I have been playing around with a little program called Google Earth. It has satilite pictures of everything in the US and UK mostly, especially the major cities. I've been around the world in one day (seventy-nine to go).

And no one else is really excited with me about this program. It just interests me. It amuses me. Fun stuff.

Other than that we are pretty much set for Christmas.

One last thing.

You know that whole reflector business? How we were severely saving? That bill had to be paid earlier this month. We didn't really have much time to save for it, and managed to get all of the money (barely). So Josh went to pay it, and they told him that if he paid it before the due date, we wouldn't have to pay the interest. Which we didn't know, the letter they had sent us was poorly worded. He had went in the day before it was due, so we didn't have to pay the interest. Isn't that too cool?

Tis the season

Last year on Christmas Eve, Josh and I were in the ER because I passed out and busted my lip. It wasn't the greatest feeling in the world, waking up and seeing blood on the floor. After I noticed the blood I started to panic because I didn't recognize where I was. That is really scary, let me tell you. Foreshadowing for my future? I hope not.

Well Cassie decided to continue the Christmas tradition. She was playing with her sisters and fell and busted her lip in our hall. However, we didn't have to make a trip to ER and it looks like she'll make it. Just in time for Christmas.

Happy Honda Days.

Have you seen that ad on tv singing happy Honda days? I don't know why but that really annoyed me this year. What a Christmas present. Your significant other buys you a brand new vehicle for Christmas. Doesn't that seem a little extravagant to anyone else? I just can't see surprising them with a vehicle you're not sure they even want, and have to pay for 5 years for a one time Christmas present.

I'd like to see one payments worth of money that went into that. If they didn't buy it outright.

Bah humbug.

I'd really like to do a no gift Christmas. It seems required now, and that's not what giving gifts is about. I told Josh that I would buy gifts for my family and he could buy gifts for his family. But he didn't go for it. So for everyone's information, I bought the gifts, you can blame me if you hate it, and Josh only signed his name and probably will make the girls sign it themselves. A nice touch, I suppose.

I'm quirky and rather droll today.

Do you ever wonder if all the things in your life are preparing you for the future? It's like everything I do is for survival, or planning on surviving. It's almost like finding a place to hide from the "bad guys" and realizing that the place wasn't such a good hiding place because you backed yourself into a corner with no way out if they find you. Or like with Cassie, I knew she was going to be okay, because I had busted my lip last year, and I knew how to help her so she didn't hurt so much. Isn't that weird? Coincidence? I'm not sure.

I learn by repetition, when it comes to life experiences. I'm not so great the first time around. But I get to the second or third time and I'm a pro. I learn quickly, by example, just not so perfect the first time around. I'm pretty sure it's pure luck if anyone is perfect the first time.

Or maybe they are just perfect, one day they will make a mistake and fall really hard. I think I like my way better, it's more accepting.

So foreshadowing for the future has great possibilities. How far in the future? We will never know. I've got a couple of theories though, but I've written enough for this post to be way too long already.

If I don't write again before Christmas, Merry Christmas everyone!

I'm pretty sure I don't live in the normal world that everyone else lives in. My world is at home and I hardly have intruders. It's a very safe environment because it is so controlled and cloistered, really. I know it isn't terribly practical, but it keeps me consistent and I know that in a few years when the girls are in school, I won't be confined just to the house. I'm not sure I'll know what to do with myself.

But I've noticed that the social aspect of me is going on a downhill trend. I don't even make eye contact anymore. And if I talk to anyone outside of my world, it's for very short periods of time. Seconds in fact. Not good.

I've never been the social butterfly, but I hate the fact that it's gotten worse. Like I have nothing to offer the world. And it's seriously how I feel. Because all I know is about my kids and housework, I have nothing to offer. Don't take me wrong because I'm not depressed, angry or lonely about it. And this is not a pity party for me either.

I'm just not sure what to talk about anymore that isn't just cracking jokes and small talk that I don't even participate in. I guess, really, first and foremost I am a mom. I take my job as a mom seriously. I want my kids to turn out exceptional, surprising and interesting. And I think dedicating my time to that is one of the most important things in my life.

So, yes, I am content with my life. I may have regrets, and things I would rather do. But I find contentment by enjoying whatever season you are in, in life. And though I doubt now will be my favorite season, it will definitely be the most interesting one.

So it continues...

White Christmas

We've been watching White Christmas today, Dar has been wanting to. It has a ton of dancing and songs, and it makes me wonder how they could put something like that together. Think how much went into it, not only did they have lines, but they choreographed it and sang as well, and it's not simple melody lines like we hear so much now, it has harmonies and complex themes in such a simple time period.

You'd really have to know what you were doing. Be the best of the best. It isn't like that anymore. Not really. But we don't have the fake happiness thing anymore, it's more closer to home, most times anyways.

And they use words like swell.

Who says swell?

Who wants to say swell?

Proves my point. No one wants to say swell anymore. Not even me, not that I would have in that time period. But it was much cooler back then.

One thing I have to say is that no matter how ridiculously dorky Danny Kaye is, he is still awesome beyond belief.

Cassie is a 2 year old

You know how sometimes one sentence or verse just sticks out there. And it keeps coming back to haunt you as if saying, "You aren't listening to me..."

Well this verse keeps popping up everywhere for the last year for me.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39

Is it just that I'm stupid enough not to comprehend the simplicity of God just loving us? You know maybe it's just beyond me. I'm just too stubborn to trust something so simple, and not even just trust it, but believe it, walk it.

Well, Cassie is definitely 2. In one day she managed to keep me so much on my toes that I couldn't let one second go by without her in my sight.

So I was cleaning crayon off with one of those Mr Clean Magic Eraser things, and ended up getting interpreted so I laid it on the counter. After I got everything settled back down, I started to do dishes and forgot totally about the Magic Eraser. I hadn't heard the girls for a while, so I checked up on them. Dar was playing quietly and Cassie was chewing on some blue foam. I just looked at her and thought it was one of their toys or something. Until it dawned on me several minutes later that the Eraser was no longer on my counter. I ran into the room and she had ripped it apart, shredded it, more like it, and eaten most of it. She wasn't in the room as I picked up the remaining pieces.

She was in the kitchen, unloading a full diaper, and writing with it.

So I changed her and got everything cleaned up when I walked out to her playing with my computer and munching on my mouse pad! (Yes, I have half a mouse pad as we speak) After I chased her out and picked up that, she had unloaded yet another diaper, and that was the last straw. I put her in a timeout chair. Cleaned everything up and carried her around with me everywhere I went. Seriously.

Even then she still got into things, and out of things, (like diapers) so I clothed her in clothes I knew she couldn't get off, and didn't take an eye off of her for the rest of the day.

When Josh got home I walked out and handed her over, and said, "Don't take your eyes off her, don't even think about setting her down and letting her roam the house." He was pretty shocked and maybe terrified as well... Then he said to Cassie, "You aren't suppose to be like Uncle Barney. Uncle Barney is suppose to get a kid like himself, not me." Needless to say, Cassie was very good when Josh was home.

Did I mention she also got crayons and ate them, and started stabbing Kix and Cherrios with the end of a toy, picking them up like those garbage pokers, or that she dumped chicken soup all over the floor and the girls thought it would be nice to help mom out by getting out the brooms and spreading it all across the kitchen floor? Yeah, I didn't think so.

I love 2 year olds.

Especially when you have a 2 year old, and an 18 month old acting like a 2 year old.

Makes it fun.

Okay it's not as bad as it sounds, but it does keep you busy. And she goes in streaks, several days of super goodness, and one day of the purest evil.

Nails

I've been busy, yet not, lately.

My mom and I are in a bible study together with 3 other women. It's fun to watch each person and their reactions to others in the group. Not even that it's fun but interesting, something I've always been interested in is human behavior, what makes people tick.

I told a story about a pastor I knew pretty well. He told me his relationship with God wasn't right, so he decided to grow a beard because it irritated him and he would only shave it off when he was right with God. I always thought what an awesome thing, because there are always times when I've been lazy with my relationship with God, as if it's not important to me. "God will be there tomorrow." So I think.

So I took a long time to think of the one thing that really irritates me. I finally decided it is long nails. I know, I know, sounds crazy that a woman wouldn't want long nails, and I don't care if anyone else does have them. In fact, I have really great nails for growing, they don't peel, crack or anything. I just like playing the piano more, and nails get in the way.

I don't feel my relationship is right with God, which is my point of this whole story, and for accountabilities sake, I'm going to let my nails grow. So when you see me next and I have cut my fingernails, be happy with me that God and I got it straight.

Or I'm going to have incredibly long nails that are gross and curl and...

No I promise. I'll have them cut by then...

I hope.

National Day

All in one day we had this extreme windstorm, and the leaves are gone. Even my neighbors beautiful reds and oranges. Yup, looks more like winter to me.

It's so hard to believe that thanksgiving is coming up. It just doesn't feel like the holiday season this year. Not that it matters to me, since I really don't care about the holidays to begin with. I mean it's great to celebrate a day for Christ's birthday, don't get me wrong. We celebrate his death as well. Get that. Or rather we celebrate that he rose from the dead. I think that made it a little weirder. But it's true.

It's interesting what holidays stuck that we celebrate. You can look at the paper and in the corner of either the living section, or on the front page it says, it's national blah blah day. There is a "special" day for every single day of our lives, I'm not even sure it's consistent from year to year. Anybody print in the paper it's national get a new nose ring day, and nose ring sales will increase at least 25%.

Ooh! What a marketing tool. Buy the papers national day, (I'm pretty sure it's different for each paper) and say it's National Ford Focus Day. Or National drinking from dixie cups day. Could you imagine how crazy that would be? It could be a cliffhanger for the paper. So what day is it today??? What do I get to buy today? Stores would wrap the papers up so you couldn't cheat and not buy the paper, or they'd put a strategically placed stickers on newspaper boxes. It could be quite the thing.

But the whole national day thing hasn't taken off yet anyways, so don't get your hopes up on buying more stuff you probably don't need. Like more dixie cups. If you use dixie cups, you just saved yourself a buck. But on the Mel website I don't expect you to buy anything. At all.

So it's National Coca-Cola Day on Mel's website.

I could get to like this. Especially if they reimburse me for advertising.

Whoa, long post, I guess to make up for the lack of posts.

I'm about to do the unforgivable.

Happy birthday Glenn!

Alright I got that out of my system.

Okay, so it wasn't bad, but after having a birthday for such long time, it's time to turn the tables and commemorate how many years he's put into this life. Congratulations.

Today is such a gorgeous day. Perfect fall weather and all that jazz. The leaves (okay what's left) are in awesome shades of orange and red around our house, our neighbor always has gorgeous trees this time of year. Almost turns your mood upside down and around, just looking out the window.

Did I ever mention how much I hate money? It seems like it just rules my life, I wonder when and if it'll end. We're saving for a loan (from college, we have to pay early) and we'll make it but it's tight. Thank goodness we already have the girls Christmas presents, or that would have been the next thing to cut. It's just crazy, but it does prove one thing; we can save when it's important. And it hasn't been all us either. We got a good sum because our neighbor decided to log out his trees so the logging company went around to the neighbors here in the area, so they didn't have to move all their equipment everyday, and got quite a few people to make it worth it for the loggers to come out. Well, my mom decided to give us some of it, otherwise we would have been squeezing pennies out of our vehicles and under the dresser, although it's gotten pretty close to that. That is when I know it's the end of the line for our money usage. When I start raiding the penny jars. I've lived through enough times of tightness to know the signs.

God has been gracious. If it weren't for the extra money, we might not make it. We have been lucky. However it gets me thinking about how I only half depend on God to get me through. And I say half because I seem to always have a plan B if God doesn't come through for us. And I know He always has in the past. But out of instinct I still plan. I don't worry, unless I'm threatened. Okay let me give you an example.

I was running and one of the perks of running on the road is it doesn't cost a thing for me to run. I have shoes, I have clothes (thank goodness) but as it got darker in the morning, before the time change, I started getting beeped at and finally someone stopped and told me I need reflectors of some sort. I was so angry because I knew we had no money for that kind of purchase (yes, we are that tight.) And I fought with myself and God and cried, which by the way, crying and running doesn't mix. You wheeze, your throat gets really tight, and you start seeing what looks like newspapers swirling in front of your face because you aren't getting enough oxygen to your brain. Needless to say you need to stop until most of the sobbing is done, and go on.

After the crying spell was reduced to just tears, and I got my breathing back under control, I was so angry at God. And it wasn't God's fault. Not totally anyways. But I had everything in place to pay off that loan and I seriously needed to get some reflectors to ensure the fact that I will live to see the day I pay off that loan.

Now I have to say I was mad at God for quite some time, I found a credit card with some money left on it and bought the stupid reflectors. (I am going to be paying over and over again in interest on those reflectors) And I finally got over my anger at God and sincerely apologized, when one of our direct bills that gets pulled out of our account that I thought was already paid, got pulled out and overdrafted our bank account, several times over because checks came out that day.

So again, I was angry at God. I had specifically asked for help in the financial department after that reflector business. Well, Josh called the bank and got it down to one overdraft, we would have been paying close to a hundred, just to the bank alone, that we didn't have. So Josh and I sat down again, and figured out to the penny what we needed to reach our goal. And Josh didn't know we were so tight until then. He was wondering why I would be disturbed with him buying flowers for me. You got to understand, Josh only buys me flowers when we are really tight so I don't enjoy them. I look at them and start thinking of all the things we could have bought with that money.

So this time I was rather apprehensive to apologize to God because record shows I would be getting mad all over again. But I did it anyways, and looking back it's kinda funny, I want so badly to believe God will see us through and when something stupid that I know is my fault bubbles up to the surface, I get angry at God mostly for my own character. I am really mad at myself and I admit it. And it's not like God has to grant whatever I want either. I just expect him to. And however much wrong that is, I really want to have someone to depend on to get me through every mess I get into. So I chose God. Hopefully in the future I will keep choosing God no matter how much I think He is letting me down. I know He's looking out for the best for me, however hard that is for me to swallow.

Gulp.

Falling leaves

I really never thought I would actually hear the leaves falling. I figured it was just a funny little metaphor thing, and today there was frost on everything, so you could hear the leaves break from the tree and they whistled through the air to make a "pad" noise as they softly landed on the ground. It sounded like footsteps, through the woods all around me, which freaked me out while I was running until I figured it out.

Laurel's big Halloween party is today at school. So we rather frantically scoured our garage for something for her to wear. We managed to find a Belle costume. And out of the blue comment came from Josh. It was so important to him that Laurel had a costume today, because he could remember going to school not having one. Even a homemade one would do, he said. Kinda makes you think of all you take for granted.

I happened to sit down at the piano for a few minutes the other day and had one of those "perfect no note could be wrong" kind of days. I must of played for hours, and was only planning on 5 minutes. Just playing every song I've written and finished, even some I had been working on. And I haven't touched the piano since.

Actually I've been writing again. I used to write just notebooks full of stories and horrible poems for that matter (which I really didn't do for long, since I knew they were horrible to begin with). I always have ideas and call me crazy that my mind is creative. But I always figured that no one would want to hear what ideas I came up with, since I have such a dull life to begin with.

But I think that since my life isn't all that intriguing, my mind just might be. You know a whole opposites attract kind of thing, well, you get the point. Does that mean that people who have a "life" are the dullest people in their mind? Yeah, I better not ask.

Dar is talking my ear off, so I better go.

Well I never thought for one second that I would be so excited about getting a bed, but I am. The mattress is either coming on Wednesday, or this weekend. We got the plumbing all fixed and for a really good price, (which is so awesome) and I hope I hope I hope, that the lumber guy comes this week so we have the extra money to tune my piano.

Plus this weekend I'm going shopping with my two sister-in-laws and my mother-in-law, and I'm really excited for my sister-in-law because we're shopping for new business clothes. Give me maybe a year ago and I would have been super jealous. That's just how much I have changed. And no that wasn't a pride thing, I am just so horrendously happy for her it is really a relief that I'm not jealous and bitter. I never said I was perfect.

Anyways, I've been looking for a good beginner guitar, and I have no idea what to look for. So I've been trying to do a little research and well, we will see. I don't want to sacrifice quality for price, but it's slow going towards understanding anything about guitars. I'm not overall concerned about name brand, but I want a good sound, good fit and all that. I don't want to hate it, and resent the fact that I didn't have a lot of money to buy it. So I think I have to break down and visit one of our local music stores and ask questions to whoever happens to be working, and try some out, the really really poor guy (or girl) because I probably won't buy it there, and I will waste a ton of their time. Although if I go to the one I usually go to, I've spent more than a ton of money there in my lifetime, without wasting any time, so I think they might be owing me something, huh? I still feel sorry for them.

I broke out my cello, and for the first time in forever I didn't feel really guilty about it. Don't ask me, I just really love the idea of more than just one melody line like on the piano, (which cello is one melody line) and the kids were really excited to dance while I played. It was fun. Something different to dance to than just music blaring out my computer. Usually I play some songs I've composed on the computer and the girls sit there like groupies and sing along with it. It's halirious to hear Laurel and Dar sing in the car, I have this car cd I made up of different songs I've picked up, and they love Barlowgirls, but it's really fun to sing. And the girls love it.

That's it for now.

Anger, jealousy and disappointment

Yesterday I suddenly got really angry, jealous and disappointed because of a person. Actually it was more the reality of where I want to be and can't quite reach my goals yet, because I am in this huge waiting phase in my life. I know I'm supposed to be waiting and learning, (I don't want to be) and I fight against it everyday of my life. As I welled up with those emotions, I felt pretty crappy about the whole ordeal, and did the totally unexpected.

I paid that person a complement.

I am not exactly sure how I knew I needed to do it, but I felt a hundred percent better. It was even something nice about what I was angry about. It was the truth as well (that helps). Which is totally off the wall for me, (not the truth, but the complement) because 1. I don't pay complements unless I really am really, really awed about something, and 2. I usually sit in my little world of hatred and mope about the pity of me.

The best part though is that I could see on their face that I made their day. Surprise, surprise, I was much happier that I impacted someone else's life in a positive way, and lifted them up, than any reason to make myself feel better. No pity party here.

And that is a change in pace.

Yeah, I highly recommend it.

Protecting yourself from disappointments

I tried explaining to my mom about setting yourself up so you aren't disappointed when you get to whatever you've prepared for. I do that. It's a defense mechanism, I am trying to protect myself from people. Even people who love me and wouldn't want to hurt me at all.

For example: When I used to play the piano for church, I would practice and practice, which is obviously the best thing to do, but in my mind I would have to vision that I did it perfectly. My defense mechanism is that I always mess up at least once when I perform, usually it's something small like style. But because I have the mind-set that I will mess up at least once, I always mess up. Once my mistake is past, I have a flawless performance. But it doesn't hurt so bad because I know I make mistakes, and I prepared to make a mistake instead of being perfect and disappointing myself when I fail.

The problem with this is that I am expecting less than I'm worth. I already know by how much I've practiced that I can have a flawless performance. I don't want to regret the fact that when it counts I am supposed to be perfect. I just end up beating myself over it.

It's much worse when I expect other people to perform to my standards (and I don't mean perform in the music sense). I tell myself that they have faults, and can let me down. So when they are less than perfect, I am not surprised or disappointed because I prepared for it.

I used to think that my boyfriends would always break up with me, way before any of them even thought of it. Looking back on it, I see that I probably led them to break up with me, because I didn't have the motivation to cultivate the relationship. I was too busy focusing on protecting my poor excuse of pride and self-worth, and breaking down relationships that had potential to be really great. And I don't mean in a love relationship either, because I am not even friends with these people, I didn't give them a chance to be my friend (because I was hurting myself,) after they figured out the relationship was less than desirable.

When I went to coffee the night before last, I realized that I have changed this perception. I know even if my sister-in-law gets angry with anything I say, she still loves me enough that she isn't going to knowingly try to hurt me. And vice-versa. But that's a trust that she has earned from me. I've known her for 3 years now, and to think that I've taken that long to come around, is amazing to me. And she hasn't just discarded me after lack of interest.

The same goes with Josh, he could have easily walked out on me, because I am a very hard person to live with. I expect too much out of him. And that motivates him in some ways to be a better person, but in other ways it's set him off because he can't reach my high standards.

But I guess I'm worth it. And any relationship my family and friends choose to stick out with me is greatly appreciated. I hope I can successfully live up to everyone else's character and stubbornness to see the relationship through.

Grisly Bear

Last night I went out for coffee, conversation, and de-stressing with my sister-in-law. And it just so amused me that they had a drink called the Grisly Bear, which was a vanilla caramel latte. So I order it, and my sister-in-law is like, what did you order??? A Grisly Bear, mostly because I wanted to say it out loud. So she let out this little laugh, and the guy probably heard me, so he yelled out, I need a Grisly Bear!

Well, it got to the point that a few orders were coming at a time, so the main guy asked if the other guy was making the Grisly Bear while he took the other orders, the guy's like I've got the Grisly Bear. So my sister-in-law said Oh, they said it two more times! And I couldn't help but laugh. Yeah, that started out our night. Silly and crazy, but fun.

And the Grisly Bear was really good, so I recommend it. But it will keep you awake, a good part of the night, be warned.

Church

Josh and I had a huge busy day on Sunday, we made it to church, I went with mom to work-out (which means: I work-out, and mom gets to sit in the whirlpool for a long time.) and went to Josh's company picnic.

Since our church is so far away, and we had a busy Sunday, the church we went to this week used be to my church as a kid. However it has changed hands, several times now, and there are still a lot of "cling-ons" if you will, staying at the particular building. I got to see a lot of old faces, get a few hugs and so on.

We chose a pew and started to watch the music team (didn't know any of the songs). I pick out the few who have talent, (ie way better than me) and watched them while they play. Then they started singing a version of a song we knew, so we tried singing it, except they kinda butchered it, but oh well, their hearts are in the right place.

I sat down and right away I knew something was wrong. Now don't get confused over this, because I was all pumped up for a new experience at my old church, that I heard had a good speaker and good music (which was proven...well....like I said, their hearts are in the right place). And I wanted to see what had changed in the place I had once lived at (my mom was involved in everything). I had seen all the changes they did to the building, the additions, the actual "sanctuary" was turned into the kids ministry, with rooms where the pews used to be. I could have cried, I can remember many times I would walk up that aisle and watch the cross at the other end of the room, above the baptismal and just knelt and wept, especially when I was going through rough times. And when we were there at night, it was a very creepy but isolated room, I could always feel God's presence there, although now I'm not so sure it was the room that was doing it.

The cross now hangs in the new auditorium, painted beige, almost melting into the wallpaper.

I was listening to the speaker and there were a few things I didn't agree with, but it was a matter of opinion. Then as a whopper of a slap across the face, he started to take what he liked out of the verse and use it, saying the rest of the verse was not applicable! I think if I wasn't so stunned I would have walked out. I was hoping he just made a mistake, but his whole next point wrapped around that section of verse he had slaughtered.

After the sermon was done, Josh and I walked out of that church, and got in the car. Josh was rather silent at first, then said, Well? as if to initiate dialog. Well, I said, there were a lot of fallacies in his sermon I don't agree with. So we talked about the whole sermon itself, and Josh brought up the same verse I had problems with! So we started to look back and find all the good things about the sermon itself, and got a really good conversation going about it. We figured the only reason we were meant to go to that church was for that conversation.

We came home to mom who was watching the younger 2 kids, and she was the one who recommended the church to us, asked how it was. When we told her what happened she didn't believe us. She stressed it was a biblically sound speaker and church.

I think that was that point that I chose to step out from under my mother's authority, and instill my Word as truth, and if she chose not to believe me, that was for her to decide, I don't need to live up to her standards. She claims that her so called standards are in my head. And who knows, maybe, but they wouldn't be there if she hadn't given me a reason to believe that she had standards in the first place. There are a lot of great qualities about my mom, but when you are struggling to be an adult and free yourself from the adult rules of your childhood, it gets kinda tough, from both sides. When you know a person pretty well, sometimes you give into things that if it were any other person you would have some hope to persuade to see your side.

Well if anything, it made Josh and I really appriciate our church, which was not a problem, but it's nice to be re-enforced sometimes.

Sorry I really didn't mean to be talking about church, my prayers are that everyone is in a church they love, and if you aren't in one you love or in one at all, that you will find one.

Ramble, ramble, ramble.

You know, I notice so many thing about other people, especially people I don't know that I want to just walk up to them and tell them what's wrong. I'll be like the All-Knowing Lady or something, but with a cooler name.

Except for the whole other people don't want to know that they have problems, so they ignore that they are selfish, lazy, the list could go on forever. And since I am not part of the "friend" category or whatever, I would be the worst one to tell them. So I stay silent.

I'm curious why God gave me this gift. To someone horribly blessed with natural popularity, it would be an awesome gift. You could shape millions of people lives and help them change for the greater good. And no one would hate you! What could be better?!

God knows I love to learn these things, about human character in general. And today I just was being outrageously outgoing, I said hi to people that I haven't talked to in years, (before, I would shy away and embarrassingly shuffle my cart around the store) I teased an older guy who was in line with me (when I usually just don't talk to, well, anyone) It reminded me of my dad and my mom and my brother for that matter... Yeah everybody talks and teases (with complete strangers!) in my family, except for me.

Well, today, black sheep no more.

We'll see.

Adios.

Character

Yesterday, Laurel started to tell me about her day at preschool. Before she would cry the whole way home (because she didn't want to leave preschool) and was angry at me for picking her up. So I couldn't get a word out of her.

And you know what she told me about preschool?

That Madelene got hurt and cried, which she did. And she got a bright green bandaid.

She learns a lot there, I can tell.

Actually I went into the classroom and the teacher dismissed them one by one, as the parent came in, so they were all listening to the teacher. Which is really great. So she's starting to listen to other adults and respect them. (Yes very good.)

We just got into this huge thing about discipline just a couple weeks ago, (not with Laurel, with another parent) and it had to do with respecting the adult in the classroom. She didn't believe in discipline at all, and we do. It was really crazy to believe, and we had to stand firm in our belief, that children need to have those rules and guidelines, and when they step over those rules, the guidelines need to be re-enforced. How is it that God expects any less of us? If we let our kids run around without having rules and such, how is that helping their character? I guess building character just isn't important anymore. Well guess what, it is to me, so I'm going to be the one parent that stands out and protests and the other parents are going to hate me and not let their kids come over to our house because they might actually learn some of that so called "character."

I love what I heard the other day about the best parental advice. It was actually Judge Judy who said it, (and I don't exactly believe most things she believes, but the quote is good) And it was (paraphrased, since I don't know the actual words she used): Until your kids are 18, you need to be a parent to them; you have all the time after they become an adult to be their "friend." Your kids will have plenty of friends up until that point.

I know a lot of parents who want to be friends to their kids, and really I wish they could see what it does to their character. I love my kids, but I love the fact that they respect me, and when they leave my house they respect whoever the adult is. I don't have to worry if my kids are being bad by disrespecting who is in charge or the other kids in the class.

And I'm going to be totally jealous of their friends until they turn 18.

Everything

I know I haven't been consistant in blogging, and honestly, I keep looking at the blank blogger screen and sit here for a very long time thinking about what I can write, with my mind just as blank as the screen before me.

It's really chilly here today. I thought that I would welcome the cold for great running weather, but I've forgotten how much it goes straight to your bones and you never really warm up. No, I much prefer the rainy weather to this.

I love Laurel being at school. I love the fact that I have 2 kids to dedicate my time to and that at the end of the day, I get to take a breather, and mom watches the other 2 while I pick-up Laurel. Laurel cries right now when she leaves, because she doesn't want to leave preschool. But hey, there are downsides to everything.

Dar seems to be benifiting from this too, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, it's like she becomes the oldest sister and she's been helping me out and just growing up. It's been nice, actually. She is going to be so excited to go to preschool the year after, since she already plays with kids pretty well (for a two year old).

Yeah this is rather informational, but hey, I can't be everything to everybody.

It's "called" a supply line.

Yeah I forgot about this until mom and I were just talking about it. And my mom thought I was lying, but oh well I'll tell it anyways (it IS the truth, it really happened).

Josh and his dad were fixing the toilet, as I so told you a few days ago or so. So we had to pick up a part to fix it, which happened to be a hose for the water line. So we got it all measured out and found out how many hoses there are for these, which we thought it was standard, everyone we talked to did. (Just goes to show you can't do what everyone does.) We go to check out and this guy runs it across the scanner, and tells my mom the price and all that. Mom writes out a check. "Who do I make it out to?" she asks. "Lowe's." (Yes for 2 bucks and some obscure little cents....) "And what is that part called?" "A toilet hose!" I pipe out. The cashier looks at me and says, "It's "called" a supply line." He must of thought I was a really stupid blonde because he gave me a dumb look.

But I bet really stupid blondes who think they can fix toilets come into Lowe's all the time.

Okay, well it's funny to me and no one else.

So what else is new?

Bob series

We got a new Bob the Tomato baseball, so I decided to take some pictures of it.
 

Bob takes a shower in the morning.


He gets a cup of coffee...


Gets into the car and goes to work...


Joins the rest of the food family for some Preschool applesauce made by Laurel.

They all mourned for the loss of an apple friend, but the applesauce was good, so he wasn't so missed.


I thought that was fried GREEN tomatoes, Bob. You don't want to end up like the apple...


And after an exhausting day, he falls fast asleep.

Bonus

Well one really great thing came out of our weekend, and that is our toilet doesn't rock anymore. However, it leaks now, so it's been shut off for this week until we can get around to fixing it. Hopefully the other one will hold up to the pressure.

I've never been the type of person to make a huge thing out of something little. And I don't just ask for advice like I should, I am just too stubborn, (and proud for that matter.) But when it becomes a problem that could hurt many people, I start reacting and asking for advice.

I hate being an adult most times, I'd just rather sneak away from problems and forget they exist. Josh is not like that at all. Unless it has to do with housework, then he's all for the sneaking away part.

I think we all want to sneak away sometimes.

Like the people I love who turn the other direction when they see Josh and I coming. I find it kind of funny, in a way, and I wonder if it's me or Josh they are avoiding. Why not face us and say I don't want to talk to or see you ever again, or something solid and blunt like that. I doubt I'll cry when I've been slammed like that, but it makes the situation a lot easier, instead of the whole crowd parting like the red sea to avoid us. It gets a little obvious after a while.

And that would be why I want nothing to do with people. I really don't give them a chance to find out who I am, because I find most are too caught up in their own worlds to have room for me. So why bother? I'm just too huge and complicated to be separated into the "friends" category. I'll be honest, you are going to hate me, you'll love me, you'll want to spit at me, and at the same time want to know what I think about something. I just am not a simple person. I belong in the "friends" "enemies" "listener" "You're going to hate me advice giver," well pretty much anywhere, I just have a lot of different things about me. And oh did I mention "hand me over to the devil on a platter, so he can kill me" kind of "friend".

And somehow, the idea of being a hermit still appeals to me. I like me. If someone else does too, hey, bonus.

Yeah, by the way, this isn't a plea for everyone to tell me they like me, (so don't line up all at once) just let me know if you don't, it'll make it easier on both of us.

LOL

Whatever.

Oh that was fun.

To be continued rant

I finally got Josh out to bike ride with me early this morning. We will see how he feels later today. (To be continued)

Don't you just hate to be continues? You wait for so long anyways to see some show and then it has to be continued and you never see the next part until you've seen the first part like 10 times, and finally get to see the second part at the most inconvenient time, but you sit down anyways because you haven't seen it and you want to just get the whole thing over with.

Most times it's just not worth it.

Not that I really watch much tv, because I really don't, but to be continues are just annoying, why not just make a movie instead?!

I can remember going for weeks with 5 to be continues, and that was the summer that my brother and I spent in my mom's boyfriends basement, watching tv and drinking a ton of his pop. And let me tell you, he got off cheap, we were just that easy to please. Anyways, that was probably the most relaxing summer I ever had, watching re-runs of Welcome back, Kotter. And any Nickelodeon show we could get our hands on, (and that was the In Living Color and Saved by the Bell era, which we actually didn't watch, but that's just how long ago it was...)

Yeah I feel old, just for the pure fact that, that particular summer was 10 years ago.

I'm really not that old yet. And I don't plan on feeling old until I hit 80, then I just deserve to feel my age.

I'm done. No to be continued's here.

Phases

Everything I do is in phases. It's so odd. I'm not sure if it's because I just can't focus for more than days at a time on one thing, or I just need to change what I do just that often.

A week ago I was writing out song ideas like mad. Then a couple days later I got into trying to play someone else's music, somewhat proficiently. Yesterday I started listening to new songs, and the songwriting went down the tubes, however I still want to play, so hey, whatever. I always want to play music, so at least that's something consistent.

Craziness.

It is so weird that it is 130 right now, it seems like I just got out of bed, at 8 something this morning. The day has been just that way today.

Oh and I feel so much better today too. I wasn't really feeling myself these last few days, I was half sick, half suffering from a bee sting that encompassed my whole upper arm. Not that everyone wants to hear the story but hey, that's the shortest version I've got. The bee got what he wanted. I suffered. It's all good. Now. I wasn't too thrilled about it 2 days ago.

Wow. I better stop writing before I start ranting or something crazy like that.

Everything today.

Well today is my brother's birthday, you'd think with how far back I can remember, that I would remember when he came home with us. But I don't. Maybe I just didn't want him.

I can remember what our house looked like when I was a year old. Who knows why I decided to take a picture of our living room in my head and my sister coming down the hall. For whatever reason, it stuck.

I always have to get up in the middle of a blog, and this time I danced across the room and got the girls going.

Oh! Laurels first day of preschool is today, so I only have Dar and Cassie. So weird not having Laurel here, but I could get used to it. Josh had a harder time dropping her off than Laurel did. I guess Laurel walked into the room and one of the little girls came up to her and said, Hi Laurel! I saw you yesterday! And they started playing together, talking about how the other girl got to ride a bus. Then another girl came into the classroom and she ran up to Laurel and hugged her. And the three started playing, and I guess the little boy that used to be our next door neighbor was following Laurel around. What a socialite, without even trying! I wish I was so effortless!

Cassie started singing today, it's a lot of muffled words, but at least she is giving it a try. And I can recognize her words, somewhat.

That's it for today.

Hey wait a minute.

Okay this isn't from my running route, but she's so cute, even when spagettified. 

Highlights of my running route, Part 3: The story of Ransom Reed.

Here's the story of Ransom Reed. 


Ransom Reed is the poor man that now lives on the corner of a busy intersection. His body lays in the path of oncoming cars, and his feet get run over every single time a car passes by. I even managed to step on him, last week, quite accidently when I stepped off the road for a car to pass by. Sorry Ransom.

I've heard it told that even way back when, (in the 70s) his headstone (we hope his head isn't getting run over.) kept getting busted because drunk drivers would run into it. I hope Ransom had a really easy life, because his afterlife hasn't looked too good.

However he gets a new tombstone every few years or so, how's that for nice???

Highlights of my running route Part 2.

Ransom Reed 

Highlights of my running route.

The chicken with his head cut off. 

Here comes the sun....da, da, da, da

Wow. It's get back at Katrina day in the world of blogs. Either that or everyone is trying to be like someone else (and no one knows who started it). I can't even begin to count how many I've read today replicating just this.

My view hasn't changed. In fact, I think I might be more annoyed that it's taken a political turn, and that I'm not seeing more politicians out there getting their hands dirty. I really can't say anything, because I haven't given a thing to the relief efforts either. So I'm no better. It's like voting. If you don't vote, don't complain. You had your chance to have a say who is going to be one of the leaders of this country or what miliage will go through. Just like if I decided to give, I could start to complain.

But you know. Is that really the right thing to do?

Ah, seems like I've turned myself into the prime example.

Actually, I did it on purpose. Who cares if there were high percentage of abortion clinics in that area of New Orleans??? I think Jesus himself would live in that area just to have a chance to talk to those people. Isn't that what he did while he was here? I doubt he would go and live with Billy Graham or John Haggy, I mean come on. I think it's a sad thing that we as Christians didn't realize the chance we had to talk to those people before it happened. Not that God "wiped" it out. Like I said. God is just. He knows what He's doing. And if it gets millions of people to look at how frivilous their lives are and start changing.... Hey, whatever. I'm not here to tell God what to do. He already knows what He's doing. I'm going to leave it up to Him.

So for anyone who is clueless to what I've said. I don't believe for a second that God sent Katrina for the damnation of the hellbound. Oh, that was quotable. A Melism. And if He did, (and I'm wrong) that is His choice. While I don't understand why He did it, I understand and accept that it happened. We could go on for years, decades of why it happened. Who knows. And really, who cares what we over-analize. God knew about it, it is in His timing, and that's it.

And if I'm so sure of my faith and get to go to heaven, I just might ask God why it happened.

Preachy

Josh said I was too preachy today. I think it was only because I was talking about a verse instead of life, but hey, it gets like that sometimes.

Laurel has been starting to answer me instead of repeating what I say, which the repeating meant she agreed, otherwise she'd say, no okay. Since she is saying no now, Adara caught on, and can scream no, which always bugged me about kids. I hate it when they start screaming no, or say no to everything. Call me quirky.

Other than that. Nothing else here.

I was reading a passage in Revelations (21:1-4) today, and I read the first part which is,

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.

No sea? I thought. Well I guess in new Heaven and the new earth we wouldn't need to drink, and really right now all we are doing by drinking and eating is sustaining our bodies. I have to admit though, food is good. I enjoy my food. I'm curious if God will allow food even though it's not needed. Here is second thought...what if we don't have these desires either? Would that make for a boring heaven?

I'm sure God intends more than us singing hymns all the time. Although...I do love to sing, so really it's not such a bad thing.

The last part of the passage is this.

There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

Here are my thoughts. The old order of things will pass away. So everything we know and think of as normal will pass, and become different. Not that we won't be able to adapt to it, but I'm curious how it will go. Even if I imagine what it will be like, I will still be surprised.

And I wanted to plan out my future.

What would I do if it were me?

I'm torn apart on what to think about Katrina. First of all I am sick of hearing about it, it's like the recount, it keeps being the topic of the day, and more are dying, just like every other day, just a little more rapid and a little differently than everyone thought they would.

I mostly feel bad for the elderly that lived down there. It seems like in this survival of the fittest world could only think of how to take care of themselves than other people less fortunate. I mean, how many people let the elders on the bus to leave New Orleans in their place??? Or anyone for that matter, and better yet, children. Those who have a chance to grow up and redeem themselves because of this travesty? I hope if I ever am in that situation, I am compassionate to anyone I see in need, even if it endangers my own life.

As for anyone else who had time to get out and didn't take it; is the foolish man that Solomon talks about in Proverbs. They never deserved this, but their own foolishness caused more deaths than necessary. God is just, and that is that. He had His reasons.

I'm curious if they are going to have a New Orleans again. Are they going to leave the city as is, and tell people to move on? I mean how many villages and cities in the long past did we as humans leave behind because of devastation? We just don't do that anymore, and it's not like we have more unexplored land to settle. It will be interesting to see.

That's it. Katrina summed up in 4 short paragraphs filled with slight compassion, justice, curiosity, and irritation. I wonder what I would do if it were me?

That was girly.

Today is our parent meeting for Laurel, and I admit, I'm a little bit nervous myself. It's not that she can't handle preschool, just I'm not sure I can let her go for a day, by herself. If she gets hurt, I'd like to be there to comfort her. But I can't hold on forever, and I don't want her character to be endangered because I (selfishly) want to keep her near me.

It looks like such a gorgeous day out, but I know it is colder than I want it to be. I'm not ready to give up t-shirts and don jackets just yet.

The girls have these flower pot cups, that the straw is in the shape of a flower, and they look so adorable drinking out of these cups. Little girls drinking out of flowers, I don't know, it's just cute. Sugar and spice and everything nice, well except for that one time she....

That was gushy, I guess becoming a mom just made me more girly than I ever wanted to be. I'm not saying chick flicks are my thing, just I have more girlish tendencies.

And I find that I'm loving every second of it.

Officially written off

Yeah I'm not sleeping, this is the first night in 2 weeks. Which is totally amazing that I could sleep like that. I can be quite the insomniac.

It's pretty cold here. Usually we leave all the windows open at night, and finally last night I asked Josh to close them all before he comes to bed. However he didn't so I'm sitting here wrapped up in a blanket about 2 foot thick trying to keep warm.

I am not the shallow conversation starter. But how odd would it be if we started all conversations with philosophical ideas, I mean, really. And it's not like I'm the brightest person alive either, so while I could start an idea, I could in no way, shape, or form, finish it. They have schools for that.

My mom and I had a conversation about writing people off. I never thought of myself being one of those people, but harshly, I am or have been in the past. I had a friend in school that was a consistent liar. Even though I would catch her in her lies, she still lied. So I didn't talk to her for a few years. Then we started to talk again and it started all over again, though she was getting better at her lies. We were friends through high school, and I found I kept feeling like I was better than her, and I knew deep down I wasn't, but I hated feeling like I was. After graduated and got married, I just haven't tried to kept contact with her, and she's gotten pretty messed up. My mom then said something that hurt. I could have been there for her through these tough times. And I started to argue that she was like this in high school and never told me the truth about her real life. So while I could help her, she wouldn't let me, and here in my glory with that condensending attitude of being better, I was the worst person for her.

Today I could do no better. What does that say about my character? I'm easily influenced by my surroundings. By being friends with my consistent liar, I was becoming a really awful person. And I didn't like that. So I wrote the friendship off. And I don't make friendships lightly either.

I always thought of her as more of a project than a friend. How I could help her become a better person. And who was I fooling? Me.

I then began to think why my mom and I had the conversation in the first place. Because I thought I was better than someone who had written me off for a stupid reason. And although I had nothing to do with the situation; it just because I am a part of the Kingsbury family, so I was officially written off.

I had some serious arguing and re-thinking to do. Not only do I hope (selfishly) that God intended for them to learn something new, but I know He wants me to learn something as well.

Running and thinking, thinking and running.

I was thinking a great many things today while I ran. Anything from my brother to where to put an apostrophe. Great, meaning that I was thinking a lot, not exactly the quality of thoughts or anything. Just quantity. Something to keep my mind off of running, and off of thinking how I should talk myself into quitting.

My brother works the morning shift at Marathon here in town. So usually while he is getting ready for work, I'm getting up to run, sometimes I leave earlier, sometimes he's early, it works out, being we've done this for years now.

So I get to the end of the driveway this morning and Jeff is pulling out in his car. Now I know he's going to have some smart comment as he leaves the driveway, it's just common courtesy for our family. So knowing full well I'm going to run, he asks, "Want a ride?" Ha-ha I say back. Although I must confess I seriously thought about it and had him drop me off at the Alward corner so I only had half a journey. In other words, Cheat. Now that's no way to exercise and have benefits. I mean come on.

As I rounded the Loomis corner, I thought I saw a car parked at the next corner (a mile down) with it's hazard lights on, and started thinking of reasons why, the worst being an accident. So I started to ask myself questions that I would ask (checking for clear responses, keep them thinking of things other than pain, until the ambulance came.) Then I started to think what I would say to those questions, got up to the corner, and no one was there. Oh well. No ambulance rides today.

It got me thinking if what I thought was right, for my own reasons or God's reasons. Most of the time what I thought, was for my own reasons, and I thought of ways to support those reasons with God.

Then I thought, what if my reasons aren't God's reasons. Like I prefer a certain person in office, but if I hate another in office, how can I think that the person I prefer to be in God's will and the person I hate, not? I mean they are both in office, and if I can say God must have a reason for them being in there, wouldn't that same reasoning apply to the person I rather not have there? It got me thinking about my so called "facts" on who I think is right for the job, and why God thinks that they are right for the job.

That took me most of the way home.

This is my favorite picture of late. 


My Dara-kins

Anything and Everything

Our neighbor has been doing major renovations to his house, and does it look good. It's a rental, always has been, but the rentees never kept it up. It was in serious need of rebuilding and my neighbor has been doing an awesome job. He's a good guy.

I fixed my bike yesterday, (told you I was a handyman, well woman) not that it was a big deal... it didn't have a tire or breaks. I'm still working on the back brakes, so I know it will work before I get on the road with it. I much rather use back brakes to front, since you tend to flip over when using the front brakes. I have enough non-living things against me, I don't need to make my bike an enemy by default.

Cassie looks so cute in her too small sleeper, I ended up changing her into cute pj's since after a year old, I don't have footie pj's until 4 or so, and by then, they really either hate or love them, you know? So on that note....

It's Christmas today.

I've been waiting for September, not only does the paycheck come on the first, but it's Jeff's and Mom's birthday this month. That's not the only reasons, Laurel goes to preschool, and I'm trying to get excited about the fact that summer is over. Summer is my favorite time of year, although fall is nice too.

It's means it's time to start thinking about the holidays (yuck) and that doesn't thrill me too much. I rather be random when it comes to holidays. Like it is Christmas today. That would be fun, so unexpected and unpredicted. Totally random.

That would make it much more fun for everyone I think. Random Christmas. I mean why not? No one knows when the birth of Christ was anyways.

It probably won't go over too big with those traditionalists I guess. But I'm pretty sure you could post it on the news and radio that it's officially Christmas today, so it gets to almost everyone.

Then we could give the 25th of December back to the pagans to celebrate. It was theirs to begin with anyways.

Random Christmas. That's hilarious. It cracks me up.

Almost more than the beheaded chicken I see every day when I run. I've got to get a picture of that.

Mel the hermit

Quite honestly I haven't had much to write. I either feel like complaining or getting on a soapbox, and quite frankly, I refuse to let myself do it. For the simple reason that I don't want to complain, though I feel like it. I doesn't accomplish anything, and I could (and am) be doing a lot more constructive things with my time.

So there I stand.

Hey wait, didn't I just step up on a soapbox about not complaining and being on a soapbox??? It's one of those Mel-isms of my life I guess.

I made it around the 2 1/2 mile "block" today. I thought I would start jumping and shouting when I got to my road, but I figured the neighbors wouldn't want someone whoopin' and waking them up now that they are retired and allowed to sleep in later. It just wouldn't be right.

I've been questioning God. Mostly His existence. I never seem to know when I'm doing the right thing, or God's will or anything. I spend more time wondering if I am doing the right thing, and quite honestly I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I usually just hash these things out on my own. I'd rather hide that I just don't know, than admit my stupidity in questioning the existence of God and His will. It's a pride issue. I know it. And I'm just too afraid to seek counsel. I'll be honest here.

It seems like I am suppose to be waiting, learning and developing my character right now, I just don't know where to turn besides reading myself to death, I think it's deeper than that. Anyone I would want to go to, has died or moved on, and I'm sure there is a reason for it. Maybe to make me have to work to find someone else to help me out. To break out of my shell and ask someone I don't trust for help.

It all comes down to people. My total weakness. I'd rather just write everyone off and become a hermit. It's easier to deal with me, and just me, than anyone else. And yet I know it's better for me to struggle with people than to be without them. That whole fellowship thing God talks about in the bible. We were meant to interact. No matter how much I hate it.

It's a wonder that I got married at all.

I went to a baby shower last week and my family went with me. My family was invited, that wasn't the deal; we were just planning on that I would go by myself, and Josh would stay home and watch the kids. Well it ended up being a really great thing for Josh and the girls, but every time I sat down, I would have to get back up again, mostly for Cassie. I got to talk a whole 2 minutes I think, and after several tries of getting involved I gave up. I'm not ready to have my girls running free especially Cassie who would go into the kitchen and have it destroyed in minutes. I'm not willing to deal with that. It doesn't matter to me if other parents let them run free, and give it a few years and the girls will be just fine running around. Which turned out to be a good thing that I gave up and left early, because I walked in the front door to Jeff on the phone and walked back out to go to the emergency room with him.

Which by the way, big thanks to Walters. You guys are great.

And Jen, wow, what a trooper. I figured she could handle it, but she really surprised me when she called to let Josh know what was going on. It shouldn't have surprised me but it did.

So God has a funny way of doing things. If I would have gotten involved, I wouldn't have been home for my brother. And really what is more important?

And then again, maybe He just caused it to happen to Jeff so I wouldn't get involved and lose track of the important stuff.

Either way, it doesn't even matter.

I'm just disappointed with myself, that's all. I keep asking for more chances and keep screwing up those chances. I'm just not ready to give in to this yet. Call me stubborn. So what have I learned???

God exists.

Be patient.

Keep the massive problems coming. I can take it.

Oh and I'm stubborn. Did I mention that?

My today.

Yet another interesting day.

We went to church and I was in the walker room, which had a non-stop crier during the second half of church. I thought I was going to die after looking up at the clock and seeing it said 10:10, everytime. And no, the clock hadn't stopped, it was just going that slow.

So the clock finally rolled around to 11, and we got home, and I actually got a nap! Yes, a full-fledge, (though kid screaming) nap.

The family and I went to a baby shower today, and Laurel had a blast running around with Haley, another 4 year old (to the day, actually, they have the same birthday.) and it was so cute watching them hold hands and have fun. Laurel is so big.

Then we got home, and I turned right back around out the door to go to the hospital. Jeff twisted his ankle at a softball game and passed out. I teased him as much as possible, we rated the nurses and I got to tell my funny story of the day.

Which really is only funny to me and Jeff, so it must be a Kingsbury thing.

M&M's

Not much today. I cleaned out some of the garage, and started to get Josh's tools out and in the pole barn, which when he got home, we put it back together out there. He was pretty excited about this project.

I have been somewhat unsuccessfully trying to clean out the garage. Well it wouldn't be so bad if we didn't have enough crap to fill a house that is already filled with my mom's stuff. So it sits in the garage in hope that something will break and brought in for use. (Yes this has happened pretty often. We have our coffee pot in, our microwave was for a while anyways, deep fryer, that is before it got fried, and so on.)

I cleaned out boxes and boxes of kids stuff, and rearranged things so we have one "too big for the girls" box. I got out Laurels school clothes. They weren't school clothes until this week, but hey...whatever.

That's it for me, been too busy thinking about boxes than what's for dinner. That is a lot easier for women to forget food than men, I've noticed. I guess that could be a good thing, instead of me sitting here eating Twinkies all day.

I really don't like Twinkies, so moot point. But M&M's always strike my fancy.

I just might be your friend forever if you get me a bag of M&M's.

The lost shoe

Last night we went on a walk. Not only was it a walk, but we went for 3 to 4 miles, which just about killed Josh, I'm sure. But I wanted to try the route out, to make sure there were no dogs, that the traffic on the road wasn't too heavy, and so on. It's a really pretty route, I love living in the country.

Anyways, after we got home, we realized somewhere along the way we lost a shoe. I walked up the driveway and no shoe. So we got the girls all settled down and in bed and decided to take a shopping trip. On the way, we drove slowly down the road, looking for the shoe and found it a mile down the road. Still intact.

Good thing, that was Cassie's only pair of sandals.

Preschool

I thought I was going to freeze my rear off this morning. I decided to not take a jacket out to run, since I get all warm anyways, and the jacket just ends up hanging at my waist like a dead weight. Well that's what it feels like when you're running anyways. And I was glad I didn't have it when I got to my halfway point.

We signed up Laurel for preschool, and actually I wasn't even going to sign her up until I talked to (who used to be) our neighbor, and she signed up her 4 year old to this preschool. Quite frankly, I left it up to God, because I wasn't sure how I wanted to handle it. Certainly preschool isn't divine intervention, but I knew if something came up we could figure it out from there. So I got the numbers to call and I knew the person who was the contact, so we talked for a little while, one of the bonuses of living in a small town. I went to school with her daughter, and she actually remembered me. Which I think is a good thing, since in elementary school I wasn't a bad kid hardly at all. Minus the whole kicking another kid thing, oh and punching a kid because he tried to punch my brother and...well okay, so I could have been the bad kid....I was just very protective, that's all. Call it my aggressive nature.

So anyways, I signed her up and I know she isn't ready to go to school for 2 days all day yet, but I think it will do her a lot of good. She's been having trouble going on Sundays to the kids class and has been sitting out with me in church. And yes, I make her sit through all of church, we don't sneak out before the music. She knows it was her choice to be there, and that she is suppose to be quiet. Anyways, she's a good kid, but by going to church with me, she isn't interacting with kids her age, and learning how to make friends.

And really I want her to have a better chance than I do to make friends. I was a pretty fun kid, but after my dad passed away I became a recluse. I didn't want anyone near me, just for the simple fact that I didn't want to lose them too. I started to get into fights. I was angry, all the time.

And Laurel doesn't need to be that kid. I want her to make mistakes, and figure them out. That's how she will grow. But unless she goes out into the world to face kids, she doesn't have a fighting chance. I think of how much she is going to hate the fact that I leave her there all day, and she will cry when she gets dropped off for school. I want to just say that she'll be fine here at home, but I know that her going to school will do her a world of good as well as bad. But that's life, you got to take it all in, and it's not about how good or bad the situation is, it's all about how you handle it.

So that's my 2 cents on hashing out why Laurel should go to school.

The Clothesline

I just walked outside to hang up our bedspread and broke not one but two clothes lines.

Is that theoretically possible?

Obviously I just made it possible.

Post-it notes

If I were single I would put up post-it notes everywhere. I've never encountered this kind of person until this week. I walk into the kitchen and see this sticky note on our stove hood with a recipe on it for No-Bakes (mmmm, my favorite) and so I added it to the other sticky note Jen left with her cookie recipe in the cupboard (just so the other post it note doesn't get lonely, which the first note is pretty cute, it has Alltel all over the front, and let me tell you, sticky note turn on).

So anyways, I would have these ridiculous sticky notes everywhere, and most of mine would be pretty dumb, because I'm just not creative enough, or something about it makes me laugh, and no one else gets it. Whichever. Someone would always be making fun of me. Whether it was about the collage of sticky notes or what was written on them. No one can help but read a sticky note.

Tomorrow's blog is on push pins, and the rest of this week, I will be exploring other useful office items, so stay tuned.

Guilty as charged

I've been neglecting my blogging duties.

Oh well.

I warned everyone anyways, since I've been busier, I haven't blogged... So it's not totally a bad thing.

We've been fixing up the house around here. Painting, repairing, trimming, you name it. Since Dar got a new bed, I've been painting it and today get to touch it up, so we will see where my painting skills lie.

It's sad that I am not much of a tomboy anymore, I'm not a heels 24/7 kind of girl, but I'm just not that tomboyish anymore. I'm different every day. Sometimes (though rarely) I dress to impress, but most days, I'm comfortable, which isn't always that fashionable (and consists of pjs).

Yesterday, after I played softball, I went over to Josh's parents. Josh was over there with the girls, and it ended up that the next door neighbor kids asked Laurel to come over and play. Well, I guess they have been asking Laurel for weeks to come over, but Laurel didn't translate to us that she was asked over. That girl needs to learn some communication skills. What can I say, she lives in her own little world. Hmm, wonder who that's like....

Anyways, we went over to play and Laurel is afraid of dogs, and have this huge dog that's only a year old, so of course, he likes to jump and lick and gets excited and it freaks Laurel out. We finally convinced Laurel that she could co-habitate in the same space as the dog, and Josh walks over because Dar is literally trying to jump the 6 foot fence to play with the kids (she doesn't like being left behind). Story: Dog starts getting wild again, and Dar takes it, in fact, loves it. Laurel freaks out again, climbing the nearest human (me) to get away from it. The dog went inside.

So this three-ring circus starts, I'm sure the neighbor wasn't expecting the whole Pung family to come into their yard because here comes Cassie with my sister-in-law. Well Cassie can't be constrained, and thinks she is still in the country and starts crossing into other people's yards thinking it's a great chasing game.

Yeah fun. I have wild girls, and quite frankly I like their streaks of independence.

Oh yeah the point was that I went over in my softball clothes, which are sweats and a baggy T. And I must have been a mess, since I had dog hair and sand everywhere. I felt bad until the neighbor came out in pretty much the same attire, and we had some decent conversation.

Oh that was lengthy and really pointless, why didn't somebody stop me?

Mel: 0 Pavement: 1 Pool out because of injury

I haven't been sleeping good lately. Not sure what I've been worried about, well that's not exactly true. I keep preparing for something bad to happen to Josh's job. Which Josh loves. He has a really good job.

So really I've been going to bed worried and that translates to insomnia.

That and I know I'm not being a good mom lately. I know I haven't been paying enough attention to my kids, and today I plan on just sitting on the floor and playing until they get sick of me. And with 3 of them, that's hard to do, especially with a 1 year old who loves attention. Let's get down to what's really important here.

I am getting new contacts/glasses today. Not exactly by choice, but I won't be able to see if I wait any longer. I'm surprised that my contacts haven't disintegrated.

I've started running this week in the morning. Today I was running down my road and this semi stopped on the side of the road ahead of me. I decided that wasn't exactly the safest situation, with houses set back from the road 1/4 of a mile or so, and if something happened, no one would hear me scream. So I turned around. After the semi started up again, he ended up driving past me, and I was so busy watching him, to make sure he didn't stop again, I took a dive and the pavement decieved me and won. Luckily, after hitting the pavement I rolled right into the grass on the side to stop momentum, otherwise, my face would have met and kissed the pavement. I wasn't about to let it do that. I'm sure that the guy who was driving toward me, was busting a gut, (I could think of several funny things they could say in that instant: now you see me, now you don't....or shouting: Runner down!!!) he didn't stop to help however, and I think that I was more grateful that he didn't, I probably would have bit his head off.

Oh yeah, and that kid pool in our backyard bit the dust. My mom ran it over with the lawnmower. Thank goodness I don't let my kids out while she mows(minus sitting on her lap, she can't mow over them that way). I really don't want a mulched kid.

I get into more trouble fighting with inanimate objects than people.

Newsy blah blah

Today was really good. Although Mint Fest was somewhat middle of the road, we went out with Bj and Melissa, and had some really good conversations. I love that.

And come on, the irish pub at eastwood towncenter had pepsi products. What a rip off. If I'm going to get a rum in coke, I want it with coke. Geez, get it straight. Although they had my favorite rum, so one point for them.

Yee-ha.

I decided today that it was a good thing that my parents named me Melanie. Simply because I look and act like a Melanie. I just don't look like a Francis or Juanita, you know. I'm definately a Mel. And that's all good.

I never thought that I was a Mel until I turned 16 or so. I was never worthy of my name until then or something. Before 16 I think (deep down inside) you just want to be someone else, and don't quite understand that you can be someone totally unique, although not always likable, but different. Different is good.

Oh yeah, I'm in an easy going mood. It was a good night.

Well that was random

Laurel was sick tonight, we'll check it out in the morning to see if she can go to the parade tomorrow. Bummer if she can't! You can tell when Laurel is sick, because she starts crying when her stomach is off, and instantly wants to cuddle. Which is a sure sign of get to the bathroom, quick.

Life is so weird. It seems like everything is going great, and I am waiting for a huge screw up to happen so I can act. Maybe that is just my instincts after living most of my life, jumping from situation to situation, barely making it through. But I get through. I know that God will get me through. That I have no doubt in.

And maybe that is why I make it through. Barely, but probably because God gives me just what I can handle and once I digest that concept, he moves me onto something new. Barely getting me through that as well, just because of my stubborn will, most likely. Usually is.

Can you imagine what responsibility a saint has. Not only do you have to be good 24/7 but you have to prove it to other people. And be humble about it as well. I know...cynical thinking, I just can't fathom what an awesome person you would have to be in order to be deemed a saint. In reality, it's just a human title; what men (really, clergy) decide who is to be saintly. I'm curious if God has rejected earthly saints before. Just a random thought, I suppose. It's mostly a Catholic concept anyways, sainthood.

I've been listening to songs and thinking about lyrics, how people decide to form an idea, and mold it so it will make some sense. Unless they are totally high on drugs, (Yellow Submarine, hello) it just makes me wonder what was going through the lyricist head to make them write it down. Were they just trying to get some words out, to finish their last song for an album, or did they really believe their words? Do they hate their own songs, or are they obsessive about the song they've created? I guess that could go for any art form, poems, stories, art... I kinda hope they believe what they write down, and are explaining the person they are by their songs. I know I have songs I've created and hate, although I know they are decent songs, they just don't fit anymore, like they may have described a part of me in the past, but I was wrong, or I've learned something better, and I don't want to associate my name with it anymore.

Probably one of the wisest sayings I ever heard about musicians and their music is this: To a musician, there is always a way to make the piece better, it's whether the musician decides to let it go, or make it a work in progress. Thus like life, the song is never finished. There will always be a part of a song you hate. And that's alright. Why do you think that Schubert's Symphony is Unfinished? Why Tchaikovsky hated his Nutcracker Theme? Thought it was a waste of time. The whole ballet. Why did Mozart make an almost impossible Aria for a soprano to sing?

Although I don't expect to be one of the greats, I can understand the frustrations of life, through my music, no matter how much I love a piece, and think at one point it is the best, and hate it with a passion later. It shows that I grow. And without that growth, I am nothing.

Wow, that was heavy.

Un-Mel like

I'm excited because it's Mint Fest this weekend in St. Johns. Everyone (alright all the geeks) in St. Johns and their kids get together to watch a parade, look through the crafts, animals, listen to music (good and bad alike) and you name it all in the city park (minus the parade, that's downtown). Anyways, last year the Pung family all walked down from Josh's parents house to the park, and we split up to look around and sometimes caught up with other Pungs, and walked around with them for a while. It was fun, so Melissa and I planned on doing it again, but neglected to tell the Pung boys. So Barney was on the phone with Josh, and he's like so what are you doing for Mint Fest.

Ha, we booked you already.

So Melissa and I told them what we had planned already, and really started ripping on them, so this weekend should be fun. Good stuff.

Josh is getting out at 1 today for Mint Fest. And his boss gave him a totally awesome raise. We were satisfied with what we were making, but he likes Josh and his hard work a lot. We are so shocked that God is that good to us. I am certainly not that good to Him. Especially lately.

Josh and I have been having long talks lately, which is really great. Quite frankly I don't get enough of those, and am left to my own devices of destruction. Such as thinking I am doing everything all by my lonely self, pity party here, and telling myself that the pity party isn't accomplishing anything, so I move on. It gets pretty pathetic, and actually having decent conversations, (that don't involve what Dar made out of noodles today) keeps me somewhat balanced.

Yes, I said somewhat balanced. Come on. You think I could be totally and completely balanced? That is very un-Mel like. I wouldn't be me without the unbalaced but interesting lifestyle I have so created. It's just not possible.

I'm a saint, what can I say...

Saint Mel.

Sounds good.

Liar

I know I haven't blogged lately, but I just don't have a lot to say. Okay that's a lie. I've got to have something to say but I don't know what. Alright, that's a lie too.

Josh just got home, and complained that I sat down at the computer to write after having it all day long. Actually, I haven't even thought about the computer today, so really it's an object of not thinking. So goes my life.

Yeah, I'm not the smartest one in the bunch (bunch of what?!) but there is some obvious reason I am here. Besides the fact that I take care of my kids, and really I don't even feel like I do that. They take care of themselves more or less. Tell me when they need things and so on.

Okay I lied a little, this week I have been so tired (and lazy) that it seems like I am crapping up my unpaid day job. Maybe I will get some motivation tomorrow, and get something done.

I'm just one big fat liar today. And I don't mean big and fat as in the reality sense, I know I'm not the skinniest one of the bunch (of whoevers) and quite frankly I really don't care about the fake lies I've been telling. So really I lied again. Bring out the soap.

So I'm one medium average liar today. Is that better???

Take me out to the ballgame...

We went to the lugnuts game last night. It was good and the lugnuts won. Even Gov. Granholm was there, although I would prefer not to associate I was within 20 yards of her, but I guess if I went close to the capital building I would be closer so there you have it. Someone famous that is a politician was at the ballgame. And I saw 2 people I graduated with, one who lived down the street from me, and the other was like a valedictorian or something, something extremely important if you are that person, but pointless if you are anyone else. How cynical I am tonight.

Anyways I was flattered that Josh's boss asked if I was for hire for cello playing. His wife's job is to arrange appointments and activities for the state, (including that Granholm thing) I decided rather quickly that my music is a hobby right now, though after telling Josh and mom I had said that, they said I was selling myself short. Although I wish I were single and could pursue my music actively, it's just not possible with 3 kids. I can practice, surely, but what about events? Josh can't watch the kids all the time I would be away. He has a hard enough time watching them for my games. No, I should wait until the girls are older, more capable of taking care of themselves, and hopefully I will have the time to become more than a hobbyist of music.

Who knows, maybe it's just not meant to be.

The girls were so cute though, the girls started to cheer when the lugnuts (okay anyone) hit the ball. But soon Laurel figured out who was the good team, and started to yell out, Hit it! or Catch it! Way ta go! Run batter run! Even knew when to clap when the music came on. It was fun. The girls were super. I was so proud of them. We even got to meet the guy above Josh's boss. Which I didn't know at the time and still managed to be okay. Even though I was watching the kids like a hawk (which is usual). I'm horrible in social settings with kids anyways. I can't make conversation when I have them with me. I'm always up and down and running around with my head cut off. Which by the way, I've actually seen a chicken with it's head cut off, several thousand times, very interesting. My dad used to raise chickens and butcher them. We had a mean rooster that would attack, so one day my dad was collecting eggs and it attacked him, and must have gotten Dad good, because he went after it with a wooden pole and threw it like a spear. And for the one and only time in his life I'm sure, his aim was true and he ended up killing the rooster. Boy did he swear about cleaning that rooster that night. Nothing worse than cleaning a chicken, than cleaning a chicken after you killed it and didn't expect to be cleaning it. Chickens smell when you're cleaning them, I think they are almost worse than fish. Okay, that was just a little useless fact about me.

Yeah that was a little more than enough that you wanted learn today, huh?

Well that's all for now, folks, tune in next time for "How to clean a chicken in half an hour."

Rain

Somedays I hate contacts. I went to put them in and one fell out, so I spent the next 10 minutes looking for it. After I found it, I tried to put the other one in, and couldn't. I need to get contacts anyways, just makes it more evident. So I am sitting around in my glasses with this dark storm cloud over my head. Luckily it's disapating quickly.

Oh yeah and it's raining, so really, I have 2 dark clouds over my head....

But I love the rain. It's so relaxing and it usually makes the house cooler. Which makes everyone happy.

The girls are really quiet this morning, (it's all about the rain) and I haven't gotten around breakfast yet, so I better start the day right.

Happy birthday Laurel.

I'm an official girl. I mean I always had all the parts, just never let myself be a girl. I want to be the strong guy. I push my feelings and emotions to the side, so I can realistically look at things. Which isn't a bad thing exactly. Except I don't allow myself to feel, anything.

I noticed this started to change when I had my first daughter, which it's her birthday today, how coincidental, I looked down at her little face and it was like I detached from her, (besides the real sense of detachment) I wasn't sure if I could love her more than myself. If I could provide a sane and balanced mother who understands and is always there to love her 24/7. Even when I am angry could I still love her. And I realized that this little baby deserved to be loved and that I was capable of that. More than capable and qualified. I could love someone more than myself that wasn't of my choosing, that literally was dropped in my lap, a person I could help shape, but couldn't change. I could give her my opinions, but she could decide whether to take my advise or try it on her own. This was my chance to be a fair parent and give my baby a chance to live a life that she deserved. One that glorifies God more than my life ever could.

Moral of the story: I turned into a girl the day my daughter was born. And quite frankly it wasn't such a bad change after all. I'm still learning how to be me and I'm fortunate that my girls and Josh are patient with me about it. If I were totally balanced then I would be no fun and dull, but for now I'm going to enjoy the quirks that makes me, me. Girly and all.

Even if that makes me need to feel again.

Dishes are vicious.

Hard to believe Laurel will be 4 tomorrow. It seems like she's been 2 forever for me, minus the terrible twos, she had that at 18 months. Maybe I don't want her to grow up after all.

Cassie is turning more into a toddler every day. It's funny to see her grow out of her baby look and into her kid face. Lately she has been giving these toothy grins when she is really excited and happy about something, and it just lights my world. She is such a sweet kid. I don't know where she comes from.

My mom bought dish soap so it means I have to do dishes again. I was hoping it was one of those things that just stayed on the grocery list for weeks, and I would have an excuse to why I wasn't doing dishes. Now it's just all my fault. I'll admit it. I hate dishes. And though I try to just get through them, some days it just doesn't work out. I really have to talk myself into it in order to get them done. It's just one of those things. That and it makes me irritated that they are never done. Like laundry, you can be done for a week, and it gives you a nice rest in between. Dishes are vicious. Yup, that's my new motto.

I wish I could say something else besides describing the aggravation of getting my dishes done, but I just plain don't have anything else interesting going on. Except falling into pools. Highlight of the week, you know?

Mel vs. Pool

I decided to be super mom today. The kid's pool was getting pretty gross, since a frog jumped in and I couldn't even see it at the bottom. So after I fished out the frog, (and showed it to the kids of course, Laurel wasn't too thrilled) I decided to clean out the pool. Well I got as much water out by a 5 gallon bucket as I could, by bailing it out like on a fisherman's boat that sprung a leak. Then I tried to tip it over. Well evidentially I wasn't strong enough just to "tip" it , as simple as it sounds, and managed to get into a fight with it. I'd get it half over and not be able to lift it, and so on. So I finally get it to stay half over and have this great idea to ride the pool so my weight would make it tip over. First try, and I figure I just didn't do it right, the second time I give it a good rush, and the pool flings me backwards, tossing my butt into the rest of the water (fully clothed, although already muddy) and my legs above my head wrapped somewhere in the middle of the rest of the pool. Laurel starts busting a gut seeing me fall into the water, since physical humor is so rich when you're 4 years old. I manage to get out of the pool, though I am not sure how, and notice that since the pool is in half, I can bail the rest of the water out, and actually tip over the pool. Success. Muddy but successful.

You were rooting for the pool to win, weren't you!!!

Cats in diapers.

Oh, this is so nice. We took the girls over to Josh's grandparents house last night, and now the older 2 are sleeping in. Cassie was up I think at 730, but I didn't get up until 8 probably closer to 830. She was playing in the bedroom quietly, so it wasn't like she was crying and suffering in there.

I had a weird dream about cats and I put them in diapers. (think I'm a little diaper logged?) I thought it was normal until the end of my dream, and thought, I've seen plenty of cats out of diapers, and gave it a try. Must not have anything interesting going on my life. It's true, I don't.

Give me about 4 years, when all the girls are in school, and I won't be able to blog all I've done throughout my days. With that last thought, I'm going to enjoy sitting around today, and playing with my kids, while I can.

Diapers are a problem sometimes

Traveling has been weighing hard on my mind lately. I can't wait until the girls are at a good age to travel. Right now, Dar has a hard time going places, (she has a hard time doing anything, she's 2.) and I really want to be sure that I can handle all three at one time just to ensure their safety while we travel.

Right now they just have too many needs to once, for it to be possible for me to travel with them. I really want to visit my Aunt Marion in Georgia before it's too late. But I don't want to take 3 monsters either. And I know I've bred three huge monsters ready to take over cities and take prisoners. And why should I think that they will get better as they get older? I'm just hoping to be out of diapers, and they will be able to dress themselves without my assistance. Is that too much to ask?

Somehow the diapers seem endless, but I don't see any 5 year olds in diapers.

I'm lucky.

Today the girls weren't terribly bad, well most of the time. Anyways it started to get "exciting" when my mom got home. She walks into the house saying, You've got the life of Riley. (What's that saying all about, anyways?!) And I just look at her. I have Dar on my leg whining, and Cassie just took her diaper off and wet the floor. And yes, I've taped her diaper on before.

So mom sent me off to the spa. But I didn't want to exercise. Getting all sweaty and gross was not the way I wanted to spend an hour or two out of the house today. Not that being sweaty is bad, I really don't mind it so much; but I certainly don't glisten, like some special few. About the only time I am beautiful is when I'm sleeping, mostly because I look like an angel, except when the drool is dribbling out my mouth. (Oh come on, everybody does. Both. Look like an angel when asleep, and drool. Equally.)

Anyways I was sent away. I decided I need to be refreshed, so I figured I needed to do something new and ordinary. Well being I just don't get out much by myself, I never know what to do. So I drove to Meridian, hoping I'd find something, even if I just walked around the mall (by then I was feeling guilty about the whole exercise thing). So I got my hair cut, by this wonderful salon artist. With 2 kids, and a life worse than mine. You have to talk when in a hair salon, it's mandatory. Anyways, afterwards I got a lemonade, (notice a pattern to the lemonade thing here?) and sat in one of the community chairs regulated for lost husbands and older men trying to get a date with one of the regular walkers. (Trust me, it happens, it's the spot to pick up an older lady with great legs, well so we hope.)

Anyways if I thought I had more time than that I probably would have visited a coffee house and seen what kind of conversations I could have gotten into. Not that I would have been successful, but for a hermit like me, sitting down in a coffee house by myself would be a big step. Actually talking to someone else would be huge. But I think it is something I have to try, to get over this ridiculous shyness act. I shouldn't be shy. Seriously. I have a lot to say.

As if you couldn't tell with this super long post.