I can't sleep again, it might be the coffee I had tonight.

I started reading Understanding God's Will, by Kyle Lake, funny enough when this was put on joel's site. If you don't read it, or even you do, it has a lot to do with paradoxes, predestination and God's will, which I'm sure thelogians have fought over before. So I started the book a couple of days ago, haven't had a lot of time to really get into it, but now am really curious on what the author has to say about it. One of the first few chapters is on 100 percent. I'll explain, a lot of people feel if they don't give their all to God, accidentally leave Him out of some part of their life, they've failed God. I don't think this to be true. Not the statement, but the failing God part. We are human. We've been forgiven, for past and future sins. I think it really stems from people not forgiving themselves after God already has. So trying to give your all to God is great, just don't get hung up on it, God already knows you aren't perfect. I think I like that I'm not perfect and am constantly changing. It helps me grow closer to God, by working through my flaws and realizing my faults. I have to lean on Him. Otherwise, I'm a lost cause already. I guess really deciding to give yourself to God, is one of the hardest things to do. It is for me. Selfishly, I want to have some control over my life. And I can't have control and give my life to God too. Can't happen.

I always feel funny in church when I want to lift my hands to God. I wonder who is looking at me, and if it's distracting them from praising God. If that is what they are doing. And it's none of my business. I'm very self-conscience about it, and I find it's more distracting thinking about the action, and don't end up doing it. My mom is very free with lifting her hand to praise God, I just can't. Maybe I'm overly sensitive.

I guess what I am getting at is I feel like I'm a ticking bomb. One day, I'm just going to explode and what everyone else thinks of me isn't going to matter, what I do with my life, isn't going to be about me. What's keeping me back? What is it going to take to make me explode?