Surrender part 2

I like the article at relevant magazine today. It seems to summarize (in better words) what I felt a few weeks ago or so.

The Cass-anator

I already know what I'm going to do today, besides my usual dishes and things. I got a couple of song ideas late last night, and got up to write them down. I've been pretty good at this lately, instead of trusting that I remember them in the morning. Course lately I've been remembering that I usually don't remember the songs in the morning and so I drag myself out of bed, like my mind is going to let me sleep anyways.

Its one of those nights I wished I lived alone, so I can start playing the piano or whatever, at 2am. Yeah I'm pretty sure the rest of my family would not appreciate genius in the working, and I'd be publicly flogged... Ah well.... The things you do for love....and your backside.

Cassie reverted back to sleeping in the living room, instead of her crib, it makes mornings interesting. So everyone that gets up at 6 here, ends up waking up Cass, there just isn't any way around it. So we've had quite a few early morning and late nights. I'm surprised we aren't hallucinating or anything from lack of sleep. And yet, Cassie isn't much of a baby anymore, she's stumbling around like a drunken sailor, and more words are popping out. As well as teeth. She's getting way too big. Josh was just saying this morning that he wouldn't have a baby to cuddle anymore and that he would miss it. We are pretty sure that all we are going to have are our 3 girls. It's more than enough.

Today

It is gorgeous outside!!! The girls and I have been out several times already. And I couldn't get into blogger this morning, besides sending a picture, which Laurel is cute and all. But it feels like cheating.

So I gave my two cents today. I'm going back outside to have fun while the weather lasts.

There is my girl, we hid easter eggs on Saturday. Dar and Laurel had a blast finding them all over the backyard.  

Sicko

That's me today. Last night I got a huge headache and well....I was just sick. Today wasn't too much better so the best husband in the world stayed home today with the kids so I could get some extra sleep and feel better.

I've got to say something for honesty. I got a response back from my sister in law, about how she never knew how I felt. Isn't it funny how things are? Even when I fight, scream and have a lot of animosity, I shake my head in wonder. So many people could bite back. But they don't. I know how scared I was to disagree and just be myself, and be honest. I've spent my whole life with half-truths and trying to make myself look good. And now, I'm just letting go. Let my personality speak for me.

Inside, I'm still the scared little kid I was ten years ago, only with extra baggage. Reminds me of the conversation in Good Will Hunting...

WILL
Look, don't try to pass yourself off as some kind of an intellect at the expense of my friend just to impress these girls. The sad thing is, in about 50 years you might start doin' some thinkin' on your own and by then you'll realize there are only two certainties in life.
CLARK
Yeah? What're those?
WILL
One, don't do that. Two-- you dropped a hundred and fifty grand on an education you coulda' picked up for a dollar fifty in late charges at the Public Library.

How honest is that? You try to be "smart" and make yourself look good, no matter what, and it accomplishes nothing. Until you get down the road and realize how stupid you were. That's what I don't like about people. You live your life and get to 50 and wonder why on earth did I do that, I wasted my life on useless things. And surprise, mid-life crisis.

What if we looked ahead for once and actually learned that ahead of our time. We wouldn't waste our lives, we could be happy of all our decisions in life. And remember what we said was the right thing, honest and wise. How's that for a kicker? Learn from people older than you? Swallow your pride, get good and dirty, and suddenly become honest and truthful? Craziness!

Hebrews 12:1

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

You know after I wrote about my in-laws, just got it all out, I realized I wasn't angry anymore. It felt like the best freedom you could ever have. I hate to write about the pitfalls in my life, but I find that it makes me more real. I am more honest with myself. Of course, I prayed about it too, that may have had a little to do with it.

Craziness.

I know sometime my inlaws are going to read this and think the worst of me. And you know what, that's okay. At least I am being honest instead of hiding behind the usual wall of terror of what everyone thinks of me. Being that I will have to live the rest of my life knowing them, it is important to get along with them. For my kid's sake. If they weren't born, neither would my husband be, or my kids.

I guess God has to have something to test me with. I think I would rather have an obsession with dounts or something.

Happy Easter

Okay, so Easter wasn't so bad. I don't even know what to say. We showed off the car we just got. And it was pretty nice out so we let the girls play while we talked outside, of course all the elder people went back inside, and us young durable people withstood the gorgeous day. I talked a little to my sister in law, and actually had a human adult conversation. Maybe college has done some good in her. Time will tell.

However the tone of the whole day was positive, again. God just loves us that much. Even when I get angry and think the worst of Josh's parents, God still surprises me. I certainly don't hate my in-laws, but I find that I don't respect them either. I think since we lived with them and found out who they really are, it skews my perception of them. They do a lot of things I don't agree with, and quite plainly told us where our place was. Even if we have a problem, they don't want to be a part of anything we do, unless it has to do with the kids.

But I keep forgiving them. Even though they don't know what they do is wrong. Or that it hurts. I still forgive. 77 times 7 right?

Some days I wish I could lie and say that my life is picturesque, and don't really have a worry in the world. Most of the time, it feels like you're falling through life and you're wondering where the next plateau is. If there is a plateau. Have I ever hit a plateau???

I don't like being in such a roughshod mood. This is why I hate holidays.

This is good.

Our driveway stinks. In the winter we don't have a plow and that is a problem because we have a long driveway. The snow is pretty much gone, so now we have this big mud slide of a driveway. This year with my family living here, we have 4 vehicles parked in front. My van always stays off the cement, since I don't use it often enough. But since this week I've been running to the ER each day for re-checks on my abilities of being a mother, the driveway behind the van was getting pretty muddy. Everyone backs into this area and I ended up pulling forward into our yard the last time I got out and still barely managed not to get stuck.

So there is this 7 by 7 foot area of thick 4x4 off-roading mud, right behind my van. Jeff had a friend over and then went out to dinner, but she parked her van up on the cement where he usually does, so he had to park on the other side of my van. However, he really didn't know about the mud and drive right into the worse part possible, sinking his front wheels into the ground past his bumpers. He walks in the door and says,

"I am stuck in my own driveway."

After his friend leaves, Josh, Jeff and I attempt to get the car out, we try boards, we try jacks, we pushed, we pulled. I think we moved half an inch. So we called Josh's dad, who cried about liability and he knew where the tow chain was but it was too dark out to go get it. I was ready to scream you useless piece of crap, but I don't think it would have translated well. Figures that Josh's family couldn't help us in a time of need. Thanks a lot. I said a couple of instant apologetic prayers to God right there because of my attitude, and tried to get over my anger that they couldn't give us the time of day.

We worked on it for close to 2 hours, and it was getting pretty dark. I tried to sneak into my mothers room and she woke up. Dang. What are you doing, she asks. I'm getting a flashlight, I said, then she said the most brilliant thing of all....

Why don't you just call a tow truck?

I almost dropped the flashlight, I'm so stupid! Okay no, let me revise that, Josh, Jeff and I are so stupid! I casually walk outside and say, uh Jeff, why don't you call a tow truck, it's covered by your insurance.

It is? he says. Yup. Get me the number.

So we called around and got a tow service that would pull Jeff out of his own driveway. So we took pictures and Jeff talked with a friend of his who laughed like crazy.




The tow truck took a whole 15 minutes. We all walked in muddier than... well, anything.

This kind of stuff never used to happen to Jeff, I'm curious what is going to happen next to him. Maybe I'm not the only one that God is teaching a little humility to.....hmmmm.

Good Friday

Good Friday isn't actually very good. Oh well. Christian holidays..... Do you know that Christian holidays used to be on the first day of spring, summer.... you get it. And they moved them back or ahead to pagan holidays so they could take over the day and it was this big, spread Christianity campaign. Surprisingly enough, it worked pretty well. Now they are universal holidays. Pretty smart huh?

Except for the fact that most people don't realize the implications behind each holiday. It's make up your own traditions for the holidays. Let's be creative and not remember any traditions our parents had and their generations before them. I guess all this animosity stems from the fact that I hate holidays.

Yes, it's true. I do. I just can't understand for the life of me how holidays got so out of hand. Holidays make me bitter and feel so empty inside. You go to family gatherings you'd rather not be at, to make small conversation about things that no one cares about, and won't be remembered in the next minute. You eat a ton of food that isn't yours and if it is, you slave and play host to people you don't even like. It makes no sense. I'd rather stay home with my family and focus on my kids. Teach them what Easter is really about.

Last Christmas I started civil war. I told Josh's parents that we weren't coming to their Christmas party, his 19 year old sisters birthday and his grandparents party all in the same weekend. We would only come to one and that was that. It was too much and I wasn't going to do that to my kids. I think his parents hated me for a month. They might still be harboring it, they hold grudges for a long time.

So they said that I was trying to keep the kids from seeing them and that they hadn't seen them for a month. It was all pretty ridiculous. But if I hadn't put my foot down at Christmas, then Easter would have been all about a 2 hour Easter mass, Easter egg hunts, dinners and craziness that pops out from the seams. Instead, they found something else to chew about and that was surrounding their lives around Josh's 19 year old sister. They couldn't do a dinner because they were driving her back to college. Even if we couldn't do anything until dinner time, it wouldn't matter. Now understand me, the only reason this angers me so much is that they have been driving her back and forth to campus, and she has a car. We gave her a car. I can understand parking can be atrocious, we paid for it ourselves. She is just making lame excuses so she can lead her parents around by their noses and they just don't see it. It's one of those arguments that I hide in my heart so I don't break out and yell at them about her playing them for fools and I keep it in my heart so I won't let my kids do that. I learn by example and I've had a lot of bad examples to learn from. My mother always did things a certain way that I didn't like, not that parents are perfect, far from it, but now I refuse to do that to my kids.

I get so angry at them, and the only thing holding me back from yelling and screaming is that it's not worth it. I could scream until dawn and nothing would get accomplished. So I try to kill them with kindness. When they come around to a topic that makes me flare, I must get a look on my face each time because they shut up now, as soon as they see my face. They know they are treading on dangerous ground, and if they keep hitting the right buttons, I will tell them what I think. They really don't like my brutal honesty. I can't help but speak the truth. And they don't like it that I don't agree with them 100%. They disowned me the day I disagreed with them, and have been making my life hell since.

It's hard to say how weak I am at this. It hurts that they can't even fathom how much pain they have caused me and my family. And all I can do is sit back and let my kids visit with them and wonder what they are getting out of it as people. Are they learning the behaviors that they show? Are they going to be as selfish and condescending? And I hurt to think they call themselves Catholic and Jesus doesn't show through them. The room falls silent each time I've brought them up short by simply saying "That wasn't very Christian-like." They hate me for holding them accountable. They hate the transparency. They despise the fact when they know it is wrong and won't admit it, that I know it's wrong too. So they try at every corner to show how "stupid" I am to everyone else. And that's wrong. That's teaching my kids that it's okay to bash people, especially people you don't like and verbally drain them. That's not loving your enemies. That's not turning the other cheek. That's not showing love.

Pray for me. I am constantly praying for the right attitude and an open heart. And pray for them as well. That they see the light of God in me and my husband, and realize we are human too, and not only that but of their flesh and blood. That God would get ahold of them and change their lives. Pray that I will have the strength to do what is right, whether it is to keep my mouth shut, or to tell the truth and that I will know the right time and right words to use, that are kind and pleasing to God. I know for a fact that God is the only one that can get ahold of them, and that the only thing I can do is pray and then pray some more, and lead by example.

I am weak God. And only You can give me strength.

The blog thing

I'm starting to get used to blogging. I added a links section, and I love looking at different sites, like Shanna's look at the picture at the top of her site, it's just awesome. And since I refer to a couple of other sites, I guess I'll add them as I go. Who ever thought I could possibly do this??? I know I never thought I could!

Eventually I'll have to get some sound bytes up, I've been working on a couple of songs, and recording a few, although most of my stuff is in midi sounding format. I have a program that tries to imitate the sounds of instruments, and I can type in the notes, it helps a lot to have more than one instrument playing at one time.

One day at a time.

Homebodies

I am such a homebody. I like staying home and doing my own thing. Today we don't have anywhere to go and I am so relieved, I can sit around in my pj's and enjoy my day.

I like to get out too, I get a little weird if I don't (I think we all do). I guess my home is a security blanket for me. I know I can always return to an environment where no one judges me, they take me for who I am and not what I look like, (I look like a crazy scientist when I wake up, thank goodness looking good in the morning isn't a requirement for my marriage!) So I am safe. It's no wonder I never want to leave my home, I have everything at my fingertips. I could even buy my groceries online and have them delivered if I want.

Except for friendships. They are all outside of my home. Although it would be nice to "order" people online to stop by so I don't have to go out.

I'm such an extremist sometimes.

Anyways like I said, I'd go crazy if I didn't get out once a week. I have to strike a balance in my life. I'm 85% alone time (or with kids...That's fine.) 15% Everyone else time. I don't have to have groups of people surrounding me all the time, in fact I get rather claustrophobic if I do and I prefer to have time to process what is going on in my life to keep a level head about everything.

And I know I'm not the only one that does this.

Bar

Since my last 2 posts have been Dar then Car, I decided today could be Bar, except I really don't have any good bar stories, they are pretty lame actually. Well, except the night Josh and I were up in Traverse City and we had a won a trip to stay at the Trillium. Which is this huge classy hotel with a gorgeous upstairs dining area, and it's all windows so you can see Traverse, way too expensive for my taste, but it was all paid for by the company. Anyways, I am not the classiest person in the world, I have my moments, but we had our dinner and decided to have a drink afterwards. I was pregnant at the time (and pretty far along too, so people looked at me funny, like they never seen a pregnant woman) and so I looked on the menu for something safe, (non-achoholic) and decided on a hot chocolate with a touch of mint. Innocent right? Wrong. They bring Josh his wine, and even in my drink, and they managed to put straight Creme de Menthe in it, and I took one sip and knew what they did. Of course, our waiter understood what had happened, but it was one of those fall off the face of the earth kind of moments. You feel so ridiculous for being so stupid. It was the kind of restaurant where they didn't have the prices on the menu, basically if you had to look at the prices, you shouldn't have been there in the first place.

I can't believe it's Wednesday. I'm still stuck on it being Monday, I guess my week stopped on Monday, when I took Dar in, and I haven't been able to get through it. We had a re-check yesterday, and today should be the last day in ER. She's healing really well.

My week is all screwed up. I'm tired, it's hard to take care of a 2 year with bandaids. She keeps ripping them off so I have to pull out the ointment they gave me at the hospital, new bandages and set it all up before I fight Dar over there and put it all together. It takes a lot out of you, imagine exercising 24/7, yeah, it feels like that.

Laurel hasn't been any help either, she's started this whining phase, so I have to work with her on that, and unfortunately Cassie started to skip her naps in the day, so she gets really grumpy. It's been one of those weeks.

Although, it has been an overall blessing, because I can put them all down for bed at 8 and they have been sleeping through the night! Ahhhh! Relief. Since none of the kids have been getting up at night, Josh has been getting his sleep, (he usually gets up to get them, I have a hard time falling asleep) and we are all in a happier mood.

I just have to keep reminding myself it is Wednesday and I'm all set.

Car

Of all the craziness, and wading through the weird stuff of my life, our car finally died on us yesterday, after trying to hurtle Josh off the road. We knew what kind of car we wanted, so we got a new car last night. We get it on Wednesday. Josh had already figured out our budget, (which I already knew, since I manage it) and he found our influx money I like to keep for the just in cases. He laughed when I told him that it wasn't that we couldn't afford it, we could, I just didn't want to afford it.

I can't believe we found a car that fits all of us, and I mean all of us as in me, Josh, and our three carseat babies. If you're in the market for a car, it is really rare to find one that fits 3 carseats. We went to the dealership that Josh worked at earlier this year, they gave us a really good deal. They already know that we'll be repeat customers, we like to support our local businesses. I guess most people don't even think like that. Let me know when you find some.

Dar

My poor Dar. I was cooking lunch and she pulled up a chair to watch. Cass must of been bugging her, and she leaned right onto the stovetop and burned her hand. It was bad enough, I had to take her to ER and that's where I have been for the last half of my day. She'll be alright, but it's not very fun waiting for hours for the ER to open up and take only 15 minutes to address her needs. What is this world coming to? There was a little boy waiting as well who had broken his arm, and they made him wait as well! He was 2 years old! Like they understand why they are hurting and why mom or dad can't do anything but try to soothe them. I felt so bad, usually I'm not pushy or anything, but when even I have to speak up you know it's got to be bad.

I find that it is sad that we make people wait when they come crawling in for help. I am not one of those mothers who worries about every little thing that happens to their kid and drags them to ER for every mosquito bite. So when I ask for help, I REALLY need it. Desperately. Because I just don't know what to do. I even called my nurse practitioner to see if I even needed to go in for this. I would rather rely on my own knowledge and books, than asking for help on things I know I can do. You strike a balance, you know?

Anyways, it's one of those really ridiculous things that happens in life.

I don't think I could ever write a book. I am not consistent enough to keep it together. It really takes a lot for me to stay focused on one idea. I would probably have to categorize everything until one title so I could come back to the topic and write a little more. Scatterbrained.

I couldn't make a movie either. I wouldn't know what to say, and it would come out stupid and lame. I once made a movie for Spanish class and wrote the script. Not that we knew that much Spanish, and I was really good at figuring out how to use words, I just couldn't for the life of me put my words into an easy and interesting script. So we stood there, said our como estas, and it was very lame. We got a B. I guess that's something. I'm surprised that the teacher kept doing the project, considering there is only so many ways to say Soy excelente!

So here I am, talentless.

Okay, it's not the truth. I've got hidden talents. Yeah, that's it. Kinda like hidden mickeys at Disney world. You look all over the theme parks and try to find hidden mickeys that the cast has hidden in paintings, tree structures, cement, anywhere. My brother wants to work at Disney World. I don't think he will ever leave home. Well, unless he gets married, then he might, but I didn't, why should he? I'm kidding, we want to buy the house, my husband loves the property out here, and its a great location for us. Not too far from everything, but far enough to warm up your car.

See how I did that? So inconsistent! In one paragraph I managed to talk about talents, Disney world, my brother and his married life, buying the house AND warming up your car. That is one well structured fully rounded paragraph, I might as well have thrown in a couple of proverbs and a couple of gross sock stories to top it off.

There we go, my talent is inconsistency.

No, not physically.

I think I like getting hit once in a while. Not physically. It knocks me back into being a real person. Usually it's words or attitudes that the other person doesn't even know it effects you. Sometimes they know. It keeps me healthy, and hey, I get to cry once in a while, and humbly realize I'm still human too.

Most things don't bother me, so when I actually get hit with something, usually I am wrong. That's really hard to admit most days, okay, every stinking day of my life. And don't get me wrong, sometimes the other person is wrong too, and while I want to be angry and tell them off, I know there has got to be a better way. Usually there is, whether I take it or not is the killer.

Last night, Josh told me some personal things in his life, that he never told anyone. And I cried. He wasn't proud or happy, he wished that it could be easier and that he could have told me earlier. And yesterday, boy was I getting hit. A friend of mine, said something offhand, that I doubt he realized the implications. God is really trying to teach me something. A little humility, I think.

Until recently I was never very compassionate towards other people. I figured that my problems were much more real than what they thought were such a big deal. I was one big robot, no feelings, no emotions, rather tool around in my little world and not give a crap of what the other robots were doing.

And then I realized something. In fact, I just realized it last night. When I really like certain people, I pull away, like I don't want to get hurt before they really get to know me. What if they realize they really don't like me? So I steer my focus to people I don't like, if they say something, it's not like it offends me because I really don't care about their opinion. I don't even give the other person a chance before I meet them. Makes a lot of sense huh? Yeah, insert laughter here. Seriously, I almost refuse to meet people I like, just the fear of rejecting me, I just don't speak, because if I say something they don't like....... I don't make eye contact, I don't want them to think I'm hitting on them or anything..... (girl or guy) I am so stupidly afraid that someone will actually like me for who I am, that I go the wrong way around it and never end up meeting people. I get these half relationships that have no meaning, because I can't give myself up. I just don't know what to say. Wham! Another hit on my soul. One more thing to chalk up on my prayer list. Lucky me.

Surrender

You know, I am pretty inspired by the song Surrender, by Barlowgirls. Not only that but it starts out with a cello solo, what could be better??? And like I said before, I really don't usually like girl bands, but these words touched my heart and life.

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen.
So many years I’ve shaped each one
Reflecting my heart, showing who I am.
Now you’re asking me to show
What I’m holding Oh so tightly.
Can’t open my hand; can’t let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can’t you let me go?

Chorus
Surrender, surrender
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t you see
My dreams are me, My dreams are me

Say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life.
Told me the world has yet to see
What you can do with one
That’s committed to your call.
I know of course what I should do
That I can’t hold these dreams forever.
But if I give them now to you
Will you take them
Away forever?
Or can I dream again?

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, obviously since they wrote a song about it. I have doubted so many times in my life whether I would accomplish my dreams. What can I say, I am a horrible daydreamer. To be honest, I still doubt, as much as I fight it, and want to believe that I can totally surrender and leave them in His hands. And not ever look back and think about taking them back. I'm not sure if I could.

Death

You know I was thinking about a couple of posts ago about Darkness on earth, learning experience? I am reading a book called Becoming Real, by Steven James, (don't ask me if it's good, I'm not done reading it yet) it was talking about death in general, how Americans view death (or don't view death.... at all) and he spoke on Psalms. It really made me think. (italics mine)

"We don't walk through the valley of death but the valley of the shadow of death. It's only a shadow. We walk through the valley of life, but every step of the way, deaths shadow looms closer."

I know it seems morbid, but I also think that if we don't face death, which is what he says in his book, then we are fooling ourselves. It took me 10 years to face the fact that death doesn't control my life. But I also learned that death happens anytime, any day, I think I almost embrace it. So if I seem non-chalant about death, I don't mean to. I really believe that God knows what He's doing, and it's that persons time to go and join Him. Doesn't make it easier. Just the bold truth. I may cry for them, but I'm happy too, especially a Christian who passes on. I guess you could say I am jealous they get to go first, God just isn't done with me yet on this earth. My mom wants a party at her funeral. My sister may not be too thrilled if I throw one for mom and act like it's an Awakening but I think I just might.

Anyways, the author goes on to say to live today, not planning to live sometime, not planning to die eventually, but to live today and now. It was a good chapter. The first chapter was good too. It was about humility and pride, I found quite a few things that I really didn't like about myself. Yeah, we won't talk about my pride or lack of humility. Not today. Can't say that it was a really "good" chapter, but it was very healthy nonetheless. Maybe I'll turn out okay after all.

I made it.

I'm not exactly sure how, but I walked into the office, and no one was there. Relief. So I got to the desk, and they were so excited to see Laurel in an Oscar hat, we talked about that and Kohl's for a while. God is way too good to me. I go complaining and fighting and he still ends up blessing me. How is this possible? I even paid the horrible social worker a compliment, whoa, 180.

Maybe I am a little more bi-polar than I thought.

Poor people of America

Its funny to hear Dar singing actual words to Winnie the Pooh. They are audible, but I doubt anyone else but me can understand her.

Today is the poor ritual. Although we aren't as poor as we used to be, I have to walk into the WIC office to get tortured, nasty looks from the staff, (minus one, I think she's actually there for the greater good) and admitting that you are in need of help. How humbling. More like fight and scream, all the while trying to keep all three kids contained in one little room, without stepping on other peoples toes as well. And it's snowing! Okay, time for a little attitude adjustment, I am grateful for these services, my kids love to meet other people and their kids, and I get to show off handling 3 kids that usually behave. They sing, they dance, they usually make the other kids laugh, which is a huge load off the other parents shoulders. Yeah, okay, maybe I can go into this with the right heart. And maybe I can show my archenemy of a social worker what God is all about.

I got to go. My daughters just drew on the front window with cheese.

Darkness on earth, learning experience?

You know I was thinking about it. Maybe God didn't screw up after all with Adam, Eve and sin. I thought we were just a big mistake. But maybe, just maybe we aren't. I was reading an article on relevantmagazine.com, it was about lent, and the author, Kimberlee Conway Ireton, was talking about the dark ages of our lives. I'm going to take this one step further. What if our lives here is one big dark existance, God put us on this earth, so we can learn, feel, and accept things for what they are. We grow. We become stronger people, then when we see Him, not only are we pure in existance, but we have lived through our sins and become real examples of what can be accomplished in a sinful life. Is this what God intended when He designed the garden? He had to know that there was going to be the fall of man, or did He? Either way, it's odd to think that maybe our existances matter, even after life, because no matter what we do, it's to benefit His kingdom, who knows what we are going to see when we get there. There is suppose to be a new earth, a new Jerusalem. Will we have such a happy existance? It's crazy, uncomprehendable, really. All we know is what exists in front of us.

Stream of consciousness.

Well no one has really talked about Open mic night, so I'll take a stab in the dark. Most of this I wrote last night, just to get out of my head so I could sleep, it's pretty much stream of consciousness, it gets less rational (sentence structure is more thought like) until I actually play.

Open Mic Night. So much fun. Coffee, music, people our own age. Just awesome. When I found out about it, I knew I wanted to go. But I kept myself back, saying, why would I want to go to a place with people I don't know and 2 hours of music, and hey! that sounds like fun! Talk about bi-polar. So I decided I'd go to drink a cup of coffee and enjoy it. We kept failing to find a baby-sitter, so I wasn't sure if I'd have to trek it alone, or if Josh was coming. Luckily my mom said yes. Great! We're going! Enjoy some coffee, it'll be great. Got to thinking, what if I kill two birds with one stone, socialize and perform. Yeah...thought some more....whoa, not so great an idea. Scrambled around looking for lost music, sonata in G, too classical, Rudolph the Red nosed reindeer, threw that away. Looked online. Nope. Nothing. Let's get creative.
Wrote a song. Wrote an extended version, practiced like crazy, wasn't coming across right. Threw it to the side. Started on one previously made. Nope, no good. Grabbed my glass of Gatorade and began to think, maybe if I recorded and fooled around, I might find something. Set up the mic, Laurel loved to hear her own voice, let her go. Thought of a couple ideas, didn't even make it to paper. I recorded sketchy versions.
Yesterday, I prayed if mom came home early enough for me to sign-up at 7, I'd take my cello. Unfortunately, she prayed if there was any way to use my God given talent, that God would push me out of the house with it. She came home early. I was going with cello in hand. I showed mom my piece. Hated it, then listened to the rest and loved it. It grows on you. Said I want to hear more. Okay. Started extending it, looking for ways to lengthen. Got it.
Went. Saw. Was very much afraid. Debated on walking out, nope, not an option. I was here. I was going to play if it killed me. Got used to the place, downed a great cup of Venetian mocha (expresso, chocolate, caramel, and cream). Yeah, I can do this. I felt like pawn pieces in a game of chess, each person knew where they wanted to move, now how was I going to get there?
And I did play. How? Don't remember. So nervous my mind blocked my every thought. It was like I was this great machine and I knew what I had to do. There was no going back, no packing up. I was going to do it. People wanted more. No comprehension of agony of getting there, maybe next time. Wished I had more and better stuff. I will, next time, I learned a lot from this. There is no recorded history of a cello soloist who does any other music other than classical and Christmas, maybe jazz. Any other style, never though of, or even remotely touched. Talk about a challenge, it is no wonder there aren't more solo cellists. I've got a lot of work to do to educate this world. There is more to this world than a classical cellist.

There were a lot more people involved, than just me in this. Throughout the night, Josh was getting me more nervous really, and Dan was very encouraging. My mom, of course prayed for me, and we met this really neat couple who just got married. They are really awesome. I'm excited, I certainly know I am not the best, but I have a lot to offer. And who knows, maybe I'll get out of this shy phase once and for all. At least I took that first step.

I have great respect for performers

Standing up to a crowd? Yeah, laughable. I'm sure I would faint. Okay, not really. But the fear is there and it's real. I would never make it as a comedian or a singer. My voice would crack at every open opportunity. Well, maybe a comedian just because they would laugh at the natural cracking of my voice, but that's not much of a routine. And I'm not that funny. Really, getting me there to be in front of a crowd is the hardest part. I guess it depends on the crowd and how much I wanted to impress or have them like me. It's actually pretty ridiculous, considering how many times I've been in the spotlight. And I still get butterflies. You would think it would get easier. My mother and I were talking this morning about how everyone has insecurities in their life, no matter who you are. Mine just happen to be opening up to other people and I wait for their rejections. And it's not like most the time people really care, why would I think they would decided to mock me then? Suddenly their consciousness wakes up and they mob me on stage? Yeah, only a politician or obscenely opinionated jerk would fall into that category. Maybe the President. Hmm, too bad I don't have bodyguards.

Freedom?

Where is my freedom of a shorter blog? I didn't realize how long it was until I looked at it in regular form. Ah well.

Freedom

Something just happened a few seconds that made me laugh. The ritual hand me downs day. My oldest daughter likes hats. So when we found one in the store that she would love, we picked it up. She happened to be behaving so I handed her the brand new hat. She, in turn, looked for her old hat, that Dar had been wanting to get her hands on, and gave it to her. Dar ran and found her own hat and handed it to Cassie, who happily gurgled and put the hat on her head, inside out, because she had no clue what was happening. Laurel and Dar, proud as a peacocks, have been running around the house in their new hats, having a blast.

It takes so little to thrill my girls. Josh, as he was leaving, looks into the window that is just outside the front door. So Dar runs up to the window, and climbs up the furniture sitting there to say her goodbyes. Josh opens up the window and gives her one last quick kiss, and shuts it again. Laurel looks at the window and says, "agh!(in anguish) Kiss! I want kiss, Daddy!" Lucky for her, Josh forgot something and came back in, so she got her kiss.

They are so funny. I thought, being it a Monday, my day would be hard and frustrating. It is really hard to get out of the Monday blues, even when you don't work that 9-5 job. I work, but my work never ends, so why should Monday be any different?

So for the last few weeks, I've been trying to get out the Monday "routine." Mondays for me, mean that everyone is out of the house, minus my brother who sleeps in until noon. So I get to play, feed and have fun with my kids, for the whole day. Isn't that a great Monday? We get to do what we want, be it play in the tub, color, make artwork, you name it, in almost any part of the house, with not a concept of time, until it is 5 pm. We can watch movies, (even girly ones, since I have all girls!!!) play games, sing as loud as we want, wear what we want....don't you wish our lives are as free on a normal basis? I do.

Why can't our lives be so free? Why do we have such rules on ourselves? Behave a certain way, talk a certain way. Is this what God really intended for us, or were we really suppose to all live in the garden of Eden? I mean come on, people won't know how unique you are, unless you let go and be free. And maybe that is what salvation is about, freeing yourself. That's not to say that you should go jump off a cliff because you want freedom, what are you going to do when you hit bottom? Oops, maybe I should have thought through this some more?

No, the freedom to act and say things how they should be said, and not restricted to the normal daily stuff of visiting McDonalds and getting a happy meal when your 40. Your life shouldn't be so off-limits. Sharing your triumphs and your falls, shouldn't have to be a safe environment thing. But how many of us are really free? So you share those things with other free beings, and safe-guard everything else so it won't be used against you. What a precarious way to live.

I'm in a transitioning point in my life. My best friend is having the time of her life, in South Carolina. My husband is on the verge of a major Christ movement. My kids change everyday. My mom is traveling a lot more than before, with her close friend, and visiting my sister, who is far away as well. And here I am, sitting in a room writing about life in general, where life passes so slowly. I will never see it go that slow again until I'm 90 and can't move anymore. And you know, I think I might just be the most free person of the bunch. I get to take care of my kids, my husband is gracious enough to work harder so we have this chance. I get to see my husband finding what he wants to do with his life and enjoy it immensely. I watch my mother come back from her trips, ecstatic that she found yet another shop full of scarves she bought to match every outfit she owns or has ever owned. My brother is exploring what he wants to do with his life, and he is about as free as they come, if he doesn't want to do it, he won't. No way around it. And yet, in a few years, I will be the one running around with the girls in school, and figuring out, wow, what am I going to do? I guess I'll take a look at life and say simply, I want to be free, and I want to achieve to my full potential before God takes me. And when He takes me, I want Him to be proud of who I was, because right at this moment, I don't care that there is some crown waiting for me. I don't care if the streets are lined in gold, they could be lined in putrid green for all I care. I am simply happy that God has put me here, so I can be who I am, and discover what I can be. I was there when Josh decided to become baptized. And I'll be there when God needs me to be there. I'll surrender my life and dreams, so I can accomplish what God wants. I'm willing.

Are you?

I am so happy today. Yesterday, Josh and I were coming home from church and while we were at church I noticed that he had filled out the card at the back of our bulletin. He said he checks it every week just to see if he wants to check any boxes at the bottom, and this week he felt lead to.

Well, on the way home, he said, "You want to know what I filled out on the bulletin?" "Sure."I said. He told me that he decided to check the box that he wanted a pastor to get a hold of him, because he wants to get baptized. He said for some obscure reason since we had been talking about it recently, he decided it was the right timing. How many people have been praying over him, in hoping that this would happen. Let me tell you, it was a lot of people.

I am so excited for him. Crazy enough, I keep thinking about the man who found his son parable, (prodigal son???) Rejoice with me! And he was so happy, he was bursting from the seams. Yes, definitely how I feel.

Catholic soapbox

People are crazy. Have you see www.thebricktestaments.com? It's a website with many of the stories of the bible in lego figurines! It even has ratings which I found pretty hilarious. Crazy stuff.

For the last couple of weeks, I've been getting up earlier than my usual time. So I'm up with the kids while Josh sleeps in a little bit before work. Yesterday I was up at 5, today 7. And you wonder why I go to bed rather early??? Otherwise I just wouldn't make it through my exhausting days with the kids.

I've been looking and responding to a person on the Riverview boards, about baptism and Catholism. I think everyone here knows about my husband as a former Catholic, and I made a study of it before we got married. There are quite a few very touchy issues with Catholics. This doesn't pertain to all Catholics, but most....

1. Don't say "saved" to them, they have a negative connotation of it, because at least once in their life, some Baptist or evangelist came up to them and asked them that fateful question, Are you saved?
2. Baptism at birth is still baptism to them, although it isn't their choice. Most protestants, (minus the hierarchical faiths, Lutheran etc.) view these baptisms as "dedications" of the baby to the church.
3. Catholism vs. Christianity. Most Catholics consider themselves Christians, when there are two different meanings to this word. 1. Christian itself means to believe in Christ. 2. Christian to a protestant is about having Christ as your personal savior. Two totally different things, and Catholics are oblivious to it, because they won't discuss being saved! The English language is full of these ridiculous idiocities, with one word having several meanings. The same thing happens when protestants say saved. Catholics say they are saved because they believe Christ is their savior. No wonder we are screwed up. I wonder if other languages have this same problem.
4. Questioning their faith and how Mary and the saints come into play. They usually look at you like you are stupid, and most protestants blow this out of proportion. The saints and Mary are merely ways to pray without directly bothering God (not meant to be offensive). You ask Saint Christopher to help you with your travels, because he is the saint of lost travelers. I stand corrected, (joshology) you are asking the saints to intercede on your behalf to God. Because God blessed them with powers, (2 miracles equal sainthood in Catholism) they are asked to intercede to God, it's like a more help with prayer kind of thing.

Isn't it funny how different the "Christian" (ones who believe in Christ) faiths are? I wonder somedays why I ever got mixed up in this. They weren't kidding that the divorce rates were skyrocketing because of mix-faith marriages. Lucky for our marriage, we more depend on each other to get through our faiths rather than at each other's throats.

Although we did start to fight about it this morning......then said this is ridiculous, we already realize the differences between faiths, putting in on paper is not a fighting matter.

How do you get around these blind attacks that separate our faiths? We all believe in one God, and we all worship the same God. Why is it so hard to accept others with different faiths? Because our standing point of our beliefs are a strong indication of who you are? Is it really a stereotype? I think it is. Oh, you're Catholic. Oh, you're non-denomational, you can't even decide what "type" of faith you are. Really people! Grow up! I don't care. Same God. God doesn't look down at us and separates the Catholics from the Lutherans and determines that one is good and the other is better. At least we believe there is an omnipotent being! The athetists have a stronger foothold because their "faith" (meaning no faith, just fate) has no divisions. They don't fight about not having a God. So why should we fight about having one?

I just started reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller and I like what he says about humans in general. Parenthesis mine.

"We have to be taught to be good (as children). It doesn't come completely natural. In my mind, that's a flaw in the human condition."

Maybe that's something to take into consideration when we talk about one ultimate faith. It isn't possible. God's goal in revelations is everyone believing in God in one moment. It just doesn't matter what "religion" you are, as long as you believe in Christ and His word. That's all we got.

Intimacy? From Mel's Point of view.

You know I get most of my thoughts for these blogs just from normal life, but before I start to write I look at a couple of websites, email and so on. Today I happen to be reading Dan's site, and since you can't leave a post for some obscure reason, I decided, what the heck, make a topic of it.

He was reading Christianity today and you can read for yourself what he said, here.

I don't think that is entirely accurate. I think people are going to express their Christianity in every way they possibly can. Some people are super outgoing, and are going to express it that way, for an example, as bubbly and always thinking of how God is working for them and telling others of what they noticed. The more reserved one are taking it like a private session to talk with God and maybe share the more interesting parts.

It is true that people who think they are "spiritual" are usually the ones that end up giving up on God, but take a look at the bottom of the page on Noels site called Legalism, everyone has to figure out how their Christianity works out.

Being intimate with God, no, its not a mystical thing, its the interworkings of how you got through life and that God has been there for you. It's more the relationship effects, prayer, and how you live your life, which is what I think Eugene Peterson was getting at in a extremely opinionated but different way.

I know certainly in my relationship with God, I don't get the "warm fuzzies" whenever I talk to him, but I become humbled when I do go to Him in serious prayer. The rest of my prayer is pretty sporadic. Quite honestly, in Mr. Petterson's article, is it really the right way to approach people by lying to them about faith? And about modern churches, most people aren't going to understand and believe by putting on a robe, that this humbles you for communion. I think it's a mindset. And unfortunately, a very poor example of Christian living. I can understand his way of thinking that modern churches are fluff, but no matter what church you are in, (which is what he was getting at somewhat, he was contradictory) you can praise God wholeheartedly. Most people would prefer an environment they are comfortable in, to praise God.

Luckily we can make these decisions in our life, as to how to be with God. Sure, intimacy isn't some superficial, lets boast to others what my "faith" does for me, kind of thing.

It's more a side note, a benefit from seeking God and His wisdom.

And quite frankly, because you lean on Him, the rest of your life makes sense as well. Maybe we shouldn't be so focused on this idea of intimacy, let it come naturally, and I think you'll find the longer you believe in God, the more the blessing of it will come. But hey, what do I know?

Talking sessions

Yesterday, I felt successful. I got a lot accomplished, and even Josh noticed that everything was clean and sparkling. Usually there are toys spattered everywhere, the dishes in a pile, (even if I had done several loads throughout the day) and whatever artwork Laurel has concocted is strewn all over grandma's bedroom floor. Yesterday, I was able to set Laurel up with the microphone on the computer and she must of talked for a good 2 hours. I think she likes the sound of her voice, and she never tires of it.

So I got a ton done, that means this morning will be a breeze. Because everything is fresh and nothing needs to be done immediately. Sip on my cup of tea and enjoy the sunrise. Okay I don't drink tea, or coffee...sip on my jug of Gatorade and.....

Yeah anyways, last night Josh and I got a talking session in. We talked until midnight (that's late for us, I usually go to bed at 9 or 10) and it wasn't our usual banter. Every once in a while it's nice to have adult conversation, without mention of the kids. Actually it's very nice. Sometimes you wonder if the kids are all you have in common, my husband and I are two totally different people. Black and white. He talks your ear off, I listen. He does everything right and ridged, I taught him how to be somewhat spontaneous. He relies on knowledge to get him through situations, I toss it to the wind. He BS's really well, I can't make up things to say to save my life.

So these talking sessions are really helpful. We get all of our opposite ways and refine them down, so we aren't offending each other. One of my sore spots are his parents and how they put their daughter on a pedestal. So he knows to avoid that, unless he really wants to fight. He can't stand the kids when they don't want to go to bed and scream out in defiance and end up waking another sister. Not that it doesn't annoy me, but it just sets him on edge. We all have quirky little things in our lives and marriages.

Lucky for us, our main structure in our marriage is communication. What is really cool is talking about the people and things we pray for each day, and how it affects our lives. Josh is starting to really get into this praying craze. And God has been listening, not that I doubted that. But it's been really neat to see God working in his life. Josh is a pretty earnest person, I think God takes him much more seriously than any prayer I could have ever had. Maybe there is this male bonding thing going on, I don't know, I tend to think of God more male anyways. Not that it really matters, just if you haven't noticed, guys think differently than girls. There are always exceptions to the rule, but for the most part. I haven't met a guy as crazy as me yet, and I doubt there is someone who is so morally upstanding as my husband that is a woman. Besides would I really want a male me? Yeah, thank goodness God gave me what I have, so I can enjoy those opposing qualities that I don't find in myself.

You know I was reading the last proverb, from Noels site, proverb 31, and he said something that I disagreed with. I don't think that the picture depicted of the woman is too high. I've seen it in action. Remember I told you about the woman that I used to work for, who was a pastor's wife? She was a spitting image of this woman. Strict, got everything done, and was wise beyond belief. I can see a lot of qualities even in myself that I've always liked, I think it gives us hope. If you try to be wise, you will be able to do so much more, because you are capable. Course there is a catch, you have to seek wisdom. But look at all she can do! God will give you all time in the world to accomplish anything, if you are a God fearing, wisdom seeking person. Kinda awesome, don't you think?

The wallflowers

I looked at my blog today and thought, what the heck am I going to write???

My husband is so nice to me. He's running to get milk before work, so I don't have to take all three kids out. Yesterday the girls were monsters. When one wasn't picking on the other, Cassie was just sobbing, she just got a tooth popping through, and a second one is coming. Ouch! With extra cuddle time for Cass, and forcibly separating the two older ones, I just might have an ear left to hear from.

It was one of those days you thought, why did I sign up for this again?

So far today, they are being great. I would have to say there are more good days than bad. My heart just leaps with joy whenever Cassie laughs, and Dar, what a charmer. Laurel is making up sentences, they are starting to get really clear. She loves to make jokes.

Wow. I've got a great family.

I have a confession to make. When I was in high school, Noel was the youth pastor at our church. Whenever he had the chance, he bugged me about going to a youth group event. Come on Wednesday, he'd say, I'd think you'd like it, he'd say in Noeleze. You know I think he does have his own language. Anyways, I went one time to a volleyball game, nothing special, and hung out with my brother and all his friends. I was sorely misplaced. I was apart of something and yet, all alone. So I never went to another youth group event again. I figured I could get that lonely feeling anywhere. My heart just cries out when I see someone who is off to the side and not apart of the "group." I once met a girl in high school, who was just standing all by herself outside. Being seniors, we were using sidewalk chalk on the front walk to count down the days until freedom. I walked over to her and asked her to join us. She had a blast. She was a freshman I think, and didn't know where to get involved. I'm not sure if she realized there were people like us in the school, and she kept coming until I saw her walking with her own group of friends one day. It was really cool.

So I'm a big sucker for castoffs. Wallflowers. Latebloomers. People who just haven't made it in this world, I'm not sure if I made it yet. I'm the silly one that talks to outcasts and my husband is a definite outcast. He usually knows the right thing to do. He talks your ear off, and always has something to say about nothing. He has great knowledge of nothing. I think he might have a masters degree in it. My poor kids are going to be so embarrassed by my husband when they get older. He has a lot of qualities that I'd like them to learn from him.

I really encourage any leaders to take notice of those who aren't quite part of the pack. Usually they are your people who are trying desperately to make it, and have a lot going in their lives. And they just don't know what to do. The best part is seeing them grow and live through their lives, they are the strong people, who can cope through anything once they get that boost. Now here is my confession. Although I didn't go to another youth group event, just knowing that Noel kept on my back about getting involved, I realized there is something missing in my life. Friends, and real relationships. They are much more important than diamonds, funny enough I think that the bible says that. Up until that point in my life, the isolation was taking a toll. I had few friends left, and I was backing out of anything to do with people. Such a small impact weighed more in my life, and hit home.

Thank you Noel.

Even Moth's approve this cereal.

Blockades

It takes me a little bit to get inspired to write music. Sometimes it's a song, or some sound I hear, they way I want to express how I feel... But when it comes to lyrics, you might as well toss it out the window. I may be Moses, but I am sure no David, or any psalmist for that matter. Putting my words into verse or some format that gives it meaning, yeah, I'm lost.

I've been starting to get the itch to go on a music making spree though, I've been getting ideas and its a matter of time and everything. It's not a writers block, it's a song block. I can harmonize til the cows come home, but harmonies don't get me a song. Or a cow.

And I'm not sure what you'd call my kind of music. I'm going to have to get off my butt and record it mp3 wise. I've got it on paper. To tell you the truth, I've been having a lot of luck on the piano, I updated one of my songs. It's funny how you get in a rut, and suddenly something happens in your life, and it's like that blockade is lifted. Isn't that the way it is with everything? Sometimes you just get stuck. My life is full of these stuck positions. I've noticed though, if you realize and move on with your life, around your blockades, it works out for the better. It does for me. No matter how I push and pull, it's like a closed door. Maybe I'm just stubborn, I try so hard to do my best, that the door gets slammed in my face. Not the way to go. There is a better way.

Usually when a door is stuck, I get so frustrated, because I want to make things happen. Like my music, I want to someday listen to some of it played by a real full orchestra (it's on my computer, not the same sound). I want to perform it in front of an audience, and have it affect people, like it does me. But it's just one of those close doors. I'm waiting for the day that the door opens up for me again. And who knows, maybe it won't. I've come to terms with believing in God to make dreams happen, and if that isn't in His will, that's okay too. I'm not living this life for me, I'm living it for Him. I'm going to be happy whether I achieve my earthly goals or not.

Sane visit

You'll never guess what. We actually had a sane visit to my inlaws yesterday! It was so insane that it was a, wanted to jump up and down, throw a couple of dance moves in there, kind of joy. None of us snapped at each other afterwards, we actually were happy and getting through the visit positive, that was beyond a blessing. How awesome.

Josh ended up talking to his brother yesterday, and they were really happy to go to church with us. His wife was completely at home with our church, and his brother, was uneasy because it's such a different atmosphere than a Catholic church. Laurel was dancing in the back with us, singing with us at the top of her little lungs, whether they were the words or not. It was great.

My husband is always amazed by what comes out here. I told him simply, I'm a Moses, I can't talk worth crap, but I can write like crazy. He laughed. I think God has a whole ton of Moses on this earth. Not nearly as close to God, or anything, but people who need an interpreter. I didn't realize I was so different until my brother pointed it out, when I came back from Marquette, one weekend. I said something that no one laughed at, except him, it's just the way our sense of humor is, I think. Quirky.

My husband usually gets my jokes too. Maybe that's why I married him. Why I don't even know the reason I married him, is completely off the wall to me. I had a lot of reasons. Although I don't remember a lot of them, spurious, whimsical reasons, the, oh I like that about him, reasons. Can't pin-point what's so great about him. I saw stability, (ha ha) potential, had a lot of the same views, yeah, the goodies when you really aren't relying on God to help you choose your mate. I could have ended up with a real winner, someone who could have treated me horribly. God was still watching over me, even after I had given up on him. How was I suppose to know we would turn out like this? Simply amazing, is all I have to say.

Hey, that's life.

Well, we managed to go to church last night with my brother in law and his wife. And amazingly enough, they didn't try to stuff their masters degrees in our faces or anything. I have a feeling real life may have hit them, and they are searching for the real answers now. We'll have to see.

My inlaws are coming over today, so pray for me. I want to have the right attitude.

Aren't we all searching for answers? I know my brother in law and his wife, when they were in college they were searching for the educated answers. What makes sense for their lives. What makes sense, you'd think that would be enough huh? I always relied on my common sense to get me through a situation. But when I am in an emergency, I go on instinct. The self-sufficiency mode that I'm infected with. It would never have crossed my mind until after the fact, to pray for a situation. It is never too late to pray, however, it would be much more efficient if we did it in the first place.

Doesn't that apply to everything? If you prayed first, maybe some of this crap in our lives wouldn't have happened. I know God likes preventive measures, and He certainly likes hearing from us often.

What would have happened if I would have known God when my dad was alive? I think our whole world would have changed. You know I never really thought about that. Because my dad had passed away, the pastor who did the funeral sent a woman from the church, (who happens to be Noel's mom, God's funny like that, huh?) to invite us to go to church. So my mom checked it out, and we ended up going. How weird it was as a kid to suddenly start going to a church, when I had never heard of God in my life. Yes, I knew that there was something special about a baby named Jesus at Christmas time, but I knew nothing. How amazing that there was something like this out there. I know that God had this in his plans for us. And now, he has several God believing people, faithful to him, telling others of our faith. One person, turned our world upside down.

It branched out from there. God took a hold of us and watched over us. He knew we were suffering, we had so much going against us. It's surprising we weren't a statistic, drugs, alcohol, the works. But God was looking out for us. I often wondered why I never got into any of that, now I know it was God. Kinda scary. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to have God's favor on my kids' lives as well.

This is how a family is suppose to be

You know how I said Josh wanted to ask his brother to come to our church. He called them up and they are coming! Isn’t that too cool?

Today started out much better. Of course I haven’t gone near one of our cars or anything. All four of our cars in our driveway have been in the shop this week. And no, thank goodness Josh and I don’t own all of them. We own 2, paid for 2, thank goodness only 2. My brothers car ended up getting ripped up underneath from those rocks, so he is getting a lot of work done on it. We’ve been working out our schedules so everyone can have a car, it’s actually been working out really well.

Two weeks before I got married, my Aunt Marion and my cousin, Sony, flew in from Georgia to help with the wedding. My sister came down from northern Michigan with her kids. Do you know how nice it is to have 5 women in the house before you get married? We made a deal to try to make things go smoothly, we prayed whenever there was a need. Such as my in-laws were making a big stink those weeks, and the one time I went over there, I came back such a nervous wreck, I ended up avoiding them for the rest of the week. My sister and cousin took me shopping for the wedding night necessities. And we got to the end of it all and my cousin remarked, “Now this is how a family is suppose to be!”

We all were different women, coming together for one purpose. Whenever I enter someone else’s home, I notice how they act as a family. And I feel lucky to have mine. For some strange reason, we really get along, and work out our differences. It’s not so strange; we communicate, and aren’t trying to get each other mad or push buttons. That’s not to say that my brother doesn’t do that on occasion. Hey, we aren’t perfect.

We moved into my mom’s house for 2 reasons, first Josh had a lousy job, commission only, and we weren’t making it. And second, we want to buy the house. So we’ve been living here for over a year with my mom and my brother, which has been working out for all 7 of us. Like now, we all have cars so that everyone can work and go when we need to, while Jeff’s car is in the shop. We split the bills, so we all see a little more money.

It’s interesting to talk to people these days, about living with more than our immediate family. Surprisingly enough, there are a ton of people who take in a parent, or have an older kid who lives with them. Shared housing certainly isn’t the norm in America. But if it can be worked out, it’s great. I always know I can fall back on my mom to watch the kids in emergencies. In fact, she watched Dar this morning. She got up way too early for her own good, and ended up passing out on my mom’s bed. If I just need someone to talk to who has a level head, my brother is here. If we have a heavy project that needs to be done on the house, we commission the guys to do it. It’s such a relief.

And that, is how a family is suppose to be.

Did I just learn something?

Today was one of those days that everything happened at once. Something on our car broke off, so we had to get it repaired today. So Josh borrowed his dad's truck. Then we didn't have internet access, so my usual morning routine was different. And it went on from there.

It seems like on these kind of days, I get all screwed up. Nothing goes as planned. And in the past I would have been all angry and irritated. But today flew by, with no problems, so it seemed. I didn't get angry once until Josh got home, and that never helps my mood. A lot of times, I need to take a few moments when Josh gets home, so I can have the right attitude, and get on with the rest of my day.

It is so odd for me to write at night, seems like I'm behind, hilarious since I have no schedule to write this. Maybe that's what this is all about, the schedule I put myself on, so I feel like I accomplished something throughout my day.

I am so hard on myself. I think that's why I have such diligence in everything I do. If I don't accomplish my highly set goal though, I'm so disappointed in myself. But it's also a standard I set for others, and one of the biggest struggles in my life. To not set goals on people lives, when they can't possibly fulfill them. Nor are they required to. I know how it feels over and over again, to not reach someone else's expectation on your life. I don't want to do that to other people.

If I keep this under control I can be a great motivational factor.

I was asked to pray for someone today, again, that I really don't want to pray for. Lucky for me, I think I started it right this time. I might have learned from my last mishap. I first prayed for a right attitude, then prayed for the prayer request. And I did it right away, so I didn't procrastinate and never pray for them at all. I have a horrible habit of doing that, putting off something that I hate, and end up never doing it. Remember? Not telling my family right off, that I wanted a quiet birthday for Dar? Yeah. I'm not doing that again. I want it to be right the first time.

Hey, I think I learned something after all, huh, God?

I love Catholics.

I am in great remorse today. Please pray for our music director Dan Price, and his family. His father has cancer and isn't doing well. I don't have details and I don't know the family well, but God has laid it on my heart to pray. God is funny like that sometimes.

As my husband walked out the door today, he called out, "Maybe we should call my brother and his wife up to go to church with us. You are great at converting people." I looked at him and teased, "You wait, I'll get you baptized yet." "I've been baptized twice!""You need a third."

Catholism teaches that you are reaffirming your baptism, when you go through confirmation. Thus called confirmation. This is Josh's second baptism. My third is to get him saved. Although he understands the fundamentals, he can't seem to let go of the catholic way of being saved. If I had said, You wait, I'll get you saved yet, he'd been totally offended. Each day he is taking one step closer to rocking his world, (ie Christ as his personal savior) and he understands better than I do about loving your neighbor and forgiveness.

However, I question him. Me? Converting people? Out of the "true faith?" I'll have to admit I know quite a bit about catholism, I made a study of it before I got married so I knew what I was getting into. But my niche is converting Catholics? Not all Catholics are bad. They are headed in the right direction. I think you have a higher turn over rate. People want a religion, but they don't want to live it in their daily lives. They'd rather atone for it on Sunday, and call themselves religious. Protestant churches have a way of living it out in your life, although I know there are plenty of neutral Christians here. I think most converts would agree that they "woke up" one day and realized their faith wasn't growing. I see it happening in most Catholic churches.

I love Catholics. There are a lot of things Catholics got going for them. They hear the word of God, they learn how to pray, they have a deep sense of need for going to church. These are great foundations. It was funny, we took my brother in law and his wife to church one week. Afterwards, my brother in law said, yeah sometimes we go protestant.... I had to laugh. In all of their lives, they had been taught to go to a Catholic church faithfully, it was considered a sin if they didn't attend mass. And here he admits to "going protestant." Like it's some dirty secret. And it is. To Catholics.

Here is a good example of people who attend church, (or claim to attend church) to warm the pew, say a couple of prayers and be atoned until next week. And today, Josh says to call them up to ask them to attend church with us again. To "go protestant." So I can convert them. Maybe this is yet another fight with God I will have and lose. God always wins, and like a little child I can't help but say....

It's not fair.

Snow day!

Oh wait.

Cassie woke up early this morning, so I was laying in bed, waking up. I find if I lay in bed for 5 minutes I am a lot happier than if I just got up instantly. Mom rushes into our room, and says Jeff is stuck in the ditch on the way to work. Okay, I say and drag myself out of bed, get a coat and everything on, and walk out the door. Mom is ready and pulled her car out. So I get in, she ends up sliding into the snow bank in our driveway so she's stuck now. Our driveway is awful, we don't get it plowed so it's a feat to get out each day. We spend maybe a minute trying to get her out and I say, "Why don't we just take my car." So we grab the shovels and hop into my car. We make it out of the driveway, somehow and get to where Jeff is stuck. So mom gets into his car, and we shovel around it, yada, yada, and we start pushing. After several attempts we find out that the guys driveway has huge rocks at the end of it and Jeff had managed to drive right on top of them. So the frame of his car is stuck on the rocks. So I decided, (they wanted to keep trying and so forth, but I saw it was a lost cause.) that we would call a tow truck. No problem. I drive home, take one look at our driveway and decide I don't want another car stuck in it, and park on the road. I got quite a bit of flack but we have this nice canal that is right next to our driveway, and I could see Josh trying to get the car out and driving right into it. It would top my day.

Jeff ends up calling work telling them he got stuck, and he had to wait for a tow truck. No biggie. His boss asks if he needs help. Nope. We got it. The tow truck comes and pulls Jeffs car out, but manages to bust the tire on the way out. So he ends up towing his car to the garage. So Jeff has no car to get to work. He comes home, and calls his boss, who in the meantime had called again to make sure he didn't need help. As Jeff walks in the door, he is busting a gut, because a guy stopped while they were pulling out the car and asked if they needed any help. My mom told him no, then noticed he had a plow on the front of his truck. She then says, Do you plow? He's like, yeah, I'll follow you home. So Jeff says to me, Mom managed to pick up a guy. What?! I said. He laughs, and tells me the story.

Mom comes in and has this goofy grin on her face. When I told her what Jeff said, she laughed and admitted that she told him she was single. I doubt that a date was made, though it would of been hilarious if there had been. Jeff calls up his boss again, and his boss decided to come and pick him up! Now his boss isn't one of those guys that would automatically does this for a employee, but Jeff and his boss have really been talking lately and gotten to know each other. So he manages to get to work.

Moral of the story: Don't skid out and get your car stuck on a bunch of big rocks. If you do, pick up a guy who will plow your driveway, and become good friends with your boss so he'll pick you up for work!

Flaws and Weaknesses

As soon as I posted yesterday, it was like a huge load lifted off my shoulders. I almost took the post off, just because I was almost afraid of showing my weakness. Then I thought, no, I am human, so I'm bound to have tons of weaknesses.

So why not have the blog today be on flaws and weaknesses.

Crazy enough, I'm terribly handy. I can usually look at something, and fix it within minutes. I've fixed vcrs, and put in kitchen faucets, figured out what was wrong with cars, and found workable ways to organize almost anything. I used to think my music teacher was one of the greatest people alive. As I got older I realized that he was holding me back. He didn't like that a "woman" was a composer, that I could fix any instrument put in front of me, and I loved to play and try new things. No, he refused to put me in quartets because of who I was. I wasn't the best, but I certainly wasn't the worst. I started my own cello quartet, who made it to states and won. Instead, he helped a boy that failed out of college, who thought he was such a musician, and didn't have the dedication to see it through. What a waste of time! How many people like me had he held back, that could have been someone big? And I know if I had any fame what-so-ever, he would have claimed it was all his teaching and was 100% behind me. In fact, when we won states, he walked up to the judge and said, I have 15 more cello players just as good or better than these in my school system. It's so funny how people puff themselves up, so that they will appear better than what they are.

So my weaknesses? I kept standing up to him, even though I didn't realize he was trying to belittle everything I did. And today, I am free. I know there is more than what others think of you. I can accomplish great things through my weaknesses, I see the results in my kids each day. So am I nothing? Not to my kids. Not to my husband. And definately not to God.