Learning.

I sit down to write these posts and actually find out what I'm really struggling with.

I have so much to learn.

I've never been a studious kind of person. While I don't mind reading, I can't seem to focus on something I know I need to learn, but am totally not interested in. I may want the end result but getting there is treacherous.

I can be diligent, and because I know that, it makes it ten times harder to be evenly balanced.

I've thought for a long time I was afraid of rejection. But I find that I am more afraid of being disappointed when I don't reach my high expectations. It has nothing to do with other people at all. I am afraid of the pitfalls that drag me down from the usual daily events. Because; I am so easily influenced by my environment.

I have to be esspecially careful when I'm with other people that I am thinking my own thoughts and not try to think along the same as theirs. I'm horribly empathetic. I am not persuasive, and have a lack of tact.

I never seem to see when I help people, because I am so extremely being myself that I'm not even watching. Like I stop looking at things when I open my mouth and start sharing ideas that I have thought about for a long time. Josh watches that way more than I do when he talks. I watch people when my mouth is off the clock. I know that's when I learn more as well.

Then Josh will say, you know when you were saying -insert Mel thought here-? They were drinking that all in, wanting to hear more of what you had to say. "What?" I'd say, "Listening...to me???" Since when am I wise?

What am I waiting for anyways? Wisdom? Expirence? Because I know I'm still learning I know I'm waiting for the perfect time; the time I stop learning and know everything. Yeah, insert laughter here.

Remember? I'm not that studious. I've lost millions of hours of learning to mindless things. Wise?! I'm a fool. I will always be a fool. But in my struggle with life, I will strive for wisdom.

That's all we can ask for.