Right.

It never ceases to amaze me how we are made into the people we are. How one thing or one person can shape our entire lives, and lead us into a whole new direction that no one would have thought possible.

I can think of many instances of which I could have taken a different path and turned out as someone totally different.

It's interesting to me how everything works so we can be in a place to serve other people whole-heartedly.

It took me a while to realize that just as much as I could never live to be like my mom, she could never live to be like me. If my mom wasn't the way that she is, then I wouldn't be who I am. Just as her parents before her, and her grandparents before that and so on and so forth. All things come together for a purpose and although we never know what that purpose is, we can trust that it's the right one. It's always the right one. Bad times don't happen because they are wrong, (they may be evil and unfair, but it doesn't make the situation wrong) they happen so we can step up and keep fighting for what is right. Somehow we just keep trying to do what's right.

God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle.

The textbook answer

Right now I'm waiting for Josh to get home so I can go up to the hospital and sweet talk the nurses to treat my mom right. I think the last nurse I saw last night was getting pretty annoyed with me, but she kept forgetting to do things, so I would remind her. Poor woman. She had a lot on her mind, I'm sure.

I'm really asking for prayer, for not just our family but especially for my mom.

We actually went to church last weekend. Josh wants to join in counseling engaged couples for marriage. We had a really awesome couple for our marriage prep and I want to turn around and be able to give that to someone else. We'll see. There is an application process; which we have to apply and interview before we can counsel other people. Who knows. I shouldn't be afraid, but I am. I'm afraid that the people who see my application are going to reject me because of my age or the fact that we haven't been going to church for a few months like that makes me a weak christian or something. I don't want to be going for the wrong reasons. I guess it's their problem if they want to judge me and if I'm not suppose to be involved there then I won't be.

So says the textbook answer.

You'd think that at 24 years old, married, and with 3 kids; that I would feel more like an adult. Honestly, I feel more like a kid each day, as I discover how big this world really is and how minuscule I am in it. I keep realizing how much that I just don't know and could never possibly understand. As if I lost control as a teenager when thought I had the world wrapped around my fingers and had it all figured out.

I think I just don't like being at the mercy of people who are older than me. I have to hope they have have the grace to understand my naivete, and have no way to protect myself from it.

St. Matthews

So I wrote these people back and I've gotten a worthless book, a purple ribbon to put under my pillow, and two cents.

Yes. Two pennies. I put them in our change jar.

Oh and more forbidden prophesies!

Josh wants the free prayer coin that you have to send in for.

Hey. What do I know about God's kingdom anyways. How can a religion about God who is all about what's right; feel so wrong???

Bombarded

I've really been having a tough week. Josh has said that it feels like it's been a week long each day. Yeah, that's exactly how I feel.

Keep (or please put) our family in your prayers, especially this week coming up.

I've always hated drama. I don't like conflict. I used to think that I liked to fight and argue, even though I knew I sucked at it (and thought that if I practiced enough that I'd get better at it). I just liked the fact that I got everything out in my fights in my head, and when it came to the real thing, I realized I didn't get anything out at all. Arguments are like that.

What it comes down to is that I really don't want to hurt anyone with whatever words I'm thinking of spitting out.

That's not why I've been having a tough week. Not really. We've just been bombarded with a lot of really sucky stuff. I don't even like the word sucky and I've used two forms of it in this post alone.

I can't help but think of how many people re-read the post to find all the times I used the word. Actually, it amuses me.

Done

Sometimes life tosses up a deck of cards and says, now it's time to play 52 pick-up.

We haven't been going to church for a quite a while now. I can't quite pin the reason why exactly, I think I'm just done with religion. That's not to say I'm done with God, and I don't care if you throw into my face that God asks us to be in community with other believers. I could be absolutely wrong about this right now. But I'm just not accepting the fact that we went to church and tried to connect with people and came out worse than when we went in. A church will never be perfect since it is lined with imperfect people. It just seems like the wrong reason to be going to church. I mean you go to learn about God, but you also go to connect with other people who believe like you do. I think I was just looking for one person just to sit down with for coffee every once in a while and just be comforted with the fact that you believe the same ideas. Someone else to bounce ideas off of and put your head back on your shoulders again. I'm currently getting more of a sense of community from a pair of Jehovah's Witnesses that keep stopping by my door.

I think put too much faith into people. I keep hoping that there just might be someone else out there who wants to do the right thing all the time, no matter what. It feels like everyone has a motive. Me included.

We went to this Ben Folds concert last week and it was really cool. I wish he wouldn't feel the need to swear all the time but everybody has their thing, I guess. Ever since then I've been listening to a few of his songs like they were a religion or something. Sorry Mr. Ben Folds, but I'm not going to be head priestess of the Foldites.

I guess I just like the free style he has. Something I wish I could get a hold of. Seems like I can't let go and just be free. Always captive to something. I'm sure he is captive to something else.

Isn't that the way it is with human beings?

I'm fervently religious when things come crashing down around my ears, but when it comes to the calms in my life God is a trinket on a charm bracelet. How's that for honesty? I hate feeling like I'm just like an Israelite in the desert for 40 years. Human characteristics don't change over thousands upon thousands of years. I'm just as likely to turn my back on God when there is nothing better to do, but when something happens, I'm first to start praying. The story's the same, only the time and place is different.

And at this point in my life, I still believe in God and His Word. I still believe that things happen for a reason and that He knows what's going on. I trust in that. That's not my ultimate truth or anything, but everything else right now just seems to be up for interpretation.