Confidentiality

Somehow I never really thought about confidentiality until I had someone else talk about something I said to someone else that I considered 'not to leave the room.'

That's not to say I have never kept my mouth shut. I just assumed it was an unspoken rule, which of course I was assuming everyone else has the same standards as I have. And as the saying goes, to 'assume' is to make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'.

It began to really bother me. Like they spent too much time eavesdropping in my life, which isn't that lively or anything, and listening to outside sources to increase what they already know. Like I can never trust them with truths about myself, and in essence I just stop talking altogether because I know whatever I say will go even farther. I hate that place. I hate not having honesty and trust in a relationship, and I hate having conflict even more. Which the conflict probably will make things better, in the long run. Except by the time I choose conflict, it gets blown out of proportion, and suddenly everything is a big mess, that I naturally created. I'm one big disaster area when I have a problem with somebody. I don't say anything right, since I have no tact, so I'm totally misunderstood. Thus why I hate conflict.

Before I even choose conflict, I examine all relationships in my life in this area. Is someone else spreading around anything about me that I perceived was confidential??? And I start to doubt people who have never done a thing to me in my life, or if they have hurt me, then I add to the list I have tallied in my head of all the wrongs that I'm suppose to have forgiven but I'll keep it up on the board just in case I need to lash out when they have wronged me again. It's a defense mechanism. I know it's wrong, it's who I am, until God gives me grace to get past it. Once it gets past 77 x 7, my tally board doesn't look all too suspicious in my head.

LOL. Like I'm keeping count for God when they die or something. Yeah, I know it doesn't work that way.

Why can't we all be perfect and have perfect and satisfying relationships, that don't backstab, hurt other people or step on each other to make ourselves look that much better???

I wish perfect were possible.