Mel the hermit

Quite honestly I haven't had much to write. I either feel like complaining or getting on a soapbox, and quite frankly, I refuse to let myself do it. For the simple reason that I don't want to complain, though I feel like it. I doesn't accomplish anything, and I could (and am) be doing a lot more constructive things with my time.

So there I stand.

Hey wait, didn't I just step up on a soapbox about not complaining and being on a soapbox??? It's one of those Mel-isms of my life I guess.

I made it around the 2 1/2 mile "block" today. I thought I would start jumping and shouting when I got to my road, but I figured the neighbors wouldn't want someone whoopin' and waking them up now that they are retired and allowed to sleep in later. It just wouldn't be right.

I've been questioning God. Mostly His existence. I never seem to know when I'm doing the right thing, or God's will or anything. I spend more time wondering if I am doing the right thing, and quite honestly I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I usually just hash these things out on my own. I'd rather hide that I just don't know, than admit my stupidity in questioning the existence of God and His will. It's a pride issue. I know it. And I'm just too afraid to seek counsel. I'll be honest here.

It seems like I am suppose to be waiting, learning and developing my character right now, I just don't know where to turn besides reading myself to death, I think it's deeper than that. Anyone I would want to go to, has died or moved on, and I'm sure there is a reason for it. Maybe to make me have to work to find someone else to help me out. To break out of my shell and ask someone I don't trust for help.

It all comes down to people. My total weakness. I'd rather just write everyone off and become a hermit. It's easier to deal with me, and just me, than anyone else. And yet I know it's better for me to struggle with people than to be without them. That whole fellowship thing God talks about in the bible. We were meant to interact. No matter how much I hate it.

It's a wonder that I got married at all.

I went to a baby shower last week and my family went with me. My family was invited, that wasn't the deal; we were just planning on that I would go by myself, and Josh would stay home and watch the kids. Well it ended up being a really great thing for Josh and the girls, but every time I sat down, I would have to get back up again, mostly for Cassie. I got to talk a whole 2 minutes I think, and after several tries of getting involved I gave up. I'm not ready to have my girls running free especially Cassie who would go into the kitchen and have it destroyed in minutes. I'm not willing to deal with that. It doesn't matter to me if other parents let them run free, and give it a few years and the girls will be just fine running around. Which turned out to be a good thing that I gave up and left early, because I walked in the front door to Jeff on the phone and walked back out to go to the emergency room with him.

Which by the way, big thanks to Walters. You guys are great.

And Jen, wow, what a trooper. I figured she could handle it, but she really surprised me when she called to let Josh know what was going on. It shouldn't have surprised me but it did.

So God has a funny way of doing things. If I would have gotten involved, I wouldn't have been home for my brother. And really what is more important?

And then again, maybe He just caused it to happen to Jeff so I wouldn't get involved and lose track of the important stuff.

Either way, it doesn't even matter.

I'm just disappointed with myself, that's all. I keep asking for more chances and keep screwing up those chances. I'm just not ready to give in to this yet. Call me stubborn. So what have I learned???

God exists.

Be patient.

Keep the massive problems coming. I can take it.

Oh and I'm stubborn. Did I mention that?