I am so glad I did the right thing for once. I asked them to forgive me and I'm sure that I confused the heck out of them, but I know I did my part.
Never in a million years did I think that I would confront someone when I was wrong, to say I was wrong. Especially my in-laws. I know I've known them for a good 8 years. But you really don't know people sometimes, no matter how often you see them or talk to them. You get a faint hint of who they are, but can never grasp their true personality. One day they just might open up.
And who knows what I am going to do next to surprise people.
Thank you God for making me unique and changeable.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
I never win when it comes to my in-laws
I am very disappointed with my in-laws today.
Warning: Jeff said I should have laid out the situation last time. So this time I'm going to do it. I doubt it will glorify God. And makes me a horrible person. But if I don't get it out I will regret that I never said anything.
I went to drop off stuff for the food bank today at my mother-in-laws work. And Dar was with me, so I figured stopping by her grandmothers office would be great for them both. Well she wasn't there and had a fill in to work her job. Sure okay, well their house is around the corner so I stop. She isn't home, and Grandma Cole is there. She tells me that they both (get that...both my in-laws) went to help Josh's brother put in his carpet. Now normally, I wouldn't have a problem with this except, they both took the day off to help out his brother. They refused to help us AT ALL when I was in the hospital with Cassie. We had to beg Sam to watch the girls so my mother could get her work done. And she watched them for 2 hours. 2 hours!!!!! That pissed me off. She told my mom she had to go home after 2 hours so she could watch a TV SHOW. I don't care that my in-laws talked to Sam afterwards and she got a talking of her lifetime. She really let me down, when I needed her most.
See why I am angry?
What makes Josh's brother and sister so much more important? Are we not worth their time? Do they really hate us that much?
The right thing to do would be to confront them, then forgive and forget. I know this. What I want to do is scream at them without letting them talk and make sure they never see my kids again.
Because that is not right.
But what I want to do is not right either. So I should do what is right to make it right. I may not be Abe Lincoln. But I doubt he had in-laws like mine.
I hope that I don't have my facts straight. Then I can just say that I'm sorry for believing the worst about them and be done. I don't want to fight. But I don't like that they play favorites, and we get crapped on every time. This is the main reason I want to confront them, I really want to make it right.
Sorry about the crappy post. But I never say anything about the bad parts of my life until it's done and over with and like a fool make myself turn out to be the good guy of the situation. It's one of those masks I like to put on. One of those things I hate about myself. And one of those things I want to change about me.
To be continued...
Warning: Jeff said I should have laid out the situation last time. So this time I'm going to do it. I doubt it will glorify God. And makes me a horrible person. But if I don't get it out I will regret that I never said anything.
I went to drop off stuff for the food bank today at my mother-in-laws work. And Dar was with me, so I figured stopping by her grandmothers office would be great for them both. Well she wasn't there and had a fill in to work her job. Sure okay, well their house is around the corner so I stop. She isn't home, and Grandma Cole is there. She tells me that they both (get that...both my in-laws) went to help Josh's brother put in his carpet. Now normally, I wouldn't have a problem with this except, they both took the day off to help out his brother. They refused to help us AT ALL when I was in the hospital with Cassie. We had to beg Sam to watch the girls so my mother could get her work done. And she watched them for 2 hours. 2 hours!!!!! That pissed me off. She told my mom she had to go home after 2 hours so she could watch a TV SHOW. I don't care that my in-laws talked to Sam afterwards and she got a talking of her lifetime. She really let me down, when I needed her most.
See why I am angry?
What makes Josh's brother and sister so much more important? Are we not worth their time? Do they really hate us that much?
The right thing to do would be to confront them, then forgive and forget. I know this. What I want to do is scream at them without letting them talk and make sure they never see my kids again.
Because that is not right.
But what I want to do is not right either. So I should do what is right to make it right. I may not be Abe Lincoln. But I doubt he had in-laws like mine.
I hope that I don't have my facts straight. Then I can just say that I'm sorry for believing the worst about them and be done. I don't want to fight. But I don't like that they play favorites, and we get crapped on every time. This is the main reason I want to confront them, I really want to make it right.
Sorry about the crappy post. But I never say anything about the bad parts of my life until it's done and over with and like a fool make myself turn out to be the good guy of the situation. It's one of those masks I like to put on. One of those things I hate about myself. And one of those things I want to change about me.
To be continued...
Laurel and Abe
The girls and I went outside several times yesterday. I don't mind going in and out, however it's the little bathing suits that have to go on when we go outside. Luckily Laurel has started to get her own on, which she is quite capable of doing. She just likes to think she has to be dependent on mom, and wants me to do everything for her. Well, yeah, it's faster if I do it, but I'm not going to go to her house every morning when she is 30 and dress her. So she gets really frustrated with me, that I am not helping her first and doesn't even think about the fact that I have 2 other kids, younger than her that I have to help out. It'll be interesting to see her one day in the future when she gets that slap in the face, and realizes life doesn't revolve around her. Yes, I know she is 3. She won't realize it for quite some time. And that's alright, I just want to see it.
Laurel is most definitely like her dad. Her whole Pung side of the family. I see so much of them in her, and she really isn't around them that much to pick up on those things. So it's hereditary. She's going to have a lot of trouble in school. She borders on the edge of brilliant, but can't seem to get her act together. I know every parent thinks that they have a genius (or geniuses). I almost hope that mine aren't. They can learn better things than about being super smart. And a lot of "geniuses" can't get the basic concepts down. It's all about how they are so much smarter than other kids their age, and they turn out selfish, self-reliant, and unconcerned that there are other people around them. We are raising a country of geniuses here. And a couple of plain jane, run of the mill, normal girls is what this world needs to set the record straight and get those geniuses to realize that there is more to being human than being smart. What are you going to do with those brains? Sit on them? Watch them rot?
Really.
I was reading a few articles about Abe Lincoln in Time. They did a good 4 to 5 articles on him, one was on how he became friends with a black guy name Douglass, (which was pretty iffy for the times, I mean, really, civil war here) it showed how he was shot, who he put on his cabinet, (and they were his worst enemies) and so on and so forth. Some people claim he was brilliant, others, thought he was ridiculous. I seem to remember that he ran for the candidate for president 16 times, and actually ran twice. How's that for success stories? Some viewed him as a spiritual man, but he didn't have any religious affiliations. He educated himself, only going to school for a year.
I guess what gets me about Abe is that though he was smart, he didn't use that line of I'm smarter than you, to get him that higher seat. In fact, he let his education speak for him. His spirituality speak for him. His wisdom. No matter what he decided to be as a man, he put that aside to speak for our country. And I like that. I like when someone is straightforward about themselves that there is no need to doubt who they are.
I've been thinking about what my brother stated a couple days ago.
I believe that if someone has to say to themselves "I've got to stay true to myself" then they probably aren't really being themselves. It really comes down to character. How much you are willing to go for someone you care about? If you can't see past your own self and be flexible with those you love, what kind of person does that make you?
Change is just one of those things that humans do. I think people close to you tend to notice those flaws. And if you don't change you are most likely hurting yourself. I don't mean changing your music type or hair color for someone else, that's just superficial. It gets superficial results. I'm talking about changing after you have known someone for a long time. When you want to change. Like for me being consistent. It's one of those things I have a hard time with. But I keep trying because I want to be consistent for my kids, husband, my family, and friends. So I am changing. Does this make me less "true" to myself? No, because change is a part of me.
And you just have to accept that.
Laurel is most definitely like her dad. Her whole Pung side of the family. I see so much of them in her, and she really isn't around them that much to pick up on those things. So it's hereditary. She's going to have a lot of trouble in school. She borders on the edge of brilliant, but can't seem to get her act together. I know every parent thinks that they have a genius (or geniuses). I almost hope that mine aren't. They can learn better things than about being super smart. And a lot of "geniuses" can't get the basic concepts down. It's all about how they are so much smarter than other kids their age, and they turn out selfish, self-reliant, and unconcerned that there are other people around them. We are raising a country of geniuses here. And a couple of plain jane, run of the mill, normal girls is what this world needs to set the record straight and get those geniuses to realize that there is more to being human than being smart. What are you going to do with those brains? Sit on them? Watch them rot?
Really.
I was reading a few articles about Abe Lincoln in Time. They did a good 4 to 5 articles on him, one was on how he became friends with a black guy name Douglass, (which was pretty iffy for the times, I mean, really, civil war here) it showed how he was shot, who he put on his cabinet, (and they were his worst enemies) and so on and so forth. Some people claim he was brilliant, others, thought he was ridiculous. I seem to remember that he ran for the candidate for president 16 times, and actually ran twice. How's that for success stories? Some viewed him as a spiritual man, but he didn't have any religious affiliations. He educated himself, only going to school for a year.
I guess what gets me about Abe is that though he was smart, he didn't use that line of I'm smarter than you, to get him that higher seat. In fact, he let his education speak for him. His spirituality speak for him. His wisdom. No matter what he decided to be as a man, he put that aside to speak for our country. And I like that. I like when someone is straightforward about themselves that there is no need to doubt who they are.
I've been thinking about what my brother stated a couple days ago.
I was thinking about change in relationships. Is it okay for someone to change something about themselves to better accommodate the other person in the relationship? I'm not only talking about the automatic assumption of just dating relationships, I'm talking about family and friends as well.
People say "stay true to yourself" or "be yourself" and I'm not sure I buy into that. Isn't life just one big compromise anyways? I don't like doing certain things, but for those people I truly care about, sometimes it's not so bad. Tell me what you think.
I believe that if someone has to say to themselves "I've got to stay true to myself" then they probably aren't really being themselves. It really comes down to character. How much you are willing to go for someone you care about? If you can't see past your own self and be flexible with those you love, what kind of person does that make you?
Change is just one of those things that humans do. I think people close to you tend to notice those flaws. And if you don't change you are most likely hurting yourself. I don't mean changing your music type or hair color for someone else, that's just superficial. It gets superficial results. I'm talking about changing after you have known someone for a long time. When you want to change. Like for me being consistent. It's one of those things I have a hard time with. But I keep trying because I want to be consistent for my kids, husband, my family, and friends. So I am changing. Does this make me less "true" to myself? No, because change is a part of me.
And you just have to accept that.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
MY Jeff. I guess I miss him. A little.
My sister and I have this running joke this week about Jeff being my brother or hers. I told her that she was only borrowing MY brother this week, and I'd like him back. It's been fun.
However, Jeff ended up getting Samuel to sleep. He's was a natural. What can I say, my girls might have done him some good after all. Considering he likes to teach them all sorts of irrelevant things. Although getting cokes for us is rather nice.
Dar started popping out more words. Sausage and suit is among just a few. She just figured out that if you ask with even one word instead of whining for something that she has a greater possiblity of getting it faster. If at all.
I have good girls. Very active, but good.
However, Jeff ended up getting Samuel to sleep. He's was a natural. What can I say, my girls might have done him some good after all. Considering he likes to teach them all sorts of irrelevant things. Although getting cokes for us is rather nice.
Dar started popping out more words. Sausage and suit is among just a few. She just figured out that if you ask with even one word instead of whining for something that she has a greater possiblity of getting it faster. If at all.
I have good girls. Very active, but good.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Child labor
Dar just walked up to me and slapped me on the shoulder. I turned to see her plucking a bug off my back and even throwing it away. How is that for service?
My brother taught Laurel how to get a coke from the outside fridge for him, so my mom thought it would be great if she could use that trick. She asked Laurel to get her a coke, and Josh was like yeah I want one too. Guess who got their drink? Yup, my mom did.
Seriously I'm not teaching them to be servants or maids. Just take a look at our house. It's a mess. But it's funny to see when they pick up habits like that.
My brother taught Laurel how to get a coke from the outside fridge for him, so my mom thought it would be great if she could use that trick. She asked Laurel to get her a coke, and Josh was like yeah I want one too. Guess who got their drink? Yup, my mom did.
Seriously I'm not teaching them to be servants or maids. Just take a look at our house. It's a mess. But it's funny to see when they pick up habits like that.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Mostly kid stuff
I'm planning on going outside and playing in the kid's whale pool. And I'm sure I'll have a few followers as well. My girls are good at splashing and chasing, and even made up a new game yesterday sliding off the plastic side into the pool. Summer is rough.
Considering it's almost 1, I'm surprised we aren't out there right now. Well we had lunch, half a lunch maybe, I kinda burnt it to the pan. Really I didn't want to be cooking at all (since when do I want to cook???) and there was too much going on, all at once, for me to be cooking. I don't burn things as much as I used to.... You'll never hear me say I am a fabulous cook. Unless I'm being totally sarcastic. Seriously.
The only time Cassie has been taking naps is when we are in a vehicle. Otherwise she gets really crabby, and luckily we've been going out almost everyday so she can get some rest. On the flip side, Dar has been taking naps regularly which is super nice, since she is a bear when she gets irritated. Makes me want to take a nap for her.
And Laurel has been picking on everybody. Doesn't matter who you are, or what you have, she will pick and keep at you 'til you blow a fuse and then she'll cry because you got angry.
However you can pick any of them up and they'll cuddle you for quite some time. That's nice. Especially when there is only one on your lap that you can dedicate your time to. Sometimes I wonder if I have enough alone time with each one of them. I guess we will see when they are all grown up.
Considering it's almost 1, I'm surprised we aren't out there right now. Well we had lunch, half a lunch maybe, I kinda burnt it to the pan. Really I didn't want to be cooking at all (since when do I want to cook???) and there was too much going on, all at once, for me to be cooking. I don't burn things as much as I used to.... You'll never hear me say I am a fabulous cook. Unless I'm being totally sarcastic. Seriously.
The only time Cassie has been taking naps is when we are in a vehicle. Otherwise she gets really crabby, and luckily we've been going out almost everyday so she can get some rest. On the flip side, Dar has been taking naps regularly which is super nice, since she is a bear when she gets irritated. Makes me want to take a nap for her.
And Laurel has been picking on everybody. Doesn't matter who you are, or what you have, she will pick and keep at you 'til you blow a fuse and then she'll cry because you got angry.
However you can pick any of them up and they'll cuddle you for quite some time. That's nice. Especially when there is only one on your lap that you can dedicate your time to. Sometimes I wonder if I have enough alone time with each one of them. I guess we will see when they are all grown up.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Jeff's car is here. Without Jeff.
Today was hot, but fun. The girls, mom and I were outside most of the day, while Josh slept off his cold. It's so odd that we are going to be in Flordia at the end of the week.
It is also weird to see Jeff's car here, and he's not here. I have to tell my kids each time we come in the driveway that Uncle Bear left his car home, and he is with Aunt Shelly right now. My kids think that I'm crazy. Won't they be surprised when they see Jeff in Florida. Especially since we are taking Jen with us on the plane and everything. They'll be really confused then.
It is also weird to see Jeff's car here, and he's not here. I have to tell my kids each time we come in the driveway that Uncle Bear left his car home, and he is with Aunt Shelly right now. My kids think that I'm crazy. Won't they be surprised when they see Jeff in Florida. Especially since we are taking Jen with us on the plane and everything. They'll be really confused then.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Speechless
It's hot.
We took my brother to Metro today, and well it was interesting, we'll just leave it at that.
Cassie was such a charmer this afternoon. We went to Walmart and Kroger, and she smiled at everyone and everything.
If I had anymore to say, I'd say it.
I will only talk if I have air conditioning.
We took my brother to Metro today, and well it was interesting, we'll just leave it at that.
Cassie was such a charmer this afternoon. We went to Walmart and Kroger, and she smiled at everyone and everything.
If I had anymore to say, I'd say it.
I will only talk if I have air conditioning.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
This hit home today.
Thanks Jeff. You are right. The girls do need me now.
In fact the last few days haven't been too bad with the girls. Yesterday mom locked herself out of her car, (I won't make too many jokes about it, mom) and so we rescued her and took her an extra key set. We decided to head over to Ceaserland, and for any of you who don't know what it is, it's a Little Ceasers playground. Pizza, playground, take the kids when you have tons of time because they won't want to leave. And it's not anything fancy by any means. It was when I was kid, but then my perceptions tend to be skewed. Anyways we had a good afternoon and even got Laurel out of there without crying. I ended up bribing her with a token we had found on the floor, (she likes coins) so she could add it to her collection of whatever.
Laurel just cried out a minute ago. I walked into the bedroom and here she was struggling to get her arm into the sleeve of her pjs. Very hot long sleeved thermal pjs. So I helped her with her last arm and she looks up at me and asks "Good job with pants???" I laughed and said, "You did a really good job with getting on your pants. Aren't you going to be hot?" "Nope."
Okay...
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
This hit home today.
Thanks Jeff. You are right. The girls do need me now.
In fact the last few days haven't been too bad with the girls. Yesterday mom locked herself out of her car, (I won't make too many jokes about it, mom) and so we rescued her and took her an extra key set. We decided to head over to Ceaserland, and for any of you who don't know what it is, it's a Little Ceasers playground. Pizza, playground, take the kids when you have tons of time because they won't want to leave. And it's not anything fancy by any means. It was when I was kid, but then my perceptions tend to be skewed. Anyways we had a good afternoon and even got Laurel out of there without crying. I ended up bribing her with a token we had found on the floor, (she likes coins) so she could add it to her collection of whatever.
Laurel just cried out a minute ago. I walked into the bedroom and here she was struggling to get her arm into the sleeve of her pjs. Very hot long sleeved thermal pjs. So I helped her with her last arm and she looks up at me and asks "Good job with pants???" I laughed and said, "You did a really good job with getting on your pants. Aren't you going to be hot?" "Nope."
Okay...
Thursday, June 23, 2005
A little bit of everything
My nephew fell 40-50 feet out of tree a few days ago. And he is still alive. He broke a few things, but being 12, I'm sure he will heal fast. Hopefully they will let him out of the hospital soon.
It's funny to think how things just happen. My brother was planning to head down there this Saturday, in fact, he's been planning on going down for months now, (way before my nephew fell) then head over to Florida when we go. I'm glad he will be with my nephew this week, I think they'll need quite a bit of help.
A few years ago, we were planning on having my sister in law up to visit us in Marquette. I was pretty pregnant at the time, but I wanted to take her and Laurel sledding, and show her around Marquette, Mel style. A few days before she came up, Josh lost his job, and instead of all the fun activities I had planned for the week, my sister-in-law and I had to pack our house up to move back downstate. I still feel bad that we didn't get to enjoy the time she came to see us, but we really didn't have much of a choice. It's funny that things just happen this way. Exactly like my nephew and my brother.
I wish that I could be there for my friends and family more. Like packing up my best friend, to move to South Carolina, but then someone would have to be with the girls 24/7 and the only one who has time for that is me. I get pretty sick of being the only one that takes care of my kids 24/7, and why shouldn't I take care of them, they are mine. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids. I just feel like I'm being left behind, and I don't like it. I guess really it comes down to the question, do I really want to sacrifice my kids for what I want to do in life? And the answer is No. So until they are officially out of the house, or old enough to pay rent, I am here for them 24/7. A break would be nice though, and I'm not even saying a 2 day trip to the Bahamas, I'm really interested in going on some missions trip for a few days. Just experience something totally different. Something I can bring home to my kids and tell them about my trip and how the world works there.
And when they are old enough maybe I'll get to do that. I try to enjoy every thing I have right now and some days it takes a lot to get through the day with a smile still plastered on my face. Not even a smile, sometimes just making it through the day without pulling my hair out. I can't help but struggle with what I have been given. I don't think there is a single person who doesn't feel frustrated with their lives in some way, shape or form.
And quite frankly, I have nothing to complain about. I have a great family. We live in a house. Josh has a job. We can pay our bills. And God is always there for us. Why would I want to complain?
Because I'm human...it would be against human nature if I didn't want to.
Yeah, it still doesn't make it right.
It's funny to think how things just happen. My brother was planning to head down there this Saturday, in fact, he's been planning on going down for months now, (way before my nephew fell) then head over to Florida when we go. I'm glad he will be with my nephew this week, I think they'll need quite a bit of help.
A few years ago, we were planning on having my sister in law up to visit us in Marquette. I was pretty pregnant at the time, but I wanted to take her and Laurel sledding, and show her around Marquette, Mel style. A few days before she came up, Josh lost his job, and instead of all the fun activities I had planned for the week, my sister-in-law and I had to pack our house up to move back downstate. I still feel bad that we didn't get to enjoy the time she came to see us, but we really didn't have much of a choice. It's funny that things just happen this way. Exactly like my nephew and my brother.
I wish that I could be there for my friends and family more. Like packing up my best friend, to move to South Carolina, but then someone would have to be with the girls 24/7 and the only one who has time for that is me. I get pretty sick of being the only one that takes care of my kids 24/7, and why shouldn't I take care of them, they are mine. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids. I just feel like I'm being left behind, and I don't like it. I guess really it comes down to the question, do I really want to sacrifice my kids for what I want to do in life? And the answer is No. So until they are officially out of the house, or old enough to pay rent, I am here for them 24/7. A break would be nice though, and I'm not even saying a 2 day trip to the Bahamas, I'm really interested in going on some missions trip for a few days. Just experience something totally different. Something I can bring home to my kids and tell them about my trip and how the world works there.
And when they are old enough maybe I'll get to do that. I try to enjoy every thing I have right now and some days it takes a lot to get through the day with a smile still plastered on my face. Not even a smile, sometimes just making it through the day without pulling my hair out. I can't help but struggle with what I have been given. I don't think there is a single person who doesn't feel frustrated with their lives in some way, shape or form.
And quite frankly, I have nothing to complain about. I have a great family. We live in a house. Josh has a job. We can pay our bills. And God is always there for us. Why would I want to complain?
Because I'm human...it would be against human nature if I didn't want to.
Yeah, it still doesn't make it right.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Florida
I can't believe that in less than 2 weeks we will be in Florida. I can't wait to see the kids face that there is something different than Michigan. Laurel is the only one who has been out of state before.
So we've been planning little things for the girls, we got them a few Disney figurines for the plane. And mom got them an airport coloring book, so they are excited for the plane ride. Of course I taught them the states so they know that we aren't in Michigan anymore (and no they don't have Dorothy's ruby red slippers). I'm sure they don't understand fully what they are up for but it's going to be great. They'll be excited to go to the pool and often.
So I'm suppose to read a book about Disney and the tricks and trades of the parks for the little kids. We've been to Disney hundreds of times, but I still get excited each time I go. We still look at the old maps of the parks and I just can't explain it. It's just one of those things I really look forward to. Even if I have to wait a whole year.
So we've been planning little things for the girls, we got them a few Disney figurines for the plane. And mom got them an airport coloring book, so they are excited for the plane ride. Of course I taught them the states so they know that we aren't in Michigan anymore (and no they don't have Dorothy's ruby red slippers). I'm sure they don't understand fully what they are up for but it's going to be great. They'll be excited to go to the pool and often.
So I'm suppose to read a book about Disney and the tricks and trades of the parks for the little kids. We've been to Disney hundreds of times, but I still get excited each time I go. We still look at the old maps of the parks and I just can't explain it. It's just one of those things I really look forward to. Even if I have to wait a whole year.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Life from the easy chair.
I think what really has been standing out to me lately is to some people one thing can make their life rocky, and to another person it is no problem. Like someone who has a problem with alcohol, can't control their problem, and have to find ways to help out. Once they figure out they need help. To someone else, alcohol isn't a problem.
But the part that has been getting to me is thinking we are better than someone who has a problem that we don't have. And probably never will have. We don't fully understand that it can be a problem.
We tend to have compassion toward those who are going or have been through the same trials as we have.
I had an uncle who had a problem with alcohol. As a teenager I wondered why he couldn't just stop drinking. I knew that the addiction was a factor, I dimly realized that he had to want to quit, for himself, and not for anyone or anything else. I couldn't understand why he had to give an excuse that held him in his prison. He would rather get away from this world than give up his worst enemy which to him seemed like his best friend. His best ally. What he thought was his only hope.
I think we all struggle to get away from the world in one way or another. And most times what we struggle with most is something that we would rather hold onto than give up. We are too afraid to give it up. We don't even think that it is a problem, or try to fool ourselves into thinking it isn't one. And sometimes we talk ourselves into thinking that it is good. For the best.
Like situations that happen in life. For example, you don't get a job you really wanted. How many times have I heard; "well I really didn't like *this* about that job" or "I didn't feel comfortable with the job so I wouldn't have taken the job if it was offered anyways." When will we be honest with ourselves and others and just say, "I'm really disappointed I didn't get the job. I'm sure there are pros and cons to it, but there are in every job." I think we would rather hide the fact that we were disappointed with the results and put on a face by appearing that the situation has changed. Not only are we trying to fool others around us, we are successfully fooling ourselves.
All of us fight with that brutal thing called honesty. We deceive, we manipulate, we think we are better than someone around us. Have to have that one up on someone. It isn't comfortable to think that we aren't perfect. Or that we have problems. We would rather hide it than face it. And it's not that we are all afraid of facing it. It's just that it is more comfortable on this side.
But the part that has been getting to me is thinking we are better than someone who has a problem that we don't have. And probably never will have. We don't fully understand that it can be a problem.
We tend to have compassion toward those who are going or have been through the same trials as we have.
I had an uncle who had a problem with alcohol. As a teenager I wondered why he couldn't just stop drinking. I knew that the addiction was a factor, I dimly realized that he had to want to quit, for himself, and not for anyone or anything else. I couldn't understand why he had to give an excuse that held him in his prison. He would rather get away from this world than give up his worst enemy which to him seemed like his best friend. His best ally. What he thought was his only hope.
I think we all struggle to get away from the world in one way or another. And most times what we struggle with most is something that we would rather hold onto than give up. We are too afraid to give it up. We don't even think that it is a problem, or try to fool ourselves into thinking it isn't one. And sometimes we talk ourselves into thinking that it is good. For the best.
Like situations that happen in life. For example, you don't get a job you really wanted. How many times have I heard; "well I really didn't like *this* about that job" or "I didn't feel comfortable with the job so I wouldn't have taken the job if it was offered anyways." When will we be honest with ourselves and others and just say, "I'm really disappointed I didn't get the job. I'm sure there are pros and cons to it, but there are in every job." I think we would rather hide the fact that we were disappointed with the results and put on a face by appearing that the situation has changed. Not only are we trying to fool others around us, we are successfully fooling ourselves.
All of us fight with that brutal thing called honesty. We deceive, we manipulate, we think we are better than someone around us. Have to have that one up on someone. It isn't comfortable to think that we aren't perfect. Or that we have problems. We would rather hide it than face it. And it's not that we are all afraid of facing it. It's just that it is more comfortable on this side.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Doctors stink.
Laurel stepped on a bee yesterday. Thinking nothing of it, we got her inside and cleaned it, and we put tea bags on it to lessen the swelling. Which it did and it was fine. So she got down to play again. This morning she woke up and her foot was double the size it should be. I knew she wasn't allergic, because my mom is severely allergic, and I've seen the reaction. That was already crossed out in my mind. So I tried to get the swelling down, and got it down to golf ball size, and still called the doctor, figuring that there might be something we can do to ease her (doesn't even have to be medicine, actually I prefer that it isn't).
I got into the doctors office, found someone to take care of my two girls, and of course we waited, which didn't bother me as much as ER, you know? It was important but not deadly. By the time I saw the doctor, which wasn't my actual doctor by the way, they got me in to see another one in the office, he basically told me I was an incompetent fool and that there is nothing I can do.
I don't mind that there isn't anything to do but ice it and keep it elevated, (which I already knew) but he didn't have to make me feel like I am an idiot. I was afraid with the way it was swelling, that she had twisted her ankle in some way. Which he didn't ask what happened.
So I've sworn off doctors. Unless we are heavily bleeding, or have an obvious broken bone, I will take care of it myself. I have plenty of resources in my reach, and I am certainly not stupid.
Plus it will cost less.
I got into the doctors office, found someone to take care of my two girls, and of course we waited, which didn't bother me as much as ER, you know? It was important but not deadly. By the time I saw the doctor, which wasn't my actual doctor by the way, they got me in to see another one in the office, he basically told me I was an incompetent fool and that there is nothing I can do.
I don't mind that there isn't anything to do but ice it and keep it elevated, (which I already knew) but he didn't have to make me feel like I am an idiot. I was afraid with the way it was swelling, that she had twisted her ankle in some way. Which he didn't ask what happened.
So I've sworn off doctors. Unless we are heavily bleeding, or have an obvious broken bone, I will take care of it myself. I have plenty of resources in my reach, and I am certainly not stupid.
Plus it will cost less.
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Grandpa Cole
Happy Fathers Day for all those fathers or hopeful fathers.
We met up with my brother and sister in law last night. It was fun. I don't think we had a lull in conversation the whole night. And I was so tired after we left, I'm surprised that I didn't pass out in the car on the way home.
Of course, we are all talkers. Really. Josh and his brother especially. Must be in the genes.
Josh got a grilling master shirt and hat for fathers day, and is currently wearing it in preparation of our fathers day BBQ. I snuck out at the right time, so I could relax for a little before his parents come and we'll have another large talking session. Only I won't be the one talking, it's very hard to get in a word. Usually after we are done with socializing Josh and I discuss how much we talked and either should have shut up, or if it was one of those fill the void times. Josh tends to talk a lot, I just stand there, listening to the same stories over and over again. Josh is just like his Grandpa Cole in that respect.
I liked Grandpa Cole. He always had something to say and he was never dull even in his last days before his death. He was one of those people who sat on the front porch and talked to the passerbys. Something I really want to do when I get older. The people passing by would always stop to talk, and even when he couldn't be outside on the porch, people would stop and ring the doorbell to ask how he was doing. He used to volunteer at the St. Vincent's De Paul (which is a catholic organized resale shop). His wife still goes down there to work a shift. He had an odd amount of different jobs, that each had a story to go with it. You wonder why people like him went first, I can't help to think the old adage about God taking the people who are too good for this world first. Sometimes it seems like it. It's weird to think he's been gone for 5 1/2 years.
So as a tribute to Fathers Day, thanks Grandpa for being an inspiration for my life. What an awesome person.
We met up with my brother and sister in law last night. It was fun. I don't think we had a lull in conversation the whole night. And I was so tired after we left, I'm surprised that I didn't pass out in the car on the way home.
Of course, we are all talkers. Really. Josh and his brother especially. Must be in the genes.
Josh got a grilling master shirt and hat for fathers day, and is currently wearing it in preparation of our fathers day BBQ. I snuck out at the right time, so I could relax for a little before his parents come and we'll have another large talking session. Only I won't be the one talking, it's very hard to get in a word. Usually after we are done with socializing Josh and I discuss how much we talked and either should have shut up, or if it was one of those fill the void times. Josh tends to talk a lot, I just stand there, listening to the same stories over and over again. Josh is just like his Grandpa Cole in that respect.
I liked Grandpa Cole. He always had something to say and he was never dull even in his last days before his death. He was one of those people who sat on the front porch and talked to the passerbys. Something I really want to do when I get older. The people passing by would always stop to talk, and even when he couldn't be outside on the porch, people would stop and ring the doorbell to ask how he was doing. He used to volunteer at the St. Vincent's De Paul (which is a catholic organized resale shop). His wife still goes down there to work a shift. He had an odd amount of different jobs, that each had a story to go with it. You wonder why people like him went first, I can't help to think the old adage about God taking the people who are too good for this world first. Sometimes it seems like it. It's weird to think he's been gone for 5 1/2 years.
So as a tribute to Fathers Day, thanks Grandpa for being an inspiration for my life. What an awesome person.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Maybe I'm older than 13 after all
My daughter saw a picture of my sister today. My sister lives really far away and we don't really get to see her or her kids very often. So Laurel and I were talking about the picture.
She calls her Aunt Selwee, (Shelly) and she happens to be at work in her picture. When Laurel asked where she was, (and to be totally honest, she asked if she was in the bathroom) I told her that she was at work. So she said, Aunt Selwee's at work. Laurel understands being at work. Daddy does it almost every day.
So I've got to invest some time into changing my 22 years to 23 on my blog. My mom and I went out for lunch and shopping, and the waiter at the restaurant said he just turned 22, and that it wasn't as exciting as 21. I told him it's all down hill from there, and he said, what are we going to do at like 60. My mom's like "Hey now." (don't worry she hasn't reached 60 yet, she's closer to 29.)
I decided that this birthday I was going to do what I wanted to do instead of waiting around trying to figure out what I wanted. I was out the door at 10 o'clock this morning.
Maybe next year I'll treat myself to a steak dinner and ice cream....well not that Olive Garden and a rum in coke stop at Rookies was bad.....I love being over 21. They ID you, but somehow you manage to get away with a drink. Good thing I'm not a big drinker.
She calls her Aunt Selwee, (Shelly) and she happens to be at work in her picture. When Laurel asked where she was, (and to be totally honest, she asked if she was in the bathroom) I told her that she was at work. So she said, Aunt Selwee's at work. Laurel understands being at work. Daddy does it almost every day.
So I've got to invest some time into changing my 22 years to 23 on my blog. My mom and I went out for lunch and shopping, and the waiter at the restaurant said he just turned 22, and that it wasn't as exciting as 21. I told him it's all down hill from there, and he said, what are we going to do at like 60. My mom's like "Hey now." (don't worry she hasn't reached 60 yet, she's closer to 29.)
I decided that this birthday I was going to do what I wanted to do instead of waiting around trying to figure out what I wanted. I was out the door at 10 o'clock this morning.
Maybe next year I'll treat myself to a steak dinner and ice cream....well not that Olive Garden and a rum in coke stop at Rookies was bad.....I love being over 21. They ID you, but somehow you manage to get away with a drink. Good thing I'm not a big drinker.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Weddings
We went to my cousins wedding this past weekend. Since it was a sit down meal and no kids, I figured it would be a good time. Plus I get to support my cousin. You know.
Sometimes I cry at weddings, but I either really have to know the person, or be super happy for them to cry. This time I cried when groom started choking up. Yes the groom. How could anyone help it?
I know, sometimes it's viewed as a sign of weakness, but for me, it was just totally awesome, that he cared that much about her to bust out a few tears. It was then I realized that their life was going to be okay.
When I got married, maybe I was an atypical bride, I wasn't very emotional at all until I went up those stairs at the church, and saw my brother standing there. Then I cried. The floodgate had opened.
So weddings. It's one of those times it's okay that a man weeps. I think I respect him more because he does.
Sometimes I cry at weddings, but I either really have to know the person, or be super happy for them to cry. This time I cried when groom started choking up. Yes the groom. How could anyone help it?
I know, sometimes it's viewed as a sign of weakness, but for me, it was just totally awesome, that he cared that much about her to bust out a few tears. It was then I realized that their life was going to be okay.
When I got married, maybe I was an atypical bride, I wasn't very emotional at all until I went up those stairs at the church, and saw my brother standing there. Then I cried. The floodgate had opened.
So weddings. It's one of those times it's okay that a man weeps. I think I respect him more because he does.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Whole lot of nothing.
We had another successful day getting out of Riverview. Relief. The girls have been pretty great today, and that is just so awesome. Dar and Cassie even went to the other workers and played with them. How cool.
Yesterday, Josh walks in the door and says I am ready to read a really inspirational blog today, and sits down to the computer to read my three lines of cheating.
I conned Josh to take all three girls to go and get an oil change for the van. I called him in the middle to ask if spaghetti sounded good to him, and he said, "Yes! I think I've lost 15 pounds in the last 20 minutes I've been here." He made it home fine, and it was a quick recovery.
I, however, relaxed while he was gone, i.e. laid down and didn't move. Trust me, that is really weird for me. I ended up getting up after half an hour, not being able to stand it.
Today I told the teens in my class not to have kids until they were 30. Not that kids aren't great when you are 20, but they're hard. On second thought, I do believe that it has made me a better person. I never really knew what I was made of before I had my kids. And now I know I have that diligence and strength to keep going on each day. Not only do I feel I have to keep on keeping on for my kids, I actually want to.
Crazy.
And all this running around each morning getting them out the door and up to kid's kamp really has been a great thing for my kids. They are loving that we leave and come home for the afternoon each day. It's been interesting. Different than the norm.
Yesterday, Josh walks in the door and says I am ready to read a really inspirational blog today, and sits down to the computer to read my three lines of cheating.
I conned Josh to take all three girls to go and get an oil change for the van. I called him in the middle to ask if spaghetti sounded good to him, and he said, "Yes! I think I've lost 15 pounds in the last 20 minutes I've been here." He made it home fine, and it was a quick recovery.
I, however, relaxed while he was gone, i.e. laid down and didn't move. Trust me, that is really weird for me. I ended up getting up after half an hour, not being able to stand it.
Today I told the teens in my class not to have kids until they were 30. Not that kids aren't great when you are 20, but they're hard. On second thought, I do believe that it has made me a better person. I never really knew what I was made of before I had my kids. And now I know I have that diligence and strength to keep going on each day. Not only do I feel I have to keep on keeping on for my kids, I actually want to.
Crazy.
And all this running around each morning getting them out the door and up to kid's kamp really has been a great thing for my kids. They are loving that we leave and come home for the afternoon each day. It's been interesting. Different than the norm.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Wow.
Wow, I can't believe I made it out of the church building with no one crying, or fighting me out the door. Laurel actually walked out the church door holding Dar's hand. I am still in shock.
Kid's Kamp is doing a world of good for Laurel.
Kid's Kamp is doing a world of good for Laurel.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
13
I am so fitful today. Frustrated. I've been like this for a few days now, and it's starting to eat away at me.
It's not like I have that much to be unhappy about. I think right now is the smoothest that my life has run. Ever. And I'm not a drama queen. So all this stuff that's usually happening to me really etches into me, because I bottle it all up inside until one day I burst. Well this is me almost ready to burst, for hardly any apparent reason.
I've been in the nursery with my two kids at church now, for what seems like an eternity (reality: 3 days). And I think it is much harder that my kids are in the class with me, because they want special attention. They don't know any better. It seems like I'm in the clown car and I'm the one that keeps falling out. So I try to jump back in with all the "normal" clowns and it's just not working.
Once again, I have no idea what I want with my life.
One of the teenagers in my class told me she thought I was 13. Nice. Yeah I wish. That was a long 10 years ago. Maybe my life just stopped at 13, and that's why I am so fitful. I can't wait to just do something. I've been waiting for 10 years. It seems like I am always waiting. So when I feel like I can't wait anymore, God I think pulls me back even farther so I'm headed backwards. You'd think I'd learn. Something.
I was always a latebloomer, so being 13, doesn't really surprise me.
It's not like I have that much to be unhappy about. I think right now is the smoothest that my life has run. Ever. And I'm not a drama queen. So all this stuff that's usually happening to me really etches into me, because I bottle it all up inside until one day I burst. Well this is me almost ready to burst, for hardly any apparent reason.
I've been in the nursery with my two kids at church now, for what seems like an eternity (reality: 3 days). And I think it is much harder that my kids are in the class with me, because they want special attention. They don't know any better. It seems like I'm in the clown car and I'm the one that keeps falling out. So I try to jump back in with all the "normal" clowns and it's just not working.
Once again, I have no idea what I want with my life.
One of the teenagers in my class told me she thought I was 13. Nice. Yeah I wish. That was a long 10 years ago. Maybe my life just stopped at 13, and that's why I am so fitful. I can't wait to just do something. I've been waiting for 10 years. It seems like I am always waiting. So when I feel like I can't wait anymore, God I think pulls me back even farther so I'm headed backwards. You'd think I'd learn. Something.
I was always a latebloomer, so being 13, doesn't really surprise me.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Wow. The truth about Josh comes out.
I'm tired. I just worked in the nursery at Kids Kamp, and we had 7 kids, give or take a few. I had two teenagers helping out, and for those kids under 2, it's really hard to take care of them for 3 hours. I'm sure you lose a couple pounds just from running around and getting juice and snacks for them. We tried taking them outside, which I didn't realize how wet it was, and one of the kids decided to jump into the mud. That pretty much ended our outside adventure.
Laurel, who is a decidedly spacy girl, I guess walked off a couple times. Laurel is really in her own little world. I think it makes it much more interesting for her. So I went to pick her up, and the teacher was like, Is she always like this? Yes. Yes, she is.
She got it from Josh. Josh will zone out at times or when we are getting ready to go, he barely gets himself ready. We add on a whole half hour if Josh is going with us. Seriously. I got up at 730 today, and the girls and I were out the door at 8. Josh did help us, but he wasn't getting himself ready, so we didn't have to wait around or prompt him to get his shoes on.
Sorry Josh. It's true.
Josh is much better at other things. I guess Einstein couldn't do the normal daily stuff, but he made it up in other areas. Josh is a lot like this, except not such an extremist. Josh can tie his shoes, so he doesn't have the brain capacity to be a super-genius.
I don't think I have time to take care of super-genius anyways. 3 kids and a semi-genius is more than enough.
Laurel, who is a decidedly spacy girl, I guess walked off a couple times. Laurel is really in her own little world. I think it makes it much more interesting for her. So I went to pick her up, and the teacher was like, Is she always like this? Yes. Yes, she is.
She got it from Josh. Josh will zone out at times or when we are getting ready to go, he barely gets himself ready. We add on a whole half hour if Josh is going with us. Seriously. I got up at 730 today, and the girls and I were out the door at 8. Josh did help us, but he wasn't getting himself ready, so we didn't have to wait around or prompt him to get his shoes on.
Sorry Josh. It's true.
Josh is much better at other things. I guess Einstein couldn't do the normal daily stuff, but he made it up in other areas. Josh is a lot like this, except not such an extremist. Josh can tie his shoes, so he doesn't have the brain capacity to be a super-genius.
I don't think I have time to take care of super-genius anyways. 3 kids and a semi-genius is more than enough.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Kids
Well I made it through my first nursery day at Riv. Not that I've never been in nursery before, but we never had a nametag system, we knew each kid by name, and there weren't so many people. I had like 4 kids on my lap at one point, today. I can't help it. I would pick one up (while holding onto Cassie, who was attached to my hip today) and usually it was a crying one, and get them interested in something so that they'd stop crying, and forget until their parents got there. Dar wasn't too happy today in the 2 year old room, so she came in with me. No biggie. She was just as excited to play with the other kids as she would have been in the 2 year old room.
It's funny to watch kids, you realize which kids have working parents, or stay at home moms, and even the community kids (ie, the ones that everyone just watches, so the parents don't necessarily have to keep their eye on them 24/7). I wonder if these kids feel like that there is always someone watching them, even when no one is the room. I'll have to ask them when they are grown-up I guess.
Okay this wasn't such a good post, ah well. It can't always be good.
It's funny to watch kids, you realize which kids have working parents, or stay at home moms, and even the community kids (ie, the ones that everyone just watches, so the parents don't necessarily have to keep their eye on them 24/7). I wonder if these kids feel like that there is always someone watching them, even when no one is the room. I'll have to ask them when they are grown-up I guess.
Okay this wasn't such a good post, ah well. It can't always be good.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Arf.
My girls like to sing one of the veggie songs about a puppy. Well they get to the climax at the end, which in the original version is off-key, so they hit it for all it's worth and then bark at the end like the veggie does. Which is hilarious to hear for the first time. And actually I still laugh when I hear them singing it, because they get the other one going, and have a blast doing it. I think our van is a soundboard or something, because we are always singing in the van. We sing You are my Sunshine to soothe Cassie. Old McDonald is a favorite, however, they don't quite get the concept about changing the animals and their favorite part is EIEIO which gets a little obsessive after a while.
I guess Josh when he was a kid went through a phase, of repeatedly singing, California here I come.....
So it can't be too much worse than that. My niece was always singing when she was little, usually from The Little Mermaid, when she was with us anyways. I seem to remember that my mom opened up the windows so that her and a friend of hers could belt tunes out the window.
And here I thought we were crazy ones trying to teach my nephew to bawk like a chicken on the same trip.
I'm not sure my sister will ever let us take her kids anywhere ever again....(we have too much fun, I think!)
I guess Josh when he was a kid went through a phase, of repeatedly singing, California here I come.....
So it can't be too much worse than that. My niece was always singing when she was little, usually from The Little Mermaid, when she was with us anyways. I seem to remember that my mom opened up the windows so that her and a friend of hers could belt tunes out the window.
And here I thought we were crazy ones trying to teach my nephew to bawk like a chicken on the same trip.
I'm not sure my sister will ever let us take her kids anywhere ever again....(we have too much fun, I think!)
Friday, June 10, 2005
There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow
I thought this was so awesome. We had a really weird rainstorm yesterday, it was sunny while it was raining here, and we got this really cool rainbow. And it landed in our yard, so I went outside and got a couple of shots.
This one is from inside, then I decided to get a closer look if I could, (I wasn't sure if it was going to vanish the closer I got) the rainbow actually moves, so I could be right next to it, and it kept moving towards my neighbors house and finally vanished. I knew rainbows landed somewhere, but I never gave it a thought that it could land in my yard, you know? And I got totally drenched taking these pictures. The downpour reminded me of the Florida rains. In all these pictures it was actually downpouring, although it really doesn't look like it. Honestly it was.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
The tough girl is too high-maintenance.
I always thought of myself as this tough girl. And in many ways I was. I could handle almost anything myself. So I thought. I realized my problem is that whole letting people help me, or asking for help. I have hard time accepting that. Lately, I've been asking for help. And taking help when it's offered, slowly letting go of my independent streak and handling a little humility along the way.
It was very much a pride issue that I did everything myself. I would never let anyone into my small little world, I still struggle to let others in. However, in this season of my life, I've found a few people who have weaseled into my world, without me even knowing it.
And I kinda like it.
I don't mind being broken, persay, because the results are much greater than the backwards steps I take. I like knowing each day is going to be a new day, and it gives me a chance to learn something else new. I like that being the tough girl isn't so important to me anymore, because "strong" doesn't mean you have to be tough. You are just resolved. It's an ending almost, strong can mean that you change. Tough is something you have to work at each day, to maintain. Strong is a characteristic describing who you are.
Actually I was reading a book, and it was talking about the struggles of Job, and strong was the word used to describe him. But not only did the word strong describe him, but it was him. It defined him as if that word was made just for him.
I wonder if I have such a personality trait that a word is made just to describe me.
"Crazy" comes to mind....
It was very much a pride issue that I did everything myself. I would never let anyone into my small little world, I still struggle to let others in. However, in this season of my life, I've found a few people who have weaseled into my world, without me even knowing it.
And I kinda like it.
I don't mind being broken, persay, because the results are much greater than the backwards steps I take. I like knowing each day is going to be a new day, and it gives me a chance to learn something else new. I like that being the tough girl isn't so important to me anymore, because "strong" doesn't mean you have to be tough. You are just resolved. It's an ending almost, strong can mean that you change. Tough is something you have to work at each day, to maintain. Strong is a characteristic describing who you are.
Actually I was reading a book, and it was talking about the struggles of Job, and strong was the word used to describe him. But not only did the word strong describe him, but it was him. It defined him as if that word was made just for him.
I wonder if I have such a personality trait that a word is made just to describe me.
"Crazy" comes to mind....
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
It isn't, no wait, it is. Wait a minute....no, it definitely isn't.
I've been up and down today. I am either really happy or really angry. It's very odd. i.e. Normal for me. I can't seem to balance myself out and that lack of control is bugging me.
I wish I had all the answers sometimes. Especially in those angry moments of, well, today, and in those happy times, I just don't care that I have the answers at all. Josh would say here, "I am the floating head." in a very airy voice, almost meditative. That seems to sum up today.
My mom and Jeff and I talked about this one day. And Jeff was saying he had extreme mood swings too. My mom said she didn't. She figured that she was pretty normal. Then she said that she never noticed these huge mood swings in us, like a bolt of lightning change. I was wondering how she couldn't.
It seems pretty obvious to me. My mom has the same personality throughout, Jeff has his moments of "getting on the soapbox" but he is still himself, where I am wildly inconsistent from day to day. I would say one day I don't like steak, I never have and never will. The next day I would tell you I love steak, though I've hated it in past, this is good stuff. And I know I do it. It bugs me. I just don't understand what I want. I think I know what I want and it changes. Constantly. Change is not a bad thing in my book. And it's one of those things I've had to deal with and overcome. I'm wondering now if you can ever overcome it.
Ask me tomorrow. My opinion will probably change.
I wish I had all the answers sometimes. Especially in those angry moments of, well, today, and in those happy times, I just don't care that I have the answers at all. Josh would say here, "I am the floating head." in a very airy voice, almost meditative. That seems to sum up today.
My mom and Jeff and I talked about this one day. And Jeff was saying he had extreme mood swings too. My mom said she didn't. She figured that she was pretty normal. Then she said that she never noticed these huge mood swings in us, like a bolt of lightning change. I was wondering how she couldn't.
It seems pretty obvious to me. My mom has the same personality throughout, Jeff has his moments of "getting on the soapbox" but he is still himself, where I am wildly inconsistent from day to day. I would say one day I don't like steak, I never have and never will. The next day I would tell you I love steak, though I've hated it in past, this is good stuff. And I know I do it. It bugs me. I just don't understand what I want. I think I know what I want and it changes. Constantly. Change is not a bad thing in my book. And it's one of those things I've had to deal with and overcome. I'm wondering now if you can ever overcome it.
Ask me tomorrow. My opinion will probably change.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Pink, I just don't know why.
My husband said I was decidedly pink today. I don't know why I earned this title of pink, but he said I have a lot of Mel-isms today, and that is why I am pink.
It's weird for me to meet people for the first time, or even just see someone. I get these weird gut instincts about some of them. There was one guy I knew that I had never actually met until a lot later, but I knew that we would meet eventually. It's kind of like a halo effect except not, it seems to surround them and you just know, no matter what you do, something about that person is going to pop out to you. And there won't be anything you can do about it. You can fight it all you want, it won't help.
I am a poor example of making eye contact. I know it isn't insecurity, I just see qualities in people, and I shy away from it. There is such a thing as making too much eye contact, although I rather doubt I will be a case of this. I know I have a critical eye, and quite honestly I really want to help others with their strengths and weaknesses. Personally, I would much prefer someone told me a fault of mine, and although I may be hurt, I think about it and how I can change it. I certainly don't possess any magic skills or anything, but I think one of the reasons I stayed away from other human beings so long is because I don't like what I see. If I see a certain characteristic, is it because I have seen it in me? It goes along with the whole “I don’t like what I see in the mirror” theory. I ran away from others to get away from myself.
Don't get me wrong, I see plenty of positive attributes. And it doesn’t make me know anything about people. I am still perplexed about human minds as everyone else. Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy or I have some odd obsession when I have those gut instincts. I think in any other life, I would have been a mystic, instead of some weird variant of Christian. I wonder what God has in store for me. I know I’m not a normal human being. Anybody raise your hand if you think you’re not normal. Oh good, I’m not alone.
It's weird for me to meet people for the first time, or even just see someone. I get these weird gut instincts about some of them. There was one guy I knew that I had never actually met until a lot later, but I knew that we would meet eventually. It's kind of like a halo effect except not, it seems to surround them and you just know, no matter what you do, something about that person is going to pop out to you. And there won't be anything you can do about it. You can fight it all you want, it won't help.
I am a poor example of making eye contact. I know it isn't insecurity, I just see qualities in people, and I shy away from it. There is such a thing as making too much eye contact, although I rather doubt I will be a case of this. I know I have a critical eye, and quite honestly I really want to help others with their strengths and weaknesses. Personally, I would much prefer someone told me a fault of mine, and although I may be hurt, I think about it and how I can change it. I certainly don't possess any magic skills or anything, but I think one of the reasons I stayed away from other human beings so long is because I don't like what I see. If I see a certain characteristic, is it because I have seen it in me? It goes along with the whole “I don’t like what I see in the mirror” theory. I ran away from others to get away from myself.
Don't get me wrong, I see plenty of positive attributes. And it doesn’t make me know anything about people. I am still perplexed about human minds as everyone else. Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy or I have some odd obsession when I have those gut instincts. I think in any other life, I would have been a mystic, instead of some weird variant of Christian. I wonder what God has in store for me. I know I’m not a normal human being. Anybody raise your hand if you think you’re not normal. Oh good, I’m not alone.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Yesterday, was our first softball game, and actually we didn't do too bad. We lost 7-6. I got 3 hits in, 2 singles (one could have possibly been a double) and one that was a fluke that the outfielder caught it. Ah well. I hit the ball, that was all I was hoping for anyways. Plus I got to play first base, which I don't think I've ever had an infield position in my life. So maybe I'm not as bad of a softball player as I thought. I'm not going to bank any hopes on it though.
It is a gorgeous sunny day, yes michiganders, I think it's finally summer.
Next week is my birthday, which seems really odd to me. When you're a kid, you almost wait in expectation for it, and this year, it really just creeped up on me. Life is going by way too fast for me right now. The kids are getting too big.
Even though it's going by so fast; for once, I'm loving every minute of it.
It is a gorgeous sunny day, yes michiganders, I think it's finally summer.
Next week is my birthday, which seems really odd to me. When you're a kid, you almost wait in expectation for it, and this year, it really just creeped up on me. Life is going by way too fast for me right now. The kids are getting too big.
Even though it's going by so fast; for once, I'm loving every minute of it.
Crab ragoons, body language, and Americanism, they don't mix. Trust me.
I love eating Chinese food. Especially when you call it in, you get a funny Chinese guy or girl, who repeats everything you say, and I got the guy laughing yesterday. We got 4 orders of crab ragoons. He was like 4? 1 2 3 4? Yes I said, We like crab ragoons a lot. He thought this was hilarious.
A lot of times I find that the Chinese restaurant owners and workers, are at one extreme or another. Either they are really happy or really angry. There is no balance. Lucky for me I always get the funny ones. Laughter crosses over the language barrier a lot of times.
Although we had one angry one when we lived in Marquette. We kept going back to her restaurant, because they had such good food. She softened up when she saw us and especially Laurel, which we found out she had a soft spot for babies. That's when we started to get free wonton soup and other cool stuff. So she turned out to be a really happy one, if the right people came along.
Is that the way it is with our lives? The right people come around and we are super happy, but if someone is a drag, then we either take one extremity or another, we ignore them, and move on, or have this really crappy day. I know I have to watch myself around these people. Otherwise I turn into a negative walking talking beast. And I don't like that about myself. Really, it keeps me in check, because then I am watching what comes out of my mouth and watch what my body gestures are saying as well. Which I should be doing anyways.
Which is another thing. I should study body language, it's something I understand, although I can't find words for it half the time. Well, they say that the English language is one of the most limited languages. The Americanize version has only been around for 200 years, what do they expect? When did they start speaking English anyways? Why is it that Greeks have 4 different words for one English word. And the lesser articles have one word for 50 of ours? Doesn't make sense to me.
So I'll rely on my attempts to break the barrier of body language. I don't think that half the time people are sensitive to it, they don't realize that it affects their decisions. If I were to say something to you and roll my eyes (which I can't do by the way, roll my eyes, kinda like rolling you tongue, some people can, some can't) the point: you would take it as I was being sarcastic, whatever I just said, I meant the opposite. But what if I said it, and saw something going on behind you that I thought was ridiculous, and rolled my eyes? Depended on if you saw me look behind you or not.
I guess the point is that, in communication, 90% of what we say and do is misunderstood.
So are those Chinese workers actually angry? Probably not, they either don't want to be bothered, or just don't want to be working that day, or any day for that matter. They probably don't understand why Americans are so disgustingly "rich" and frivolous in everything they do. And maybe that's something to think about. What they consider respect, is barely thought of here in the states. Sure we shake hands, but do we incline our heads to show respect? Get real. We barely trust ourselves, let alone anyone else.
And that's what America is about? When I think of America, I think of Freedom. Isn't that the whole ideal of America? Isn't that the appeal to other nations? Only I'm sure they will do a better job with freedom than we did. (That was sarcastic. Human beings are so predictable, aren't they?!)
This is a long post so I'll wrap it (my book) up. I love America, I love the fact that we are free to worship the way we want to, we are free to work where we want. To have dreams. I don't think it would hurt us any to take a long and hard look at our fellow countries, and see they aren't afraid to sit on their doorstep or talk to their neighbors. To share their lives and show respect. I was backing out of the gas station in DeWitt and this lady whips around the corner and right behind me, so I put on the brakes. She decides to slow down, open her window, saying something as she glared at me as she purposefully slowed down and creeped by. I'm sure if she wasn't holding on to her cigarette a finger would have been flying by as well. And that's freedom.
Freedom is disgusting somedays.
A lot of times I find that the Chinese restaurant owners and workers, are at one extreme or another. Either they are really happy or really angry. There is no balance. Lucky for me I always get the funny ones. Laughter crosses over the language barrier a lot of times.
Although we had one angry one when we lived in Marquette. We kept going back to her restaurant, because they had such good food. She softened up when she saw us and especially Laurel, which we found out she had a soft spot for babies. That's when we started to get free wonton soup and other cool stuff. So she turned out to be a really happy one, if the right people came along.
Is that the way it is with our lives? The right people come around and we are super happy, but if someone is a drag, then we either take one extremity or another, we ignore them, and move on, or have this really crappy day. I know I have to watch myself around these people. Otherwise I turn into a negative walking talking beast. And I don't like that about myself. Really, it keeps me in check, because then I am watching what comes out of my mouth and watch what my body gestures are saying as well. Which I should be doing anyways.
Which is another thing. I should study body language, it's something I understand, although I can't find words for it half the time. Well, they say that the English language is one of the most limited languages. The Americanize version has only been around for 200 years, what do they expect? When did they start speaking English anyways? Why is it that Greeks have 4 different words for one English word. And the lesser articles have one word for 50 of ours? Doesn't make sense to me.
So I'll rely on my attempts to break the barrier of body language. I don't think that half the time people are sensitive to it, they don't realize that it affects their decisions. If I were to say something to you and roll my eyes (which I can't do by the way, roll my eyes, kinda like rolling you tongue, some people can, some can't) the point: you would take it as I was being sarcastic, whatever I just said, I meant the opposite. But what if I said it, and saw something going on behind you that I thought was ridiculous, and rolled my eyes? Depended on if you saw me look behind you or not.
I guess the point is that, in communication, 90% of what we say and do is misunderstood.
So are those Chinese workers actually angry? Probably not, they either don't want to be bothered, or just don't want to be working that day, or any day for that matter. They probably don't understand why Americans are so disgustingly "rich" and frivolous in everything they do. And maybe that's something to think about. What they consider respect, is barely thought of here in the states. Sure we shake hands, but do we incline our heads to show respect? Get real. We barely trust ourselves, let alone anyone else.
And that's what America is about? When I think of America, I think of Freedom. Isn't that the whole ideal of America? Isn't that the appeal to other nations? Only I'm sure they will do a better job with freedom than we did. (That was sarcastic. Human beings are so predictable, aren't they?!)
This is a long post so I'll wrap it (my book) up. I love America, I love the fact that we are free to worship the way we want to, we are free to work where we want. To have dreams. I don't think it would hurt us any to take a long and hard look at our fellow countries, and see they aren't afraid to sit on their doorstep or talk to their neighbors. To share their lives and show respect. I was backing out of the gas station in DeWitt and this lady whips around the corner and right behind me, so I put on the brakes. She decides to slow down, open her window, saying something as she glared at me as she purposefully slowed down and creeped by. I'm sure if she wasn't holding on to her cigarette a finger would have been flying by as well. And that's freedom.
Freedom is disgusting somedays.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Well the Amazon could be pretty sight-worthy
We went to my in-laws last night, and the girls did surprisingly well getting out of there. We only had to chase down Laurel once. (Which is beyond amazing.) And then quietly, no fighting, carrying of kids, or anything, we walked out the door.
Hopefully church will be the same today. I hope, I hope.
I usually wear contacts, in fact my glasses are my old prescription, so I can see but I can't all at the same time. When I'm home, I wear my glasses, and quite honestly I don't even know why anymore. I can be looking at a sign maybe ten feet away from me and not be able to read it. My glasses just tend to make things less fuzzier than before.
I hate the fact that my eyesight keeps getting worse. Not only does it mean your getting older, which isn't too much of a problem for a 22 year old, (though you start to think about it a little more as time goes on) but what if you are in some extreme condition like you were dropped off in the forests of the Amazon, what would you do with your contacts? I mean really for survival, they aren't all that handy. Unless you have the type that stay in for weeks at a time, you're fresh out of luck. So you're stumbling around in the Amazon, not able to see, for fear of them sticking to your eyes permanently, and that's considering you'd live long enough to get through the Amazon.
Just a fleeting thought that goes through my head.
Oh yeah, I finally got a cell phone. I almost didn't just for the sheer fact that some lady on a cell phone turned onto the one way street, the wrong way and was heading straight at me on Thursday. My mom was in the car with me, and said oh yeah, One more reason not to get a cell phone. Check. I said.
Hopefully church will be the same today. I hope, I hope.
I usually wear contacts, in fact my glasses are my old prescription, so I can see but I can't all at the same time. When I'm home, I wear my glasses, and quite honestly I don't even know why anymore. I can be looking at a sign maybe ten feet away from me and not be able to read it. My glasses just tend to make things less fuzzier than before.
I hate the fact that my eyesight keeps getting worse. Not only does it mean your getting older, which isn't too much of a problem for a 22 year old, (though you start to think about it a little more as time goes on) but what if you are in some extreme condition like you were dropped off in the forests of the Amazon, what would you do with your contacts? I mean really for survival, they aren't all that handy. Unless you have the type that stay in for weeks at a time, you're fresh out of luck. So you're stumbling around in the Amazon, not able to see, for fear of them sticking to your eyes permanently, and that's considering you'd live long enough to get through the Amazon.
Just a fleeting thought that goes through my head.
Oh yeah, I finally got a cell phone. I almost didn't just for the sheer fact that some lady on a cell phone turned onto the one way street, the wrong way and was heading straight at me on Thursday. My mom was in the car with me, and said oh yeah, One more reason not to get a cell phone. Check. I said.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Random once again with no purpose but to fill the page.
I've been busy today, I got a lot more painting done, stepped on a bee, went out to Chinese, and the waitress was one of those happy ones, (in my experience I either get the bubbly happy Chinese person or the hate, angry at the world, bored out of their mind, Chinese person. They are always extremists, I must attract extremists.) Anyways she forgot what Josh was drinking. She came up and laughed, like only Chinese teenaged girls do, and got the right kind. I love them. They are just so hilarious.
Wow. Josh just walked up to me and asked, "How blogs it?"
I said, "It blogs."
"Bloggen," he says.
Tomorrow is our first softball game. We practiced a whole one hour and are tossed into the games. Yeah, we're pros.
I'm not really too concerned about winning anyways, I just want to play. Winning is just bonus. I'd like to hit the ball at least once, and preferably in the outfield. Now I'm getting picky.
Wow. Josh just walked up to me and asked, "How blogs it?"
I said, "It blogs."
"Bloggen," he says.
Tomorrow is our first softball game. We practiced a whole one hour and are tossed into the games. Yeah, we're pros.
I'm not really too concerned about winning anyways, I just want to play. Winning is just bonus. I'd like to hit the ball at least once, and preferably in the outfield. Now I'm getting picky.
Friday, June 03, 2005
Total randomness
I'm incredibly happy today. I don't know what I did to get this way, maybe just because it's friday. And somehow that is a super great thing.
I think it has a lot to do with working really hard on Wednesday. I accomplished something out of the ordinary this week. So maybe that makes up for my super happiness.
I like doing different things other than the usual get up, make breakfast, make lunch, make dinner, go to bed.
I hate being wrong. But I am wrong a lot. I make more mistakes than the regular human being, I think.
This is totally random today.
I think it has a lot to do with working really hard on Wednesday. I accomplished something out of the ordinary this week. So maybe that makes up for my super happiness.
I like doing different things other than the usual get up, make breakfast, make lunch, make dinner, go to bed.
I hate being wrong. But I am wrong a lot. I make more mistakes than the regular human being, I think.
This is totally random today.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
If you have a tally board for all your conversions, you've gone too far.
Funny thing. I was thinking about how mom was going to give her that book. And how she had the morals to throw it away when she found out what it was actually about. It's funny that it crossed that fine line of what a Christian should be reading and being. I'm not saying you can't listen to non-christian music, or read non-christian books, because that would not be true. There is just a line there. For example, I told my sister that I went to see Closer. It is a very sexually-themed movie, not one I would recommend. My sister said that she went to a movie that a co-worker suggested and was mortified and embarrassed to be sitting in that theatre. And Closer would definitely be beyond that comfort zone, considering it stretched the limits of mine. She thanked me that I told her it would be crossing that line.
Recently, I noticed a between the lines statement someone had made. They were trying to get away from the Christian bubble they had created. Their Christian friends, everything they do has to do with church, and nothing they do has any impact on the outside world. And that woke me up a little.
It's that whole confusing in the world, not of the world, statement. Where do we draw that line?
I think a lot of what we do shows who we actually are. Our actions, our words, even what books we give to others, says a lot about our character. I don't think everything we do should be the "Christian" thing. I know I shy away from Christians who are over-powering. Maybe that is why I stayed away from Christianity so long. I was so afraid of being a surface Christian.
I think that when people are comfortable with who you are, they start to ask those personal questions, and that is the time to talk. A lot of times we turn people off to the best thing of our lives because we want so badly to share it. Hold on! Stop! They aren't at that point in their lives yet. Patience is a huge part of preaching the gospel to others, especially one on one.
Maybe I've got it all wrong, but I hate the idea that people are uncomfortable with Christ because you bring it up in the first two seconds of conversation. If they are uncomfortable, they might listen, but they won't actually hear what you are saying.
The word never returns void. God will give you the right time to talk. It took me years to talk my friend about God. And she still isn't ready yet, but God is inching that much closer to her heart. God doesn't always happen over night. Then again what do I know.
I do know this. We all go through phases in our lives. And sometimes we think we need something so badly, when we couldn't be farther from the truth. Sometimes we don't listen to something that has been said, because we just don't understand what we don't know. For example, you don't understand how precious your time is until you have kids. You don't understand that sleeping is no longer a choice, it's an option. And until you get to this point you can fight with me that you totally agree and understand this, but you don't. Trust me, I fought too before I had kids. And you won't hear what I have to say about it, because you are just not in that phase of your life yet.
I know I have a lot to learn. And although I think I've been through a lot of phases, deep down I know I have many more to go through, that I won't understand until I'm going through or have been through it. It's a lot like that when you are accepting God in your life. One day, you are just ready. And no amount of pushing or shoving will help you get there. It'll just happen.
And that's what I know.
Recently, I noticed a between the lines statement someone had made. They were trying to get away from the Christian bubble they had created. Their Christian friends, everything they do has to do with church, and nothing they do has any impact on the outside world. And that woke me up a little.
It's that whole confusing in the world, not of the world, statement. Where do we draw that line?
I think a lot of what we do shows who we actually are. Our actions, our words, even what books we give to others, says a lot about our character. I don't think everything we do should be the "Christian" thing. I know I shy away from Christians who are over-powering. Maybe that is why I stayed away from Christianity so long. I was so afraid of being a surface Christian.
I think that when people are comfortable with who you are, they start to ask those personal questions, and that is the time to talk. A lot of times we turn people off to the best thing of our lives because we want so badly to share it. Hold on! Stop! They aren't at that point in their lives yet. Patience is a huge part of preaching the gospel to others, especially one on one.
Maybe I've got it all wrong, but I hate the idea that people are uncomfortable with Christ because you bring it up in the first two seconds of conversation. If they are uncomfortable, they might listen, but they won't actually hear what you are saying.
The word never returns void. God will give you the right time to talk. It took me years to talk my friend about God. And she still isn't ready yet, but God is inching that much closer to her heart. God doesn't always happen over night. Then again what do I know.
I do know this. We all go through phases in our lives. And sometimes we think we need something so badly, when we couldn't be farther from the truth. Sometimes we don't listen to something that has been said, because we just don't understand what we don't know. For example, you don't understand how precious your time is until you have kids. You don't understand that sleeping is no longer a choice, it's an option. And until you get to this point you can fight with me that you totally agree and understand this, but you don't. Trust me, I fought too before I had kids. And you won't hear what I have to say about it, because you are just not in that phase of your life yet.
I know I have a lot to learn. And although I think I've been through a lot of phases, deep down I know I have many more to go through, that I won't understand until I'm going through or have been through it. It's a lot like that when you are accepting God in your life. One day, you are just ready. And no amount of pushing or shoving will help you get there. It'll just happen.
And that's what I know.
Disclaimer: May insight change in religion (though I doubt it).
Today looks like another gorgeous day, however I am staying inside. I got a slight burn from yesterday. Laurel bronzed up like the Greek Goddess she is. I don't think Greek Goddess's have scratches, bug bites or any other form of owies though. So maybe she's not such a Greek Goddess after all. =)
Actually my mom usually talks to a co-worker who always says "You're a goddess," or something to do with being a goddess. So as a joke, mom bought this book that was titled Finding the Goddess Within You. Without even reading it.
Jeff picks up the book and starts flipping through it, and its all about finding your zen and femininity, very femi-nazi good reading. (That was sarcastic by the way, it had the quality of a romance novel) He gets towards the back and they start really detailing how to "pleasure" a woman, and all the while Jeff is reading this out loud. Needless to say my mom burst into this bright shade of red and threw away the book, instead of giving it to her co-worker. Good idea, mom.
So my previous experiences with Goddess's haven't been nearly as good as I hoped. Thank goodness I wasn't thinking about converting.
Actually my mom usually talks to a co-worker who always says "You're a goddess," or something to do with being a goddess. So as a joke, mom bought this book that was titled Finding the Goddess Within You. Without even reading it.
Jeff picks up the book and starts flipping through it, and its all about finding your zen and femininity, very femi-nazi good reading. (That was sarcastic by the way, it had the quality of a romance novel) He gets towards the back and they start really detailing how to "pleasure" a woman, and all the while Jeff is reading this out loud. Needless to say my mom burst into this bright shade of red and threw away the book, instead of giving it to her co-worker. Good idea, mom.
So my previous experiences with Goddess's haven't been nearly as good as I hoped. Thank goodness I wasn't thinking about converting.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Severe shyitis
I really worked hard today. Got a lot of painting out of the way, and I am so glad it is Wednesday! I officially started my week out today, since Josh had the weekend off until tuesday. And it was a really good weekend. I can't even begin to explain all that went on.
I've been really enjoying painting this week. It's very relaxing for me to go outside and see a work in progress and get little projects done. Today I did the shutters and I was so proud of myself when I got done.
Dar fell asleep on the couch this afternoon, which is amazing, since the girl seems to never sleep.
Somedays I say really ridiculous things. Not exactly that I don't think before I speak, but I don't think about how other people will take it. Like when I write, sometimes it seems like it has a negative conotation, and that's not what I mean at all. So I used to just not speak at all, so other people would think of me with no negative qualities. But then I noticed that other people when I would meet them again, wouldn't remember who I was. I didn't make an impact at all, I was basicly invisible.
Now, although I might have a negative impact sometimes, I am working on it. Got the guts, now I just have to work on my words. Just recovering from severe shyness. I didn't know it was such a disease.
I've been really enjoying painting this week. It's very relaxing for me to go outside and see a work in progress and get little projects done. Today I did the shutters and I was so proud of myself when I got done.
Dar fell asleep on the couch this afternoon, which is amazing, since the girl seems to never sleep.
Somedays I say really ridiculous things. Not exactly that I don't think before I speak, but I don't think about how other people will take it. Like when I write, sometimes it seems like it has a negative conotation, and that's not what I mean at all. So I used to just not speak at all, so other people would think of me with no negative qualities. But then I noticed that other people when I would meet them again, wouldn't remember who I was. I didn't make an impact at all, I was basicly invisible.
Now, although I might have a negative impact sometimes, I am working on it. Got the guts, now I just have to work on my words. Just recovering from severe shyness. I didn't know it was such a disease.
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