No, not physically.

I think I like getting hit once in a while. Not physically. It knocks me back into being a real person. Usually it's words or attitudes that the other person doesn't even know it effects you. Sometimes they know. It keeps me healthy, and hey, I get to cry once in a while, and humbly realize I'm still human too.

Most things don't bother me, so when I actually get hit with something, usually I am wrong. That's really hard to admit most days, okay, every stinking day of my life. And don't get me wrong, sometimes the other person is wrong too, and while I want to be angry and tell them off, I know there has got to be a better way. Usually there is, whether I take it or not is the killer.

Last night, Josh told me some personal things in his life, that he never told anyone. And I cried. He wasn't proud or happy, he wished that it could be easier and that he could have told me earlier. And yesterday, boy was I getting hit. A friend of mine, said something offhand, that I doubt he realized the implications. God is really trying to teach me something. A little humility, I think.

Until recently I was never very compassionate towards other people. I figured that my problems were much more real than what they thought were such a big deal. I was one big robot, no feelings, no emotions, rather tool around in my little world and not give a crap of what the other robots were doing.

And then I realized something. In fact, I just realized it last night. When I really like certain people, I pull away, like I don't want to get hurt before they really get to know me. What if they realize they really don't like me? So I steer my focus to people I don't like, if they say something, it's not like it offends me because I really don't care about their opinion. I don't even give the other person a chance before I meet them. Makes a lot of sense huh? Yeah, insert laughter here. Seriously, I almost refuse to meet people I like, just the fear of rejecting me, I just don't speak, because if I say something they don't like....... I don't make eye contact, I don't want them to think I'm hitting on them or anything..... (girl or guy) I am so stupidly afraid that someone will actually like me for who I am, that I go the wrong way around it and never end up meeting people. I get these half relationships that have no meaning, because I can't give myself up. I just don't know what to say. Wham! Another hit on my soul. One more thing to chalk up on my prayer list. Lucky me.