Super mom!

I wish I was super mom. My kids just demonstrated how awful they could be once again. Anyone have advice? I can't seem to get my kids to leave some place once we've gotten there. It's not my 1 year old that is the problem, it's my 2 and 3 (almost 4)year old.

I can't help but think it's all my fault that they act this way. Actually the real issue is that we don't get them out enough, just for this reason, they fight us and I can't fight 3 kids at one time, it isn't possible. Thus the super mom thing. I need about 5 extra arms, and a helicopter to get my kids out of a place. So everyone bear with me, I'm trying to get my kids used to going places and behaving when we leave. It's going to be torture for a few months.

A whole lot of...well....nothing.

Alright people. I gave you a warning. Yesterday I whined and complained about empty blogs. But today they are really empty. Makes me want to pull out another corn on the cob story, but who really wants to hear about corn?

Wow, I didn't realize that I put yesterday's blog up twice, I guess I'll edit that. Weird. It's been doing funky stuff like that to me lately. I must blog too often.

Dar is so cute, I wish I knew how to load sound things or even videos on my blog. Dar's been singing You Are My Sunshine, while I play it on the piano. She even sat on top the piano and belted it out with all her might. It was great, and all on video.

I was teaching the girls to parade around the house. We made a shoebox drum for Dar, to hit with spoons, and Laurel played my mandolin as we marched around singing. Dar and Cassie were so thrilled with the drum idea, that we pulled out metal pans, and a couple more spoons, and they drummed for the next few hours. I showed Laurel how to hold the mandolin, and you should have seen her face when she got her first notes ringing out. She was so excited. Who knows, maybe I've got a guitarist or string player in my family after all. That's up to her. Although a guitarist would be pretty awesome.... I wish I had someone to teach me.

Alright I'll admit it, before I die, I would like to marginally be able to play any instrument. Perfecting every instrument is impossible, however I've got a pretty good handle on a few. I guess it's a pretty useless trait, but I LOVE to learn new instruments, it's so challenging for me, but I think it might be a realistic dream. I guess we will have to wait and see.

The invention of the corn stabbers

I love mornings when I get to look at different discussions on the riv board, and look at other peoples blogs, however, lately no one has been writing, (that I usually check out) come on guys, write something down.....I'm dying here.

The girls ate corn on the cob yesterday with us, and I wish now that I got pictures. At first they complained that the corn was too hot to eat. So I got out some of those corn holders(from our stuff packed away, mind you, I think my mom just doesn't believe in them anymore, since they vanished from our house, clap as loud as you can and say "I believe in corn cob holders, I believe in...." ). You know, those funny looking corn stabbers, that are about 6 inches long that could seriously take out a few apendages, and be used as a weapon. Yeah, I used those so they would have something to hold on onto when they grabbed the corn. They were pretty thrilled with those things, just like I was when I was a kid. I can remember my dad reaching into the back of the silverware drawer to get those corn stabbers and artfully stab the ends of our corn. Like it was some big treat. An invention that could have been left behind, but kids so marvel at the wonderful things of this world, they keep them around just for them. Well that and if you put butter on the corn, it won't get your hands messy...either way. My kids thought they were the biggest thing since the invention of the corn stabbers.

Well that's it for today, tune in next time for stuffed shells. Are they filled with stuff to eat, or are they used to plaster the walls in Picasso fashion?

Prayer

I was reading an email from Melissa, and this quote struck me,

The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor.

I like that. Seems like I've been doing it way too often lately.....

Honestly though, I don't think prayer can be "too often." Usually, it's not often enough.

To dress or not to dress

We got the girls dresses, that match, except in different colors. Dar decided to try one on today, and she is so cute. It'll keep her from taking her diaper off for a little while anyways. We have been potty training, a little, because she's not patient enough to leave the diaper on and come and get me when she needs a diaper change. So every once in a while I see a naked kid running around the house, and have to catch her so she will be clothed again.

So as long as she has clothes on, she'll ask for a diaper change, but thats not to say that she doesn't take her clothes off either. I love 2 year olds. You have to love their mentality. If its wet, take it off. Makes sense to me.

Josh, Jeff, Jen, Laurel and I were riding in the car to church Saturday. Josh was turning onto 27 and I told him to watch out, since a lady pulled out from across the highway. Josh is like, it's okay, I'll pull into the right lane and she'll turn into the left. Yeah, I said, that's how its suppose to work, doesn't mean that she thought of it.

Then Jeff says, Jen always pulls into the right lane. Well, we get closer to church and Josh ends up turning into the left lane, after a right turn. He says, oh sorry Jen, and we all have our little laugh.

So we get out of church and Josh (why I let him drive again, I don't know) gets onto the highway near home, and again pulls into the left lane, from a right turn. This time I said, didn't you forget to apologize to Jen? Nah, Josh said, I'm not apologizing this time. Then we heard Jen in the back say, that's okay I wasn't planning on forgiving you anyways.

So Josh is being smart and decides to lane change....5 or 6 times, I told him that he was confusing the person behind us. So after about a minute, Jeff was telling another story, and from behind us, the Clinton County Sheriff pulls up and passes us. Jeff stops mid-sentance, and we all laugh, then Jeff says oh wow, now my story can't compare to this!

What a day.

What a weird day.

Not only is there snow on the ground, but I decided to take my girls to church. They were having a blast, in fact so much, they didn't want to leave. So I had to physically pick up Dar and take her out of the class. Then we went to pick up Laurel and lucky enough a woman took Dar, while I got a hold of Laurel so I could get her coat on and everything. Then I took Dar, and she kicked and screamed like only a 2 year old could do. I got plenty of harsh looks, sympathetic smiles, and even a laugh. I don't think I was terribly embarrassed though, Dar and Laurel were going to do what they wanted, and I wasn't going to stand around and let them mow me over. So I just got out of the church, and by the time we got to the car, they stopped. Surprisingly enough, I never said a word to them, and they rather quietly sat in the car all the way home. And when I mean all the way home, I mean the whole half an hour it takes to get home. Silence.

I was supposed to stop at the store after church and quickly thought it was a poor idea, since the fight we had at church. I'm glad they like going to church and want to stay, but that doesn't give them grounds to throw temper tantrums. We will see how next week goes.

So instead, the girls stayed home with Grandma, while Josh and I went to the store, and picked up diapers and such. When we got home, the girls were so excited to see us. So we played and whatnot, and then Dar realized she had to use the bathroom, and made it!!!! We have been practicing all week and she made it! What a surprise.

We decided to go to Josh's parents, why, I don't know. I guess we are crazy. Before we went we had "the" talk. The remember what you did to me earlier and I'm not going to stand for it talk. And amazing enough we got ready to go, and while grandpa and sam got a hold of Laurel, and she was calmed down, I got Dar, who fought me, and screamed at me, and so I quite plainly put her in a timeout. She was so mad at me. Quite frankly I didn't care. We got Cassie dressed, and heard this "Are you done" coming from Dar in the background. I got everything set, and told her she could get down. She rather quietly got off her chair and walked out the door, no fuss, no hassle. Must of wanted to know her boundaries. Timeouts do wonders.

Then she fought me into the van......

And fell asleep. Two year olds. Thank goodness it is just a stage.

Long post, but has been bothering me subconsciously

I was writing and thought of something pretty major.

Tonight I picked up an audition tape for Riverview. I'm not even sure if I'm going to do it, but I'm one step closer. And quite frankly it makes me nervous, just thinking about it. But I want so badly to give it a shot, just to say I did it. I want to see what it's like, just once.

So I ended up reading the information, well...novel; full of facts about the worship team and what was expected and all. What's silly is then I realized that my confidence level in me is probably coming across as low. As I signed up, I was very hesitant, and later I must of replayed that scene in my mind, a half a dozen times. Not that I could change it, but maybe the way I come across to others is something I should work on.

What is sillier is that I've very confident in my abilities. But I am also well aware of my limitations.

I remember the moment I first felt alive. Just a spark, that living was worthwhile. It was the first day I went to Riv and saw one of the awesome worship teams. Then I thought, why am I sitting here? This is not where I am suppose to be. But I was bitter and jealous, and thought as well, why am I here? Because I put myself here? Because no one reached out and "helped" me to accomplish my goals in life (so I foolishly thought everyone else had this). I wanted a helping hand that I could....and would! reject so I could keep complaining about my bitterness and lot in life!!!!

I think that is the most real thing I've ever said about myself. I wanted something that I was so sure that EVERYONE had, I was blind to see no one or a small percentage, had it and everyone choose to work just as hard as me. Only I choose to give up.

I don't give up. Not intentionally. But somewhere in my subconscious, I gave up. I wasn't good enough.

And the first night I noticed that I had given up, was that night.

So I knew a change was about to happen in my life. I was living with my inlaws at the time, and going crazy. Nothing I did was right with them. We ended up moving out and I didn't know where to start. I had just started taking piano lessons again, just to further my studies since I was in a rut. We sang in the choir. My music started to take me over again. Then suddenly, we just didn't have any money. None. We couldn't make our rent, so we moved out. We were planning on buying my mom's house anyways, and since Josh really didn't have a job, moving in was the best idea we had, not that my mom would let us live on the streets with 2 kids and me pregnant. Very dark times. The whole dark ages, which summed up a good year of our lives, I didn't write any music, it was like I couldn't breathe. Josh would be home and so irritated and depressed, I would be so frustrated, and it was like I couldn't go on. But I did. It was a long haul. You talk about giving in, and I was at the end of my rope, in fact I think I was the one cutting my rope so short, just to end it. Then somehow things started to turn around. Finally Josh became employed even if it was briefly, to get us somewhat on our feet again. I decided one day that I was sick of people trampling over me. Then I took the next step and started to attend church regularly, and really devoting my time to reading the bible. Remembering what I was like as a Christian for the first time, with renewed strength to see me through each day. But I remembered that I didn't want to walk that fake path I had taken before. This time I wanted to be a real Christian. And it showed. One morning my mom asked me if I was alright. I wasn't being my usual self I guess. I woke up one morning with a vision so real, I wished I could say I dropped to my knees, in that instant. But instead I went over to the house I knew I should be praying for, and prayed over it. It still haunts me. The other night I had once again another dream, and I keep thinking of it and each time I do, I pray about it.

I don't think I've experienced my life being poured out like this and with relief. Well, this my life. And I intend to keep going on, just as determined, intently, never giving up spirit, that I have always had. I wish I could say that I knew my life was going to be perfect from here out, but I know that is not true. But I'm not going to complain that it is too hard either. God isn't going to grant me the easy life, and I'm going to take what I get and do the best I can.

A Story

The Box I Took With Me.

I imagined that I would float to heaven and be welcomed, with some degree of persecution. Instead I stood outside of a door with a little box in my hand. I looked back at the door and thought; maybe if I go through it, I’ll suddenly be back on earth, back to the normal, back to the usual. I tried the knob but the door was locked. And I had nothing on me but the clothes on my back and a box.
So I started walking. I kept walking and wondered what was going to happen next. No one could possibly have written about this experience. I was beyond scared for my life, or lack of one. Was the longer I walk, the longer they had to decide where I was going next? Or did no one get in, and they kept walking, until the final judgment day? I would have thought, to help with the flow, they would let the dead in as they came, but I guess if you are impatient with getting into heaven, would you really get into heaven?
As I walked I started to notice something in the white existence of nothing. It looked like a man, and he was just waiting. I began to get excited, maybe it was another traveler like me, and was tired of walking. But it also increased my fear as well, that he has been walking a lot longer than I have, and hasn’t gotten anywhere yet.
The man looked at me, and said, “What’s in your box?”
“I don’t know,” I said. I looked at the box and looked for a way to open it, but there was nothing there for me to open it with. I was disappointed by this and also curious of why I was carrying a box that didn’t open. I thought about putting it down and leaving it behind, but somehow I knew that wasn’t that great an idea. I looked to the man and asked, “Do you have a box?” “No,” he said, “I gave mine away.”
I was shocked; he knew what was in the box? “What was in your box?”
“Everyone holds something different in their box.”
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to bother with this man, but he walked along side of me like it was normal, and any kind of normalcy was gladly accepted at this point. I didn’t think that anymore conversation was needed with this man; I was enjoying the walk, and I’m sure he would have given me more cryptic answers anyways. I was curious though, since I had never been here. I thought of how to ask him about the landscape of white, but considering that there was nothing to it, but white road and white existence, I didn’t think it made much of a conversational piece. He seemed almost familiar anyways, like he knew me or had known me, but I had never seen him before in my life.
So instead I asked him, “Who did you give your box to?”
He laughed. I was shocked by this, and then he phrased it, “Who would you want to give your box to?”
“I really don’t know, well, maybe if I knew what was in the box I’d know.”
“Does this box really mean that much to you?”
“I don’t know what it is! How do I know if it is of value?”
He paused for a while, and laughed again. I was almost offended except somehow he knew what was in my box and I didn’t. I would have looked to the side if I would have found anything of any color over there. Not that it mattered, but I could at least pretend to be interested in something else besides the man.
“Maybe,” I said,”If I give it to you…”
“What do I need a box for?”
“I don’t know, you tell me.”
He shook his head, and said,”Are you really going to give a box of all you ever known and had since you got here, to a man you don’t know?”
“I know you, somehow,”
He smiled, “I don’t have the key”
“What key?”
“To your box,” he pointed. I looked again, but there was no keyhole, or anything that looked like a keyhole. “What key?” I asked again.
“Look.” And I looked up to see two men sitting on a bench. They looked like they were waiting for something.
Trying to be funny, I said,”So, are you waiting for the bus? I don’t think this is one of its regular stops.” The two men looked at me and one said, “No, we were just having a conversation.”
By this time, I think I was going crazy. It may have been all the white. It may have been my cryptic companion. I’m not sure. “What’s in your box?” One man asked.
“Horses,” I said, “Lots of horses and their pastures.” They weren’t surprised or impressed I think. Quite plainly, I was sick of my box, and its “treasures.” I was going to put it down and leave it behind, but then I noticed that these men didn’t have any boxes, something was up. “Where are your boxes?” “We gave them away.”
“You know, this is ridiculous.” I said. And I started to walk away, where I was going, I’m not sure in this white world. But I start to think, why are they giving their boxes away? What was in them? Who are they giving them to? They were all against me. What was in this box, that I was supposed to give away? So I turned back around, “What is in this box?”
One man looked up, and said, “I don’t know. What do you put into a box? Treasure? Things that don’t have a place? What do you store in a box? Everything and anything is in that box.”
The other two men nodded like it was this great oration. “Everything and anything,” I said as I looked at the box. Then I thought some more. “I know exactly who I want to give this box to.” The two men and my companion’s eyes lit up, “Well then,” said my companion. ”Who is this person you want to give this box to?”
“God. I want God to have my everything and anything,” I said. The two men handed over to my companion unidentifiable items rather sullenly, as if they made a bid on my life. And my companion motioned me to follow him. As if whiteness had a life of its own, it engulfed me and I was transformed into a room full of people, happy people, in fact. In the middle, the floor was made of a clear substance, looking down on earth. I saw a man as regular as they come, that I stood before. “So I hear you have a box for me.” He says.
“Are you….” Then there was no doubt in my mind who He was, I just knew. Then I looked at my companion, and it was like I saw him for the first time. In my lifetime, he was there when I doubted everything. When I fell, he saved me. When I was happy, he rejoiced. He was my guide, my protector, my holy spirit.
“Here,” I said to the man in front of me, “I’ve been wanting to give you this all along,”
“Why were you waiting?”
“Because….because, I didn’t want to give you anything bad.”
“But I take in the bad with the good, I accept you for who you are, and everything that’s in this box, which is your true heart.” and He opened it, I looked inside to see my hopes and fears, my doubt, my strife, my evilness as well as goodness, and everything I had done in my life, was there. There was no hiding, no getting away now. There it was, in black and white. Right there in that box. Then I realized something. I could have given that box to Him long before I got here. Before the door, before the white road, before my companion walked with me for miles to see what I thought and wished for my life. Before I ever died, I could have given Him my life. But I was afraid. I accepted and believed, but I couldn’t give my whole life up. And I didn’t have to wait.

I didn’t have to have it stored in a box.

I was reading about Noel's Gematriculator, which by the way 52% of my site is evil. And I started to look into his theory behind his math. There were a couple of interesting facts like...(written by Keith Newman)

We're told the pulse beats slower every seven days as if it were in accord with the seventh day of rest proclaimed in the Genesis creation week. And God formed man of the dust of the ground (Gen 2:7); science confirms the human body is made of the same 14 elements (2 x 7) found in your average handful of dust.

Isn't that interesting? That we are actually made up of sand, God didn't change a thing. I think that is really cool! I don't know exactly what I thought before, okay, so I never really thought about it. I think I just assumed that God just created us different, the sand was more a symbolic thing. Pretty stupid I guess, but I'm not much of a scientist anyways.

The crazy world of Mel

I don't want to fight today. My daughters are into everything today. Cassie keeps turning the tv on, Dar scours the house for a pencil, so she can write on every book she can find, and they are very whiny today. Needless to say, they've all had plenty of timeouts today. And it isn't even lunchtime.

Since I don't want to fight, I got online, and looked at different topics and blogs, and those I would normally post on, I cast to the side distastefully. I'm almost lethargic in a way, like the world can pass me by today, and I wouldn't care. They could bomb the towers again, and I wouldn't be watching it faithfully on the news. Okay, I'd think about it.

Somedays I wonder why I have such different mood swings daily, even hourly. I can be a totally and completely different person, from day to day, depending on my mood. Change has always been a factor in my life, considering even my moods change and I'm never the same person. Consistent? Somewhat. I still believe basically the same things as I did before. Just how they are executed are different.

Somedays, I have so much energy, people will ask me how I get that energy. I don't know I say, and bounce from one end of the room to the next. Then the oppisite, I can be so lazy that I don't get up from the couch, I wrap my feet around the coffee table to bring it closer so I can grab the remote, just so I don't have to get up. Okay, laziness is rare. Most days I am cynical, but there are days when I am hopeful. I am rarely peaceful, and usually reek havoc on anything I touch. Not that I try to be this way. I just am.

I've often wondered if I'm just chemically inbalenced, or if it's just the way my body is made. The great thing about my body is I can inhale caffiene and not worry about sleeping at night. When I was pregnant, I took that glucose test (you pretty much have to take when you're pregnant) when you drink a glass full of sugar, to see if you had diabetes. Here I was, more relaxed than I have ever been, almost drugged and thinking wow, this is nice. They couldn't prove I had any diabetes, but it proved a minor point, my body just doesn't react to sugar like most people. The nurses were just wowed by the fact that I was so relaxed, after consuming that much sugar.

My first delivery I was too close to giving birth, so they gave me a shot of Stadal (yeah I don't know how to spell it). I really don't remember what went on, only that I was in and out of sleep and the pain was horrible. I don't usually swear, but I guess I shouted out a couple a obsenities, and told the nurse to muzzle the lady down the hall who had been screaming for the last 8 hours. Then suddenly I woke up and it was time to push. Craziness.

Well that's enough on the crazy world of Mel.

I can't sleep again, it might be the coffee I had tonight.

I started reading Understanding God's Will, by Kyle Lake, funny enough when this was put on joel's site. If you don't read it, or even you do, it has a lot to do with paradoxes, predestination and God's will, which I'm sure thelogians have fought over before. So I started the book a couple of days ago, haven't had a lot of time to really get into it, but now am really curious on what the author has to say about it. One of the first few chapters is on 100 percent. I'll explain, a lot of people feel if they don't give their all to God, accidentally leave Him out of some part of their life, they've failed God. I don't think this to be true. Not the statement, but the failing God part. We are human. We've been forgiven, for past and future sins. I think it really stems from people not forgiving themselves after God already has. So trying to give your all to God is great, just don't get hung up on it, God already knows you aren't perfect. I think I like that I'm not perfect and am constantly changing. It helps me grow closer to God, by working through my flaws and realizing my faults. I have to lean on Him. Otherwise, I'm a lost cause already. I guess really deciding to give yourself to God, is one of the hardest things to do. It is for me. Selfishly, I want to have some control over my life. And I can't have control and give my life to God too. Can't happen.

I always feel funny in church when I want to lift my hands to God. I wonder who is looking at me, and if it's distracting them from praising God. If that is what they are doing. And it's none of my business. I'm very self-conscience about it, and I find it's more distracting thinking about the action, and don't end up doing it. My mom is very free with lifting her hand to praise God, I just can't. Maybe I'm overly sensitive.

I guess what I am getting at is I feel like I'm a ticking bomb. One day, I'm just going to explode and what everyone else thinks of me isn't going to matter, what I do with my life, isn't going to be about me. What's keeping me back? What is it going to take to make me explode?

There is a pretty awesome article on this one guy's guitar at relavant magazine. I thought it was cool how they put it into words. I know my cello has traveled world wide as well. It's hard to think that I've been playing for 13 years. The poor thing has been battered and gone through several cases as well, several sets of strings and a couple bows.

Today I'd much rather be outside. But I got to get some practicing in, and I have dishes and laundry to do. I guess I'll have to open up a few windows, and hope I can get everything accomplished so I can go out.

Wow, on the 2nd disk of our mulan dvd, it has an international track on it. It's pretty awesome, it sings one of the songs in about 15 or so different languages, having a different language every 2 to 4 lines or so. Pretty cool. Very well done. Crazy to think that the Mandorin language is done by Jackie Chan. Not my favorite actor, but I was impressed he knew more than just English. I knew he studied many martial arts types (Yeah, that's not a technical term) but I'd rather not assume he knew any other language. Maybe he's a smarter man than I thought.

Workout

I have this routine when I work out. I'm not a total fanatic about it, but I enjoy the benefits of feeling better and looking better. I make sure I have enough time to get everything I want accomplished. So I get out my music I want to run to, get dressed, get my water, and out to the treadmill I go. I almost think about turning back as I see it, do I really want to suffer for the next half an hour, or do I realistically move enough to get a workout during the day? Then I say who am I kidding, and step on the torture machine. I decide what kind of mood I'm in music wise and stretch. Then I walk and finally, I run. I start setting little goals for myself. I cheer for myself. I pray heavily. Maybe God wants me on a treadmill. I'm sure He could find another way for me to exercise. But would it glorify Him as much? I rather doubt it.

After I reach my last goal I set at the end, I think I finally start breathing again. I've never been an endurance sort of person, so it is surprising to see me on a treadmill for so long. But I find that the more I don't give this exercise regularly thing up, the more endurance I have in other areas as well. I read for longer periods of time. I have a greater patience with my kids. My dishes get done more often, almost daily and trust me, you're talking to a woman who would let them go for days. When you couldn't find a plate, you found tuperware, and when you couldn't find that..... I think the longest the dishes sat is a month once. It was pretty gross. What can I say, newly married, never been out on my own, and my mom usually did the dishes when I lived at home. Dishes are a huge accomplishment.

You know what? I don't think I can totally say it is just the exercising that did all this. I think it's been all the praying while the torture has been going on. Because I usually pray in spurts, it's nice to have that half an hour long conversation. I usually just can't sit still long enough. I am always moving in one way or the other. I'm lucky that God excepts me for who I am, and unfortunately I also think that if this bod gets beautiful one day, I might just stop all together. What can I say. I'm human. I'm starting to be satisfied with what I have (or don't have). Maybe I'll find another way to glorify God even more, and this time I'll choose something with a little less suffering involved. And a lot less vanity and selfishness.

Of course, a little suffering never hurt anyone, in fact, it builds character. Right???

Baptisms

Josh got baptized!!!!

Well we were late getting on stage, because Laurel was suppose to be handed off to my mom, who wasn't there yet. So I handed her to Jeff, luckily he was there. But she cried when she saw we were on stage and she wasn't. So she came up with us for a while, and loved every second of her 15 minutes of fame. Eventually she got off stage when my mom got there. She always loves the spotlight and likes to steal the show as well. Rightfully so.

I wish I had a copy of what Josh said, I guess they are making copies of the testimonials. It would be nice to write what he had to say here.

So my moms friend, Pat came out to see Josh, I know she's been praying for him. And Barney and Melissa showed up as well. Awesome. I'm so glad everyone came to support Josh in his decision to actively follow Christ. Quite frankly, I couldn't find the right words in my prayers tonight, all I could say was, Thank You God. We have been so blessed, and I'm glad we can find the courage to be who we are, even when we are criticized for it, and we can still go on. Craziness, only God can get us through.

Today is the Day

Yup. Today Josh is getting baptized. I'm so excited for him.

Not too much going around here. The girls once again are getting a kick out of riding the lawnmower with Grandma this spring. We did a lot of cleaning up around here, and the yard looks great. I love spring. Minus the allergies, yes, my whole family has them.

My Cassie baby is getting too big, she's almost a year old! I want her to grow up, but I don't at the same time. I won't have that little baby to hold anymore. I'm sure there will be plenty of babies to hold, but it's not the same.

I finally ordered Bowling Alone, by Robert Putnam. We'll see how it is, I'm kinda curious how he thinks he can solve the problem of people getting involved.

Wow this isn't much of a blog today.

Disney characters

Since we are going to disney this year with the girls, we have been teaching them the other character names, Mickey was pretty obvious, but when we taught Laurel the others, the major charcters in her world turned out to be Donwold, Minnie and Goopy.

The 900 year old man kinda sticks in your brain

Josh and the girls have been so cute lately. The girls have been sick, so they have been cuddly. It's so adorable.

The baptism is this weekend, and I asked Josh what he was going to say, but he wasn't sure. I'm sure it will come naturally, but I'm afraid his naturalness will last longer than his minute and a half. He tends to be long-winded. If you thought I was long-winded, talk to my husband.

I've been looking where in the bible it says that Satan fell from heaven. I remember a sermon when I was younger and I seem to remember some dialogue between Satan and God, but I have been unable to find anything. I looked at Luke 10:18, where Jesus says that he saw Satan fall out of the sky (ouch that had to hurt) and Isaiah 14:12, where it has a whole poem about Lucifer. But is that a vision? I have a feeling the pastor put it all together and created his own dialogue. It's been interesting, I was talking to my mom about it, and we know that he fell before creation, otherwise, there would be no serpent. And another thing, is that there is life outside of the garden of Eden, since the serpent just appeared one day. How did it get there? Did Satan think that it would be funny to see if he could tempt Adam and Eve? Or was he jealous of God having this perfect place?

Actually all this searching has been kinda morbid, anything to do with Satan, and you have hell, death and Hades. You get the flip side of it too though, then you start looking into angels and heaven, and more death. I've said before I don't really have this negativity towards death. Sure I fear it, because I want my girls to be secure especially while they are small. I guess I just accept it. I'm glad to know that there is an end. Could you imagine if we were eternal beings on this earth? I think there would be more suicide. I couldn't imagine looking into the face of 900 year old man, you know? Would you see a man, or some semblance of hanging skin?

Wow.

Your uh, car is driving away.

I was sitting here struggling to type my blog, and a car pulled up. My brothers friend is here sleeping, and it looked exactly like her car. He pulled out of the driveway, smiling smugly, and so I ran down to tell her that her car was driving away. I feared that it was someone she knew. She's said okay....and gets up, I go back out into the living room and see her car, where it was before, and the other car drive out of the driveway. Instant stupidity, you know? I apologized, of course, and she's like, thanks anyways. As I shut the door I couldn't help but laugh. I was so afraid for her, I didn't even think to check where her car was. It's one of those moments you have to laugh, because if you don't, you'd cry. Wow. Brilliant.

Elmo

I don't think Elmo is that good of a friend. He claims that he is your friend, but when does he call? Does he ever come over? And when he talks to you, when does he listen? When he gets letters from his "friends," he doesn't even believe you because he has to ask 5 different people their opinion, including a randomly selected baby, whom he tells it what to think.

Sure he teaches you about the alphabet. But here are these kids thinking Elmo is their friend, when it couldn't be farther from the truth. Are they learning how to become a friend? No, they are learning quite the opposite. I think as a society we are learning to live alone, we don't know how to approach other people and if we do, we offend people in our first impression. It was interesting to read in a book I picked up, The Friendship Book, by Rita Robinson, whom isn't a Christian writer to warn you and I don't agree with a lot of the book, but she had one chapter right about shy people. A lot of it had to do with the vicious cycle shy people go through each time in a social setting.

It's similar to arguing with someone about a perceived offense and telling the person he or she is rotten instead of making it clear the behavior was rotten. Rather than focusing on the offense, the offended zeros in on the offender. Shy people go a step further by focusing on themselves and their shortcomings instead of on the situation. Shy people assume others are going to judge them harshly.

Another point made in the book was about when they decide to give up the shy act, and become bold in their approaches towards people, they tend to be forceful in their approach. Thus creating a strained atmosphere, and not making any friendships. The shy person backs off feeling failure, and goes back to their old ways, worse off because of a false rejection, generated by themselves.

I don't think this seriously stems from Elmo and his fake friendship, but maybe that puts some perspective on kids and tv "friends." Kids need to get out and interact, and I am a poor example of interaction. Laurel is much better at it, she doesn't care who you are, she will walk up to you and start talking to you like you were friends forever. I wish I had her courage.

Small group

That wasn't the real reason we went to the small group meeting. I think yesterday I made it sound like this social event, but it was really to find a couple with similar interests, that we could meet every once in a while. Also, it was to clarify what we wanted out of a small group. Which the other couple there was very open about, we weren't so much, but I'm not sure what to expect out of a group. I like a more relaxed atmosphere, which you feel more comfortable in sharing about more personal things. Am I really ready to give myself up? Not sure, but I'm willing to break this horrible shy cycle and leave the fear of rejection to the dogs.

The conversation came around to the serious question of what you wanted out of a small group, and both Josh and I said I don't know. Then they explained what they meant, and the other couple opened up to look smart and with it, but we looked like fools for being honest of not knowing what they meant by this. I hate when the spotlight hits me and I don't know all the facts. So no one took us too seriously I think. Like we were there for a lunch and social event. I want to get involved.

So I'm not sure that God really wants us to be a part of a group right now. Maybe I was meant to be alone for the rest of my life, and stay out of human contact. Maybe I am suppose to die crazy, constantly wondering if I am the only one who feels like this. Alone. The only one there for my kids. The only one there for my husband. For my family.

The funny thing about Noels sermon this weekend, was the minor point of a someone who wasn't doing their own will, wasn't living life for themselves, but was living it for God's will. How many points in my life have I felt thrown into "doing my duty" and miserable because I want to have the freedom to do other things I enjoy. Selfishly. Am I the only person thriving on the hope that things will get better?

I guess this is all about doing my own will, rather than God's. I want to be happy in doing God's will, I struggle each day trying to be happy in God's will. I keep getting thrown backwards (only in the flesh I think) back to the spot I started, and placed where I was before, told that my place is there. Not in left field, not the catcher. But way back in the corner of right field, on the off chance that someone will hit the ball over there and here I am! The ball just hasn't come my way yet. No matter how many times I try to be short-stop, I'm replaced and put back in right field.

If only I could stop trying to do my own will. And give myself, not some part of me, but all of me up. I want to. I need to. But I guess I'm just not ready yet.

Too scared

I don't have a cell phone like most people I know. Even my mom has a cell. I just don't have one, I guess the only time I would use it is when I go somewhere with the kids, or whatever. I'm not much of a talker anyways. Who would really call me on my cell phone anyways. I don't get any regular phone calls as it is. That in itself would be a self-esteem downer if I ever got a cell.

We went to a small group meeting, and it went pretty well, I think. We didn't really get connected with anyone new, but it was fun to talk to different people. I found out one of the people, knows my brother. Big surprise there. My brother knows almost everyone on the face of the planet. He just ends up talking to people, and people instantly like him. Maybe it's because he is good looking, there is some element to meeting people, and gravitating towards the people who are better looking to the plain janes. Or joes. He has a good personality too, but I am just curious as to why some people are instantly liked or disliked.

Which comes down to Noels sermon. I got a lot out of it today. Although I try not to judge people, I know I still do, I know we all do. He had a couple of good points. I liked the idea about making a list of things you aren't willing to give up, I'm not sure if I could do it. I think I would be sitting there, staring at a blank sheet of paper for a really long time. At least a day or so.
And sometimes I think that we are all too scared to give anything up.

Looking Back

Somedays, I look back each day when I blog, and distastefully stick up my nose to whatever I thought before. Like I've out grown it or something, to mature for my own words. I change every day, so looking back seems to remind me of how ridiculous I must sound. It's good for me though, it helps me get through each day, knowing I'm going to learn something new, however small it may be. And I really like that about myself.

I got permission to post Sam's poetry, here it is.

A Look Inside

I found myself in the dark of night
And when I woke I was so happy.
Then the world came crashing down
And I had to face reality again.
But when I saw the sun up in the sky
Of clouds so fine I felt revived.

I found myself in a dream of fantasy
Where my life was complete.
I was no longer lonely and I was
No longer afraid of the world outside.
The image and feelings of it all
Made me want to cry tears of pure joy.

It is hard when I am surrounded
By people yet feel so constantly alone.
I have found myself in some ways
Though not enough to make me whole.
I am better than I used to be which
Is a step in a stairwell full of thousands.

Samantha Pung (April 2005)

My pathetic attempt at poetry

I talked to an old friend of mine yesterday. He was in the same orchestra as I was in high school. And now he subs for the Midland Symphony Orchestra and is going into music education at CMU. I think that is so cool. He always was first chair (no comparison) and although not the most popular guy, I loved to talk to him before class. Maybe that was why I always talked to him, the popular guys weren't safe, they went out of their way to humiliate or torture poor girls like me. He was always doing something different and interesting. How lucky he was to have such opportunities. I would have died to have half the opportunities he did.

My sister-in-law wrote a really awesome poem, and I would post it here, but I keep forgetting to ask for permission. So if a really good poem shows up here, you'll know it wasn't me, it was probably my sister-in-law. But here is the reason I never became a poet....

One little girl came out to the park one day
And all the other children also came out to play
Although she wanted to stay
All she could do was run away

There was no doubt this girl was shy
But she gave up long ago, and started to cry
All she wanted was to play near by
But to say she was bold would be a lie

It happened that some saw her go
And in a second they chased after her so
While she was sitting there with her head hung low
Surprised that they wanted to play, how could she say no?

She got up and put her head up high
No more tears, no more pity, no more sighs
With time she could match the look in the other kids eyes
No remorse, no more pain lost to her cries

Now that is my story of the little girl who spread wings to soar
And the shy little girl she was no more.

Wisdom of Mel

I had a couple of things to blog on today. But I almost don't feel like it.

I wish I was a stronger person. I wish I had all the answers and could dole them out in a loving manner. People from around the world would come to see the Wisdom of Mel, and I wouldn't even accept any money. I would do it for the pleasure of making people happy or seriously seeking answers. When I turn into an old lady, I want to be one of those people who sits on a small town bench and just talks to people. I always thought that would be cool.

I know it's a weird idea, of where I want to be in 40 years. I just don't want to turn into a stuffy old lady who can't be bothered with other peoples lives. They'd rather dye, perm, and sit in a salon for hours than relate with the younger generations. I love it when the elderly tell me stories. They are sharing a part of them, that can't be changed, and you take it or leave it, you learn from it, or forget it. And maybe later you think on it, suddenly the light dawns and you realize what had been told to you, if only you would have listened.

Josh wanted me to call my blogging experience, Mel's pulpit. Yesterday he said I was very preachy. I can't help it, I was irritated. Okay so I just lied. I can help it. My flesh just happened to be stronger yesterday. It happens.

Procrastination

I was pretty irritated yesterday. I hate procrastinators. The last minute people. I know I've fallen victim to this "disease" but it still irriates me when it happens. It's like you want to shake that person and say, get a grip, who do you think you are? Is all you ever think about is yourself? My husband does this (not so often anymore) and this is when I start to nag him.

I don't even know why this bothers me so much. Maybe it's because people plan things last minute and if I actually want to go, I have scramble around to get a babysitter. So not only am I putting myself out because I want to go, and can't, but if I do go, I'm putting out the babysitter who had been planning on sitting at home and enjoying the evening. Which is usually my mom or Josh's parents, and I don't want to get on their bad side.

Procrastination shows so much about a person. If you don't believe me, look at our house. We have tons of lost projects that had been lost to procrastination. So our house isn't big enough to store our "projects." Like our eves, mom took them down to be painted last fall. Great huh? She got them painted. But then winter set in, and she didn't put them up, or she asked Josh to and they didn't get put up. Either way, we had ice all down our driveway, because there was no eves to catch the ex-snow, and it dripped until we had a suicide patches of ice.

What else does it show? Selfishness. Usually, the procrastinator doesn't bother with it until it is due. And they are busy with other things that take priority in their lives. Now stop for a minute, sometimes there are things that should be first in your life. If you make a to-do list today, and then you put it in order of what glorifies God, I think you'd have 2 totally different lists. Not that the procrastinator makes lists most times.....

Laziness, it just bugs me. I like my day to relax. But I don't relax at the expense of others. I always check to make sure my girls are set for the next hour, and see if Josh is okay to take care of anything that pops up, then I go to relax.

Man of their word. How many things have gone by because procrastinators can't get to them all last minute? This is extremely important. Trust comes from this, loyalty comes from this, balance comes from this. Balance, you say? You begin to figure out what you say yes to and what you say no to. Taking too much on is a sign of a true procrastinator. You keep falling farther behind, until people give up asking and you have nothing. Then you'll wonder, what did I do to deserve this? And you'll keep wondering.

Now is the time for a reality check. Is this the kind of person you want to be? Not me. I don't want to feel hurried in my life, because I let everything go for a few minutes of fun. Then when reality hits, I have too much on my plate. That isn't fair to my friends or my family. I want to do my family justice. I want to be honorable. I want to be true. I seem to remember a lot of verses about procrastination, especially in Proverbs. Look it up. I think you'll find the wise planner is the better way to go. And you won't have to worry about who you put out. You begin to run a more efficient lifestyle. Although life is never easy, you'll find it is more peaceful and that shows. I'd much rather show my peacefulness than my selfishness. Hands down.

What do you want to be?

I was wondering what everyone else wants to do with their lives. What are your ambitions and dreams?

I want my kids to be confident and not worry about the restrictions of this life. I want them to know they can be anything they want, and can accomplish anything. Be free.

I also want to travel and take the girls with me to show them the world. I think it would be fun to go to Greece, Italy, Israel, anywhere and everywhere. I've been to Scotland and I want to show them how awesome that is.

Everyone knows I like music, I want to study different types around the world. What influences each culture to write a certain way?

What do you want to be when you "grow-up?"

One of those musings.

I offend people. I remember when we were in Marquette and at a Christmas party for Josh's job, and I don't even remember what I said, I didn't mean anything by it, and the guy next to me said, "It wasn't meant to have a negative impact, as you so implied." I then looked at the guy and began to wonder how many people actually took me wrong.

So I watched what I was saying, and tested the waters to see how people reacted when I said one thing against another. Was it the tone in my voice? Did I just appear to hate my life? Which I did at the time and I wondered if I came across as bitter and worthless.

I think that's when I took my first real step and started wondering how I appeared to other people. I wasn't too concerned with what they thought, but I wasn't really reacting in a loving manner. I was cynical and critical, and it was all reflected in my voice and actions.

I think that is when my voice started to matter. I pulled back, and didn't say much. When I said something, it was awe inspiring, as Josh would have put it. Whether I was smart or not, others perceived me as brilliant, because of my lack of language.

I can understand where wisdom comes from by keeping your mouth shut. But I think it is a false wisdom. One day you crap it up and say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Or by saying nothing, the situation gets worse until it is out of control. Wisdom sometimes is saying something that needs to be said.

90% of arguments are because of miscommunication. Isn't that interesting? I am nowhere near perfect. I still offend people, daily. But it's not because of my bitter actions, or my dry sarcasm anymore. I try to say the right thing. The truth. And a lot of people don't like that. They don't like looking in the mirror and seeing the flaws on their skin. They don't like seeing what they've done in their lives reflected on their face, and by the way they move. Most people avoid the mirror because it is a real representation of who they are. I find that looking in the mirror helps me figure out why I am the way I am, and though it's painful, I can resolve it. I can be a better person. I can be passionate in everything I do, and not ever feel superficial. Maybe I'm too open, maybe I'm too scary, but you know, God keeps changing me, and I like that. Even if no one else does. Even if it's not popular, or conforms to our society, Jesus never became someone else because society said so. Why should I?

My mom caught me on something, that I knew deep down in my heart. I should approach my in-laws, but I know what I say will be wrong, and it would make the situation worse. I know what to do, but I don't know how to approach it and make it right again. I also know that if it is the right time, then it will make us all stronger. I'm am so horrible at being tactful.

Am I the only one so horribly unbalanced?

Relax. It's good for you.

How much do I want to relax, let me count the ways.

Okay this is my to-do list today

1. relax
2. be lazy
3. oh yeah, let's relax some more.....ahhhhhh.
4. Spent enough money shopping today, but it was very relaxing. Well, not for my husband, but it was fun for me and Laurel.

I took Laurel to Riv today, and hung out with the 3 year olds. At first I was cautious, but the people were nice, so I loosened up and started helping out. Kids are so funny. Did I ever say I used to help teach the 4 and 5 year olds before I got married, I don't even remember how many years I did it. I think it's my favorite age.

Next week, I think I'll take Dar, but I have a feeling that it will take many weeks for her to get used to going. But next week I don't think I'm going shopping afterwards, I think that Josh would take away my debit card if I did. But Laurel and I had so much fun!

Don't worry, Laurel didn't spend too much today.

The homeless bum I'm not

I'm really not feeling like me today. I mean, I am me, but I'm just out of sorts or something. Not too thrilled with life today. And to top it off I feel sick, again.

When I told Josh I didn't feel good he blamed it on me not wanting to go to his Grandmothers birthday party. However that is severely not the case. It doesn't matter to me one way or another whether I go. So if I go, I go. If I don't, then I just don't.

I feel like running away today and I don't know what I would do once I got to the end of my driveway. Would I go towards Lansing or stick to backroads and hide from cars? And when I got there what would I do next? It's really too bad I'm not feeling well or I might seriously consider it.

And it's not nice enough outside for a long walk anyways. So today, I've decided to not become a bum and homeless. Unless I end up walking down to Florida or something, I guess I'm stuck being a mom for one more day.

I've always been hesitant on reading the psalms. I'm not into poetry, I just don't have the attention span for it. Shakespeare has a tendency to lose me, and Canterbury Tales bore me. Emily Dickinson, yeah, I just don't have enough words to describe how much I dislike her work. The psalms are just not my thing. I've been doing a chapter a day, and it is still hard for me to focus. I keep wondering what it was like when they wrote the psalm, all the background, if they were dying inside, or so joyful they were bouncing off the Egyptian bench and could barely get the words on paper.

I got through Becoming Real, by Steven James, and actually overall the book is pretty good, it brings up a lot of good points, whether I disagree or not. I also got Blue like Jazz (Donald Miller) and read it in a day, and let my brother borrow it. Josh wants to read it when Jeff is done, OH! I forgot! Josh did really well on his pre-testing for his licensing, he even got a 100% on one, and the other ones weren't shabby either. I think he suitably impressed his boss, but then again, his boss is blown away by all of Josh's skills that he's picked up throughout the years. It's been a really beneficial relationship for both Josh and his boss.

Yeah, back to Blue like Jazz, not too bad, but I really didn't get too much out of it. Again, a lot of good points, but I think that it just doesn't apply to my life right now. I know I have to read it again. Now Jeff brought home a book called Chance. It's suppose to be about the percentages of things, like if you got 23 people in one room there is a over a 50% chance that 2 people in the room have the same birthday. I'll have to read through it.

Well I guess enough of the book report.