Whoa, long post, I guess to make up for the lack of posts.

I'm about to do the unforgivable.

Happy birthday Glenn!

Alright I got that out of my system.

Okay, so it wasn't bad, but after having a birthday for such long time, it's time to turn the tables and commemorate how many years he's put into this life. Congratulations.

Today is such a gorgeous day. Perfect fall weather and all that jazz. The leaves (okay what's left) are in awesome shades of orange and red around our house, our neighbor always has gorgeous trees this time of year. Almost turns your mood upside down and around, just looking out the window.

Did I ever mention how much I hate money? It seems like it just rules my life, I wonder when and if it'll end. We're saving for a loan (from college, we have to pay early) and we'll make it but it's tight. Thank goodness we already have the girls Christmas presents, or that would have been the next thing to cut. It's just crazy, but it does prove one thing; we can save when it's important. And it hasn't been all us either. We got a good sum because our neighbor decided to log out his trees so the logging company went around to the neighbors here in the area, so they didn't have to move all their equipment everyday, and got quite a few people to make it worth it for the loggers to come out. Well, my mom decided to give us some of it, otherwise we would have been squeezing pennies out of our vehicles and under the dresser, although it's gotten pretty close to that. That is when I know it's the end of the line for our money usage. When I start raiding the penny jars. I've lived through enough times of tightness to know the signs.

God has been gracious. If it weren't for the extra money, we might not make it. We have been lucky. However it gets me thinking about how I only half depend on God to get me through. And I say half because I seem to always have a plan B if God doesn't come through for us. And I know He always has in the past. But out of instinct I still plan. I don't worry, unless I'm threatened. Okay let me give you an example.

I was running and one of the perks of running on the road is it doesn't cost a thing for me to run. I have shoes, I have clothes (thank goodness) but as it got darker in the morning, before the time change, I started getting beeped at and finally someone stopped and told me I need reflectors of some sort. I was so angry because I knew we had no money for that kind of purchase (yes, we are that tight.) And I fought with myself and God and cried, which by the way, crying and running doesn't mix. You wheeze, your throat gets really tight, and you start seeing what looks like newspapers swirling in front of your face because you aren't getting enough oxygen to your brain. Needless to say you need to stop until most of the sobbing is done, and go on.

After the crying spell was reduced to just tears, and I got my breathing back under control, I was so angry at God. And it wasn't God's fault. Not totally anyways. But I had everything in place to pay off that loan and I seriously needed to get some reflectors to ensure the fact that I will live to see the day I pay off that loan.

Now I have to say I was mad at God for quite some time, I found a credit card with some money left on it and bought the stupid reflectors. (I am going to be paying over and over again in interest on those reflectors) And I finally got over my anger at God and sincerely apologized, when one of our direct bills that gets pulled out of our account that I thought was already paid, got pulled out and overdrafted our bank account, several times over because checks came out that day.

So again, I was angry at God. I had specifically asked for help in the financial department after that reflector business. Well, Josh called the bank and got it down to one overdraft, we would have been paying close to a hundred, just to the bank alone, that we didn't have. So Josh and I sat down again, and figured out to the penny what we needed to reach our goal. And Josh didn't know we were so tight until then. He was wondering why I would be disturbed with him buying flowers for me. You got to understand, Josh only buys me flowers when we are really tight so I don't enjoy them. I look at them and start thinking of all the things we could have bought with that money.

So this time I was rather apprehensive to apologize to God because record shows I would be getting mad all over again. But I did it anyways, and looking back it's kinda funny, I want so badly to believe God will see us through and when something stupid that I know is my fault bubbles up to the surface, I get angry at God mostly for my own character. I am really mad at myself and I admit it. And it's not like God has to grant whatever I want either. I just expect him to. And however much wrong that is, I really want to have someone to depend on to get me through every mess I get into. So I chose God. Hopefully in the future I will keep choosing God no matter how much I think He is letting me down. I know He's looking out for the best for me, however hard that is for me to swallow.

Gulp.