I'm pretty sure I don't live in the normal world that everyone else lives in. My world is at home and I hardly have intruders. It's a very safe environment because it is so controlled and cloistered, really. I know it isn't terribly practical, but it keeps me consistent and I know that in a few years when the girls are in school, I won't be confined just to the house. I'm not sure I'll know what to do with myself.

But I've noticed that the social aspect of me is going on a downhill trend. I don't even make eye contact anymore. And if I talk to anyone outside of my world, it's for very short periods of time. Seconds in fact. Not good.

I've never been the social butterfly, but I hate the fact that it's gotten worse. Like I have nothing to offer the world. And it's seriously how I feel. Because all I know is about my kids and housework, I have nothing to offer. Don't take me wrong because I'm not depressed, angry or lonely about it. And this is not a pity party for me either.

I'm just not sure what to talk about anymore that isn't just cracking jokes and small talk that I don't even participate in. I guess, really, first and foremost I am a mom. I take my job as a mom seriously. I want my kids to turn out exceptional, surprising and interesting. And I think dedicating my time to that is one of the most important things in my life.

So, yes, I am content with my life. I may have regrets, and things I would rather do. But I find contentment by enjoying whatever season you are in, in life. And though I doubt now will be my favorite season, it will definitely be the most interesting one.

So it continues...

White Christmas

We've been watching White Christmas today, Dar has been wanting to. It has a ton of dancing and songs, and it makes me wonder how they could put something like that together. Think how much went into it, not only did they have lines, but they choreographed it and sang as well, and it's not simple melody lines like we hear so much now, it has harmonies and complex themes in such a simple time period.

You'd really have to know what you were doing. Be the best of the best. It isn't like that anymore. Not really. But we don't have the fake happiness thing anymore, it's more closer to home, most times anyways.

And they use words like swell.

Who says swell?

Who wants to say swell?

Proves my point. No one wants to say swell anymore. Not even me, not that I would have in that time period. But it was much cooler back then.

One thing I have to say is that no matter how ridiculously dorky Danny Kaye is, he is still awesome beyond belief.

Cassie is a 2 year old

You know how sometimes one sentence or verse just sticks out there. And it keeps coming back to haunt you as if saying, "You aren't listening to me..."

Well this verse keeps popping up everywhere for the last year for me.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39

Is it just that I'm stupid enough not to comprehend the simplicity of God just loving us? You know maybe it's just beyond me. I'm just too stubborn to trust something so simple, and not even just trust it, but believe it, walk it.

Well, Cassie is definitely 2. In one day she managed to keep me so much on my toes that I couldn't let one second go by without her in my sight.

So I was cleaning crayon off with one of those Mr Clean Magic Eraser things, and ended up getting interpreted so I laid it on the counter. After I got everything settled back down, I started to do dishes and forgot totally about the Magic Eraser. I hadn't heard the girls for a while, so I checked up on them. Dar was playing quietly and Cassie was chewing on some blue foam. I just looked at her and thought it was one of their toys or something. Until it dawned on me several minutes later that the Eraser was no longer on my counter. I ran into the room and she had ripped it apart, shredded it, more like it, and eaten most of it. She wasn't in the room as I picked up the remaining pieces.

She was in the kitchen, unloading a full diaper, and writing with it.

So I changed her and got everything cleaned up when I walked out to her playing with my computer and munching on my mouse pad! (Yes, I have half a mouse pad as we speak) After I chased her out and picked up that, she had unloaded yet another diaper, and that was the last straw. I put her in a timeout chair. Cleaned everything up and carried her around with me everywhere I went. Seriously.

Even then she still got into things, and out of things, (like diapers) so I clothed her in clothes I knew she couldn't get off, and didn't take an eye off of her for the rest of the day.

When Josh got home I walked out and handed her over, and said, "Don't take your eyes off her, don't even think about setting her down and letting her roam the house." He was pretty shocked and maybe terrified as well... Then he said to Cassie, "You aren't suppose to be like Uncle Barney. Uncle Barney is suppose to get a kid like himself, not me." Needless to say, Cassie was very good when Josh was home.

Did I mention she also got crayons and ate them, and started stabbing Kix and Cherrios with the end of a toy, picking them up like those garbage pokers, or that she dumped chicken soup all over the floor and the girls thought it would be nice to help mom out by getting out the brooms and spreading it all across the kitchen floor? Yeah, I didn't think so.

I love 2 year olds.

Especially when you have a 2 year old, and an 18 month old acting like a 2 year old.

Makes it fun.

Okay it's not as bad as it sounds, but it does keep you busy. And she goes in streaks, several days of super goodness, and one day of the purest evil.

Nails

I've been busy, yet not, lately.

My mom and I are in a bible study together with 3 other women. It's fun to watch each person and their reactions to others in the group. Not even that it's fun but interesting, something I've always been interested in is human behavior, what makes people tick.

I told a story about a pastor I knew pretty well. He told me his relationship with God wasn't right, so he decided to grow a beard because it irritated him and he would only shave it off when he was right with God. I always thought what an awesome thing, because there are always times when I've been lazy with my relationship with God, as if it's not important to me. "God will be there tomorrow." So I think.

So I took a long time to think of the one thing that really irritates me. I finally decided it is long nails. I know, I know, sounds crazy that a woman wouldn't want long nails, and I don't care if anyone else does have them. In fact, I have really great nails for growing, they don't peel, crack or anything. I just like playing the piano more, and nails get in the way.

I don't feel my relationship is right with God, which is my point of this whole story, and for accountabilities sake, I'm going to let my nails grow. So when you see me next and I have cut my fingernails, be happy with me that God and I got it straight.

Or I'm going to have incredibly long nails that are gross and curl and...

No I promise. I'll have them cut by then...

I hope.

National Day

All in one day we had this extreme windstorm, and the leaves are gone. Even my neighbors beautiful reds and oranges. Yup, looks more like winter to me.

It's so hard to believe that thanksgiving is coming up. It just doesn't feel like the holiday season this year. Not that it matters to me, since I really don't care about the holidays to begin with. I mean it's great to celebrate a day for Christ's birthday, don't get me wrong. We celebrate his death as well. Get that. Or rather we celebrate that he rose from the dead. I think that made it a little weirder. But it's true.

It's interesting what holidays stuck that we celebrate. You can look at the paper and in the corner of either the living section, or on the front page it says, it's national blah blah day. There is a "special" day for every single day of our lives, I'm not even sure it's consistent from year to year. Anybody print in the paper it's national get a new nose ring day, and nose ring sales will increase at least 25%.

Ooh! What a marketing tool. Buy the papers national day, (I'm pretty sure it's different for each paper) and say it's National Ford Focus Day. Or National drinking from dixie cups day. Could you imagine how crazy that would be? It could be a cliffhanger for the paper. So what day is it today??? What do I get to buy today? Stores would wrap the papers up so you couldn't cheat and not buy the paper, or they'd put a strategically placed stickers on newspaper boxes. It could be quite the thing.

But the whole national day thing hasn't taken off yet anyways, so don't get your hopes up on buying more stuff you probably don't need. Like more dixie cups. If you use dixie cups, you just saved yourself a buck. But on the Mel website I don't expect you to buy anything. At all.

So it's National Coca-Cola Day on Mel's website.

I could get to like this. Especially if they reimburse me for advertising.

Whoa, long post, I guess to make up for the lack of posts.

I'm about to do the unforgivable.

Happy birthday Glenn!

Alright I got that out of my system.

Okay, so it wasn't bad, but after having a birthday for such long time, it's time to turn the tables and commemorate how many years he's put into this life. Congratulations.

Today is such a gorgeous day. Perfect fall weather and all that jazz. The leaves (okay what's left) are in awesome shades of orange and red around our house, our neighbor always has gorgeous trees this time of year. Almost turns your mood upside down and around, just looking out the window.

Did I ever mention how much I hate money? It seems like it just rules my life, I wonder when and if it'll end. We're saving for a loan (from college, we have to pay early) and we'll make it but it's tight. Thank goodness we already have the girls Christmas presents, or that would have been the next thing to cut. It's just crazy, but it does prove one thing; we can save when it's important. And it hasn't been all us either. We got a good sum because our neighbor decided to log out his trees so the logging company went around to the neighbors here in the area, so they didn't have to move all their equipment everyday, and got quite a few people to make it worth it for the loggers to come out. Well, my mom decided to give us some of it, otherwise we would have been squeezing pennies out of our vehicles and under the dresser, although it's gotten pretty close to that. That is when I know it's the end of the line for our money usage. When I start raiding the penny jars. I've lived through enough times of tightness to know the signs.

God has been gracious. If it weren't for the extra money, we might not make it. We have been lucky. However it gets me thinking about how I only half depend on God to get me through. And I say half because I seem to always have a plan B if God doesn't come through for us. And I know He always has in the past. But out of instinct I still plan. I don't worry, unless I'm threatened. Okay let me give you an example.

I was running and one of the perks of running on the road is it doesn't cost a thing for me to run. I have shoes, I have clothes (thank goodness) but as it got darker in the morning, before the time change, I started getting beeped at and finally someone stopped and told me I need reflectors of some sort. I was so angry because I knew we had no money for that kind of purchase (yes, we are that tight.) And I fought with myself and God and cried, which by the way, crying and running doesn't mix. You wheeze, your throat gets really tight, and you start seeing what looks like newspapers swirling in front of your face because you aren't getting enough oxygen to your brain. Needless to say you need to stop until most of the sobbing is done, and go on.

After the crying spell was reduced to just tears, and I got my breathing back under control, I was so angry at God. And it wasn't God's fault. Not totally anyways. But I had everything in place to pay off that loan and I seriously needed to get some reflectors to ensure the fact that I will live to see the day I pay off that loan.

Now I have to say I was mad at God for quite some time, I found a credit card with some money left on it and bought the stupid reflectors. (I am going to be paying over and over again in interest on those reflectors) And I finally got over my anger at God and sincerely apologized, when one of our direct bills that gets pulled out of our account that I thought was already paid, got pulled out and overdrafted our bank account, several times over because checks came out that day.

So again, I was angry at God. I had specifically asked for help in the financial department after that reflector business. Well, Josh called the bank and got it down to one overdraft, we would have been paying close to a hundred, just to the bank alone, that we didn't have. So Josh and I sat down again, and figured out to the penny what we needed to reach our goal. And Josh didn't know we were so tight until then. He was wondering why I would be disturbed with him buying flowers for me. You got to understand, Josh only buys me flowers when we are really tight so I don't enjoy them. I look at them and start thinking of all the things we could have bought with that money.

So this time I was rather apprehensive to apologize to God because record shows I would be getting mad all over again. But I did it anyways, and looking back it's kinda funny, I want so badly to believe God will see us through and when something stupid that I know is my fault bubbles up to the surface, I get angry at God mostly for my own character. I am really mad at myself and I admit it. And it's not like God has to grant whatever I want either. I just expect him to. And however much wrong that is, I really want to have someone to depend on to get me through every mess I get into. So I chose God. Hopefully in the future I will keep choosing God no matter how much I think He is letting me down. I know He's looking out for the best for me, however hard that is for me to swallow.

Gulp.