Procrastinator.

It's funny how sometimes I'm in the middle of three totally different books and at other times I can't seem to find a book I can get into. Oh wait, I have four open right now. I forgot, I just picked one up today that I've been meaning to read for a week or so.

And the worst part is I need to finish up all my business stuff for Jeff. I got a lot done yesterday, but it seems like an endless job. I think I just need to force myself through it and get it done. Yuck.

It's not that it's exceptionally hard or beyond my capabilities, it takes creativity and endurance that I just don't have 24/7. If I would have not procrastinated it would be done weeks ago. That's really the whole point of the issue.

I'm a procrastinator. I'll say it. Not happily, but it's said. Procrastinator. Pro...cras...ti...na....tor.

There. Doesn't that make you feel better Mel?

No.

Rescheduled

One of my friends (yes I have a few solid friends that haven't abandoned me yet. Wow that sounded defeatist.) and I were planning on getting together tomorrow night. She had to reschedule. And I started to think on how I would beat myself up in the past over the fact she changed it. Those annoying thoughts would swirl around my head about Is she being honest? Is she rescheduling for something better than me? becoming a skeptic of our relationship. Never thinking that maybe she really did have to reschedule for the reason she said she did. I may laugh about it now. But it was no laughing matter then.

What really helped is the fact that she is accountable for what she says and does. I'm not the one who is going to punish her for it, if she was dishonest. It's all in God's department. And it was really freeing, that I could let it go. One more control issue tackled and conquered. (That will most definitely show up in some mutated form that I will have to tackle and conquer again)

Josh and I started going to a bible study together. Isn't that awesome? We've wanted to since before we got married. God is so amazing. And at an unexpected time as well. Anyways the point is that last night we were talking about judging others. Like I was judging my friend for rescheduling (When I had no reason to believe she was being dishonest or backstabbing me...or anything.) and this is no new subject, when you judge, you are under judgment as well:

I'm not saying this well.

Whenever you judge another person, it is very likely that you have the problem worse than they do. The interesting thing about the idea is that having gone through or currently tackling the subject, it could be helpful to both people, if it is approached right. And that was not what was said at our study, but I was thinking about it.

The first night we went to the study I noticed that I talked way too much. I don't think I was being overly rude or anything, but I know that other people have thoughts and things that they want to say, much more important than something I could say. Okay well not exactly that they were more important, but it felt like I was taking over the room. Being the first night, no one was talking, and it was suppose to be a group discussion, not a Mel-a-thon. I did better last night, however out of the two things I did say, I could have still left one in my head. Oh well. It always seems like I never talk enough and when I do talk, I talk too much.

Where's the balance?

Haunt of the orange pop.

It's been a while.

I'm in the middle of listing stuff for the business and I've gotten stuck on a problem, so while I work it out and try not to frustrate myself into oblivion, I decided to do some blogging.

And really, I just haven't blogged for the pure fact that I haven't blogged. Not that I haven't thought about it, or that I couldn't get online and blog because of faulty wrists or anything, (I've never had faulty wrists, but the point is...) I really don't feel guilty about not blogging, as horrible as that sounds. I guess I just moved onto something else, whatever that something is.

I've been on this honesty kick. I don't know how to explain it, but I've been trying to see where I have been decieving myself and others in my life. What I have been trying to hide and kicking it in the butt. A few nights ago, Josh had orange pop that hadn't been put in the fridge yet. So he poured it and put ice in a glass and neglected to put it away before he went to bed. It was flat. Flatter than flat. I saw it the next morning. He happened to be in the room as I exclaimed some stupid thing about what is this? Why didn't you put it away? You know how it goes. I dunno. I guess I forgot. So I put it on the counter. He goes to work. Later I started to clean up the kitchen and do dishes. I take one look at it and it's in a glass that doesn't fit in the fridge (he wanted to keep it so he could drink it later.) So I think, okay if I drink it then it's not wasted, and he won't be angry at me. One tiny sip revealed a ton of nasty tastes that stayed glued to the inside of my mouth. I dumped it in the sink. Now I could clean the glass and be done. But nooooo. Josh comes home and asks, what happened to that drink from this morning? I drank it, I told him. Okay, so it was a half truth, I did drink a little bit. I mean for marital bliss, he didn't have to know I didn't drink it all... then I got to thinking, that wasn't that honest. It took maybe a whole second to digest that thought, and I said, out of the blue, in a moment of silence; I dumped it. You what?! I dumped it down the sink, it was really flat and watery and so gross that I dumped it. Oh. He says. Okay. The ice really killed it anyways.

Okay? Just okay? Usually he freaks about something like that. No kidding that the ice killed it. I killed it! Dumped it down the sink and tried to cover it up like some big scam. And it's those little things that make the big things, so if I'm dishonest about something as ridiculous as that to Josh, who am I going to fake out next? What does that say about my integrity?

We'll think about this one. Just remember the daunting orange pop in a 12 inch glass.

So now I won't have orange pop chasing me in my dreams. I just might miss that.

I have been playing around with a little program called Google Earth. It has satilite pictures of everything in the US and UK mostly, especially the major cities. I've been around the world in one day (seventy-nine to go).

And no one else is really excited with me about this program. It just interests me. It amuses me. Fun stuff.

Other than that we are pretty much set for Christmas.

One last thing.

You know that whole reflector business? How we were severely saving? That bill had to be paid earlier this month. We didn't really have much time to save for it, and managed to get all of the money (barely). So Josh went to pay it, and they told him that if he paid it before the due date, we wouldn't have to pay the interest. Which we didn't know, the letter they had sent us was poorly worded. He had went in the day before it was due, so we didn't have to pay the interest. Isn't that too cool?

Tis the season

Last year on Christmas Eve, Josh and I were in the ER because I passed out and busted my lip. It wasn't the greatest feeling in the world, waking up and seeing blood on the floor. After I noticed the blood I started to panic because I didn't recognize where I was. That is really scary, let me tell you. Foreshadowing for my future? I hope not.

Well Cassie decided to continue the Christmas tradition. She was playing with her sisters and fell and busted her lip in our hall. However, we didn't have to make a trip to ER and it looks like she'll make it. Just in time for Christmas.

Happy Honda Days.

Have you seen that ad on tv singing happy Honda days? I don't know why but that really annoyed me this year. What a Christmas present. Your significant other buys you a brand new vehicle for Christmas. Doesn't that seem a little extravagant to anyone else? I just can't see surprising them with a vehicle you're not sure they even want, and have to pay for 5 years for a one time Christmas present.

I'd like to see one payments worth of money that went into that. If they didn't buy it outright.

Bah humbug.

I'd really like to do a no gift Christmas. It seems required now, and that's not what giving gifts is about. I told Josh that I would buy gifts for my family and he could buy gifts for his family. But he didn't go for it. So for everyone's information, I bought the gifts, you can blame me if you hate it, and Josh only signed his name and probably will make the girls sign it themselves. A nice touch, I suppose.

I'm quirky and rather droll today.

Do you ever wonder if all the things in your life are preparing you for the future? It's like everything I do is for survival, or planning on surviving. It's almost like finding a place to hide from the "bad guys" and realizing that the place wasn't such a good hiding place because you backed yourself into a corner with no way out if they find you. Or like with Cassie, I knew she was going to be okay, because I had busted my lip last year, and I knew how to help her so she didn't hurt so much. Isn't that weird? Coincidence? I'm not sure.

I learn by repetition, when it comes to life experiences. I'm not so great the first time around. But I get to the second or third time and I'm a pro. I learn quickly, by example, just not so perfect the first time around. I'm pretty sure it's pure luck if anyone is perfect the first time.

Or maybe they are just perfect, one day they will make a mistake and fall really hard. I think I like my way better, it's more accepting.

So foreshadowing for the future has great possibilities. How far in the future? We will never know. I've got a couple of theories though, but I've written enough for this post to be way too long already.

If I don't write again before Christmas, Merry Christmas everyone!

I'm pretty sure I don't live in the normal world that everyone else lives in. My world is at home and I hardly have intruders. It's a very safe environment because it is so controlled and cloistered, really. I know it isn't terribly practical, but it keeps me consistent and I know that in a few years when the girls are in school, I won't be confined just to the house. I'm not sure I'll know what to do with myself.

But I've noticed that the social aspect of me is going on a downhill trend. I don't even make eye contact anymore. And if I talk to anyone outside of my world, it's for very short periods of time. Seconds in fact. Not good.

I've never been the social butterfly, but I hate the fact that it's gotten worse. Like I have nothing to offer the world. And it's seriously how I feel. Because all I know is about my kids and housework, I have nothing to offer. Don't take me wrong because I'm not depressed, angry or lonely about it. And this is not a pity party for me either.

I'm just not sure what to talk about anymore that isn't just cracking jokes and small talk that I don't even participate in. I guess, really, first and foremost I am a mom. I take my job as a mom seriously. I want my kids to turn out exceptional, surprising and interesting. And I think dedicating my time to that is one of the most important things in my life.

So, yes, I am content with my life. I may have regrets, and things I would rather do. But I find contentment by enjoying whatever season you are in, in life. And though I doubt now will be my favorite season, it will definitely be the most interesting one.

So it continues...

White Christmas

We've been watching White Christmas today, Dar has been wanting to. It has a ton of dancing and songs, and it makes me wonder how they could put something like that together. Think how much went into it, not only did they have lines, but they choreographed it and sang as well, and it's not simple melody lines like we hear so much now, it has harmonies and complex themes in such a simple time period.

You'd really have to know what you were doing. Be the best of the best. It isn't like that anymore. Not really. But we don't have the fake happiness thing anymore, it's more closer to home, most times anyways.

And they use words like swell.

Who says swell?

Who wants to say swell?

Proves my point. No one wants to say swell anymore. Not even me, not that I would have in that time period. But it was much cooler back then.

One thing I have to say is that no matter how ridiculously dorky Danny Kaye is, he is still awesome beyond belief.

Cassie is a 2 year old

You know how sometimes one sentence or verse just sticks out there. And it keeps coming back to haunt you as if saying, "You aren't listening to me..."

Well this verse keeps popping up everywhere for the last year for me.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39

Is it just that I'm stupid enough not to comprehend the simplicity of God just loving us? You know maybe it's just beyond me. I'm just too stubborn to trust something so simple, and not even just trust it, but believe it, walk it.

Well, Cassie is definitely 2. In one day she managed to keep me so much on my toes that I couldn't let one second go by without her in my sight.

So I was cleaning crayon off with one of those Mr Clean Magic Eraser things, and ended up getting interpreted so I laid it on the counter. After I got everything settled back down, I started to do dishes and forgot totally about the Magic Eraser. I hadn't heard the girls for a while, so I checked up on them. Dar was playing quietly and Cassie was chewing on some blue foam. I just looked at her and thought it was one of their toys or something. Until it dawned on me several minutes later that the Eraser was no longer on my counter. I ran into the room and she had ripped it apart, shredded it, more like it, and eaten most of it. She wasn't in the room as I picked up the remaining pieces.

She was in the kitchen, unloading a full diaper, and writing with it.

So I changed her and got everything cleaned up when I walked out to her playing with my computer and munching on my mouse pad! (Yes, I have half a mouse pad as we speak) After I chased her out and picked up that, she had unloaded yet another diaper, and that was the last straw. I put her in a timeout chair. Cleaned everything up and carried her around with me everywhere I went. Seriously.

Even then she still got into things, and out of things, (like diapers) so I clothed her in clothes I knew she couldn't get off, and didn't take an eye off of her for the rest of the day.

When Josh got home I walked out and handed her over, and said, "Don't take your eyes off her, don't even think about setting her down and letting her roam the house." He was pretty shocked and maybe terrified as well... Then he said to Cassie, "You aren't suppose to be like Uncle Barney. Uncle Barney is suppose to get a kid like himself, not me." Needless to say, Cassie was very good when Josh was home.

Did I mention she also got crayons and ate them, and started stabbing Kix and Cherrios with the end of a toy, picking them up like those garbage pokers, or that she dumped chicken soup all over the floor and the girls thought it would be nice to help mom out by getting out the brooms and spreading it all across the kitchen floor? Yeah, I didn't think so.

I love 2 year olds.

Especially when you have a 2 year old, and an 18 month old acting like a 2 year old.

Makes it fun.

Okay it's not as bad as it sounds, but it does keep you busy. And she goes in streaks, several days of super goodness, and one day of the purest evil.

Nails

I've been busy, yet not, lately.

My mom and I are in a bible study together with 3 other women. It's fun to watch each person and their reactions to others in the group. Not even that it's fun but interesting, something I've always been interested in is human behavior, what makes people tick.

I told a story about a pastor I knew pretty well. He told me his relationship with God wasn't right, so he decided to grow a beard because it irritated him and he would only shave it off when he was right with God. I always thought what an awesome thing, because there are always times when I've been lazy with my relationship with God, as if it's not important to me. "God will be there tomorrow." So I think.

So I took a long time to think of the one thing that really irritates me. I finally decided it is long nails. I know, I know, sounds crazy that a woman wouldn't want long nails, and I don't care if anyone else does have them. In fact, I have really great nails for growing, they don't peel, crack or anything. I just like playing the piano more, and nails get in the way.

I don't feel my relationship is right with God, which is my point of this whole story, and for accountabilities sake, I'm going to let my nails grow. So when you see me next and I have cut my fingernails, be happy with me that God and I got it straight.

Or I'm going to have incredibly long nails that are gross and curl and...

No I promise. I'll have them cut by then...

I hope.