National Day

All in one day we had this extreme windstorm, and the leaves are gone. Even my neighbors beautiful reds and oranges. Yup, looks more like winter to me.

It's so hard to believe that thanksgiving is coming up. It just doesn't feel like the holiday season this year. Not that it matters to me, since I really don't care about the holidays to begin with. I mean it's great to celebrate a day for Christ's birthday, don't get me wrong. We celebrate his death as well. Get that. Or rather we celebrate that he rose from the dead. I think that made it a little weirder. But it's true.

It's interesting what holidays stuck that we celebrate. You can look at the paper and in the corner of either the living section, or on the front page it says, it's national blah blah day. There is a "special" day for every single day of our lives, I'm not even sure it's consistent from year to year. Anybody print in the paper it's national get a new nose ring day, and nose ring sales will increase at least 25%.

Ooh! What a marketing tool. Buy the papers national day, (I'm pretty sure it's different for each paper) and say it's National Ford Focus Day. Or National drinking from dixie cups day. Could you imagine how crazy that would be? It could be a cliffhanger for the paper. So what day is it today??? What do I get to buy today? Stores would wrap the papers up so you couldn't cheat and not buy the paper, or they'd put a strategically placed stickers on newspaper boxes. It could be quite the thing.

But the whole national day thing hasn't taken off yet anyways, so don't get your hopes up on buying more stuff you probably don't need. Like more dixie cups. If you use dixie cups, you just saved yourself a buck. But on the Mel website I don't expect you to buy anything. At all.

So it's National Coca-Cola Day on Mel's website.

I could get to like this. Especially if they reimburse me for advertising.

Whoa, long post, I guess to make up for the lack of posts.

I'm about to do the unforgivable.

Happy birthday Glenn!

Alright I got that out of my system.

Okay, so it wasn't bad, but after having a birthday for such long time, it's time to turn the tables and commemorate how many years he's put into this life. Congratulations.

Today is such a gorgeous day. Perfect fall weather and all that jazz. The leaves (okay what's left) are in awesome shades of orange and red around our house, our neighbor always has gorgeous trees this time of year. Almost turns your mood upside down and around, just looking out the window.

Did I ever mention how much I hate money? It seems like it just rules my life, I wonder when and if it'll end. We're saving for a loan (from college, we have to pay early) and we'll make it but it's tight. Thank goodness we already have the girls Christmas presents, or that would have been the next thing to cut. It's just crazy, but it does prove one thing; we can save when it's important. And it hasn't been all us either. We got a good sum because our neighbor decided to log out his trees so the logging company went around to the neighbors here in the area, so they didn't have to move all their equipment everyday, and got quite a few people to make it worth it for the loggers to come out. Well, my mom decided to give us some of it, otherwise we would have been squeezing pennies out of our vehicles and under the dresser, although it's gotten pretty close to that. That is when I know it's the end of the line for our money usage. When I start raiding the penny jars. I've lived through enough times of tightness to know the signs.

God has been gracious. If it weren't for the extra money, we might not make it. We have been lucky. However it gets me thinking about how I only half depend on God to get me through. And I say half because I seem to always have a plan B if God doesn't come through for us. And I know He always has in the past. But out of instinct I still plan. I don't worry, unless I'm threatened. Okay let me give you an example.

I was running and one of the perks of running on the road is it doesn't cost a thing for me to run. I have shoes, I have clothes (thank goodness) but as it got darker in the morning, before the time change, I started getting beeped at and finally someone stopped and told me I need reflectors of some sort. I was so angry because I knew we had no money for that kind of purchase (yes, we are that tight.) And I fought with myself and God and cried, which by the way, crying and running doesn't mix. You wheeze, your throat gets really tight, and you start seeing what looks like newspapers swirling in front of your face because you aren't getting enough oxygen to your brain. Needless to say you need to stop until most of the sobbing is done, and go on.

After the crying spell was reduced to just tears, and I got my breathing back under control, I was so angry at God. And it wasn't God's fault. Not totally anyways. But I had everything in place to pay off that loan and I seriously needed to get some reflectors to ensure the fact that I will live to see the day I pay off that loan.

Now I have to say I was mad at God for quite some time, I found a credit card with some money left on it and bought the stupid reflectors. (I am going to be paying over and over again in interest on those reflectors) And I finally got over my anger at God and sincerely apologized, when one of our direct bills that gets pulled out of our account that I thought was already paid, got pulled out and overdrafted our bank account, several times over because checks came out that day.

So again, I was angry at God. I had specifically asked for help in the financial department after that reflector business. Well, Josh called the bank and got it down to one overdraft, we would have been paying close to a hundred, just to the bank alone, that we didn't have. So Josh and I sat down again, and figured out to the penny what we needed to reach our goal. And Josh didn't know we were so tight until then. He was wondering why I would be disturbed with him buying flowers for me. You got to understand, Josh only buys me flowers when we are really tight so I don't enjoy them. I look at them and start thinking of all the things we could have bought with that money.

So this time I was rather apprehensive to apologize to God because record shows I would be getting mad all over again. But I did it anyways, and looking back it's kinda funny, I want so badly to believe God will see us through and when something stupid that I know is my fault bubbles up to the surface, I get angry at God mostly for my own character. I am really mad at myself and I admit it. And it's not like God has to grant whatever I want either. I just expect him to. And however much wrong that is, I really want to have someone to depend on to get me through every mess I get into. So I chose God. Hopefully in the future I will keep choosing God no matter how much I think He is letting me down. I know He's looking out for the best for me, however hard that is for me to swallow.

Gulp.

Falling leaves

I really never thought I would actually hear the leaves falling. I figured it was just a funny little metaphor thing, and today there was frost on everything, so you could hear the leaves break from the tree and they whistled through the air to make a "pad" noise as they softly landed on the ground. It sounded like footsteps, through the woods all around me, which freaked me out while I was running until I figured it out.

Laurel's big Halloween party is today at school. So we rather frantically scoured our garage for something for her to wear. We managed to find a Belle costume. And out of the blue comment came from Josh. It was so important to him that Laurel had a costume today, because he could remember going to school not having one. Even a homemade one would do, he said. Kinda makes you think of all you take for granted.

I happened to sit down at the piano for a few minutes the other day and had one of those "perfect no note could be wrong" kind of days. I must of played for hours, and was only planning on 5 minutes. Just playing every song I've written and finished, even some I had been working on. And I haven't touched the piano since.

Actually I've been writing again. I used to write just notebooks full of stories and horrible poems for that matter (which I really didn't do for long, since I knew they were horrible to begin with). I always have ideas and call me crazy that my mind is creative. But I always figured that no one would want to hear what ideas I came up with, since I have such a dull life to begin with.

But I think that since my life isn't all that intriguing, my mind just might be. You know a whole opposites attract kind of thing, well, you get the point. Does that mean that people who have a "life" are the dullest people in their mind? Yeah, I better not ask.

Dar is talking my ear off, so I better go.

Well I never thought for one second that I would be so excited about getting a bed, but I am. The mattress is either coming on Wednesday, or this weekend. We got the plumbing all fixed and for a really good price, (which is so awesome) and I hope I hope I hope, that the lumber guy comes this week so we have the extra money to tune my piano.

Plus this weekend I'm going shopping with my two sister-in-laws and my mother-in-law, and I'm really excited for my sister-in-law because we're shopping for new business clothes. Give me maybe a year ago and I would have been super jealous. That's just how much I have changed. And no that wasn't a pride thing, I am just so horrendously happy for her it is really a relief that I'm not jealous and bitter. I never said I was perfect.

Anyways, I've been looking for a good beginner guitar, and I have no idea what to look for. So I've been trying to do a little research and well, we will see. I don't want to sacrifice quality for price, but it's slow going towards understanding anything about guitars. I'm not overall concerned about name brand, but I want a good sound, good fit and all that. I don't want to hate it, and resent the fact that I didn't have a lot of money to buy it. So I think I have to break down and visit one of our local music stores and ask questions to whoever happens to be working, and try some out, the really really poor guy (or girl) because I probably won't buy it there, and I will waste a ton of their time. Although if I go to the one I usually go to, I've spent more than a ton of money there in my lifetime, without wasting any time, so I think they might be owing me something, huh? I still feel sorry for them.

I broke out my cello, and for the first time in forever I didn't feel really guilty about it. Don't ask me, I just really love the idea of more than just one melody line like on the piano, (which cello is one melody line) and the kids were really excited to dance while I played. It was fun. Something different to dance to than just music blaring out my computer. Usually I play some songs I've composed on the computer and the girls sit there like groupies and sing along with it. It's halirious to hear Laurel and Dar sing in the car, I have this car cd I made up of different songs I've picked up, and they love Barlowgirls, but it's really fun to sing. And the girls love it.

That's it for now.

Anger, jealousy and disappointment

Yesterday I suddenly got really angry, jealous and disappointed because of a person. Actually it was more the reality of where I want to be and can't quite reach my goals yet, because I am in this huge waiting phase in my life. I know I'm supposed to be waiting and learning, (I don't want to be) and I fight against it everyday of my life. As I welled up with those emotions, I felt pretty crappy about the whole ordeal, and did the totally unexpected.

I paid that person a complement.

I am not exactly sure how I knew I needed to do it, but I felt a hundred percent better. It was even something nice about what I was angry about. It was the truth as well (that helps). Which is totally off the wall for me, (not the truth, but the complement) because 1. I don't pay complements unless I really am really, really awed about something, and 2. I usually sit in my little world of hatred and mope about the pity of me.

The best part though is that I could see on their face that I made their day. Surprise, surprise, I was much happier that I impacted someone else's life in a positive way, and lifted them up, than any reason to make myself feel better. No pity party here.

And that is a change in pace.

Yeah, I highly recommend it.

Protecting yourself from disappointments

I tried explaining to my mom about setting yourself up so you aren't disappointed when you get to whatever you've prepared for. I do that. It's a defense mechanism, I am trying to protect myself from people. Even people who love me and wouldn't want to hurt me at all.

For example: When I used to play the piano for church, I would practice and practice, which is obviously the best thing to do, but in my mind I would have to vision that I did it perfectly. My defense mechanism is that I always mess up at least once when I perform, usually it's something small like style. But because I have the mind-set that I will mess up at least once, I always mess up. Once my mistake is past, I have a flawless performance. But it doesn't hurt so bad because I know I make mistakes, and I prepared to make a mistake instead of being perfect and disappointing myself when I fail.

The problem with this is that I am expecting less than I'm worth. I already know by how much I've practiced that I can have a flawless performance. I don't want to regret the fact that when it counts I am supposed to be perfect. I just end up beating myself over it.

It's much worse when I expect other people to perform to my standards (and I don't mean perform in the music sense). I tell myself that they have faults, and can let me down. So when they are less than perfect, I am not surprised or disappointed because I prepared for it.

I used to think that my boyfriends would always break up with me, way before any of them even thought of it. Looking back on it, I see that I probably led them to break up with me, because I didn't have the motivation to cultivate the relationship. I was too busy focusing on protecting my poor excuse of pride and self-worth, and breaking down relationships that had potential to be really great. And I don't mean in a love relationship either, because I am not even friends with these people, I didn't give them a chance to be my friend (because I was hurting myself,) after they figured out the relationship was less than desirable.

When I went to coffee the night before last, I realized that I have changed this perception. I know even if my sister-in-law gets angry with anything I say, she still loves me enough that she isn't going to knowingly try to hurt me. And vice-versa. But that's a trust that she has earned from me. I've known her for 3 years now, and to think that I've taken that long to come around, is amazing to me. And she hasn't just discarded me after lack of interest.

The same goes with Josh, he could have easily walked out on me, because I am a very hard person to live with. I expect too much out of him. And that motivates him in some ways to be a better person, but in other ways it's set him off because he can't reach my high standards.

But I guess I'm worth it. And any relationship my family and friends choose to stick out with me is greatly appreciated. I hope I can successfully live up to everyone else's character and stubbornness to see the relationship through.

Grisly Bear

Last night I went out for coffee, conversation, and de-stressing with my sister-in-law. And it just so amused me that they had a drink called the Grisly Bear, which was a vanilla caramel latte. So I order it, and my sister-in-law is like, what did you order??? A Grisly Bear, mostly because I wanted to say it out loud. So she let out this little laugh, and the guy probably heard me, so he yelled out, I need a Grisly Bear!

Well, it got to the point that a few orders were coming at a time, so the main guy asked if the other guy was making the Grisly Bear while he took the other orders, the guy's like I've got the Grisly Bear. So my sister-in-law said Oh, they said it two more times! And I couldn't help but laugh. Yeah, that started out our night. Silly and crazy, but fun.

And the Grisly Bear was really good, so I recommend it. But it will keep you awake, a good part of the night, be warned.

Church

Josh and I had a huge busy day on Sunday, we made it to church, I went with mom to work-out (which means: I work-out, and mom gets to sit in the whirlpool for a long time.) and went to Josh's company picnic.

Since our church is so far away, and we had a busy Sunday, the church we went to this week used be to my church as a kid. However it has changed hands, several times now, and there are still a lot of "cling-ons" if you will, staying at the particular building. I got to see a lot of old faces, get a few hugs and so on.

We chose a pew and started to watch the music team (didn't know any of the songs). I pick out the few who have talent, (ie way better than me) and watched them while they play. Then they started singing a version of a song we knew, so we tried singing it, except they kinda butchered it, but oh well, their hearts are in the right place.

I sat down and right away I knew something was wrong. Now don't get confused over this, because I was all pumped up for a new experience at my old church, that I heard had a good speaker and good music (which was proven...well....like I said, their hearts are in the right place). And I wanted to see what had changed in the place I had once lived at (my mom was involved in everything). I had seen all the changes they did to the building, the additions, the actual "sanctuary" was turned into the kids ministry, with rooms where the pews used to be. I could have cried, I can remember many times I would walk up that aisle and watch the cross at the other end of the room, above the baptismal and just knelt and wept, especially when I was going through rough times. And when we were there at night, it was a very creepy but isolated room, I could always feel God's presence there, although now I'm not so sure it was the room that was doing it.

The cross now hangs in the new auditorium, painted beige, almost melting into the wallpaper.

I was listening to the speaker and there were a few things I didn't agree with, but it was a matter of opinion. Then as a whopper of a slap across the face, he started to take what he liked out of the verse and use it, saying the rest of the verse was not applicable! I think if I wasn't so stunned I would have walked out. I was hoping he just made a mistake, but his whole next point wrapped around that section of verse he had slaughtered.

After the sermon was done, Josh and I walked out of that church, and got in the car. Josh was rather silent at first, then said, Well? as if to initiate dialog. Well, I said, there were a lot of fallacies in his sermon I don't agree with. So we talked about the whole sermon itself, and Josh brought up the same verse I had problems with! So we started to look back and find all the good things about the sermon itself, and got a really good conversation going about it. We figured the only reason we were meant to go to that church was for that conversation.

We came home to mom who was watching the younger 2 kids, and she was the one who recommended the church to us, asked how it was. When we told her what happened she didn't believe us. She stressed it was a biblically sound speaker and church.

I think that was that point that I chose to step out from under my mother's authority, and instill my Word as truth, and if she chose not to believe me, that was for her to decide, I don't need to live up to her standards. She claims that her so called standards are in my head. And who knows, maybe, but they wouldn't be there if she hadn't given me a reason to believe that she had standards in the first place. There are a lot of great qualities about my mom, but when you are struggling to be an adult and free yourself from the adult rules of your childhood, it gets kinda tough, from both sides. When you know a person pretty well, sometimes you give into things that if it were any other person you would have some hope to persuade to see your side.

Well if anything, it made Josh and I really appriciate our church, which was not a problem, but it's nice to be re-enforced sometimes.

Sorry I really didn't mean to be talking about church, my prayers are that everyone is in a church they love, and if you aren't in one you love or in one at all, that you will find one.

Ramble, ramble, ramble.

You know, I notice so many thing about other people, especially people I don't know that I want to just walk up to them and tell them what's wrong. I'll be like the All-Knowing Lady or something, but with a cooler name.

Except for the whole other people don't want to know that they have problems, so they ignore that they are selfish, lazy, the list could go on forever. And since I am not part of the "friend" category or whatever, I would be the worst one to tell them. So I stay silent.

I'm curious why God gave me this gift. To someone horribly blessed with natural popularity, it would be an awesome gift. You could shape millions of people lives and help them change for the greater good. And no one would hate you! What could be better?!

God knows I love to learn these things, about human character in general. And today I just was being outrageously outgoing, I said hi to people that I haven't talked to in years, (before, I would shy away and embarrassingly shuffle my cart around the store) I teased an older guy who was in line with me (when I usually just don't talk to, well, anyone) It reminded me of my dad and my mom and my brother for that matter... Yeah everybody talks and teases (with complete strangers!) in my family, except for me.

Well, today, black sheep no more.

We'll see.

Adios.

Character

Yesterday, Laurel started to tell me about her day at preschool. Before she would cry the whole way home (because she didn't want to leave preschool) and was angry at me for picking her up. So I couldn't get a word out of her.

And you know what she told me about preschool?

That Madelene got hurt and cried, which she did. And she got a bright green bandaid.

She learns a lot there, I can tell.

Actually I went into the classroom and the teacher dismissed them one by one, as the parent came in, so they were all listening to the teacher. Which is really great. So she's starting to listen to other adults and respect them. (Yes very good.)

We just got into this huge thing about discipline just a couple weeks ago, (not with Laurel, with another parent) and it had to do with respecting the adult in the classroom. She didn't believe in discipline at all, and we do. It was really crazy to believe, and we had to stand firm in our belief, that children need to have those rules and guidelines, and when they step over those rules, the guidelines need to be re-enforced. How is it that God expects any less of us? If we let our kids run around without having rules and such, how is that helping their character? I guess building character just isn't important anymore. Well guess what, it is to me, so I'm going to be the one parent that stands out and protests and the other parents are going to hate me and not let their kids come over to our house because they might actually learn some of that so called "character."

I love what I heard the other day about the best parental advice. It was actually Judge Judy who said it, (and I don't exactly believe most things she believes, but the quote is good) And it was (paraphrased, since I don't know the actual words she used): Until your kids are 18, you need to be a parent to them; you have all the time after they become an adult to be their "friend." Your kids will have plenty of friends up until that point.

I know a lot of parents who want to be friends to their kids, and really I wish they could see what it does to their character. I love my kids, but I love the fact that they respect me, and when they leave my house they respect whoever the adult is. I don't have to worry if my kids are being bad by disrespecting who is in charge or the other kids in the class.

And I'm going to be totally jealous of their friends until they turn 18.