Crazy, I'm thinkin, as long as the world is round....

I'm bummed today. I don't know what I did to get this way. It might be that it is snowing again, and I really want spring to get here. I know, I know, it's February. Yeah, we'll blame it on the weather.

I'm frustrated with life at the moment. It's just one of those days. One of those weeks. I'm tired of being the safety net mom who takes care of everything, and doesn't step out of her "life" to just be herself. It's like I'm pinned down to this life, and I want to break free and just.....I don't know what I'd do! Maybe that's just it. I don't know where I'm going. All I can see is me in a house for the next 18 years wrestling and fighting to be myself, and failing miserably. Is that really the reality of my life?

I just hope I don't crack and go crazy.

My piano baby 

Anything and Everything

I just got up Cassie, and she is so cuddly and warm (yes she smells good too!). So we walked around the house, getting her first bottle around, and she was so sweet. I love my girls!

We got Mulan for Dar for her birthday, and there is this one scene when she is planning on leaving home to take her fathers place in the army, and it has really cool music during it. I've been looking at the soundtrack, but I don't think it has it on it. It has an Asian tint to it, but its like a cross between American rock and inspirational. How they could tie all those into one is amazing to me.

Yeah, so you can guess I love music, except for rap, and definitely all country. Well that's not exactly true, there are some oldies that they deem as country that I like, but hey, they're oldies right? They are in my book.

Anyways, this is pretty random for me today. I think if you keep listening to veggietales and princess sing-a-longs all day, you'd begin to really appreciate music too. Not that they are bad, but it gets kinda dull after a while. Especially with the princesses, they put this sickly sweet voice that closely imitates Cinderella to say gushy things in between songs. Its actually pretty annoying. But the girls like it, and my cousin talks like that on a regular basis, so I guess.....

Speaking of my cousin, her mother, yes, still my cousin.....and my mom and I went out to lunch yesterday. She is a very worldly woman. She's Catholic, who doesn't practice, and has been to numerous bible studies, and is pretty bible savvy for a Catholic. It's just like she doesn't get it. It doesn't apply to her. Or rather she doesn't apply it to her life. Don't get me wrong because this woman would do anything for you in a pinch. When my dad passed away, she was here for us in every way, shape, and form. She has a heart of gold whether it is misguided or not.

I know a lot of people who aren't in the position in their life to accept God, and live for him. And its like I mourn for them each day. Even if I am hopelessly flawed, I still can rely on God to get me through. What do they rely on? People around them? Their kids, parents, siblings? I know people can't be there all the time for you, only God can do that. Maybe they haven't realized that yet. Maybe their self-sufficiency has totally taken over. When they fear life, who do they turn to?

I guess its one of the unanswered questions in life.

Too serious

My husband complained I was being too serious when I write.

I love faint hints of smelly goodness. I have this body wash that I love to use, even if I am the only one that smells it on me, hey thats okay. I don't like most perfumes though, and frankly, neither does my husband.

So I usually have this faint hint of sugary smell to me lately, if anyone will get close enough to me to smell it, I don't know, it makes me calm and appriciate everything. I should wear more of it when I visit my in-laws. Maybe I'll just slather it on enough so it fills the whole house, and everyone will be peaceful and tranquil. What a nice visit that would be......

Enough dreaming. Its really interesting how smell effects people. I guess there was a study done on it, that certain smells attract men and women together. I can recall a case when my brother refused to date someone, based on what they smelled like. Not that it was a bad smell, just totally turned him off. My husband seems to crave my smell, he constantly tells me that I smell good. So smell your mate, don't be too obvious about it though...I don't think they will appriciate it very much if you keep sticking your nose in their face. I like it when Josh hugs me and as a sidenote says, ooh, you smell good today.

Wow, I'm halirious today. Sometimes I laugh out loud at some random thought I have, usually during a moment of silence, and people look at me weird. Half of them I'm sure think, why are you so happy? Some, are you laughing at me? And others, why are you laughing??? Sometimes I explain, but usually its way too involved, so I just say I had a funny thought, its hard to explain. And when I do explain, all those quarters and halves, give me a really weird look like, you're nuts. I guess I have a weird sense of humor.

A Success Story?

Wow, just wow. We've been having a rough week, and I was a bit discouraged yesterday. So, we went to church last night and just wow. Noel had talked about success, and his prophets of success were Noah, Jeremiah, and Ruth. They each had their own sorrows and tortures in life, and yet still called them a success story. Want to know why? Because they were faithful, honest, and obeyed God. Then he told about his next door neighbor, who he also deemed a success story. And also about an internet comment someone had left on his website.

I quit a "very good" job, and moved with my wife 8 months pregnant and this verse really explains why; It to me encapsulates what I was feeling and could not put into words. My bosses wanted me to advise people to purchase products and investments that were not necessarily good for them, of that they did not need, in order to benefit their business; I felt that it was my place to be helping clients in an honest and faith filled way. My employers just could not grasp that there was more to life than greed and personal gain. They even ridiculed that my wife stayed at home with our other children because, after all, if she worked we would have more money...I did not start reading the bible until my wife got me into it very recently, and I am finding that a lot of what I felt was right to do was there all the time in black and white if I only took the time to look.

And this is a success story of lives today. My husband and I were in pure shock as this flashed up on the huge screen in front of us. I actually grabbed his hand, surprisingly. I'm not an affectionate person at all, and don't like public affection. But I have my moments. I knew what this person was going through. I'd had seen it. We had lived it.

It was us.

And I never thought of us as a success story. But I know God deems us as one. Whether the world ridicules us or people turn us away, God still knows what is in store for us. I've been listening to a song, its called Never Alone, by Barlowgirl. I don't usually like girl bands, but these girls rock. They have a couple of awesome songs on their cd, the others are alright, very girl bandy. But Never Alone, which is by the far the best song on this cd, well here is the chorus.

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

How many times had I lived my life, clinging to the fact that God was taking care of us? Countless. You do what you got to do. You pack, you move, you take care of everyone to make sure they are okay, you keep things as normal as possible, and you cry later. You work through it, and each day gets easier. Definitely keep praying, God doesn't care if you pray little snipits throughout the day, I think he actually likes hearing from you continually. Maybe that's why he seems to laugh at my prayer so often, I can get pretty goofy sometimes. I know somewhere in the bible it says to pray and pray continually (Colossians 4:2 Continue earnestly in prayer....Acts 6:4 but we will give ourselves continually to prayer......), in another part, pray steadfast, (Romans 12:12 ....Continuing steadfastly in prayer) and 1 Thessalonians 5:17, pray without ceasing.

God isn't ready to give up on me yet.

The blueberry muffin thief strikes again! 

Inspiration

You know, I was reading some other blogs and one person had gone into detail of what they wanted their life to be like. A little surrealistic, but very fine tuned and detailed. I was inspired by it.

My best friend, whom I’ve know for, oh wow, 15 years, came over yesterday to tell me that she is moving next week. It’s not like we’ve never been separated before, remember I moved up to Marquette for a couple years. But it is her first venture away from home. Like me, she was a late-bloomer. Maybe that’s why we got along so great.

I knew she was moving but I was hoping I would have a little more time with her around. She was my maid of honor at my wedding and Laurel's godmother. We would workout at the gym each week and go out for coffee, (yes, I know, nullifies the point of working out.) But the best part of those workout sessions was the conversation. I would call it that we were getting a physical workout or an emotional workout. Either way I was satisfied. Being that she is Catholic, although not religiously, she had a lot of issues. The world seemed to have found her, and claimed her as its own. And she gave herself up to it. So her only source of wisdom and accountability was me. Yes. Unfortunately, God nagged at me constantly. I love her with all my heart, but deep down, I know that if I had not gotten married, I would be in that same spot she had gotten herself into.

You wonder why God does things.

You know what I really wanted to do with my life? I wanted to get an apartment high above a city, and live with my cat(s), writing songs until break of day. I’d probably have some day job, which I probably wouldn’t have been happy with, but I don’t think it would have mattered. I wanted to learn every instrument I got my hands on, and my poor neighbors would be enduring it through the night, because my mind just comes alive with melodies and harmonies. I don’t know how many times I’ve created a full orchestra piece in a night, just in my head, and I know exactly who was playing what, and when they came in. If I wasn’t so lazy, and being I have kids, (i.e. catch sleep when possible) I should have written all of it down, instead of sleep, or fooling myself into thinking that I would remember it in the morning. Yeah, I’m not sure I would have even gotten married, maybe if the right guy had come around. I’m not sure any guy would have pursued me, he’d really have to sweep me off my feet, I don’t know, I just have a feeling I’d been alone. Eventually, I would start to move around, I’d love to live in Paris, or London, with their little streets and marketplaces spattered all over the city. Where you walk and on one street corner is a bagpiper playing for a few coins, and on the other little stands selling odds and ends. It’s not like that here in America. People are so caught up in going to work and not following their passions. And this coming from a woman who dreams of living alone, and really wakes up to 3 kids, a husband, shares a house with her mother and brother, and is waiting for her chance to go to college, after the kids are in school. You make the best of what you have, and make sacrifices so that others lives are better. Most of the time I don’t mind.

And all my best friend wants out of life is a big bathtub.

Extroverts?

I ran across the personality test in Noel's site and it seemed to fit me almost perfectly. And trust me that is rare. So I sent it to my sister, wrote my blog yesterday touching a little bit on the topic of extroverts and my sister and I ended up talking about it. It made me realize something. Being an extrovert is a style of approaching people, more than a personality type. I find that extroverts tend to leave out personal things in their lives, when they talk to people. So really, are they relating? Yes, they can be. When they have their "group" of close people they talk about their personal strengths and weaknesses, then they are balanced. That also got me thinking about the extroverts who don't have that safe guard of close-knit people.

Since I'm an extreme case of introvert, I usually talk to me, myself, and I. Introducing someone else in my life was just not an option. I think though, that it is easier for an introvert, once they realize they need people, to find that group of safe people. They know what qualities they are looking for, because its modeled after their thought process, rather than the extroverts style of talk. We'll just say that introverts are extremely picky, and that causes more problems than anything. For an extrovert, its almost like you weed through people. Introverts, instinctly know who are the weeds and who the possibilities might be.

This isn't from experience though, coming from a person with me, myself and I as my safe group. Trying to break out first is the hardest part to an introverts life. Finding people who understand instantly? Almost impossible. Where do you go? Bars? Yeah, laughable. Parks? Too many dogs. Church? Wow, what a concept.

Isolation is way too easy. It is a convenient way of bowing out of complicated lives, and not getting involved and caring for others. I don't care if you are an introvert or an extrovert, if you keep people at bay, you're alone. And I think, no, I know that God didn't intended this for us. Seeking out relationships, is one way to find that there are people out there who feel the same way you do. You find your struggles are the same, even if you are in different walks of life. Think if you can coach others through what you've experienced. Or here's a shocker, they could help you! I wasted my whole life, blocking people out of something that could have benefited everyone. It's not worth it. I'd suggest you start to get involved, and not just involved but interacting with others. Then you find out that people aren't so terribly different than you think. And don't get discouraged, God has someone in mind just for you to relate to.

The black sheep

Black sheep: One person in a family who is not accepted for who they are. They can't do anything right, and what they choose to do, doesn't go with the flow of the normal sheep.

Well, my brother was sick last night. So mom babied him senseless, she got him his every wish and said, "I know I like being babied when I'm sick, I usually don't get that." (A common reply.) Then I said, "except when I called Jeff for Coca-cola last time your were sick, because you had a craving for it." "Yes," she said, "that was good, I really appreciated that." It took her a good 4 weeks before I was able to drag out of her that she admits to enjoying or appreciating something. Its like it offends her pride. Maybe thats why I always felt like I was failing her. Maybe I really wasn't the one failing after all.

I always thought of myself as the black sheep. My mom, my sister, and my brother are all extroverts. They all can make friends fast and are very bold in everything they do. My dad was like that as well. So where do I come from? I think I was so jealous of their personality types, that I hated them for it. They never seemed to understand, and so I shut myself down even more. So no one could possibly understand me. Nor did I care that they did.

Then came along my husband, an extrovert as well, although he has a few introvert tendencies. Analytical, could think of plans all the way through and knew how to execute them. I don't even know what made me like him. All my friends told me they hated him. My mother wasn't too fond of him, and my brother just thought he was better than my last boyfriend, which didn't take much to accomplish that. Another black sheep. Just my type.

So we dated for 3 years before we got married. We knew within the first 6 months that we were getting married. The weird part is I didn't know how much of a black sheep my husband was with his family until maybe a year ago. And thats when the real changes began. We stepped out of our family traditions and took riskier jobs than the usual blue collar. We started going to church, a protestant church, which Josh's Catholic parents are still not too thrilled about. In fact, a friend of mine and a Catholic as well, is also friends with Josh's mom. I was talking to her about our new church, she had heard through the Catholic grapevine (ie my mother-in-law) and she had the guts to say, "I know, I'm sorry." I'm sorry? I understand for Catholics it's like instant death to leave "true faith" because if you aren't Catholic, you are not in the kingdom of God. I'm not sorry. God has blessed me more because I stepped out in faith, and took my husband to a church which he is learning more from than he ever learned in all the masses he went to. We step out in faith to take those jobs, so Josh could learn and accept a better job which he is now more prepared for. We have moved in and out of parents houses and apartments, trying to secure a job, which now we are blessed with, because we believed that God would see us through it all. And He has. Am I sorry? In no way, shape or form.

So what does this tie into being a black sheep? Even black sheep can accomplish many things. God loves the black sheep, because they are already broken, He mends them, uses them and achieves great things with them. Now we have a family of all black sheep. I know my girls will have greatness blessed upon them, because God has already granted them to do so many great things.

Isaiah 55:11

One of the pastors at our church started a proverbs series. We read a chapter of proverbs a day, and then he posts on his site his thoughts. Then we can make comments, etc. Well, the word never returns void, huh?

My husband has a candle business on the side. Josh recently started a new job, but in the process of getting his licenses updated, he is working temporarily until April, so we get a paycheck. So we are very busy. He let the candle company know he was going to be busy, so they would understand that he couldn't take on a lot, but he would free up in April.

They sent an email on Thursday, which he neglected to reply to. So they sent another email yesterday, not as nice as the first one. So Josh was a little upset.

I proceeded to tell him how I saw the situation, and he got terribly defensive. So I backed out, walked away, and said, okay if you don't want to listen to me, and get defensive, then I won't say anything.

He must of thought on this for 5 minutes or so. Then came out to the kitchen. "Honey?"he said,"I'm sorry I wasn't listening to what you said and I was being stubborn about it. I want to hear what you have to say about this..... Have at it."

Thankfully I didn't sputter or faint, and told him what I saw, "They weren't so happy a month ago when you told them you took on 2 jobs and would try to do as much as possible, but they had to be patient. They wrote you Thursday for an update, and today they wrote a more threatening note because you didn't respond."

He nodded, then said, "I should call to apologize."

"Tonight?" I said almost in shock.

"Yes. I might as well do it tonight."

After he got off the phone, he said he didn't realize he was doing such a poor job communicating.

Given that a year ago, Josh wouldn't have stopped to think maybe he was the wrong one, much less apologize for it. He wouldn't have called to say he was wrong or that he should have done better. In fact, a year ago, he would have been yelling and throwing an adult temper tantrum, that would have lasted throughout the night. And everyone would have been miserable. He would have been at odds with the candle company because he wouldn't have taken the time to solve it. This, my friends, is a changed man. One who has been in the Word each night. Whom I proudly call my husband.

Yes, I think he may be learning more from this proverb series than I am. I'd like to say I had all the wisdom in the world, but God hasn't allowed me that yet. How many times in the last week has he stopped himself? I'm almost certain its been countless. What a blessing.

Prayer

Sometimes I am called to pray for certain people. Especially people I have officially met once, and see all the time.

I work out once a week at a gym, and one of the ladies that works there is always grumpy and has her nose in the air. God instantly called me to pray for her. I said, her? You want her to go to a church? You want her to become a member of your family? You want me to pray for her????

You'll never guess who showed up last week at my church.

Yes, the same woman. You'd think I'd learn. But no, I've been called to pray for a certain person for about a month now. They have been having family problems, so I instantly prayed for the family. But God said, no. Pray for him. My flesh cries out, but God he is so blessed and you want me to pray?

God isn't laughing at my prayers now. He's a bit more stern. Call me crazy. Call me a mystic. But I follow my heart. So this morning I sat down and prayed for him. We will see where God leads him in his life.

Blueberry madness!

Oooh....I always get this warm feeling when eating a warm, fresh out of the oven, blueberry muffin. It's my blueberry bliss. What makes it so good, is my memories associated with it.

When we first had Laurel, Josh liked me to get up with him in the mornings, and make breakfast. We had a routine going, he jumped into the shower, I'd put on the coffee, and start up the stove, to make him eggs or waffles. But the greatest mornings were with blueberry muffins. Something about these muffins make you feel all comfortable and ready to start your day.

I also went to a friends house early in the morning, before our playgroup, and made muffins for them. I think usually her husband fends for himself in the mornings and he really appreciated it.

Then, my girls got old enough and I'd set them out on a plate. Within a matter of seconds there would be a few stolen off the plate. In the living room, they'd be all snuggled up on the couch, enjoying their pillage.

My blueberry blissdom has rubbed off. Not only do I enjoy these muffins of joy, I have a few converts as well. I am so glad that God put the man on the earth that baked these up. How would I ever live without them?

Perseverance

I guess this goes with the Don't conform to the pattern of this world thing.

My in-laws have been bugging me about my middle daughter and that her birthday was coming up. Now you have to understand. Their idea of birthdays is celebrating all day long, visiting each restaurant to get the freebies, and having the whole family over, for cake and ice cream and tons of presents.

However, my daughter is a loner.

So, everytime we do something big, she runs off and plays by herself, to get away from the commotion. If you bring her back out to enjoy the "fun," she cries and gets really cranky. I knew this wasn't going to work.

So at first I avoided the issue.

Then I made excuses, oh I guess I haven't thought about it.

Then I said, with all honesty, "You know? I feel it isn't the way to go. Adara doesn't like big celebrations."

My husband got really angry at me. My mom kept trying to get cupcakes and candles and all the extras. My in-laws figured I really hated them, and was trying to keep the kids away from them. I had caused an instant revolt.

So yesterday came, my daughters 2nd birthday. We woke up with the kids and started to sing with them. We ate breakfast, and then decided to open presents. We brought out two regular candles for her blow out. She was so excited about the flames she tried to touch it and I neatly blew it out before her nimble fingers reached it. She opened the first one and we got her a movie I knew she would like. Then the big present from Grandma, (my mother) she opened it, and surprise! It was an elmo, my mom had watched and waited for a sale on, that did the YMCA elmo style. She let out a squeal and hugged the poor monster senseless.


We called up Josh's parents and went over to see them. They pulled out their presents as well and we ended up having eggs and sausage, for lunch, with brownies as the cake. When we packed up to go home, I knew I had done the right thing. Adara was so pleased with the day, she hadn't thrown a temper tantrum, cried, or screamed. She didn't take a nap. She was the happiest kid alive, all because I went with my intuition and kept her day low-key. She didn't even go to bed with a fuss. Now thats a happy kid.

I think the toughest part of it all was the fact everyone had turned their back on my decision. And I think if I didn't feel so strongly, I would have given up to it. But I persevered, and kept going because I knew Adara wasn't much for parties. I had to fine tune to my child's needs. Even though at the begining I did the wrong thing, I ended up doing what was right, by being honest and standing firm.

How many times have I fallen short? Many. But I am human. I think I finally learned my lesson God has been so teaching me. To persevere, to stand for what you believe in, and be honest the first time, no matter what the cost. Hopefully next week, my family will like me again....

Oh no! Hat!

Okay I know this sounds odd, but Josh, my husband, Laurel, my daughter and I were walking to our car last night and doing that game, 123 jump. You know the one, one parent on each side, you count, and swing the kid on 3. We always make them count. Anyways, we stepped off the sidewalk, as we were coming out of church and my daughter cries out, "Oh no! Hat!" So we stop and pick up the lost little hat, and refit it to her head. Then as if nothing has changed we start the game again.

I wish my life was so simple. Don't we all? I get up in the morning with my girls and its like I am a slave for a good half an hour. I change diapers, get cereal, milk, bottles and make sure Laurels routine runs smoothly. (yes she has created her own routine in the morning) If she cries then the others start crying so you do what you got to do.....

So many times I wonder if its worth it. Then I am reminded that God calls us to be servants. He never said we were going to get the easy life and I have to hand it to Him, He was right. In fact, I find that my life can be harder because I do believe in God. Satan seeks those who actively live for God. The devil doesn't want anyone following God. He'd much rather have a neutral person than a Godly person. We always used to call these neutral people, pew warmers. They come to church to warm the pew, and act like they are gracing God's presence when God is really blessing us. Luckily for them, the word of God never returns void. (Isaiah 55:11)

So I don't really wish for the simple life, because that would mean a life without God. And is that really worth it?

What kind of wisdom do you seek?

The two wisest people in my life were my dad and my Uncle Gary. Now my dad was a given, I only knew him for 9 years and respected what he had to say. I had to. My Uncle Gary has a lot of charm. Walking up to this man, you would instantly feel fear and almost belittled before he even spoke. He had an opinion about everything, he knew what was going on in the world, and even decided what his next soapbox was going to be. But his biggest complaint was ignorant people. I would marvel at the conversations between my dad and him, the comments flew from one corner of the room to the next. They would laugh. They would be in remorse. They knew everything.

What I didn't realize then, was that wisdom is not obtained by the vast knowledge these two had, but they got it from experiences. From age. Do I think that they were young and foolish at one time? Probably. That was how they learned.

As I got older, I realized my role-models had changed. I used to work for a woman who was the pastor's wife. She was strict. I can remember my mother saying she reminded her of the nuns in the catholic school. And yet, there was more to this woman than that. I attribute most of my tendencies to be modeled after her. She loved things straight, not perfect, clean, and done right. If there was a more efficient way that produced the same or better results, she would use it. She was not afraid of change. And to top this woman off, she was a model behavior of how a Godly woman really acts. I don't know if I ever thanked her for being that kind of model for my life. I was going through some tough times then. I still think of her with fondness. She had an ageless wisdom beyond even her years, which were many. She knew a lot, and would admit when she didn't know something. She was always gracious when teaching something you didn't know already.

I think I have to also say something about the wisdom of my brother, Jeff. He is 2 years younger than me, and I never would have said he was wise until after I moved out and got married. Here is living proof that you can be wise and be young as well. I don't know how many people he has counseled, and he has a good gift for this. That's not to say he is perfect, because he's not. Being that he is in college, he thinks he knows everything, in fact, he insists that he does. We've gotten into many disagreements over this. When he puts his arrogance aside, he's a brilliant man. He loves the Lord and he seeks good relationships. His heart is almost always in the right place and he knows what to say and how to comfort. Did I mention he loves the Lord? Yeah, that is worth mentioning twice.

I've been reading proverbs these last 2 weeks. And I'm realizing that I want to be wise, but I've seen 2 kinds of wisdom. Earthly wisdom, which was my father and my uncle, and Godly wisdom, which is the pastor's wife and my brother. Earthly wisdom is so bitter and useless, what are we to do with it when we die? We lose all of it. But Godly wisdom is applicable after we have left this life. In fact, God blesses us more because we seek it here on earth. A friend of mine used to parallel this to the crown you get in heaven. How many jewels are you going to have on your crown? I hope I have a jewel, no matter how small, for my Godly wisdom.

Romans 12:2

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good , pleasing and perfect will.

Seems so easy right? Don't become like the world, and you will know and approve of Gods will. Then again.... What does it mean to conform any longer to the pattern of the world? Does it really matter what the world thinks of you? With my kids, I find my way of raising them is different than the world today. When my husband and I decided to have kids, we knew right away that I was going to be a stay at home mom. There was no doubt in our minds of this. However in this day and age, being a stay at home mom is frowned upon. That second income (ie money) rules more than the future of our children! Now there are exceptions to the rule, single parents have no choice but to work, or one spouse isn't physically able to work. I know this, but I refuse to believe that with two people in a marriage, you can't take the time to stay at home, even just for those first few essential years before they are in school. I have dreams too, and they certainly weren't to be a mom all my life. I fought God long and hard because I wanted to be myself, and not lost in my kids. And I really think that God accomplished much more in me because I gave in to Him. I know I can suffer my career for my kids and in return, remember I was the one who raised them to do good in this world, which by the way is a rarity. Do we as a society know how important it is to teach our children how to act and not conform them to our schedule? Kids don't understand how to grow, they learn to adapt to the situation. I'd rather my kids situation be in love, and learn the basic values to be strong with their faith, before I head them off to school. It is a struggle to stay home, juggle your household on one income, try not to go crazy with the kids, and know that God will provide your every need. I know, I live it every day. And I trust in the reassurance of God. He has always brought us through.

So don't conform to the world? Take a good look at what the world says, and then take a better look at what the bible says. I think the answer is pretty obvious, not easy, but obvious.

And you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.

My little prayer warrior

I think God chuckles when I pray. I can almost hear his hearty laughter each time I say something that amuses Him. I am bluntly honest with Him, and lately I have been so joyful; He is just happy that I am so excited to be alive. So much of my life was wasted on being angry and bitter, and now? I pray with a joyful heart.

There has been times of late I haven't been so happy. A good friend of mine had chest pains recently so she went into the doctor. When I found out, I immediately went to my room, fell to my knees (a gesture I don't usually do) and prayed a prayer of healing. My 3 year old daughter came in, and I started to cry. Now I don't usually cry but I could actually feel my friends pain. My daughter saw me crying and I said "Mommy hurts, because her friend hurts too." We had been teaching her how to pray at dinner time and I took the opportunity to teach her to pray when we are in need. So I said a simple prayer for her to repeat after me. When we said amen, suddenly, it was like a load had been lifted off my shoulders. What a blessing.

I will make prayer warriors out of my daughters yet.

What a Woman.

My dad died when I was 9, and it opened up a whole new world to me. Instantly, I became self-sufficient, transformed into a mini-adult, and learned how to take care of others first before myself. Now when tragedy strikes, I go into this mode and accomplish great things. But on the down time? I'm afraid of everything.

Yes, scared. I have a great fear of meeting new people. I can talk to a person for the first time, though this has taken me years to do that. After that first meeting, I can't help but think, how am I suppose to walk up to them again? Do we really have anything in common? So I just don't talk to them again. Ever. I have few close friends I met in high school, but when I find people I really connect with, I stay friends with them for life. So in the end its not so bad, because I know they will meet the surrealistic goal of "friends forever."

I play the piano and cello, and am pretty proficient at it. Although I get really nervous before performing, I manage to get through it, usually with flying colors. And people say, you get nervous? Maybe I hide it well. The only time I don't get nervous while performing is when it is my own songs. I may be concerned what others think, but really, I don't even care. Its my music and its the way I like it.

God has always been good to me. Although I really didn't start getting to know Him until recently. All those years of being in church, and I still didn't get it. I'm not sure I wanted to. I hated church, just because my mom always forced us to go. In a sense it was good, because His word never returns void. In a larger sense, it would hurt my chances for a good relationship with God earlier in my life. After I got married and moved out, I can count on one hand how many times I went to church in those 3 years. I woke up one day and realized my life wasn't going anywhere good, and prayed I would get into a good church. Next thing I know, my husband loses his job, and we move closer to family. My brother had been attending a younger church, focused on the college aged group and told me I should try it out. So I went to see what it was all about. I wasn't sure about it at first, it was so different. So I went each sunday for a month, then I took my husband and then the kids. I think I'm a totally different person now than I was before I went there. What a difference this church has made in my life.

So there you have it, a God fearing, reserved, self-sufficient, did I mention afraid of human contact, woman. What a woman.

Me 

Aww, my Cassie is asleep

Keep expanding....

Do you notice that when you look at blogs, that the title says everything. Everyone looks at the title and wonders....why? Some people are really good at explaining their title, some...well are not. Some titles are to explain how they are feeling that day.

Anyways, not too efficient today, like I said, I have 3 kids, and they are being angels today! So I've been relaxing and looking up stuff online to pass the time. It's been fun. Haven't done my dishes though....maybe I'll think about that for a while.

I tend to be really shy, so this blogging thing, I guess is a way for me to expand my horizons. Who knows maybe I'll break out and realize the world isn't so bad...then again....

me