One of those musings.

I offend people. I remember when we were in Marquette and at a Christmas party for Josh's job, and I don't even remember what I said, I didn't mean anything by it, and the guy next to me said, "It wasn't meant to have a negative impact, as you so implied." I then looked at the guy and began to wonder how many people actually took me wrong.

So I watched what I was saying, and tested the waters to see how people reacted when I said one thing against another. Was it the tone in my voice? Did I just appear to hate my life? Which I did at the time and I wondered if I came across as bitter and worthless.

I think that's when I took my first real step and started wondering how I appeared to other people. I wasn't too concerned with what they thought, but I wasn't really reacting in a loving manner. I was cynical and critical, and it was all reflected in my voice and actions.

I think that is when my voice started to matter. I pulled back, and didn't say much. When I said something, it was awe inspiring, as Josh would have put it. Whether I was smart or not, others perceived me as brilliant, because of my lack of language.

I can understand where wisdom comes from by keeping your mouth shut. But I think it is a false wisdom. One day you crap it up and say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Or by saying nothing, the situation gets worse until it is out of control. Wisdom sometimes is saying something that needs to be said.

90% of arguments are because of miscommunication. Isn't that interesting? I am nowhere near perfect. I still offend people, daily. But it's not because of my bitter actions, or my dry sarcasm anymore. I try to say the right thing. The truth. And a lot of people don't like that. They don't like looking in the mirror and seeing the flaws on their skin. They don't like seeing what they've done in their lives reflected on their face, and by the way they move. Most people avoid the mirror because it is a real representation of who they are. I find that looking in the mirror helps me figure out why I am the way I am, and though it's painful, I can resolve it. I can be a better person. I can be passionate in everything I do, and not ever feel superficial. Maybe I'm too open, maybe I'm too scary, but you know, God keeps changing me, and I like that. Even if no one else does. Even if it's not popular, or conforms to our society, Jesus never became someone else because society said so. Why should I?

My mom caught me on something, that I knew deep down in my heart. I should approach my in-laws, but I know what I say will be wrong, and it would make the situation worse. I know what to do, but I don't know how to approach it and make it right again. I also know that if it is the right time, then it will make us all stronger. I'm am so horrible at being tactful.

Am I the only one so horribly unbalanced?