I've been fighting with being taken care of this week. (as if you couldn't tell. This is the point of the blog where I say, I wish I were perfect, or some other inane saying that isn't realistic, just unreachably extreme. Because the extremist in me has to say these things...) Most of the time I am fighting with everything alone, and I don't bother involving anyone else. It's just easier. I know I get over my head, and I still am stubborn in my efforts to keep my head above water. So to simply say I am letting someone take care of me all the time, would be lies.

I can remember finally giving in and letting Josh take the girls at night. I wasn't sleeping because I felt as though I was on watch, I felt guilty that because I was the woman, I should be taking care of them. My girls wake up constantly, so even if I could sleep, I didn't have the chance. Each encounter throughout the night just got worse, I kept get angrier and started to just not care at all. And I want more than that for my girls. So I let go. I let Josh take care of it. And in turn he is taking care of me as well. The girls still get up several times a night.

Josh so readily accepts situations like these. I could never be that good of a wife to him.

I would never be good in the military. If I am short on sleep, (unless I'm running on adrenaline) I just don't function. I am angry, bitter, everything that I worked so hard to get rid of about me. It's still me, it's just a lot less portion. I just turn totally ugly, when I am tired. Someone wasn't kidding when they named it beauty sleep. And no, I'm not fishing for a compliment. Thanks though.

My subconsciousness always knows when something like this is bugging me, it starts showing up in my dreams. I was taking care of a group of kids and everyone picked up their kid except for one dad, and for some obscure reason, when he came in to pick him up, he tucked his kid into my arms and picked both of us up. Literally. And if you know anything about picking up a grown adult, that is no easy feat, but he just, as if I was as small as the child I was holding, picked me up with ease. And the weirdest thing came over me, like I was totally taken care of, and nothing could or ever would hurt me. I wanted to be carried like that forever. I just let go of everything, and let him take care of it. It was a relief, like no one could ever experience. Complete peace.

Try waking up after that dream without groaning.