And I didn't need a bachelors degree for that. Deduced it on my own. I'm some kind of Einstein.

It just stinks.

Cassie just walked in here, demanded juice, and called me Melame.

It was cute.

Runny nose and all.

Babies

He wasn't saving food for later, he was saving the entire utensil for later.



He then popped the fork right out of his shirt and promptly started chewing it.

I know. This picture looks like I'm holding him at fork-point. Honestly though, he was just complaining because I was taking his picture and would of rather been chewing on the camera.

Missed.

Yes. I figured out why Laurel missed the blue house. She was afraid that the bus would "miss" the house and she would never get home. Now that we have that cleared up...

She didn't really miss me at all, she was just afraid of being missed.

Bus

Laurel ran off the bus today and said, "Mom, I missed you! I missed you and the blue house!" (Which is what my girls call our new house.) She is such a homebody.

Laurel

Today is Laurel's first day of school at her new school. She's been out of school for a month now, we pulled her out early because she wasn't doing well at Riley. We've been really psyching her for school, just these last weeks, she was finally beginning to get excited about going to school again. I'm just glad she isn't dreading it anymore.

When I took her in, I started to get really excited too. They have a lot of programs and different things that Riley just did not have. And the programs that Riley had, Colt is taking a step farther. For example, RIF (Reading is fundamental), it's a program where kids get to look at new books and the focus is that reading is fun. At Riley they got to pick a book out and send the tab home, for the parents to buy. At Colt, the PTA financed RIF so that the kids can each take home 3 books for free!!!! How is that not awesome??? And Laurel's teacher is amazing! She excited about the kids and interacts with them constantly, helps them out. It's just amazing. I can't believe what a difference. This school is going to be much better for Laurel.

I'm so excited for her!!!

Weird

The most weird thing happened to me today. I'm not even sure weird is the right word for it, it's was astounding, and just overall amazing.

I usually make my way through life not making eye contact or talking with anyone besides my own kids. I think it's just I don't have the confidence. I'm not sure I try anymore.

I tend to go to the grocery store and pretty much apologize my way through it. Usually one of my girls are running into someone or gets into someones way, so I am constantly saying that I'm sorry. But I actually see people then, I look them in the face and for what little time I have, I try to be as gracious as I can be. Some people are super grouchy, others, it makes them smile that 3 little girls are following around their mom like ducklings. That may be the only smile they have that day.

A guy today said hi to me, and usually I just say hi back and keep on going, but today I said, Hi, how are you?

He wasn't pretty. In fact although his hair was freshly cut and clothes were clean, he walked limply with a walker and his face was severely scarred. Slowly and stuttering, it was hard to hear and understand him, but his story poured out of him that 23 year ago, he went out in the street on his bike, and got hit by a car.

The words that keep haunting me is when he told me, "Never give up." Like my own personal message. "I haven't given up," he says and that was very clear.

I keep thinking about Jesus and the lame beggar, or the blind man. Both outcasts of society, overjoyed when Jesus healed their needs; unlike them this man didn't let his outward appearance deter his desire to talk to people and tell them about Jesus or his willingness to never give up. He was living proof that Jesus doesn't have to be alive to be evident in our lives, to have a desire to keep on keeping on, no matter what is handed on our plates.

Last night I went out with my sister-in-laws, and the waitress came to drop off the bill, she fumbled around in her pocket and finally started unloading it. Embarrassed she pulled out a Gideon Bible, and said, "Yeah I got handed this today, it's just been one of those days. I guess someone thought I needed to get me some religion."

I keep thinking, what could I have possibly said? It just seems that God placed her in my hands for a reason, just like He placed the man at the store.

I don't even think I'm trying to understand the why, I'm trying to understand the what do I need to do next. I'm lost here. It just feels like someone is barging in and throwing people into my lap when all I want is just to make it to the end. And I know I have a small life, I don't deny it. All I can handle is taking care of my girls. These little encounters throw me off. I have to step back and think before I act as I shake off the impact.

I don't know what to think right now.

It's not my birthday.

Wow.

So much has been happening that I can't think of where to start.

So let's start with today.

Today was suppose to be an immensely productive day. My in-laws came over to help Josh with a few things around the house. We dropped off the girls at my mothers house to spend the night, and were planning on a nice relaxing day after we had worked. However. Today just did not start out right. It was one of those days were everything started a new problem. I woke up this morning to a sink that wouldn't drain, so with all my power and might I tried a few things to get it to do, well, something besides just stand there. And the water didn't budge.

So I left it.

After we dropped off the girls and gave the sink some time to think about draining, we came back home to fix it's problems. After a bit of pulling and pushing, water still standing in the sink and backing-up into my dishwasher, my father-in-law decided it was time to take a look downstairs. He found an entire section of basement soaked in water. After the area was cleared, he took a look at the pipes, which I returned back upstairs, where my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law and I stood by the sink, talking and waiting for my father-in-law to tell us what he needed next. Instead there was a yelp, then the sink gurgled and drained, all in the matter of seconds.

"Why is the sink draining?" I asked and then realized that the yelp may lead to an answer.

There stood my father-in-law, drenched in whatever had been left in the sink for eons, and a smell arose so vicious that it awoke any senses that may have been sleeping. Josh ran back and forth with buckets and I ran for towels, as the pipes were still leaking this grey sludge, with rocks and onion peels left for us to contemplate what kind of people lived in our house before us.

It didn't stop there, my father in law had brought what he called "The Snake" which was a cord that he fished down the line about 2 feet or so, dragged back whatever had been in the pipe and then going in another 2 feet, trying to reach and pull clear a clog. He went in 20 feet before calling it quits. We hauled out at least 5 gallons of grey sludge.

And at this very moment, we still don't have a working kitchen sink. However, our bathroom and laundry facilities are fully functional, since they are at the opposite end of the house.

And I'm not at the least bit upset. In fact, I was more upset over the fact that I pinched myself in the closet door this morning than I was over the cascading waterfall of grey sludge on my basement floor.

I think God was preparing me, you know, the 'pinch to grow an inch' that you get each birthday as a kid.


No.

It's not my birthday.

House

I can't believe it's here. The morning we sign our lives away on a house. It seems like it was never going to to be a possiblity again and yet, God swept us away and blessed us outragiously. How does He do that???

Keep us in your prayers, as the next few days of moving will be stressful. I've gotten everything I can packed. Yesterday I hit a point in the day where I was just wandering around the house looking for something else I could pack like I was obsessed or something. It took me a good half an hour of wandering to finally say, Yup, I'm done, and sit down to a (now cold) cup of tea.

Oliver is getting pretty sick of me packing. He crawling now and follows me around the house. He gets so angry when he finds me near a box, that he turns over on his back, yowls and starts kicking the box full force with both feet as if to say, "Hey! You're paying more attention to that inadimate object than me!" Kick, Kick, Kick, Kick, I hear his feet as they turn in rapid spinning circles. So I pick him up and twirl around with him, which then he smiles and turns back into the happy baby he once was, before he saw me and the box within 2 inches of each other. Eventually, I return him to the living room to play and it starts all over again.

I wonder how he's going to react to unpacking.