Grainy and Coarse.

Today I seem to have tons of time. They moved church times back for the summer. And I only have 2 girls today, since Laurel is spending the night with Grandma.

I've come to the official conclusion that I am not always forthright when I speak. I've always known it, but I don't think I've just blantly said it. I think that is what my last post was all about. I don't regret writing it, but I regret the fact that I didn't say overall I do the same thing and I'm trying to correct it in my life.

Here's where the line is drawn. As much as I would like others to say exactly what they mean without sugar coating it, I really can't change the person they are. That concept has been almost beaten into me for years, but I still hold standards for other people that sometimes are very unrealistic for whatever reason. Josh likes to say that I motivate others to want to be better people. As much I want to help people to achieve their successes in life, sometimes people just don't care to be motivated, (the positive term) or manipulated (the negative term), whichever way they see it. I can get a bit grainy and coarse.

However I usually have good intentions. When I speak my mind it goes way out of whack, just because I can't seem to get how I feel out in words. Words that don't hurt or offend. That would be why I would rather not talk in the first place or skim the surface. I don't want others to get to know what I believe in could be wrong, that my view of things is skewed by my enviroment. That I would look foolish to them.

Actually we have this guy in our study that I really admire. He is so open and honest that even when he doesn't know what is going on, he admits to it and laughs at himself. I wish I could laugh when I'm being ridiculous. When I'm wrong and I've changed my mind. I'm so stubborn that I'd rather hold onto what's wrong than grasp what is right.

And I want to change that about me.