Cats in diapers.

Oh, this is so nice. We took the girls over to Josh's grandparents house last night, and now the older 2 are sleeping in. Cassie was up I think at 730, but I didn't get up until 8 probably closer to 830. She was playing in the bedroom quietly, so it wasn't like she was crying and suffering in there.

I had a weird dream about cats and I put them in diapers. (think I'm a little diaper logged?) I thought it was normal until the end of my dream, and thought, I've seen plenty of cats out of diapers, and gave it a try. Must not have anything interesting going on my life. It's true, I don't.

Give me about 4 years, when all the girls are in school, and I won't be able to blog all I've done throughout my days. With that last thought, I'm going to enjoy sitting around today, and playing with my kids, while I can.

Diapers are a problem sometimes

Traveling has been weighing hard on my mind lately. I can't wait until the girls are at a good age to travel. Right now, Dar has a hard time going places, (she has a hard time doing anything, she's 2.) and I really want to be sure that I can handle all three at one time just to ensure their safety while we travel.

Right now they just have too many needs to once, for it to be possible for me to travel with them. I really want to visit my Aunt Marion in Georgia before it's too late. But I don't want to take 3 monsters either. And I know I've bred three huge monsters ready to take over cities and take prisoners. And why should I think that they will get better as they get older? I'm just hoping to be out of diapers, and they will be able to dress themselves without my assistance. Is that too much to ask?

Somehow the diapers seem endless, but I don't see any 5 year olds in diapers.

I'm lucky.

Today the girls weren't terribly bad, well most of the time. Anyways it started to get "exciting" when my mom got home. She walks into the house saying, You've got the life of Riley. (What's that saying all about, anyways?!) And I just look at her. I have Dar on my leg whining, and Cassie just took her diaper off and wet the floor. And yes, I've taped her diaper on before.

So mom sent me off to the spa. But I didn't want to exercise. Getting all sweaty and gross was not the way I wanted to spend an hour or two out of the house today. Not that being sweaty is bad, I really don't mind it so much; but I certainly don't glisten, like some special few. About the only time I am beautiful is when I'm sleeping, mostly because I look like an angel, except when the drool is dribbling out my mouth. (Oh come on, everybody does. Both. Look like an angel when asleep, and drool. Equally.)

Anyways I was sent away. I decided I need to be refreshed, so I figured I needed to do something new and ordinary. Well being I just don't get out much by myself, I never know what to do. So I drove to Meridian, hoping I'd find something, even if I just walked around the mall (by then I was feeling guilty about the whole exercise thing). So I got my hair cut, by this wonderful salon artist. With 2 kids, and a life worse than mine. You have to talk when in a hair salon, it's mandatory. Anyways, afterwards I got a lemonade, (notice a pattern to the lemonade thing here?) and sat in one of the community chairs regulated for lost husbands and older men trying to get a date with one of the regular walkers. (Trust me, it happens, it's the spot to pick up an older lady with great legs, well so we hope.)

Anyways if I thought I had more time than that I probably would have visited a coffee house and seen what kind of conversations I could have gotten into. Not that I would have been successful, but for a hermit like me, sitting down in a coffee house by myself would be a big step. Actually talking to someone else would be huge. But I think it is something I have to try, to get over this ridiculous shyness act. I shouldn't be shy. Seriously. I have a lot to say.

As if you couldn't tell with this super long post.

Bloggen

I've got to be honest. I started this blog with a promise to myself with 4 ideas in mind; 1) that I would be honest and tell the truth, 2) that I don't intentionally try to hurt anybody,(this is tough, since sometimes it involves things that need to be said) 3) that it glorifies God, and 4) it helps to make a better world. I try my hardest to be as upbeat as possible, but sometimes I hit some pretty hard stuff.

I hope this helps out someone else going through the same stuff, or gives a new perspective.

Although I know some people who like themselves way too much, I think I'm in the majority of people who want to change to become a better person. I know I could blame so many factors to why I am the way I am. But I refuse to. I want to be a part of the end result, and the blame shifting is a part of the past me, the one I left behind for a better person. I like the person now, a lot better. She's not perfect, but at least now she is a forward work in progress.

Yeah I'll try to keep it shorter, but uh, no guarantees, okay?

I've been fighting with being taken care of this week. (as if you couldn't tell. This is the point of the blog where I say, I wish I were perfect, or some other inane saying that isn't realistic, just unreachably extreme. Because the extremist in me has to say these things...) Most of the time I am fighting with everything alone, and I don't bother involving anyone else. It's just easier. I know I get over my head, and I still am stubborn in my efforts to keep my head above water. So to simply say I am letting someone take care of me all the time, would be lies.

I can remember finally giving in and letting Josh take the girls at night. I wasn't sleeping because I felt as though I was on watch, I felt guilty that because I was the woman, I should be taking care of them. My girls wake up constantly, so even if I could sleep, I didn't have the chance. Each encounter throughout the night just got worse, I kept get angrier and started to just not care at all. And I want more than that for my girls. So I let go. I let Josh take care of it. And in turn he is taking care of me as well. The girls still get up several times a night.

Josh so readily accepts situations like these. I could never be that good of a wife to him.

I would never be good in the military. If I am short on sleep, (unless I'm running on adrenaline) I just don't function. I am angry, bitter, everything that I worked so hard to get rid of about me. It's still me, it's just a lot less portion. I just turn totally ugly, when I am tired. Someone wasn't kidding when they named it beauty sleep. And no, I'm not fishing for a compliment. Thanks though.

My subconsciousness always knows when something like this is bugging me, it starts showing up in my dreams. I was taking care of a group of kids and everyone picked up their kid except for one dad, and for some obscure reason, when he came in to pick him up, he tucked his kid into my arms and picked both of us up. Literally. And if you know anything about picking up a grown adult, that is no easy feat, but he just, as if I was as small as the child I was holding, picked me up with ease. And the weirdest thing came over me, like I was totally taken care of, and nothing could or ever would hurt me. I wanted to be carried like that forever. I just let go of everything, and let him take care of it. It was a relief, like no one could ever experience. Complete peace.

Try waking up after that dream without groaning.

What next

Rough day today. The girls were super active. Cassie climbed all over everything, including Mt. Everest. Dar was picking on Laurel. And when Dar picked on Cassie, Cass hit her. It's been a fun day in the timeout chair.

I think I was mostly overwhelmed. I mainly wanted to avoid any responsibility that I cast upon myself today. Not that it's a bad thing to want, it just means I'm breaking a mold here. Giving myself a little more freedom. It's funny what can hold you back from doing things. Like I don't do anything I really enjoy until my dishes are done. Like play computer games.

Today I got really mad at just about everything. The kids were doing fine, so thankfully I didn't take it out on them. I almost broke a few dishes, which would mean less dishes for me to wash, (have to give that one some more thought next time) and screamed my head off after dumping water on the floor. That pretty much ended my dishwashing ideas for today.

I get to frustrated sometimes with who I am and where I am at that I can't help but scream. Thankfully I have changed the person into who I am today, because in the past, I would have broken many things and maimed a couple people with my anger alone. I was pretty close today to that. I seriously need help.

And maybe that's just it. I don't know where to turn. I really don't have that many close friends, family just doesn't understand my frustrations, and in most cases don't take me seriously. I hate my doctor. That really frustrates me because I know he wouldn't take me seriously either. I really don't have anybody who I can just drop off the kids to, especially when I get this way, just so I can cool off and get my head back. That steeps into my mind more than anything, that I am fighting with myself while trying to be a decent mother and keep things as normal as possible for my kids. So really that leaves everything to me, alone; just between me and God. I know I've come a long ways, and I hope in the future I will never have to worry about it.

Of course God, you could just save everybody the trouble and come back now...

Somehow I don't think He'll do it just for that reason.

Dear God...

Josh and I haven't always prayed with our girls before dinner. In fact we started praying out loud before meals this year. Last night though, while Josh and I were getting dinner ready, we usually get the girls settled at the table, with food on their plates so they don't have to wait for us to get the rest all done. I walked out of the kitchen, to see them holding hands and hear them bless the food. It was so cute!!!

Conversation Psychologist

I can't believe the time already. My days have been going by so fast. Especially this week. Tonight we are planning on going out with Barney and Melissa. Should be good.

Although I've noticed I'm not very talkative today. Doesn't bode well, maybe I'll reform myself before then.

Does anyone else get those days, when you just have nothing to say? I couldn't make conversation today even if my life depended on it. Maybe that makes me more unique than most days, because then I start talking about pot holders and other random things. I'm just not a conversationalist. I'm one of those people who stands there and nods their head, almost like I am jamming to the music going on in my head. Then if I get really desperate, I start talking about nonsense, or things I know are going on in their lives. Turn the focus off from me. Limelight, elsewhere. Good. Someone else can be responsible for conversation, for a little while anyways.

Until I remember something really interesting. That usually breaks the ice. Suddenly everyone gets comfortable because I am obviously comfortable talking to them.

I start lighting up room, you know. Okay so that part is in my head. But hey, when you find something interesting for everyone to talk about, it seems like you can't stop talking. Once you pop, you just can't stop. So says the Pringles guy.

I'm the walking talking conversation psychologist.

That's an official term.

Extra! Extra! Read all about it.

I'm in such a rock and roll mood today. I keep listening to songs with heavy bass, and I am not the type that turns up the bass in my car so you can feel the ground vibrating for miles away. No I like a proportionate amount of bass and treble.

Anyways, some days are like that. I like mellow songs that turn into rock. And I need to find new songs, I've been too lazy to look is all. Or listen. I have too many other things to do. Like nurturing my kids. Big surprise there, right?

Oh this was awesome. Jeff's friend Tina came over last night, and we played card games until fairly late. It was such a good time. Odd that cards can be so fun, but you get to talk and tease while you play.

And shock of my life, Josh's brother Barney called us to go out to dinner for our anniversaries. Theirs was yesterday, ours is today. Yes. Today is our 5th anniversary. We aren't doing anything. Like our previous anniversaries, one of us was sick, (me, this time) it wouldn't seem like an anniversary if one of us wasn't sick. Not only that but Cassie was sick, and threw up all over me at 2am this morning. Being I was sick, I almost lost it myself. You've never smelled anything more rotten than thrown up milk. Yuck. Plus Josh didn't take today off of work. It wouldn't be an anniversary if he did. And I'm not disappointed. I just find it halirious.

Anyways Barn called us, to go out, I think I could handle this being a tradition. I love my brother and sister in law. They are great on so many levels. Sometimes I hate them, but really they are just being them. I don't expect any less. I guess what is so great is because we can argue with them, and nobody gets hurt. We don't do the name-calling bit or blame or whatever, we just argue rather honestly and its out and over with. I guess we just understand each other. It's weird and fun all at the same time.

So I'm not sure what is so great about our relationship. I'm clueless about relationships once again. Oh well. It really doesn't matter.

Although they came out to see Josh get baptized, the only family that showed up. And that was a really cool stand. Like Melissa said, "We wanted to come because we are family." I hope I am as awesome as that, there for them when they have things going on. Which reminds me. Please pray for Melissa today.

Sorry about the newsy post. You can't blame me for one, every once in a while.

Guess who fell asleep.....climbing.


I hope she has 9 lives.

Cassie has been climbing everywhere.

She ended up on the dining room table several times, playing with the chandelier.

The kitchen table needless to say was no match, she easily climbed up there and played on the lazy susan on top of the table.

Then we have this lovely view of our front yard out our bay window, with Cassie sitting right in the middle of it.

I always knew she was a climber. She just showed her skill today.

So Jeff wrapped her up tight in a towel and she hasn't climbed since. 

I can't help it.

I was going to post on how crazy I am, but then I looked through my previous posts, and realized for the first time ever I'm actually happy with what I have written. I used to go back and read my life (before I blogged) and end up in this really crappy mood. Amazing, some people do change.

I guess that's the reality of it all. Even when I want to give up, I don't just sit there and wallow in it anymore. I do my best to pick myself up off the floor right away and try walking on. Half the time I fight through standing up, but hey, everyone struggles. Fact of life.

If I were amazingly perfect, everyone would hate me. For different reasons, I'm sure. Because nothing ever bad happened to me or I always had the perfect hair, you know. I would probably wish that something bad would happen just so something happened, just so I could be like everyone else. If I were perfect that is.

Somehow I don't ever want to be like anyone else. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be them, then I manage to find all the drawbacks and realize, yeah, I like being me. It's much more fun.

What would I do if I didn't have my kids and didn't get to stay at home with them. I'd be the same as everyone else. Stressed, felt like I was over-worked and I deserved more, and really an overall less of a person than I am today.

I like the fact that I have time right now, to figure out who I am. That's my bonus paycheck.

Mom and me days

Today is my brother-in-laws birthday, surprisingly enough. Happy Birthday Barn!

We went to church and Laurel decided she didn't want to play with kids in her class today, she wanted to sit with me in church. So I took her with me and she was super good. Maybe she is growing up after all. Maybe she just wanted Mom and Laurel time.

My mom and I used to have little shopping sprees of mom and me time. She'd pull me from school, which I was usually frustrated with anyways, and we'd have lunch and went shopping. They were really fun days.

Not that I learned much on those days, except that sometimes we need just a day to relax and get our heads screwed on right. I miss those days of freedom. But I hope to have days with my girls just like my mom did. Just me and my mom.

Everyone needs those days to relax. Just get away from the dull and ordinary. To make life more interesting again. I never told anyone the day I came back that I took a day off to spend it with my mom. First, I was suppose to be sick, since that's what I told the office and figured they had cameras that if they caught me in my lie, I would be in huge trouble. (Okay, not really about the camera part, but I was afraid of what teachers would have told the office if they heard me say I wasn't sick and was shopping instead. My teachers were pretty prudish) Second, who wants to hang out with their mom as a teenager. I mean really, if I would have admitted to that, what would the other kids think of me? Now I look back and know they thought of me as lower than dirt, but hey we are all made up of compounds of dirt.

Maybe skipping school was the wrong thing to do, but there is more to life than academics. I was learning life lessons such as taking care of myself even when I hated everything about me and the things around me. That even for a day, relaxing and getting out of the norm, getting to see glimpses of my mom that I would have never seen if I had stayed in school those days. Not having to share my mom with my overbearing, annoying brother (and trust me, he was. There is a reason we called him Bear). For one day imagining that mom was mine. Selfish, maybe, but you have to think she was the only stable person I had in my life. The only person who wouldn't leave, and the only person who loved me even when I treated her horribly. Mostly treating her bad for reasons such as hating myself, hating my life, and most of all struggling through being a teenager.

I truly had the coolest mom. Ever.

Thanks.

Conservation Club

The girls and I went out to the conservation club in St. Johns, with my mother-in-law, sister-in-law and grandmother-in-law (you know what I mean). We decided to picnic and then swim a bit, which turned out just fine. Cassie decided that she just couldn't let go of mom today, so with the cling-on, I tried tossing a frisbe, and Cass ended up be a little to wiggly. Ah well, one day they won't want anything to do with me. That and I hit Sam in the forehead with the frisbe. She was looking the other way, asking my mother-in-law a question, and I let go of it before even realizing she wasn't looking. I just knew seconds beforehand that it was going to make contact, however I couldn't stop it. I felt so bad. I knew she wasn't hurt, but wow. Never said I was graceful.

That was my day, so far anyways.

Maybe tomarrow I will fall into a river or trip over a log or something. Its Mel's funniest home videos. Without the video.

Diet Vanilla Coke, anyone?

My tastes seem to change all the time, some slower than others. Sometimes it just mutates. Like I love Coca-cola. But I used to just enjoy coke in it's pure form. Now I also like coke slurpees and rum in coke. So it's mutated. And I don't have to have that coke every day of my life anymore, like it seemed when I was a teenager. We used to go through coke really fast around our house, (still do, but surprisingly enough, not as bad) and it was a sure thing if you came over to our house that we would have coke. Now we don't even have coke in our fridge. We have all the free pop that Jeff gets from work, and most of that is just what is leftover from what no one likes to drink around here. Who likes Diet Vanilla Coke? Anyone? Shocker that we got it for free. Vanilla and Diet in the same sentence are an oxymoron.

Josh got his performance review yesterday and he is doing really well. His boss is really happy with him. We finally found a job that utilizes a lot of Josh's skills and abilities. What a relief. Thanks God. It is a total blessing to have a steady job.

It's interesting to see people grow-up and most of the time you have nothing to do with it. They just decide on their own that something needs to be changed and it happens. God works on their heart and you start to see a difference. Especially if it is someone who you have prayed for, for a fairly long time.

I know I'm not perfect, and a thought just occurred to me. I never really thought about if anyone has prayed for a change in me. I guess really I thought I didn't deserved to be prayed over and to be honest never thought about it all. I wonder if God has ever laid on someones heart to pray for me, especially in my rough times.

Just random thoughts.

Which comes to another thing. I have always felt like I am pretty anonymous. I could walk up to people from high school who I had talked to for years, and they had forgotten who I am. I used to be so crushed. Especially if I wanted to get to know them better. It's pretty rare when I talk to someone who knew who I was. In fact, only once have I met a guy who obviously knew who I was, that I never met in my life. I felt so bad that I didn't know who he was, simply because I know how it feels when no one knows who you are. I might have had him in one of my classes, but I've never talked with him, until just recently. I think he had a crush on me. I pretty much killed that when I told him I was married and a stay at home mom with 3 kids. Go figure. I'm not in the market for a love affair, I just found it interesting that there was a guy who liked me from afar. That doesn't happen to me, well, except just then. Usually it's the other way around. Okay, moving on. Seriously, I just don't leave a mark when I talk to people. So I've come to rely on that anonymity. Almost a safe ground. Like, oh, they'll forget me by next Tuesday, so anything I say will have no impact whatsoever. And that was until I came to Riverview, and suddenly everyone is calling Josh, Mel's husband. That is so completely weird to me. Seems wrong in fact. In a few years will I vanish again?

Now I'm wondering if I liked being invisible, after hating it for so long.

Nah, change is good.

Lyrics

Today I actually rolled out some lyrics to a song. Which is so weird for me since I am not good with words. I always figured if I ever make it big, I'll hire someone else to do my lyrics. Maybe now I won't have to hire anyone. =)

Just when I think that I'm done with anything music-like, somehow it is revived with inspiration of some sort. It may not be good inspiration, but it's enough to get me started on something good.

I doubt that makes me any different from all those lone musicians who hope they have a prayer, or have too big of an ego to know that what they have, could be much better. I think maybe my music is a hobby. It's safer that way. I'm much too afraid to get out there and show-off who I am. I know that this fear impacts what happens in my life. It separates me from what I want and what I get.

I still want to learn new things, that will never change. And maybe that willingness will get me somewhere, someday. I'll just have hang onto that hope.

A ton of maybes

Sometimes I feel so bland. Like I'm not passionate about anything. I like some things more, but I'm not entirely ecstatic about anything. Instead of finding that niche, it seems like I am always falling. Is it just that I like the feeling of falling? Or am I just holding on to something way too tightly, that it makes me not want anything else more?

I think I'm afraid of the consequences of "more."

Maybe it's not "more" that I am afraid of, maybe I just need to sit tight and wait out this portion of my life. I tend to be irrational when it comes to hurrying God's will. I never stop to smell the roses. I just try to push and shove. Floundering to find what I like about the situation I am in.

I get jaded opportunities, one-way roads to failure. Honestly, I think that it's just God saying, "Stay put." Half the time I wonder if He's preparing me for something big, besides the rest of my life with these little interludes of entertainment. I don't mind that so much, but it's the unknowing that bugs me.

Maybe I need a little less control and a little more faith.

Hi all.

It's nice to be back.

I really haven't done anything with my day today, except laze around. Josh laughed at me last night because I take a good couple of days to pack all of our stuff for the trip and when I get back home, it takes me weeks to unpack. I guess that bugs him, because he is the exact opposite. So while I took a nap yesterday, he unpacked some.

The girls loved Disney. By Wednesday, Laurel started asking us, in full sentences no less, if she could go back to Disney.

We went to Pungs and the playground last night, and the girls didn't fuss at all when we left! Kids Kamp and Disney did our girls a world of good, especially getting out of places even if they don't exactly want to leave.

We kept track of the London bombing, and the hurricane while we were down there. Simply because we had cable and we could. Otherwise if we would have been up here, we would of only had the internet and it just wouldn't of mattered as much.

As for the London bombing, it seems like war isn't over after all. But we still have no focus. It's one huge stunt, for the media to blow out of proportion; which they will. Are they really trying to get people to change to their faith? Somehow I don't think that paranoid people make good candidates for religious fanatics. However that is just my opinion.

The worst part of the trip was how everyone was hurt over a decision my sister had made. She decided to leave early for home, because of the hurricane, which was fine, I mean that is up to her. I wouldn't want to get stuck driving in a hurricane. But my brother was suppose to travel back with her. All week long he tailored to my sisters needs so that she got the most out of her trip, and then he would enjoy his last days how he wanted. Well it got to the last days of course, and the hurricane was planned on hitting on Sunday night. I guess there was an argument, (I wasn't there) and a lot of feelings got hurt (which I was there for). I'm glad my girls weren't there to witness it.

However, it was disappointing that I didn't get to say goodbye to my sister and her kids, since they left while my family and I were at Disney. I was hoping to have a little more time with them. I wish she would of called us at least to tell us she was leaving or even that she arrived safely. Laurel was really concerned where Benny was. It's hard to explain to a 3 year old that they went home, because of a hurricane and a huge fight.... it's one of those things.

The best??? Wow, too many. Dar's face on the Winnie the Pooh ride. Laurel swimming across the pool in an inner tube, when before she would sit on the stairs or cling to an adult. Laurel saying, Come on! in the right places (yet another Uncle Bear trick). Listening to Laurel say, Tricky sticky mickey hippie. Yeah that was hilarious.

So there you have it. A full fledge Disney trip with the Pung/Kingsburys/Harwoods, and...Jen's last name, oh crap, I can never remember it. Sorry Jen. You are just a part of the Kingsbury family now.

You don't need a last name anymore.

Disney

We took the girls to Disney on Tuesday, and at first we ran around like chickens with our heads cut off. Jeff was taking us around to get the best lines and it was great jumping into lines, just the girls were super tired. So we decided to stop for a afternoon break, and when we came back, we went around the parks much slower so the girls could take it all in. It was a lot more fun for them and much more relaxing for us.

Don't get me wrong, I love to run around Disney, but Disney wasn't for me this time. It was for my kids.

In fact we were going to go today, except that last night Laurel climbed into bed and somehow missed, fell, and hit her head on the window sill. She has a lovely cut above her eye, luckily it was a only a surface cut, so we didn't have to go to the hospital. We decided to wait a day for Disney, just to make sure she is alright.

I was disappointed about Disney this year. Epcot seemed to be falling apart at the seams. I guess I remember it to being this really great place, my favorite park, and since then, they took my favorite rides out, and put in crappy materialistic ones. Okay, I know Disney is terribly materialistic, but those old rides had a bit of nostalgia and I like that warm feeling when you get off a good ride. Disney has lost its magic.

Then again, maybe it's because I'm old, and for the life of me, I'm struggling to remember what my dad did when we went to disney to make it really fun. My dad was pretty odd but he could always pass the time being goofy with us. I never minded waiting in lines at disney. People are so about why do I have to wait, that they totally miss the point that they can use that time to teach their kids something new. Think about it, you have a good 20 minutes to enjoy being nothing but goofy with your kids, playing made up games and trust me, you get pretty creative. My girls love to dance, so twice yesterday we danced to the theme of the ride. We sang the Pirates of the Carribean song and danced in circles. We waltzed to the Philharmagic. We pointed out each pooh picture we found at Many Adventures of WP.

When I was a kid, we enjoyed the boring rides or movies with my dad.

I think he taught us to appriciate what we have. Whatever situation we are in, there is something good about it, you can make it as easy as possible. Everything doesn't have to be hard, because really, we are the only ones making it difficult for ourselves. Only we can make a bad situation worse by complaining and whatnot.

Whatnot, what a funny word.

I wish I was half the person my dad was. And maybe someday when I'm 45 or so I will be.

Bye for now.

Today is our last day here! We'll be back on the 10th.

So I probably won't be writing this week, unless I get Jeff to get online. But don't count on it.

I printed out a ton of coloring pages for my kids for the flight. I don't think they quite understand the fact that we are going on vacation, and it's going to be a blast. That is, if Dar doesn't throw the temper tantrums she has been throwing lately.

14 years ago to this day, my dad passed away. My mom started tearing up today, and it is just an all around hard day for us. It seems to hit us every year.

I didn't cry this year yet. I think I might finally be through my grieving process, and although I have my memories of him, I don't cry every single time I think about it. You'd think I'd be over his death, but I think for a kid, it takes a lot longer to figure out what to do after something like that. Sure I can do the daily stuff, but there are a lot of times I wish I had dad to lean on.

I had horrible nightmares last night. And as a common theme in my dreams I held onto my kids while I screamed or fought or anything. And there was no one there to help me. It seems like that sometimes. A lot of time my dreams do reveal what I fear most, which losing my kids is always at the top of the charts. I don't fear doing things alone, but I don't like limited choices I have to make in situations presented to me. Like someone robbing my home, I get my kids out first. And fight the bad guy if it's my kids he wants. I don't usually win.

I used to be so afraid of people giving me shots. I'm not sure what made me so afraid, I just didn't like it. So teachers and counselers and whoever I hated especially would run around chasing me with needles.

That was a little graphic.

Yeah I think I'm done now.

If only I were perfect.

You have no idea what a relief it is to put that all behind me. Like the weight of several years have been lifted off. Not that I would do it every day of my life, but hopefully I won't have to for the next few years. (I doubt I will be good enough to not have to ask for forgiveness ever again.)

Looks like the girls and I are traveling today with my mom. She works several jobs in different stores throughout the mid-michigan area. The girls and I like to tag along for the ride and the change of scenery.

I really don't have that much packing left. Only 2 more days until we are in Florida! AHHH!!!! I am so excited.

Yeah for me, it gets down to the last 2 or so days and I just can't stand waiting. Disney is going to be so much fun for the girls.