I'm an official girl. I mean I always had all the parts, just never let myself be a girl. I want to be the strong guy. I push my feelings and emotions to the side, so I can realistically look at things. Which isn't a bad thing exactly. Except I don't allow myself to feel, anything.
I noticed this started to change when I had my first daughter, which it's her birthday today, how coincidental, I looked down at her little face and it was like I detached from her, (besides the real sense of detachment) I wasn't sure if I could love her more than myself. If I could provide a sane and balanced mother who understands and is always there to love her 24/7. Even when I am angry could I still love her. And I realized that this little baby deserved to be loved and that I was capable of that. More than capable and qualified. I could love someone more than myself that wasn't of my choosing, that literally was dropped in my lap, a person I could help shape, but couldn't change. I could give her my opinions, but she could decide whether to take my advise or try it on her own. This was my chance to be a fair parent and give my baby a chance to live a life that she deserved. One that glorifies God more than my life ever could.
Moral of the story: I turned into a girl the day my daughter was born. And quite frankly it wasn't such a bad change after all. I'm still learning how to be me and I'm fortunate that my girls and Josh are patient with me about it. If I were totally balanced then I would be no fun and dull, but for now I'm going to enjoy the quirks that makes me, me. Girly and all.
Even if that makes me need to feel again.
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