What next

Rough day today. The girls were super active. Cassie climbed all over everything, including Mt. Everest. Dar was picking on Laurel. And when Dar picked on Cassie, Cass hit her. It's been a fun day in the timeout chair.

I think I was mostly overwhelmed. I mainly wanted to avoid any responsibility that I cast upon myself today. Not that it's a bad thing to want, it just means I'm breaking a mold here. Giving myself a little more freedom. It's funny what can hold you back from doing things. Like I don't do anything I really enjoy until my dishes are done. Like play computer games.

Today I got really mad at just about everything. The kids were doing fine, so thankfully I didn't take it out on them. I almost broke a few dishes, which would mean less dishes for me to wash, (have to give that one some more thought next time) and screamed my head off after dumping water on the floor. That pretty much ended my dishwashing ideas for today.

I get to frustrated sometimes with who I am and where I am at that I can't help but scream. Thankfully I have changed the person into who I am today, because in the past, I would have broken many things and maimed a couple people with my anger alone. I was pretty close today to that. I seriously need help.

And maybe that's just it. I don't know where to turn. I really don't have that many close friends, family just doesn't understand my frustrations, and in most cases don't take me seriously. I hate my doctor. That really frustrates me because I know he wouldn't take me seriously either. I really don't have anybody who I can just drop off the kids to, especially when I get this way, just so I can cool off and get my head back. That steeps into my mind more than anything, that I am fighting with myself while trying to be a decent mother and keep things as normal as possible for my kids. So really that leaves everything to me, alone; just between me and God. I know I've come a long ways, and I hope in the future I will never have to worry about it.

Of course God, you could just save everybody the trouble and come back now...

Somehow I don't think He'll do it just for that reason.