The wallflowers

I looked at my blog today and thought, what the heck am I going to write???

My husband is so nice to me. He's running to get milk before work, so I don't have to take all three kids out. Yesterday the girls were monsters. When one wasn't picking on the other, Cassie was just sobbing, she just got a tooth popping through, and a second one is coming. Ouch! With extra cuddle time for Cass, and forcibly separating the two older ones, I just might have an ear left to hear from.

It was one of those days you thought, why did I sign up for this again?

So far today, they are being great. I would have to say there are more good days than bad. My heart just leaps with joy whenever Cassie laughs, and Dar, what a charmer. Laurel is making up sentences, they are starting to get really clear. She loves to make jokes.

Wow. I've got a great family.

I have a confession to make. When I was in high school, Noel was the youth pastor at our church. Whenever he had the chance, he bugged me about going to a youth group event. Come on Wednesday, he'd say, I'd think you'd like it, he'd say in Noeleze. You know I think he does have his own language. Anyways, I went one time to a volleyball game, nothing special, and hung out with my brother and all his friends. I was sorely misplaced. I was apart of something and yet, all alone. So I never went to another youth group event again. I figured I could get that lonely feeling anywhere. My heart just cries out when I see someone who is off to the side and not apart of the "group." I once met a girl in high school, who was just standing all by herself outside. Being seniors, we were using sidewalk chalk on the front walk to count down the days until freedom. I walked over to her and asked her to join us. She had a blast. She was a freshman I think, and didn't know where to get involved. I'm not sure if she realized there were people like us in the school, and she kept coming until I saw her walking with her own group of friends one day. It was really cool.

So I'm a big sucker for castoffs. Wallflowers. Latebloomers. People who just haven't made it in this world, I'm not sure if I made it yet. I'm the silly one that talks to outcasts and my husband is a definite outcast. He usually knows the right thing to do. He talks your ear off, and always has something to say about nothing. He has great knowledge of nothing. I think he might have a masters degree in it. My poor kids are going to be so embarrassed by my husband when they get older. He has a lot of qualities that I'd like them to learn from him.

I really encourage any leaders to take notice of those who aren't quite part of the pack. Usually they are your people who are trying desperately to make it, and have a lot going in their lives. And they just don't know what to do. The best part is seeing them grow and live through their lives, they are the strong people, who can cope through anything once they get that boost. Now here is my confession. Although I didn't go to another youth group event, just knowing that Noel kept on my back about getting involved, I realized there is something missing in my life. Friends, and real relationships. They are much more important than diamonds, funny enough I think that the bible says that. Up until that point in my life, the isolation was taking a toll. I had few friends left, and I was backing out of anything to do with people. Such a small impact weighed more in my life, and hit home.

Thank you Noel.

Even Moth's approve this cereal.

Blockades

It takes me a little bit to get inspired to write music. Sometimes it's a song, or some sound I hear, they way I want to express how I feel... But when it comes to lyrics, you might as well toss it out the window. I may be Moses, but I am sure no David, or any psalmist for that matter. Putting my words into verse or some format that gives it meaning, yeah, I'm lost.

I've been starting to get the itch to go on a music making spree though, I've been getting ideas and its a matter of time and everything. It's not a writers block, it's a song block. I can harmonize til the cows come home, but harmonies don't get me a song. Or a cow.

And I'm not sure what you'd call my kind of music. I'm going to have to get off my butt and record it mp3 wise. I've got it on paper. To tell you the truth, I've been having a lot of luck on the piano, I updated one of my songs. It's funny how you get in a rut, and suddenly something happens in your life, and it's like that blockade is lifted. Isn't that the way it is with everything? Sometimes you just get stuck. My life is full of these stuck positions. I've noticed though, if you realize and move on with your life, around your blockades, it works out for the better. It does for me. No matter how I push and pull, it's like a closed door. Maybe I'm just stubborn, I try so hard to do my best, that the door gets slammed in my face. Not the way to go. There is a better way.

Usually when a door is stuck, I get so frustrated, because I want to make things happen. Like my music, I want to someday listen to some of it played by a real full orchestra (it's on my computer, not the same sound). I want to perform it in front of an audience, and have it affect people, like it does me. But it's just one of those close doors. I'm waiting for the day that the door opens up for me again. And who knows, maybe it won't. I've come to terms with believing in God to make dreams happen, and if that isn't in His will, that's okay too. I'm not living this life for me, I'm living it for Him. I'm going to be happy whether I achieve my earthly goals or not.

Sane visit

You'll never guess what. We actually had a sane visit to my inlaws yesterday! It was so insane that it was a, wanted to jump up and down, throw a couple of dance moves in there, kind of joy. None of us snapped at each other afterwards, we actually were happy and getting through the visit positive, that was beyond a blessing. How awesome.

Josh ended up talking to his brother yesterday, and they were really happy to go to church with us. His wife was completely at home with our church, and his brother, was uneasy because it's such a different atmosphere than a Catholic church. Laurel was dancing in the back with us, singing with us at the top of her little lungs, whether they were the words or not. It was great.

My husband is always amazed by what comes out here. I told him simply, I'm a Moses, I can't talk worth crap, but I can write like crazy. He laughed. I think God has a whole ton of Moses on this earth. Not nearly as close to God, or anything, but people who need an interpreter. I didn't realize I was so different until my brother pointed it out, when I came back from Marquette, one weekend. I said something that no one laughed at, except him, it's just the way our sense of humor is, I think. Quirky.

My husband usually gets my jokes too. Maybe that's why I married him. Why I don't even know the reason I married him, is completely off the wall to me. I had a lot of reasons. Although I don't remember a lot of them, spurious, whimsical reasons, the, oh I like that about him, reasons. Can't pin-point what's so great about him. I saw stability, (ha ha) potential, had a lot of the same views, yeah, the goodies when you really aren't relying on God to help you choose your mate. I could have ended up with a real winner, someone who could have treated me horribly. God was still watching over me, even after I had given up on him. How was I suppose to know we would turn out like this? Simply amazing, is all I have to say.

Hey, that's life.

Well, we managed to go to church last night with my brother in law and his wife. And amazingly enough, they didn't try to stuff their masters degrees in our faces or anything. I have a feeling real life may have hit them, and they are searching for the real answers now. We'll have to see.

My inlaws are coming over today, so pray for me. I want to have the right attitude.

Aren't we all searching for answers? I know my brother in law and his wife, when they were in college they were searching for the educated answers. What makes sense for their lives. What makes sense, you'd think that would be enough huh? I always relied on my common sense to get me through a situation. But when I am in an emergency, I go on instinct. The self-sufficiency mode that I'm infected with. It would never have crossed my mind until after the fact, to pray for a situation. It is never too late to pray, however, it would be much more efficient if we did it in the first place.

Doesn't that apply to everything? If you prayed first, maybe some of this crap in our lives wouldn't have happened. I know God likes preventive measures, and He certainly likes hearing from us often.

What would have happened if I would have known God when my dad was alive? I think our whole world would have changed. You know I never really thought about that. Because my dad had passed away, the pastor who did the funeral sent a woman from the church, (who happens to be Noel's mom, God's funny like that, huh?) to invite us to go to church. So my mom checked it out, and we ended up going. How weird it was as a kid to suddenly start going to a church, when I had never heard of God in my life. Yes, I knew that there was something special about a baby named Jesus at Christmas time, but I knew nothing. How amazing that there was something like this out there. I know that God had this in his plans for us. And now, he has several God believing people, faithful to him, telling others of our faith. One person, turned our world upside down.

It branched out from there. God took a hold of us and watched over us. He knew we were suffering, we had so much going against us. It's surprising we weren't a statistic, drugs, alcohol, the works. But God was looking out for us. I often wondered why I never got into any of that, now I know it was God. Kinda scary. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to have God's favor on my kids' lives as well.

This is how a family is suppose to be

You know how I said Josh wanted to ask his brother to come to our church. He called them up and they are coming! Isn’t that too cool?

Today started out much better. Of course I haven’t gone near one of our cars or anything. All four of our cars in our driveway have been in the shop this week. And no, thank goodness Josh and I don’t own all of them. We own 2, paid for 2, thank goodness only 2. My brothers car ended up getting ripped up underneath from those rocks, so he is getting a lot of work done on it. We’ve been working out our schedules so everyone can have a car, it’s actually been working out really well.

Two weeks before I got married, my Aunt Marion and my cousin, Sony, flew in from Georgia to help with the wedding. My sister came down from northern Michigan with her kids. Do you know how nice it is to have 5 women in the house before you get married? We made a deal to try to make things go smoothly, we prayed whenever there was a need. Such as my in-laws were making a big stink those weeks, and the one time I went over there, I came back such a nervous wreck, I ended up avoiding them for the rest of the week. My sister and cousin took me shopping for the wedding night necessities. And we got to the end of it all and my cousin remarked, “Now this is how a family is suppose to be!”

We all were different women, coming together for one purpose. Whenever I enter someone else’s home, I notice how they act as a family. And I feel lucky to have mine. For some strange reason, we really get along, and work out our differences. It’s not so strange; we communicate, and aren’t trying to get each other mad or push buttons. That’s not to say that my brother doesn’t do that on occasion. Hey, we aren’t perfect.

We moved into my mom’s house for 2 reasons, first Josh had a lousy job, commission only, and we weren’t making it. And second, we want to buy the house. So we’ve been living here for over a year with my mom and my brother, which has been working out for all 7 of us. Like now, we all have cars so that everyone can work and go when we need to, while Jeff’s car is in the shop. We split the bills, so we all see a little more money.

It’s interesting to talk to people these days, about living with more than our immediate family. Surprisingly enough, there are a ton of people who take in a parent, or have an older kid who lives with them. Shared housing certainly isn’t the norm in America. But if it can be worked out, it’s great. I always know I can fall back on my mom to watch the kids in emergencies. In fact, she watched Dar this morning. She got up way too early for her own good, and ended up passing out on my mom’s bed. If I just need someone to talk to who has a level head, my brother is here. If we have a heavy project that needs to be done on the house, we commission the guys to do it. It’s such a relief.

And that, is how a family is suppose to be.

Did I just learn something?

Today was one of those days that everything happened at once. Something on our car broke off, so we had to get it repaired today. So Josh borrowed his dad's truck. Then we didn't have internet access, so my usual morning routine was different. And it went on from there.

It seems like on these kind of days, I get all screwed up. Nothing goes as planned. And in the past I would have been all angry and irritated. But today flew by, with no problems, so it seemed. I didn't get angry once until Josh got home, and that never helps my mood. A lot of times, I need to take a few moments when Josh gets home, so I can have the right attitude, and get on with the rest of my day.

It is so odd for me to write at night, seems like I'm behind, hilarious since I have no schedule to write this. Maybe that's what this is all about, the schedule I put myself on, so I feel like I accomplished something throughout my day.

I am so hard on myself. I think that's why I have such diligence in everything I do. If I don't accomplish my highly set goal though, I'm so disappointed in myself. But it's also a standard I set for others, and one of the biggest struggles in my life. To not set goals on people lives, when they can't possibly fulfill them. Nor are they required to. I know how it feels over and over again, to not reach someone else's expectation on your life. I don't want to do that to other people.

If I keep this under control I can be a great motivational factor.

I was asked to pray for someone today, again, that I really don't want to pray for. Lucky for me, I think I started it right this time. I might have learned from my last mishap. I first prayed for a right attitude, then prayed for the prayer request. And I did it right away, so I didn't procrastinate and never pray for them at all. I have a horrible habit of doing that, putting off something that I hate, and end up never doing it. Remember? Not telling my family right off, that I wanted a quiet birthday for Dar? Yeah. I'm not doing that again. I want it to be right the first time.

Hey, I think I learned something after all, huh, God?

I love Catholics.

I am in great remorse today. Please pray for our music director Dan Price, and his family. His father has cancer and isn't doing well. I don't have details and I don't know the family well, but God has laid it on my heart to pray. God is funny like that sometimes.

As my husband walked out the door today, he called out, "Maybe we should call my brother and his wife up to go to church with us. You are great at converting people." I looked at him and teased, "You wait, I'll get you baptized yet." "I've been baptized twice!""You need a third."

Catholism teaches that you are reaffirming your baptism, when you go through confirmation. Thus called confirmation. This is Josh's second baptism. My third is to get him saved. Although he understands the fundamentals, he can't seem to let go of the catholic way of being saved. If I had said, You wait, I'll get you saved yet, he'd been totally offended. Each day he is taking one step closer to rocking his world, (ie Christ as his personal savior) and he understands better than I do about loving your neighbor and forgiveness.

However, I question him. Me? Converting people? Out of the "true faith?" I'll have to admit I know quite a bit about catholism, I made a study of it before I got married so I knew what I was getting into. But my niche is converting Catholics? Not all Catholics are bad. They are headed in the right direction. I think you have a higher turn over rate. People want a religion, but they don't want to live it in their daily lives. They'd rather atone for it on Sunday, and call themselves religious. Protestant churches have a way of living it out in your life, although I know there are plenty of neutral Christians here. I think most converts would agree that they "woke up" one day and realized their faith wasn't growing. I see it happening in most Catholic churches.

I love Catholics. There are a lot of things Catholics got going for them. They hear the word of God, they learn how to pray, they have a deep sense of need for going to church. These are great foundations. It was funny, we took my brother in law and his wife to church one week. Afterwards, my brother in law said, yeah sometimes we go protestant.... I had to laugh. In all of their lives, they had been taught to go to a Catholic church faithfully, it was considered a sin if they didn't attend mass. And here he admits to "going protestant." Like it's some dirty secret. And it is. To Catholics.

Here is a good example of people who attend church, (or claim to attend church) to warm the pew, say a couple of prayers and be atoned until next week. And today, Josh says to call them up to ask them to attend church with us again. To "go protestant." So I can convert them. Maybe this is yet another fight with God I will have and lose. God always wins, and like a little child I can't help but say....

It's not fair.

Snow day!

Oh wait.

Cassie woke up early this morning, so I was laying in bed, waking up. I find if I lay in bed for 5 minutes I am a lot happier than if I just got up instantly. Mom rushes into our room, and says Jeff is stuck in the ditch on the way to work. Okay, I say and drag myself out of bed, get a coat and everything on, and walk out the door. Mom is ready and pulled her car out. So I get in, she ends up sliding into the snow bank in our driveway so she's stuck now. Our driveway is awful, we don't get it plowed so it's a feat to get out each day. We spend maybe a minute trying to get her out and I say, "Why don't we just take my car." So we grab the shovels and hop into my car. We make it out of the driveway, somehow and get to where Jeff is stuck. So mom gets into his car, and we shovel around it, yada, yada, and we start pushing. After several attempts we find out that the guys driveway has huge rocks at the end of it and Jeff had managed to drive right on top of them. So the frame of his car is stuck on the rocks. So I decided, (they wanted to keep trying and so forth, but I saw it was a lost cause.) that we would call a tow truck. No problem. I drive home, take one look at our driveway and decide I don't want another car stuck in it, and park on the road. I got quite a bit of flack but we have this nice canal that is right next to our driveway, and I could see Josh trying to get the car out and driving right into it. It would top my day.

Jeff ends up calling work telling them he got stuck, and he had to wait for a tow truck. No biggie. His boss asks if he needs help. Nope. We got it. The tow truck comes and pulls Jeffs car out, but manages to bust the tire on the way out. So he ends up towing his car to the garage. So Jeff has no car to get to work. He comes home, and calls his boss, who in the meantime had called again to make sure he didn't need help. As Jeff walks in the door, he is busting a gut, because a guy stopped while they were pulling out the car and asked if they needed any help. My mom told him no, then noticed he had a plow on the front of his truck. She then says, Do you plow? He's like, yeah, I'll follow you home. So Jeff says to me, Mom managed to pick up a guy. What?! I said. He laughs, and tells me the story.

Mom comes in and has this goofy grin on her face. When I told her what Jeff said, she laughed and admitted that she told him she was single. I doubt that a date was made, though it would of been hilarious if there had been. Jeff calls up his boss again, and his boss decided to come and pick him up! Now his boss isn't one of those guys that would automatically does this for a employee, but Jeff and his boss have really been talking lately and gotten to know each other. So he manages to get to work.

Moral of the story: Don't skid out and get your car stuck on a bunch of big rocks. If you do, pick up a guy who will plow your driveway, and become good friends with your boss so he'll pick you up for work!

Flaws and Weaknesses

As soon as I posted yesterday, it was like a huge load lifted off my shoulders. I almost took the post off, just because I was almost afraid of showing my weakness. Then I thought, no, I am human, so I'm bound to have tons of weaknesses.

So why not have the blog today be on flaws and weaknesses.

Crazy enough, I'm terribly handy. I can usually look at something, and fix it within minutes. I've fixed vcrs, and put in kitchen faucets, figured out what was wrong with cars, and found workable ways to organize almost anything. I used to think my music teacher was one of the greatest people alive. As I got older I realized that he was holding me back. He didn't like that a "woman" was a composer, that I could fix any instrument put in front of me, and I loved to play and try new things. No, he refused to put me in quartets because of who I was. I wasn't the best, but I certainly wasn't the worst. I started my own cello quartet, who made it to states and won. Instead, he helped a boy that failed out of college, who thought he was such a musician, and didn't have the dedication to see it through. What a waste of time! How many people like me had he held back, that could have been someone big? And I know if I had any fame what-so-ever, he would have claimed it was all his teaching and was 100% behind me. In fact, when we won states, he walked up to the judge and said, I have 15 more cello players just as good or better than these in my school system. It's so funny how people puff themselves up, so that they will appear better than what they are.

So my weaknesses? I kept standing up to him, even though I didn't realize he was trying to belittle everything I did. And today, I am free. I know there is more than what others think of you. I can accomplish great things through my weaknesses, I see the results in my kids each day. So am I nothing? Not to my kids. Not to my husband. And definately not to God.