Small group

That wasn't the real reason we went to the small group meeting. I think yesterday I made it sound like this social event, but it was really to find a couple with similar interests, that we could meet every once in a while. Also, it was to clarify what we wanted out of a small group. Which the other couple there was very open about, we weren't so much, but I'm not sure what to expect out of a group. I like a more relaxed atmosphere, which you feel more comfortable in sharing about more personal things. Am I really ready to give myself up? Not sure, but I'm willing to break this horrible shy cycle and leave the fear of rejection to the dogs.

The conversation came around to the serious question of what you wanted out of a small group, and both Josh and I said I don't know. Then they explained what they meant, and the other couple opened up to look smart and with it, but we looked like fools for being honest of not knowing what they meant by this. I hate when the spotlight hits me and I don't know all the facts. So no one took us too seriously I think. Like we were there for a lunch and social event. I want to get involved.

So I'm not sure that God really wants us to be a part of a group right now. Maybe I was meant to be alone for the rest of my life, and stay out of human contact. Maybe I am suppose to die crazy, constantly wondering if I am the only one who feels like this. Alone. The only one there for my kids. The only one there for my husband. For my family.

The funny thing about Noels sermon this weekend, was the minor point of a someone who wasn't doing their own will, wasn't living life for themselves, but was living it for God's will. How many points in my life have I felt thrown into "doing my duty" and miserable because I want to have the freedom to do other things I enjoy. Selfishly. Am I the only person thriving on the hope that things will get better?

I guess this is all about doing my own will, rather than God's. I want to be happy in doing God's will, I struggle each day trying to be happy in God's will. I keep getting thrown backwards (only in the flesh I think) back to the spot I started, and placed where I was before, told that my place is there. Not in left field, not the catcher. But way back in the corner of right field, on the off chance that someone will hit the ball over there and here I am! The ball just hasn't come my way yet. No matter how many times I try to be short-stop, I'm replaced and put back in right field.

If only I could stop trying to do my own will. And give myself, not some part of me, but all of me up. I want to. I need to. But I guess I'm just not ready yet.