13

I am so fitful today. Frustrated. I've been like this for a few days now, and it's starting to eat away at me.

It's not like I have that much to be unhappy about. I think right now is the smoothest that my life has run. Ever. And I'm not a drama queen. So all this stuff that's usually happening to me really etches into me, because I bottle it all up inside until one day I burst. Well this is me almost ready to burst, for hardly any apparent reason.

I've been in the nursery with my two kids at church now, for what seems like an eternity (reality: 3 days). And I think it is much harder that my kids are in the class with me, because they want special attention. They don't know any better. It seems like I'm in the clown car and I'm the one that keeps falling out. So I try to jump back in with all the "normal" clowns and it's just not working.

Once again, I have no idea what I want with my life.

One of the teenagers in my class told me she thought I was 13. Nice. Yeah I wish. That was a long 10 years ago. Maybe my life just stopped at 13, and that's why I am so fitful. I can't wait to just do something. I've been waiting for 10 years. It seems like I am always waiting. So when I feel like I can't wait anymore, God I think pulls me back even farther so I'm headed backwards. You'd think I'd learn. Something.

I was always a latebloomer, so being 13, doesn't really surprise me.