Long post, but has been bothering me subconsciously

I was writing and thought of something pretty major.

Tonight I picked up an audition tape for Riverview. I'm not even sure if I'm going to do it, but I'm one step closer. And quite frankly it makes me nervous, just thinking about it. But I want so badly to give it a shot, just to say I did it. I want to see what it's like, just once.

So I ended up reading the information, well...novel; full of facts about the worship team and what was expected and all. What's silly is then I realized that my confidence level in me is probably coming across as low. As I signed up, I was very hesitant, and later I must of replayed that scene in my mind, a half a dozen times. Not that I could change it, but maybe the way I come across to others is something I should work on.

What is sillier is that I've very confident in my abilities. But I am also well aware of my limitations.

I remember the moment I first felt alive. Just a spark, that living was worthwhile. It was the first day I went to Riv and saw one of the awesome worship teams. Then I thought, why am I sitting here? This is not where I am suppose to be. But I was bitter and jealous, and thought as well, why am I here? Because I put myself here? Because no one reached out and "helped" me to accomplish my goals in life (so I foolishly thought everyone else had this). I wanted a helping hand that I could....and would! reject so I could keep complaining about my bitterness and lot in life!!!!

I think that is the most real thing I've ever said about myself. I wanted something that I was so sure that EVERYONE had, I was blind to see no one or a small percentage, had it and everyone choose to work just as hard as me. Only I choose to give up.

I don't give up. Not intentionally. But somewhere in my subconscious, I gave up. I wasn't good enough.

And the first night I noticed that I had given up, was that night.

So I knew a change was about to happen in my life. I was living with my inlaws at the time, and going crazy. Nothing I did was right with them. We ended up moving out and I didn't know where to start. I had just started taking piano lessons again, just to further my studies since I was in a rut. We sang in the choir. My music started to take me over again. Then suddenly, we just didn't have any money. None. We couldn't make our rent, so we moved out. We were planning on buying my mom's house anyways, and since Josh really didn't have a job, moving in was the best idea we had, not that my mom would let us live on the streets with 2 kids and me pregnant. Very dark times. The whole dark ages, which summed up a good year of our lives, I didn't write any music, it was like I couldn't breathe. Josh would be home and so irritated and depressed, I would be so frustrated, and it was like I couldn't go on. But I did. It was a long haul. You talk about giving in, and I was at the end of my rope, in fact I think I was the one cutting my rope so short, just to end it. Then somehow things started to turn around. Finally Josh became employed even if it was briefly, to get us somewhat on our feet again. I decided one day that I was sick of people trampling over me. Then I took the next step and started to attend church regularly, and really devoting my time to reading the bible. Remembering what I was like as a Christian for the first time, with renewed strength to see me through each day. But I remembered that I didn't want to walk that fake path I had taken before. This time I wanted to be a real Christian. And it showed. One morning my mom asked me if I was alright. I wasn't being my usual self I guess. I woke up one morning with a vision so real, I wished I could say I dropped to my knees, in that instant. But instead I went over to the house I knew I should be praying for, and prayed over it. It still haunts me. The other night I had once again another dream, and I keep thinking of it and each time I do, I pray about it.

I don't think I've experienced my life being poured out like this and with relief. Well, this my life. And I intend to keep going on, just as determined, intently, never giving up spirit, that I have always had. I wish I could say that I knew my life was going to be perfect from here out, but I know that is not true. But I'm not going to complain that it is too hard either. God isn't going to grant me the easy life, and I'm going to take what I get and do the best I can.